You’ve been enjoying the quiet, something you’ve managed to never take for granted even when you spent years surrounded by it living out in the depths of no-where.
This place though is far, far away from the no-where you know and love, and comes with an almost constant stream of irritating noises that crash into and shatter anything resembling peace. Everything here seems inbuilt to hold the quiet at bay. It’s just the hustle and bustle of everyday life for everyday people but you’re about as far removed as they come from an everyday person and you struggle with their version of everyday life, so when you find small pockets of quiet you savour and cherish every moment of it.
Sometimes it becomes more than just wanting, much closer to needing; to escape, to rest. It’s who you are - what you are. Yet you stay. In these snippets of stillness your soul settles and you re-charge you sanity. It’s only ever the calm before the storm here, but you take it because you need to be able to ride the storms. You need to be here. It’s new and it’s hard but you’re strong and you’re getting there, *will* get there. Despite all the hardships, for reasons unknown and not understood by anyone but yourself, you have begun to call this mad house home.
Most of the female population of the mansion left hours ago on what appears to be a marathon shopping spree and the distinct lack of squealing high pitched voices filling every corridor is heaven to your eardrums. The male population has left you well alone, they’re busy preparing the ball room for tonight’s fundraiser and they know better than to try and encourage you to pull your weight in that department. You’ll turn up later, act as if it’s under protest, put in an appearance and keep your eye on things while everyone else relaxes and has a good time. You’re good at what you do, you do it better than any one else and tonight from the shadows you’ll make sure everyone’s safe, just as you always do. This is your contribution, it’s a silent one, just the way you like it.
You know the quiet won’t last long, it never does in this place, soon the walls will close back in with hoards of people everywhere you turn. There are upsides to being here though, evil is always looming in the background waiting for its ass to be kicked, and kicking ass fulfils a different kind of need for you, one that can be accompanied by as much chaotic loudness as it likes, it’s easier to drown it out when you’re concentrating on maintaining your dominance in the sport that is inflicting pain and destruction. Here in the mansion you like the quiet. You like to be alone.
~ ~ ~ ~
With a beaming smile she glides into your room like she owns the place holding up her newly bought outfit for the evenings benefit in front of her. She didn’t knock, she never does, she interrupts your quiet. She seems to believe she has a right to intrude in your life and your space, she always has, yet strangely you find you don’t mind. The reason for that may be that she has never or will ever be an intrusion. You gave up trying to understand it a long time ago but she somehow doesn’t bother you, you can enjoy the quiet even when she’s right beside you. You enjoy her company and you know for a fact that that’s a statement reserved just for her. Something happened from the moment you met, what - you haven’t got a clue.
“What do you think Logan, do you like it? Will I look ok?”
As she spins around and you watch endless amounts of silk twirling after her you can’t help but smile, it’s a rare occurrence but her happiness is infectious, “You’ll look great kid.” You’re not great with words, the right ones anyway and it’s the best you can do, it’s enough though, she’s practically beaming at you as she leaves.
When she’s gone you close your eyes. Her scent fills the room and you find yourself breathing it in over and over again. It settles you like nothing ever has, it’s why you stay or more to the point why you can’t leave. She is the reason you endure everything here, for the moments of the closest you’ve ever been to peace that she gives you. Truth be told home is not a building with 4 walls and roof, she’s here and it’s all wrapped up in everything she is and everything she does to you.
In the darkness behind your eyes you watch her twirling, watch her eyes as they sparkle and light up her whole face, watch as she smiles just for you. A smile you know is just for you because it’s different. It’s not an arrogant statement or a conceited one, you’ve watched, studied, familiarized yourself with everything and everyone that surrounds you in this place. It’s what you do, how you’ve survived. It’s instinctual and so ingrained within you that most of the time you don’t even know you’re doing it. Even with her newly found control you see the caution and fear she tries to cover and hide around everyone else as well as the vigilant look in her eyes. You feel her need to run sometimes, not as strong as yours but there none the less. For all this you blame yourself. It was there before, a watered down version, but by saving her you intensified, magnified and strengthened it all. You see how she tries to keep to the shadows just like you. The smiles she keeps only for you are full of nothing but honesty and truth, no lies hidden on or beneath the surface for you.
There is no background to your replay, no distractions just her. You watch her dance for you, it’s intimate, sexual, and you can’t stop yourself imagining that silk under your hands. You imagine *her* under your hands, with silk and without.
You move to dance with her, hold her tight, sway to music you can’t hear.
“I’m dying Logan, you’re killing me.”
