There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare
She was drowning. Marie felt like she couldn’t breathe. The world was a mess of shifting colours and blurred images seen through Rogue’s eyes. Everything she heard was purposely filtered by Rogue and anything she didn’t think Marie could withstand was garbled and lost in translation as Rogue did her best to shield her ‘weaker’ half. Marie was getting tired of being protected, tired of everything that Rogue hid from her. She was getting sick of being pushed in the solid little ‘Marie box’ every time Logan or Jean’s name came up.
Two things were made clear to her. Logan had wilfully cheated on her with Jean. He did not love them and they were used as his pathetic excuse to try and make up for a past he could not remember but was still deeply ashamed of. She was what was supposed to save him. He was only doing his best to become something he was not; A man capable of deep emotion, unfaltering loyalty, and capable of loving a girl that had become enamoured of him on their first meeting. She knew what had been expected. It had given her joy when she heard everyone talking. They all assumed that one day Rogue and Logan would become a couple. They all assumed that Logan loved her as much as she clearly loved him, no matter how much she said it was only a crush. Logan had only been doing what was expected and trying to fit in with a group of do-gooders and misfits that as different as they were, viewed him with suspicion and fear. Marie knew that she had deluded herself. She was angry at Logan, she seethed at his deception. On her worst days Marie wanted to rip out his balls and shove them down his throat. But she understood that Logan could not change the man he was just for her, a simple girl from Mississippi. He had tried but he was what he was. Even the Wolverine in him could not change him.
So even if Marie had begun to come to terms with the man Logan had tried to be versus the man he could not change, she made herself a promise. She would never believe his lies again. He would never have the power he once held over her. She would hold on to all her anger until it became hatred so she would never be fooled by him, or any other man, in the future. She would use everything she knew about his past against him if he ever showed his face to her again and she would tear him down piece by piece if he ever tried to touch her, however platonically. She knew who he was, he could no longer hide and she was no longer blind to his obvious faults.
See how I’ll leave, with every piece of you
Don’t underestimate the things that I will do
There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bring me out the dark
The first time Logan came face to face with her it was Rogue he dealt with. He was merely stopping by to get his stuff, at least that’s what he convinced himself was the reason he’d come back. It had been four months since the incident with Marie. The Wolverine in his head was driving him crazy with all the images he planted in Logan’s head. Images of Marie and him reconciled and happy. So he let himself be convinced that no matter what his gut told him, she would want to see him. So he wandered the grounds a little, hoping to meet her on his turf in the trees where he felt safest. After that he went into the back door to try to avoid notice. Chuck knew the moment he walked in the door, probably knew he was coming before he was even ten km from this place. Chuck called a greeting directly into his mind and Logan growled in reflex. He hated telepathy and all it entailed but for once he was almost nostalgic about Chucks greeting. It almost made him feel home…and normal, whatever that was. Until Chuck made it clear that if he was back to stay he would need to keep his distance from Rogue. She was still in a delicate state and she would not take kindly to news of his return. Logan grunted that he understood but he was only coming to get the stuff he’d left behind. He wasn’t staying.
He went to his room and froze when he heard her voice. He had almost forgotten that at one point it had been ‘their’ room. And she had kept it. He swallowed a couple times and forced The Wolverine behind walls that Logan had reinforced mercilessly after he’d left this place. No way was he letting Wolverine handle a potential confrontation between the two. Hell who was he kidding? There was no potential about it. If he saw Rogue he would be lucky not to be forced into an all-out brawl. He couldn’t stop the pride he felt at the thought that even he would be hard pressed to win a fight against Rogue when she was bent on murder. Her skin wasn’t the only thing that made her lethal. She had been his best student.
Any positive feelings he had were lost the moment he stepped in that room. It was changed, changed so much that he didn’t recognize it anymore. All the furniture he had made for them with his own hands and claws were replaced by metal: the bedframe, the desk, the dresser. All the warm shades of green and bared wood that had kept him grounded had been replaced by neutral shades of black and white and all the metal made him flashback to hospital beds and doctors and people that tore him open and encased his bones in adamantium. Just the sight of the room made him feel nauseous and fearful. He had the sudden feeling that he was trapped. He felt himself stiffen and Wolverine began to growl. All thoughts of reconciliation were gone. She had known what this room would do to him. She had planned for his return.
