Last night I had gone to bed without really dreaming. As soon as my head had hit the pillow, I fell into a lulling black hole of nothing that allowed me to escape from all the pressures and bullshit that the real world put on my shoulders. It felt like such a short trip to paradise and I almost hated how the sun broke into that silent abyss of darkness. To me, it was just a failed attempt at trying to recreate what was once real sunlight in my life; not even the sun itself was able to compete with the glory of my unbidden love. When he walked into a room, the sun didn't shine on him, he shined on the sun. When he touched you, he didn't just touch you-instead of going outside in, his touch penetrated you inside out, awakening your soul and igniting a wildfire so powerful and so hot that it would stop at nothing to consume anything and anyone in its path. The sun couldn't do that. The sun could never do that. No matter how hard it tried.
But this morning, the real source to daylight appeared before me in the form of a half-conscious dream. He came forth from the shadows of my room when dawn ascended above the horizon, exactly like the immortal god I always fantasized him as. He was dressed in a tight black tee, beat up jeans, and motorcycle boots. His hair was messy and wavy, and his side burns trimmed close to his face. There was grief visible in his aura; it made him look like a fallen hero, a martyr. My heart squeezed when I saw the sadness in his eyes, knowing how the pain must be eating him up inside, but when our eyes locked on one other's, the hurt I once saw faded away and was replaced with something else:
Longing. Need. Desire.
"Rogue," Logan whispered in a husky voice. He sauntered to the foot of my bed and knelt down with one knee, resting his palms on top of my mattress. The bed gave in under the new weight, and my eyes widened when I realized what an intimate setting this was: I was half asleep in bed, alone and I was no longer a student or a minor. There was nothing keeping us from feeding our carnal cravings.
Is this real? My mind asked, utterly confused as to how this moment could be possible. Part of me argued it was only a dream-just a fantasy I was living out while my mind still clung to the seductiveness of sleep-meanwhile the other part of me argued that this had to actually be happening. This had to be real. Dreams shouldn't feel this way. Shouldn't feel so good.
"Rogue,"
My gaze locked on his, a little watery and unfocused, but nonetheless I could make out his bright silhouette among the shifting darkness. He crawled closer to me, close enough so I could reach up and kiss him if I wanted to, but he stopped about a foot from my face. I looked up expectantly. "Logan?"
He brought his fingers up to my lips-not touching-but still making them part and shiver slightly as if he were. "Shh," he whispered, "I don't have much time- you'll be awake soon and I can't risk screwing this up."
"Screw what up?" I replied in a sleepy voice. I could feel myself try to sit up, but my muscles proved too heavy to support. Logan pushed me back against the comfort of my pillows anyway, making sure to keep his flesh from my touch; once I was trapped within the security of his arms and the softness of my sheets and blanket, my body responded to how close we were to one another. I had always yearned for this, for him, to be so near it hurt when I wasn't touching him. Being this close required physical contact- needed that contact in order to sate the intense hunger I had burning the pit of my stomach.
Just as any good dream, Logan picked up on my inner thoughts and began soft, torturous ministrations on my vulnerable body. His fingertips caressed the thin fabric that hugged the plane of my stomach in a loving way, hips pressed against mine intimately, leaving my mind to register these things with little to no control.
"I've missed you,"
I arched my neck, allowing his warm breath to tickle the sensitive skin behind my ear. His lips came closer to mine, but I couldn't tear myself away from his eyes to really get a good look as to how far I had to go to get our lips to touch. But I sensed his restraint, the hesitation, and I gave him a questioning look.
"Your skin..." he murmured. "Is it going to hurt me?"
I shook my head. "No."
His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "So... you got the cure, then?"
As much as I wanted to tell him the truth, I knew it would only cause pain for the both of us. Besides, this was a fantasy about the unrelinquished keeper of my heart, and sadly, fantasies and dreams were the only things I had to connect myself with him. He wasn't coming back. Maybe he was, but I wasn't naive enough to think he'd be showing up any time soon. And if he were actually going to show up, he wouldn't come back for me. No. He'd come back as some kind of debt to Jean or the Professor. He'd say it was for their memory, or their cause, or some other kind of bullshit like that. I knew that was the truth, but that was reality. What I had right here was my reality. Logan was here in my world.