The words are whispered but you hear them loud and clear even if you don’t understand. She’s still dancing but there’s a distance between you that wasn’t there before. You watch in horror as she clutches at her chest; the silk under her hands becoming drenched in blood. You hear the harrowing echo of your name as she begins to fall. You try as hard as you can to get to her, to break her fall but she stays just out of your reach and you’re forced to watch your failure in slow motion. “Why won’t you love me?” is the last thing you hear before you see her crumple and slump to the floor.
“I do” you whisper when you finally get to her, but its too late, you can’t save her.
She’s gone.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
2 bottles of whiskey in less than an hour and you still feel sober. There are 3 bottles left to go though. Fuck the ball – the x-men managed without you before, they can manage on their own again, after all it’s only for one night. If you can manage to get drunk enough maybe, just maybe you’ll pass out long enough to catch up on some much needed sleep.
It’s not that you can’t get to sleep, today’s proved that. In fact it’s the opposite; you have no problem at all. It’s the dreams you have once there that are making you more tired than you’ve ever been before.
Every night, every time your eyelids drop you into the world of darkness she appears. It’s always been this way right from the start. They’re only dreams but you’ve been through every emotion about them, guilt and shame didn’t stick around for very long though and were quickly overwritten and replaced by want and enjoyment. Lately though you’re not in control. These latest dreams have twisted and are written in a code you can’t crack.
Not so long ago dreams of her were a good thing, after all you’d always longed for, hoped for and prayed to a God you’ve never believed in for the nightmares to stop;
Now you’re pretty damn sure you should be wishing them back.
If ever asked for a description, the people around you would come up with a variety of very suitable and apt words but patient certainly wouldn’t be among them. It’s not even a word you’d use to describe yourself yet it’s there, you do have it.
For her.
You have your limits though, and these latest dreams are testing that to the max.
You know there’s something; you know it’s a damn sight more than something. You know it’s different, new. You also know you’re scared. It’s complicated and you don’t do complicated. There’s so many if, ands and buts.
You like the way things are.
You hate the way things are.
This is the battle that rages inside.
It never quits, is never quiet.
You slam the bottle against the wall.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It’s a dark red halter neck dress, the colour of blood your mind tells you as it replays the image from your dream. It’s showing off her cleavage with its deep v line front and you can’t tear your eyes away. The back drops dangerously low and you want nothing more than to cover that skin with your own. There’s a long slit in the side of the dress and you can’t help but make plans for the thighs you’re catching a glimpse of as she moves and sways her body on the dance floor.
For so long covered from head to toe, of all the skin on show your eyes are drawn back time and time again down the line of her neck to the soft curve of her shoulder. It’s taunting you, you want to run your hands over that curve, let her feel the heat in your touch, you want your mouth there too, want her to feel the intensity of your desire through every kiss.
You’re on the outside looking in, as always watching from the sidelines. It angers you that she feels the need to pretend. She is fake here. You want to pull her to safety, stop the pain she puts herself through but it’s her decision not yours. You watch her smile at those around her and you feel nothing but hurt. You want to see your smile, the real one.
Your mind is drifting dangerously towards complicated but then again not a great deal happening in your mind lately is making a lot of sense so you ignore it.
“I’m dying Logan, you’re killing me.”
Over and over you hear the same damn words.
You don’t want her to die.
“Why wont you love me? I’m dying Logan, you’re killing me. Why wont you love me?”
“You’re killing me.”
Lines were drawn but you’re done, erase them all - the battles over.
You won’t let her die.
As she catches your eye you silently plead with her to help; to end this. She smiles at you and you realise she understands everything with a clarity that scares you to death. It angers you too, you’re not understanding much of anything and she seems to know it all.
You storm off in front of her knowing now that she’ll follow. As you open your door and step inside you realize you’re having to wait, you must have been walking quicker than you thought through eagerness, hope, excitement at the ending that will become the beginning – one of them or maybe all of them you don’t know.
As she steps inside and moves alongside of you your eyes slowly close, your breath stops and your heart feels like its about to explode from your chest. You take in her scent, let it wash over and through you. It stirs something deep within you, your eyes snap open and you lean to push the door shut, you’re patience now spent you end up slamming it and the sound of it’s louder than you intended but you don’t care, you’re here, she’s here and in this moment that’s all that matters. You reach out for her, you need to hold her, want to *love* her and here in lies the problem. For the first time ever you have no idea what to do.