Rogue was talking on the phone and didn’t see him right away when she stepped out of the bathroom. Logan barely managed to stop himself from tackling her and demanding why she had done this. As it was he started growling and backing up towards the door. He hated this room and he felt the beginnings of his berserker rage overcoming his control. She had done this to THEIR room. She had ruined it and every good memory he had of this place. Even Wolverine was feeling betrayed.
She turned sharply at his growl and raised an eyebrow at the anger written in the scowl on his face. Calmly she told the person on the line that she would have to let them go. She had something that she needed to deal with. She would call them back in 15 minutes. Logan fumed and resisted the urge to release his claws. He was worth only 15 minutes of her time?
She hung up and watched him warily, her eyes full of caution and contempt.
“What do yah want, Logan? Ah’m busy.”
Logan flinched at her casual dismissal of his appearance. He hadn’t expected her to welcome him back with open arms but he hadn’t expected this cold of a welcome either, no matter what she’d told him on the phone. Automatically he had his back up and even if he was shorter than her he was still damn intimidating. He didn’t let himself regret the fact that he felt the need to intimidate her.
“I came to get my stuff.” He said shortly. Too angry to speak the apology he had meant to start with.
Rogue laughed bitterly and she smirked. “Sugah, you ain’t got anything left. Tell me why you’re here.”
And just as quickly, he was in her face snarling. “What have you done to Marie? I want to talk to her!”
Rogue was far from perturbed by his proximity. Her smirk merely widened and she flipped her hair over her shoulder as she shrugged. “Sorry Sugah, Marie can’t come to the door right now. She’s busy and she told me to tell you to fuck off.”
“You’re lying Rogue now let me see Marie or I’ll…” He released his claws with a loud *snikt* and growled.
Rogue laughed without mirth and shook her head in disbelief. “You’ll what, Logan? You may not like me very much, but I am Marie whether you choose to believe that or not. Maybe Ah’m not the weak little girl that you knew but the side that’s strong enough to kick your ass if you so much as try anything.”
He stepped back and sliced through the bed. He felt little comfort as the metal railing fell to the floor with a clang. He wanted to kill someone. Rogue would be convenient but she was right. She was Marie and he could never hurt Marie, at least physically. Once upon a time he’d believed that he wouldn’t be able to hurt her any other way either. He’d been a fool then.
Rogue’s smile faded and she studied him with an air of curiosity. He folded his arms over his chest and waited, willing to wait as long as it took for her to relinquish Marie. Marie would listen to him. She could never hate him. That was the only thing Logan was absolutely certain of. She’d seen the best and worst of him and she’d loved him in spite of it. She couldn’t hate him.
“You really don’t know what you’ve done do you?” Rogue finally asked. He merely glowered at her until she sighed. “I almost pity you, but to pity you would mean that I actually cared anything about you. But contrary to what you believe, I could care less about you. I don’t hate you or love you. You’ll find that Marie is a different story. So you can see her if you want. Just…don’t expect too much.”
He knew the instant Marie was in control. Rogue’s sharp green eyes were replaced by Marie’s brown ones. He was used to seeing them full of warmth. It hurt when he realized that the last time he’d seen them they had been full of agony and confusion. Logan had caused that, the supposedly more civilized side of himself. It was the Wolverine that had never hurt her and never could.
Logan grunted and actually stepped back from the force of her punch. He hadn’t seen it coming in the least and he watched Marie bewildered as she hissed at the pain in her knuckles. She had fractured or broken at least one knuckle with that punch. His entire skull was encased in adamantium.
“You fucking bastard! How dare you show your face! I hate you!” She punched him in the gut with her other hand and shoved him back against the broken bedframe. The piece he’d sliced off earlier had left the end of a rail sharp and exposed. His leg was pierced by it and he swore. He hated pain, no matter how fast he healed. His eyes widened at the maniacal gleam he saw in Marie’s eyes when the rail impaled him. She laughed and shoved him again. He jumped away from her and the bed and raised his hands up in defeat. What had happened to his Marie?
“Aww…did I hurt you Logan?” She advanced towards him and snarled. “Well I’m not sorry, you fucking bastard. And if you don’t get out of my face I’ll do more than that.” She took off her glove and moved closer to him.