I just smiled at him and shrugged my shoulders. "What can I say? Being a normal girl can't be so bad, right? At least I'd be able wear lotion again. Gloves and hand cream don't exactly mix very well."
He chuckled. I felt the movement reverberate through his chest, humming against my toned abs, causing me to shake. His hands gripped me tighter, a knowing smile creeping on his lips, and I gasped when he thrust his hips deep between mine. "Rogue," he repeated my name again, as if he were giving worship to me, nuzzling his face in the crook of my neck. "You have no idea how long I've waited to touch you."
The way he spoke those words, in that husky undertone, it drove my mind wild. Was my mutation the barrier that kept Logan away from me? Did he simply use my age as a cover-up over the real issue? It doesn't matter, I thought stubbornly. It wasn't a problem-at least not anymore-so nothing should keep me from enjoying this moment. Nothing. Not a single thing.
I looked up at Logan again and saw his eyes were blazing with need. My hand reached up to caress the side of his face, finding his flesh soft and sensual. He hissed in pleasure and closed his eyes. My nails glided through his hair, tugging harder at the ends, and in response Logan gripped the back of my neck and let out a deep, primal groan.
What happened next came so fast-I almost couldn't believe I didn't see it coming. In a swift blur of motion that I was totally unprepared for, Logan leaned forward and brought his lips roughly to mine, capturing them in a kiss meant for a warrior to share with his wife after returning from a long and weary battle. His mouth devoured mine expertly, and I struggled to keep up with his movements in my foggy dream-like state. But shouldn't this be perfect? Shouldn't I be the expert kisser I've always wanted to be, but never had the chance of practicing for? Wasn't I a good kisser with Cody until I started sucking the life out of him, via mouth?
I was too busy reveling in the lush, perfect feeling of having Logan's lips pressed warmly to mine that I almost didn't hear the harsh knocking on my door; as soon as I was made aware of the pest on the other side, my dream of Logan instantly vanished, and I was left with a deep longing that I'd never felt before. There was an ache in my stomach I'd yet to experience up until this point, and when I fully opened my eyes and registered the fact that Logan truly wasn't there and was never there in the first place, the pain only intensified into a burning lust that would never be quelled.
I threw a long hoodie on over my tank top and bikini shorts before answering the door. At first I had every mind to shout obscenities to the asshole who decided they wanted to be the ungodly son of a bitch to wake me up at such an unforgivably early hour, but when I saw who it was my tongue stilled.
"Oh,"¯ he said lamely as color rose to his cheeks, making him appear every bit as embarrassed as I was. "Um, Rogue, I-I'm sorry. I had no idea you were still in bed at this hour.
Really jerkoff? 'Cause it is like, only six in the morning, and I haven't slept in days. No big deal or anything... "It's not a problem, Professor-I mean, Scott. I wasn't having a good dream anyway, so it's not like you were interrupting anything. Would you like to come in?"
Scott appeared even more uncomfortable by my offer, and looked as though he were fighting an incredible urge to fidget.
"Is something wrong, Scott?"¯ I implored, taking a step closer to him.
He stepped back automatically and replied, "Do you always sleep half-naked, and expect lonely men like myself not to stare at what you so openly offer to feast our eyes upon?"
His question came out in a tortured, pained voice, as if he missed intimacy and clearly hadn't had a satisfying love life with Jean during the last few months of her being alive. My heart wanted to go out to him as comfort, but I wasn't a stupid little girl anymore. Men didn't want innocent comfort, they wanted sex or a blowjob to alleviate their stress or else they'd find a building to blow up or a gang of drunken men to take on and fight single-handedly. I suddenly didn't feel so happy to be around him anymore and wanted him promptly out of my sight.
"Look Professor, I'll wear whatever I damn well want to wear to bed, so I don't need you coming in here criticizing my pajamas. And, I'm sorry to say this, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave. It's way too early for your shit and I'd like to get back to bed. I've had a long ass night." And before he could say anything else I shut the door in his face, fastened the lock in place, and dead-bolted it, too. He didn't knock again, or call out to me, and I was thankful. But it was a while before I heard him move away from the door, footsteps shuffling heavily on the carpet back to his room.
I could've sworn I heard him mutter something like he missed me, but I couldn't be sure and plus, he was drunk so his words were obviously slurred a bit. No doubt he'd been drinking since I left him only a few hours before. The poor man, I thought.
The second time I woke up I was alone in more ways than one.
