*lol* That was hilarious! Poor Jean and Scott have so many issues. I love the fact that he's put out that she can read his mind so completely, and that he can't read hers. I love his little peevish jabs of jealousy and petulance because he's not getting what he wants.

I LOVE the part where he's talking about her getting veiny and blowing out the windows and showing his leftover anger about vaporizing others into tiny little particles. *lol*

And poor Jean, trying to be the peacemaker.

Great couple squabbling. I hope they work it out. Just...just...*lol*.

Author's Response: Lol - this one totally wrote itself really. The bickering - well, Scott had a lot he wanted to say, think he needed to get it all out there *g*. Glad you enjoyed it :o)

What is he scared of? *puzzles* Why is he scared of Jean here? Oh, Logan. I'm so sorry for you. I thought this whole chapter was fairly tragic. *I* wanted to cuddle up and comfort you, and I promise that if I had been Rogue, I'd have stayed the night.

Author's Response: That one I could have probably explain better. In the beginning of the story I told how Logan must be sometimes sedated after his nightmares. In this one he was sedating himself. When he\'s sedated, he\'s unable to defend himself. Anything and everything is a potential threat.

You know? I was all set to give you fulsome compliments until I figured out it was the end! *lol*

ARA! *stomps foot* DAMMIT!!!

Ok. I loved the twists and turns in this fic. I actually didn't think his lack of love was Xavier at all. I thought it was coming back round to the 'vices' again. He seemed reay to make love to her until she hit the bathroom floor and was scare of him again. He said he never wanted her in that part of his life. I'm *really* not sure I want her in that part of his life either - not in *your* hands! *lol* But I think cutting himself off from that, that fear of himself, made him fear her, made him lose the part of himself that could feel her. I didn't think it had to do with Xavier at all.

And throughout this chapter, I was thinking that I wasn't feeling detachment from him. I was feeling ache and melancholy and loneliness. Numbness. Fear. He thinks she deserves to be loved. He doesn't think he's worthy of her. He still thinks it's something that she cries. I guess I saw those as signs that his love for her hadn't gone. It was all just hiding behind insecurity and impotence and fear.

Well...that's how it goes in my head anyway! *lol* And since you say it's done, I'm going to go ahead and make up an ending like that for them. Where vices somehow save the day.

But I loved this fic - bunny slippers, dark sexual images burned on my brain, humorous love scene, evil Xavier, teary ending and all. I think your fics are only getting better, Ara. I'm constantly amazed. Don't stop.

Author's Response: This was the end. But I\'m not ready to let go of this particular story yet. As soon as I get my head sorted out, I\'ll start a sequel. I got them in to this mess, and now I have to figure out a way to get them out of this. Nope. Logan\'s love towards Marie isn\'t gone. But how he feels right now is all on Xavier. I already have some ideas for the sequel, and things will be cleared on that one. Thanks for the fb on this one, and other fics you have commented. Appreciated, and given new points of views. :)

Wow. Your stories are usually a bit darker than I can manage at one go, but I have to say that I really enjoyed this one. A completely different take on L&M, one that used their mutations in a completely new way.

"Because one day your going to have to put me down permanently an' before that happens I wanted you to have a few good memories of me before you found out the truth about me. About what I really am underneath all this.... humanity."

Poor Logan. But he doesn't want pity. And as much as I think that it doesn't have to be that way for him, I think that's the way it is. It's the world they live in, and I don't think Logan's the kind of man who shuts his eyes to that. So if Rogue wants to be close to him, wants to live with him, she has to accept that, too.

"But that wasn't how she saw it, it wasn't how she felt, how she needed him. Seeing the truth of what he did didn't make her hate him, it made her love him. He did what needed to be done but the price was one that Logan didn't need to pay alone. "

No, I think your Rogue knows exactly what is at stake here, and she's becoming like Logan, too. The price isn't more than she's willing to pay.

And I love how easy Logan's acceptance of it is. He's not tortured. He's not regretful. He's not jaded or spiteful. This is how it is. And if he's lucky enough to get help, then he knows how to accept what's valuable in life, too.

A hard lesson, one I don't want to have to learn myself. But a powerful story, I think. Much enjoyed it. Thanks.

Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed it, I was going for what felt like \'the truth\' between them. I\'ve been reading more of the comic book Logan and I\'m finding a depth in there I\'ve missed before. Hopefully it\'ll be coming out more in the fic I\'m writing. He\'s a grown up, seen a lot of death and knows the value of someone he can rely on. Marie is just learning her way and Xaiver is not a nice man, Logan will teach her what it means to be what they are. Think I should carry this on Gamma? Thanks for the feedback anyhoo, it means a lot to me, thanks.

Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed it, I was going for what felt like \'the truth\' between them. I\'ve been reading more of the comic book Logan and I\'m finding a depth in there I\'ve missed before. Hopefully it\'ll be coming out more in the fic I\'m writing. He\'s a grown up, seen a lot of death and knows the value of someone he can rely on. Marie is just learning her way and Xaiver is not a nice man, Logan will teach her what it means to be what they are. Think I should carry this on Gamma? Thanks for the feedback anyhoo, it means a lot to me, thanks.

Wow. This got much darker, didn't it? I see what you mean about exploring Logan/Wolverine more fully. I think it's clear that he's trying very hard to keep Wolverine at bay and below the surface. But Xavier needs Wolverine, and Logan sometimes needs to let him out. It's interesting to see how much Wolverine is like the ID - completely and utterly selfish, about power and assertion and control. In some ways, I think Wolverine has more control over himself than Logan does - he just chooses to exert that control in different, purely selfish ways.

I'm not sure what Logan's defining characteristic is, except that he seems to be constantly under the pressure of fighting, of holding everything in. He seems incredibly unstable to me in this fic. It's clear he loves Marie, but he's wearily resigned to what Wolverine does and makes him do - EXCEPT for this rape. But at the same time, he knows his weakness, too. And his love. I think, for right now, his world is dominated by fear - of himself. I hope he can get through it. I hope Marie can.

Xavier seems to have pushed Logan to this. I'm thinking that Wolverine might have been easier to handle before Xavier needed him so much. And I can't really forgive Xavier for the way he handled their departure in Chapter 3. Wolverine could really have injure someone. He nearly did. He later does. He's using him and Marie, without regard to the consequences. He's not evil so much as someone who benefits from evil.

I was glad to see that Marie had Logan's # in chapter 4. She's got sass and charm and brains, and I love it! My favorite was the moment when she takes over the steering wheel and notes with satisfaction that that was *exactly* right. And she seems able to read him and stand up to him - good. But she's constantly on egg shells around Logan. Even before the rape, everything was about him. She was always accommodating him. I even know why. But that's got to be breaking her, too. It's not just about him. It's about THEM. The two of them. Her, too. I hope she gets the support she needs. I hope being strong isn't being just strong enough to survive him.

My God, you deliver on the angst-y darkness! *lol* Excellent characterization. Am waiting, nervously, anxiously for what happens next.

Author's Response: Thanks Gamma, The whole of chapter 5 was about the \'animal\' within him, that he is intelligent, knows what he\'s doing but he shields his weaker half (Logan) from seeing it. It\'s like a split personality, he *had* to conform to the \'rules\' around the mansion and Wolverine *knew* that. But now he\'s away from there permanently he can breathe again. I\'ve known several bi-polar people and I\'ve really been giving Logan some thought on those lines. I mean in his history he\'s been shot, murdered, tortured, abused, spat on, betrayed, had the people he loved killed in front of him. He\'s *not* stable, I mean sure his mind shields him from some of it but Wolverine remembers EVERYTHING. So when Wolverine gets involved he really is a killer, he cares only about himself and what pleases him. But now Marie has cast her lot in with him, she\'s strong, she\'s had to be. I mean she got a dose of Eric, all his memories, all the abuse he suffered, his life wasn\'t easy. She knows what suffering means, she has first hand evidence in her head. Yet as Logan said, \'Remembering it an seein it for real are different worlds.\' (I think it was that) She\'s got some words to say, some rules to put down herself, it\'s a partnership and for Logan it\'s a risk. He could end up killing her, or getting her killed but Wolverine *knows* her too, he knows she\'s strong enough to take it. It\'s just how to get to that strength, he\'s had to suffer to get it, how she\'ll get it is another question entirely. I\'m really glad your enjoying it, things about Logans character remind me of John Rambo in First Blood. All he wants is to be left alone, to get a drink an pass through. He\'s damaged yes but he knows he is and he avoids people because of it. Logan ignores everyone but Marie because she\'s deadlier than he is she just doesn\'t know it yet. Wolverine will hone her and she won\'t be used by anyone, not even by him. It\'s just the journey of how she gets there and if she survives it. Thanks for following me along this dark road, now you know why its called \'I never wanted this for you...\' Thing is it could be the best thing to ever happen to her now she\'s seen the other side of Xavier, it is a war just a covert one, seen through the eye of the soldier.