“Marie, wait! I’m sorry!” He finally said what he’d come here to say. He hoped it made her listen to him. “Jean was nothing, she meant nothing. I was just using her. I’m sorry.”
Marie stopped at that, disbelief clear on her face. “You’re sorry Logan? You’re sorry for what? Being you? Nothing you say can change what you are.”
Logan froze at the certainty in her voice. She knew him better than anyone. She knew what he was. If she was condemning him she was not lying. Not Marie. If he’d screwed things up so bad that she hated him he deserved whatever pain she could cause him.
“What am I Marie? What am I?” his stomach twisted in fear at what she would tell him. He didn’t deserve redemption.
“You’re a liar Logan, and a cheater. You’re incapable of love. You’re a monster that toys with people by giving them what they want and then tearing it away from them. You don’t care about anyone but yourself and you never will. Even before you lost your memories you were an animal who killed for fun and took pleasure in people’s pain. That wasn’t The Wolverine that was you, Logan, the man. I hate you and I want you to leave before you taint anything else. If there is anything in you that is remotely human, you would leave and never show your face again. You disgust me.”
Logan was out the door and running before the last words left her mouth. Marie hated him. He was worthless and everything he’d feared about himself was true. He disgusted Marie. Marie hated him. He didn’t realize he was crying until he was jumping on his bike and leaving. Marie hated him.
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat
Baby, I have no story to be told
But I’ve heard one of you and I’m gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there as mine sure won’t be shared
Marie was angry and relieved and heartbroken all over again. He’d tried to play her once more. He’d said sorry and clearly expected her to forgive him for everything he’d done. Everything that they were had been a lie. She could have laughed at the cliché of it all. She was a woman betrayed. And for even one second she’d been willing to let him back into her life. For one second she’d wanted to forgive him for everything for some story he’d told her. Some excuse, belittling what she’d imagined they’d had. If only he had been the man she’d hoped for, the man she had once been certain he was capable of becoming. She could have made him happy if he had been different, or she had. But it was over and she would make sure the professor knew that if he allowed Logan back she would leave. He didn’t belong there in her home. Home meant safety and he was the worst kind of danger she knew. She would do her best to make him pay for giving her a glimpse of what could have been.
Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow
Logan did what he did best. He ran and fought and drank. And he kept in touch with the professor, no matter how much it hurt. He tortured himself by asking about Marie. The professor gave him updates but always advised that Logan refrain from asking about her. It was only detrimental to his well-being. Logan asked anyway, knowing somehow that Marie would be aware of him asking. Some part of him that remained selfish wanted to hear that she was grieving still. That she was barely coping without him. Some part of him needed to hear that she hurt as much as he did. The reports were always positive. She was doing well. She went out with her friends, she dated, she smiled and laughed more. She was happy and he was not.
Chuck told him she was seriously dating a new teammate named Remy LeBeau. They were never apart long. The professor believed she might love him. Logan tried to kill himself a few times after hearing that. Marie was happy without him. She loved someone else. He wanted to die. And only he was to blame. He hadn’t realized how truly happy he had been with her. Not just content, but happy. And he’d ruined it all. Marie had moved on.
Rogue felt a glimmer of satisfaction when she heard from the professor that Logan had been asking about her. She knew he would. And what better revenge could she get by torturing him with her happiness. It was forced most days, but she had become adept at concealing her true feelings, even from the professor. He was glad that she was happy but she knew that he worried over Logan. Rogue forced herself not to care. He had broken her heart. Yes, her heart, not just Marie’s. Rogue was quick to point out that Marie was weaker but in truth Rogue was just as bad, maybe worse. She had pined for him, even as Marie punched him and laughed at his pain. Rogue had panicked at the smell of his blood and ached to soothe him. Even as Marie told him she hated him. Rogue loved Logan, just as much as Marie loved him. But the aftermath of their tirade had nearly broken them. Marie was still in hiding, refusing to face what she had done. Rogue coped the only way she knew how. She went with Marie’s original plan of revenge. Logan had hurt them once. It was time to make him hurt just as much.
Could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart and soul in your hand
But you played it, you played it, you played it to the beat