She looks so fucking amazing, you want to kiss her everywhere but you don’t know where to start. She is not just pretty but beautiful, inside and out. She means something, she *is* something and you know she always will be. There is no understanding to most of this it’s just something that is and you won’t waste any more time thinking and trying decipher meanings to the unknown.
You are lost in her, her eyes, her lips, her skin, her.....just her. This is not what you’re used to, this is not sex, it’s something else, something you haven’t done and have no experience with. You’re uncertain, hesitant, you don’t want to fuck this up. There is lust and lust you know, there is passion and you think the two could be easily confused so maybe you know passion, but there is love and this is new, you don’t know how to love, how to show love, how to make love.
She takes all indecision from you as she tentatively leans her face to yours, her lips teasing you, wanting you, so close yet not close enough, not nearly close enough; in fact you don’t think you could ever get her close enough. Her breath mixed with yours, her eyes locked with yours, wanting, waiting, pleading. You have no choice but to close the miniscule gap she purposely left, your decision now, hers already clear. Finally your lips touch hers. It feels like your on fire, you could be dying or maybe, just maybe this is what it feels like to be alive, you’ve never been able to do either before but whichever this is you decide you like it - a lot.
You don’t want to stop, but there’s more, so much more. She’s calling you, enticing you and you’re the moth to her flame. You will willingly burn. Your mouth moves to cover more of her, down her neck to the shoulder that started this whole thing. The moans she emits from the smallest of your touches do nothing to calm you they just stoke your fire. As her lips and hands start to move like your own you hear yourself moaning with just as much gratification.
You need it all, need her. Your gentle actions are now more demanding and you’re slightly surprised to find her actions mirror yours. Her hands are burning a trail under your shirt from your stomach to your chest and when they leave you moan loudly at their loss. It’s not for long though and for this you are more grateful than you think you’ve ever been. Her fingers have made light work of your shirt and her hands are quickly back to scorching your skin. For a second you just watch in fascination as she moves to envelope you in her tiny arms. You wonder what it was you did to deserve her; you wonder what it is she sees. You remind yourself that some things, this thing, just is. You will loose yourself in her and you will go willingly.
You will love her.
As her arms release you from their hold, yours continue to hold her tight but as her hands reach the button on your pants and you hear the unmistakable sound of the zip as she lowers it tantalising slowly your brain engages and suddenly your need for her cannot wait. Your hands reach to undo the tie at her neck and as you pull the material of her dress down to pool at the floor you are in awe. You could feed forever on the scent of her arousal; it’s a new hunger that you doubt will ever be satisfied. Your mouth works of its own accord, you need to taste all of her, every inch of her skin so you manoeuvre her backwards to fall gently on the bed.
The sight of her laid out before you, what you can read and see written all over her; want, need, desire, so much love - everything that scared you, it’s almost too much. Your knees bend of there own accord and crash to the floor below. You close your eyes and have to concentrate just to breathe. Never did you dare imagine. You feel her touch, a loving caress to awaken you. You open your eyes and she’s there. This is not a dream, it’s real.
Now you’re ready to burn.
You lay yourself down with her, touch her, kiss her, state your claim to own and be owned. You trace every line, every curve of her body and every inch of her causes every part of you to shiver. You are way beyond the realms of familiar territory and loving every minute of each new discovery. Every sight, every little sound, is mesmerising. You could live this way for all eternity.
You think you just might.
You touch, explore, feel, give everything to her, watch and feel as she does the same. You take your time, savour every movement you make. Nothing has ever been like this - felt like this. You never want it to stop.
As you close the last distance left between you, you finally understand it all. For the first time in your life you utter the words so long unfamiliar to you and you are surprised at how easy it is. You didn’t think anything could compare to how you feel in this moment until she smiles at you, the real one reserved just for you. It gets better still when a heartbeat later you hear the words whispered back to you.
Later as she lays asleep wrapped up in your arms you realise you have everything you never even knew you needed and you notice it’s quiet, inside and out.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Story Notes:
‘Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me’ etc etc (hands up if you sang along cause if you did you get cake!) It’s a biggy this year - I’ll give you a clue......depending on which point of view you take my life is just beginning or its all down hill from here on in – I’m siding with the latter but hoping for the former!
Wanted to get something on today so here are the warnings.....written very quickly, not checked, spelling and punctuation probably atrocious, story may not make sense and to top it all written in a style that will most likely annoy the hell out of you.....other than that.....enjoy!!!!!
Wanted to get something on today so here are the warnings.....written very quickly, not checked, spelling and punctuation probably atrocious, story may not make sense and to top it all written in a style that will most likely annoy the hell out of you.....other than that.....enjoy!!!!!