It was a devil of a time getting back to bed, but I managed with the help of a full bottle of Nyquil and a few dimes I bought off a kid in the city where I then bought a piece to smoke my gracious herb with. I drank the Nyquil and rolled all the dubs into one dutch before finally feeling sleepy twenty minutes after being through with my makeshift sedatives, and then falling into a dreamless sleep. At first when I woke up I was happy about that; at least I wouldn't have dreamt of another precious moment I'd never have with Logan, so I thought I'd done myself a favor. But then, when I felt the hollow feeling of my heart that prevented it from beating, I instantly felt sick to my stomach with grief, and began to mourn the loss of Logan all over again.
Why couldn't he be here when we finally had the chance to touch, when he could actually hold me and comfort me and really make sure I was okay and that nothing would happen to me as long as he was beside me? Why couldn't life be fair to me in that aspect? Why suffer without him, when I suffered with him because of my terrible desire to touch without the kill.
But he wouldn't have died anyway, a voice in my head whispered suggestively. He's the Wolverine, remember? Nothing can kill him-not even a bullet to the head. What's a little novice like you going to do to a powerful mutant-specimen like him?
Maybe nothing, I thought bitterly. But then again, maybe everything.
I took another shower, dressed in jeans and a black tank top, and put minimum make up on before grabbing my combat shoes and heading for the woods outside. Fresh air was mandatory today; I needed to stay out of that stuffy mansion and keep away from Scott, Bobby, Kitty, and everyone else that was in there. I didn't belong here anymore-not as a student, anyway. Maybe an X-Man, maybe, but the chances of that are slim. I've been gone for far too long. They'd think my training would be inadequate, and therefore I wouldn't have a chance to show them otherwise. Not like that would do anything, though.
The sun was bright today, the sky a nice shade of blue, and the birds chirped merrily in the trees as if this were the most perfect day in the world. They acted as though life were normal, as though there was no such thing as grief. But I knew differently.
Out here when no one else was around, I knew it was the only way I could ever be myself. Isolation was the only way I could survive. The Phoenix was much too strong for me to keep behind the withering mental-barrier I put in place between us all day, and if I didn't allow myself the time to adjust between our personalities then something incredibly destructive could surely happen.
The internal fusion between us was solidified after Jean died; the Phoenix left Jean for me as the only human it'd ever known besides Professor Grey. It possessed me like a demonic entity, filling the holes in my subconscious like a missing link. At first I tried blocking it out because I figured I could make it go away by avoiding it, but the Phoenix isn't one to ignore. It found ways to come to me in my sleep, appearing before me in the form of Jean when it had possessed her, and it talks to me through her.
"Let me help with your mutation, Rogue,"¯ Jean said the first time I met her.
But I refused in the most respectful way possible. "Um, thanks but no thanks, Professor. I don't want your help. I appreciate the gesture, but I don't think I can accept it."
She merely quirked an eyebrow at me and drew her lips up in a sly smirk. "Oh? And why is that, Rogue? Is it because I'm not an X-Man anymore?"
"Pretty much,"¯ I replied matter-of-factly.
"Well, do I have to be the one to remind you that you're not much of an X-Man yourself? After all, you are tainted by Magneto's powers, and that made you more of a liability than an asset to our team.
The color drained from my face. My heart began to pound erratically in my chest. A liability? I thought to myself with disbelief. But why allow me to join the team? Why train me to fight? Why give me a fucking uniform to make it official if I was just a liability?
Jean's sardonic smile told me she knew what I was thinking. "You wanna know why?"¯ she whispered.
Despite knowing I shouldn't be talking to her-even though this was a dream and nothing more-I wanted her to tell me why. Why wasn't I part of their team? Why was I a liability? And... most of all I wanted to know about Logan. She'd know above anyone else how he really felt about me. "Tell me," I commanded in a low voice.
She nodded, and as she spoke she kept her tone soft and menacing:
"When you first came to us, the Professor took great pity on you because you were a girl trying so hard to be normal, despite the great handicap you possessed. He saw a lot of me in you at the time, and he wanted me to mentor you. Of course, that wouldn't have gone over well between us since you were in love the man who loved me, and we both know why he didn't love you, Rogue."
"Because I'm just a little girl..." I muttered sadly, betraying my real feelings as a tear slipped from the corner of my eye.