I know I haven't commented in a long time. RL, you know. And also - believe it or not - it takes me longer to comment on fics that I think are really good. I think this is your strongest fic. It's got an impressive character arc in Rogue and an impressive character in Logan. They're both so tortured, so wild, so loving at their core, and yet so hard and restrained and menacing on top. I think, more than anything, the deal with Xavier has proved that. Because as evil and sick as that deal was, Logan *still* would have chosen Rogue, knowing he shouldn't, wanting her anyway, willing to save her, die for her, waiting to claim her. And it would be claiming.

And Rogue - I'm not sure if she would necessarily have had this darkness always, but the potential was always there. The grit always was. And now, it's like the moment has come for her to act. Her purpose in life, her path has been illuminated and here she is walking it. She's chosen it. Herself. She's made herself into someone who will walk it. And that's a little terrifying, frankly. What she's willing to become for the belief in - I'm not sure what. Maybe in hope? Oddly enough. Hope that there's a better way than Xavier's way. Hope that others with lethal mutations, like hers, can have some contribution, can learn control, can let someone in. Hope that it doesn't have to be all machinations and lies.

The pair remind me of the soldier in Firefly, who is sent to kill the Captain. "My way is not the way. It is the way that the rest of humanity will exist." (*mumble, mumble* badly quoted *cough, cough*)

But what makes these two human is the way in which they are *not* perfect. They have vulnerabilities - huge ones. I think Rogue has not really considered the repercussion for herself in choosing this life, in hiding and sneaking and lying and killing. And she seems to still need reassurance that she chose this way, that Logan would have chosen her, even if Xavier hadn't been involved. That Logan will forgive her for being sometimes stronger and sometimes different than him. That he'll still love her when she's sometimes wrong.

And Logan's vulnerability is how much he mistrusts Wolverine, maybe? He doesn't trust Rogue to love that part of him. He doesn't himself love that part of him. And he may always need reassurance that he's done the right thing in training Rogue. That he'll be loved anyway even after being Wolverine in order to claim Rogue all those years.

Ultimately, I hope these two will realize that it's not Xavier they're really fighting. It's themselves. Because Xavier had no real power over them to begin with. He used Rogue as bait, yes - but what was to stop Logan from just taking her at any time? How was Xavier ever in a position to promise Rogue to him - without her consent? He put Rogue's life in danger and kept her alone and apart. But how could he have prevented it if she became the most popular girl in school later? Or if she left and never came back?

Everyone in this fic makes choices. I love that they're morally ambiguous. And if that wasn't enough - I LOVE the reference to spider silk!! Hahahah Yay! If it weren't a favorite already, that alone would push it over the top. (Although - spider silk's major benefits are its strength, moisture regain, elasticity, and low density. So it has major benefits over kevlar or nylon for things like parachutes, seat belts, and bullet protective vests. But the abrasion resistance - not so hot. It's a protein fiber. So I wouldn't expect it to be the world's best fiber for lady's unmentionables. Still. Soooo cool you mentioned it. *lol* And I love that Logan planned that ahead of time. *fluttery sigh*)

Author's Response: Thanks Gamma, as always your insights to what I write illuminate more to me than I realise. For me it\'s sometimes just \'head\'s down and pour it out\' type of writing adn when that happens I\'m never sure of what will come out or if it makes sense. Marie\'s choices *have* brought her here, to the place where she is with Logan/Wolverine. A child\'s view of the world being broken apart and being reassembled as she works out what she wants for *herself*. Logan has control issues, he\'s been controlled by others, with his food, his behaviour, his very mind and now when he\'s with Xavier he had a modicum of freedom until Marie came. Him being controlled he could live with, he\'s paranoid enough to see it happening to him but to see it happening to Marie when he *knew* she needed better. He\'d have taken her eventually, Wolverine would\'ve acted and stolen her if not for the machinations of Xavier. In this world she wasn\'t put in the Machine in X1, she never made it that far. Sabs nearly killed her and Logan ended up giving her everything he had on a lonely piece of road with the rest of the crew fighting around them. Now Marie has some modicum of control it\'s going to be hard not to show it, underneath she\'ll be screaming out to them all \'look I can touch!\' But she has to keep control of her emotions, Xavier has shown his first piece of humanity. His fear of *her*, that she\'s done this *willingly*, that she wanted to do this with Logan and would have eventually. His control over Logan will be tested and it\'s like the possum who play\'s dead but in reality knows exactly what\'s happening to it. Just dont be surprised when he actually bites back, now Marie has her path and her freedom he\'ll kill for her to keep it. And Marie will for Logan, whether they end up as heroes or villians is another story altogether and that\'ll only come out in time. So thanks for commenting Gamma, and I loved that you liked the spider silk, apparantly there are places where you can buy underwear with it in. Besides if it feels good wear it, an Tiny isn\'t a man to turn down someone like Logan. Thanks again hon.

