ReverendKilljoy [Contact]
Real name: Matthew Cafiero
Member Since: 04/30/2007
Membership Status: Member

MSN IM: MSN IM mrwrong972
Yahoo IM: mrwrong972
Beta-reader: 1
Schoolteacher. Author. Father. Former drug runner and member of Ugly American, the Official Worst Irish Folk Band EVER.
 
Reviews by ReverendKilljoy
Rogue is kicked out of her only ride. Laughlin City wasn't as friendly looking as it sounded, neither were the people.


Rated: R
Categories: X1
Characters: None
Genres: None
Tags: None
Warnings: None

Series: None
Chapters: 1
Wordcount: 1893 - Hits: 2507
Complete?: Yes - Published: 05/03/2007 - Last Updated: 05/03/2007
Reviewer: ReverendKilljoy Signed star star star half star
Date: 05/07/2007 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

First, thanks for sharing. Your voice is welcome. Your story is well structured and a little slick in its unfolding. The pacing was excellent.

Some technical notes: Rohypnol (ruffies) is a LOT less effective as a date-rape drug mixed with water than mixed with alcohol. Maybe they should comment that she struggled a little more or took a little longer than they expected?

A point on conventions- "encased" rather than "incased" would be proper here. Also watch out for "then" [indicates a certain time] versus "than" [indicates a comparitve such as "drunker than..." or "uglier than..."

One last comment. "Get the .... out!"?
Time to piss or get off the pot. If you don't feel comfortable using the language, either change it or write around it ["He left the bar with a muttered curse" or "Why I ought to," she began before laying into the profanities...] Leaving the line at it is smacks of disingenous self-censoring.

Hope this helped. I liked your imagery and look forward to more of your work. -Killjoy

Author's Response: I actually did have the word fuck in there, I think WRFA edited it. As for the criticism, greatly apperciated! I could never get the whole \"then, than\" thing down!