The Phoenix shook her head. "He wouldn't allow himself. He didn't want to risk tainting you. But Logan wanted to take you the first time he saw you. It was like a 'call of nature' for him. His beast was attracted to how helpless and pure you were."
Heat rose to my cheeks in response to her words, and I shuffled my feet nervously in spite of myself. I wanted to think she was lying, or just playing on my emotions to get what she wants in some way, but the sincerity of her voice made me believe otherwise. It makes sense, a voice in my head reasoned. He always talked about me being too innocent for him... Maybe he was only saying that to keep himself from ravaging me? Oh Logan, don't you have any idea how bad I wanted that?
"You want him back, don't you?" the Phoenix whispered, her dark eyes spearing holes through mine.
I nodded. "You know I'd give anything to have him. I... I've always wanted him."
"Then let me help you," she demanded. "Please Rogue, just let me help you, okay? We could be good for each other; I'll help you control your mutation, and we'll share our powers with each other. We can be unbeatable, you and I, and together we can make you the most powerful mutant in the entire world."
"Me-the most powerful mutant in the world?" My eyes widened in shock as my mind grasped the full magnitude of what she was saying. "You mean, if I learn to control my power then I can somehow find a way to not be a liability anymore... and by not killing people when I touch them I can... I can really be with Logan?"
"Exactly Rogue."¯
Id been a while since I left X-Mansion; not counting last night, I think it's been almost two months since I was here. Nothing really changed since I left, which was both a good and bad thing. Good because it was familiar and easy to fall back into a well-known routine, but bad because of all the same reasons.
Because I knew who I was missing.
And as selfish as it sounds, the person I was missing wasn't Jean or the Professor. Not like how I missed Logan, anyway. Aches too much, I mentally concluded.
I looked down at the lake, longing to swim in its refreshing waters, but knowing full well that I wasn't able to. The Phoenix kept me from swimming because it feared I'd drown like Jean. It's phobia soon turned into my phobia, and sometimes when the paranoia set in too intensely it won't let me even take a shower for too long. No wonder the Phoenix drove Jean bat-shit crazy.
But as I longed to swim in those waters, I felt something begin to stir within me. The desire I felt to be free clung like a child hanging to a life preserver to prevent them from drowning at sea; I felt the water's energy start to gravitate in my direction like it would do if I were the moon, and instantly I began to panic. Oh shit! I shouted in my head. The water's starting to rise toward me! I need to do something-quick!-before someone sees what's happening!
Control yourself Rogue, a familiar voice in my head whispered to me. You know what to do when you get out of hand. Just use your mutation to draw your new power back in.
Right, I answered, still not sure what to do but I figured what the hell, I'd have to figure it out for myself at some point anyway.
Remembering what the Phoenix would instruct me to do as though I were in a dream, I closed my eyes and lightly touched the sides of my head with my fingertips, making sure to keep the contact light so I don't cause harm to myself. I took a deep breath and turned my skin on, and allowed my mutation to slowly drain the wild rush of power I had coursing within me moments ago until I felt I could gain self-control and push the raw energy out of me. It shifted like an electrical wire, the force of the internal bond I had with my powers and those given by the Phoenix suddenly snapped, and I felt one final tug before I was free of the dark pull of the Phoenix's power. I opened my eyes to see the water back to normal, and I looked around me just to make sure no one saw what I'd done. I wasn't ready to tell anyone what had happened to me-actually who the fuck was I kidding? I wasn't going to tell anyone period.
Just then my ears picked up on the sounds of people laughing and talking, and they sounded like they were getting closer. I backed into the shade of a huge oak tree and crouched so I could remain hidden and see who was coming up the trail. To my relief no one important was among them-they were just a couple of students enjoying their weekend freedom.
Lucky bastards, I thought bitterly. What I'd give to trade places with them. To be back among the ignorant and the innocent... to just be a kid again... yeah, I'd definitely kill for that chance if I could find the right people to spoil for it.
Being around happy people caused a sickness to creep into my empty stomach; the need to get away from their cheeriness before I did something to infect it was potent and jolted me from my hiding spot. Without a preamble or preparatory speech, I called forth another handy trick the Phoenix taught me. I gathered the energy and used it to camouflage my own, creating an effective shield that made me invisible to the naked eye. I slipped past the teens without them noticing anything peculiar and decided to make my way to the Danger Room for an intense work-out.