Xaviers ivy clad walls were about to come tumbling down from beneath and they'd be the ones removing the keystones.

Great last sentence. They *had* known that Xavier was manipulating people in this way before, but to hear it in detached, bureacratic language such as this is always worse. It sounds inhuman. And yet, I have to ask myself, if I was Xavier and I observed unstable mutants all around me, saw their potential for destruction, if I wouldn't act the same way. If I wouldn't seek to manipulate them into 'positive' behaviors, and secure situations wherein negative behaviors and instability is mitigated. To me, where he draws the line is in using personal relationships to suit his own ends - the 'breeding programs', 'rewards', etc.

It seems to me that Marie is actually the leader and the stronger one in the relationship now. Am I reading that right? His snagging of her chicken seems like something much more like what she might have dared in earlier chapters, when she wasn't yet her equal. And she's been able to drop him not once but several times in the danger room. He later leaves after she bests him, in a defeated posture, and he seems to be leaving opinions about Xavier and plans to defeat him in her hands. A lot of the time, he seems to comfort and support her. Interesting. I think Logan's own self-worth has always been low, and maybe he's seen this potential in her alway. Perhaps her being strong means he no longer has to be so much. Or sometimes, when two people shift from teacher-student to a more equal relationship, the teacher backs off from a leadership position for a while, as though to cement the new parity. At any rate, very interesting.

And now we have possible allies in Storm, Kitty, Piotr, Emma, and the secretary at Xavier's. I wonder if they will be part of taking him down, or if the will be part of the solution to come.

Oh, don't worry about your story summaries! I suck at them, too. And titles. But people aren't judging them - it's just a quick little 'there' so you know what you're getting into, the type of fic. But shorter is best - we're all skimming. :) I think the two sentences you have after the disclaimer work well.

Now - onto the story. I really enjoyed this, especially as the chapters progressed. Probably because I've done that kind of research, I loved Rogue's time in the library and the archives, finding out information on the family tree, digging up relatives and yearbook photos. I thought you described the high you get from that well - and the delight - and the speculation: what was he like? What did his friends call him? Did he have a girlfriend? All really true, and I think this version of Logan is fascinating. I can picture him. *bunnies dancing about* :)

But my favorite chapter was this Xavier chapter. I liked his 'little smile' like he gets a high from reading minds. I loved Rogue's paranoia, how that wasn't really appeased because he kept trying to reassure her while reading her thoughts. Heh. Unintentional comedy.

But I also loved that the professor *knew*. I see this getting really interesting now. Is the professor right? Is Logan suppressing these memories for a reason? Or is the professor up to some nefarious plot of his own - because he came off like a fatherly benefactor *and* a little control-freak-y. I love that you don't really answer that question.

And now I can't wait to hear what Rogue does. Because I think Logan could react a variety of ways to this information. The secrecy, the knowing, and the not knowing. And if he really is suppressing a horrible past, WHAT IS IT? And if she decides, like the professor, not to let him know, even if it's for his own good, what will that do to their tentative relationship? What will his knowing that she dug up ANY part of his life do? He's a private man. It was behind his back.

*intrigue* Good job. As I say - especially this last chapter.

Author's Response: Good gawd, Gamma!! You always manage to see more than even I do, and I\'m writing the damn thing!! I always love your FB, so much really useful stuff, even when your giving criticism, it\'s ALWAYS constructive.
I\'m the unofficial genealogist of the family, so I know first hand the thrill of \"the hunt\", I\'m glad it showed thru in the library setting.
As for the Prof and his convo w/Rogue, this whole story is just sort of writing itself! That whole chapter wasn\'t even a spark in my head until I laid my fingers on the keyboard...it just all sort of spilled out!
Now I\'m all nervous, wanting to live up to your expectations! I was gonna have chapter 5 end it, but you\'ve got my brain workin\' overtime now, dammit! I guess, though, I\'ll just put my hands on the keys again and see what happens, it hasn\'t done me wrong yet!

Again, thanks for the FB!

Oh, I was extremely busy, and I hadn't gotten around to reading this, let alone have time for fb. But I'm so glad you're continuing. I love the way the insecurity and uncertainty is coming into play here.

The telling had it's comic moments, with bad-ass Marie giving Logan a piece of his mind, and Logan's facial expressions were priceless. But as the full import weighed down - when so many things like whether Marie was *Marie* or some incarnation of Marie or Jean Marie were unclear - it all became much more complicated. What implications do the past have on the future? And what, after all, is Logan looking for?

And meanwhile, they're both confused and hurting. Poor Marie, falling asleep in ice cream. Incredibly sweet that Logan lugged her to bed. And I hope Logan listens to his heart, because as Xavier says, maybe his memory isn't important now anyway, not like it was. Of course, maybe it's the bugaboo waiting to seize him at an unlikely moment! *lol* But if he wants something, he should take it. Love him.

And I love the balance of humor and angst in every chapter! Greg? Greg who! *lol*

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the FB and great support, Gamma. I\'m still not quite sure where I\'m going to go next...I\'m leaning quite closely to another face to face between our favorite couple, I don\'t know about specifics yet, but they will end up together, I promise.

Yeah, the humor stuff, it just pops outta nowhere, I\'m a terrible smart @$$ in real life, and that\'s the sort of thing I\'d say, even knowing what the word meant! And besides, Logan is so easy to screw with that way, ya know?!

Do you know what's interesting to me? Marie seems to trust others much more than she trusts herself. She trusts the Professor to go inside her mind, and she trusts Logan not to hurt her. She trusts Hank to know what's going on.

But she doesn't trust herself to know the answer. She went searching through the library searching for something for Logan, some lead, some following of a dream of hers, but she had no expectation she'd find anything. And though she expressed doubts to the Professor about how Logan would react, when she told him, she didn't really feel *those* doubts - not that he'd be mad at her for prying or for looking, not that he'd

She doubted that he'd like that *she* was a part of his past. She doubted that she was important enough to him, that she was enough for him. Poor Marie. She has such a lot of faith. I hope she gains a little in herself. *hugs her*

This chapter didn't really settle *anything*! hahah! You meanie! Except for the fact that Logan is alright, all those same answers are waiting there for us. Are Marie & Jean Marie the same person? Related? Does Logan remember? Does he want the same things in this life as before?

*rushes off to read next chappie*

Author's Response: I didn\'t realize how much of myself is in Marie until this review of yours, GM. You really hit me between the eyes; and here I thought I was being sooooo detached in my writing!!

GAH!! There you go again with the insightful stuff that I don\'t even see and I\'m the darn author!! Gawds, you\'re good!

I don't actually *like* this fic in a way. At the same time, I think it's incredible. I think you managed a kind of detached description throughout that was indicative of Rogue's state of mind, her body-mind disconnect, how good everything can feel, how certain even when you're down and know nothing about what's really going on.

And the sex was *incredibly* hot! More hot, somehow, because Wolverine was intimate but not particular. He made a deal. He got what he wanted. But neither of them are getting what they need. Wolverine is so fucking cold. I think they both are.

Author's Response: Don\'t know why, but at the moment everything I try, all the fics I try to write come out like this. I have a good life, great hubby, lovely kid and a cat that drives me nuts. Yet I feel somehow detatched, and that feeling leaks to my writings. Probably have to put aside WIP\'s until I feel normal again. Yup. They\'re both cold. I\'m not sure if Marie has always been this cold, or did the shock of seeing \'uncle Logan\' again after five year\'s absence and his proposal made her like that.

I think you've nailed Logan's voice, his slight teasing, the edge, the worry underlaying it. I also liked the characterizations of Bobby and John, their slight peevishness with the decidedly more manly Logan, the way they baited each other, egged each other on. Bobby's jealousy. How Marie didn't know how to be with Logan and those two in the car at the same time. Very true to life, IMO.

“What do you say we take off, kid?” Logan grimaces, cracking his knuckles. It’s loud, and it makes my stomach churn.

“It hasn’t been five minutes yet,” I point out, for reasons I cannot fathom. Logan just propositioned me, whether it was serious or not, to run away with him. I twirl my hair and avoid his sweet, chocolate frosting colored eyes. He reaches across me and, instinctively, I recoil as much as possible. He gives me ‘the Laughlin eyebrow’, as I’ve affectionately named it, and mentally I bang my head against the dashboard. He pops open the glove box and snoops around. “I don’t think Professor Summers would appreciate you going through his things, Logan.”

**** The UST is killing me here. The whites of his eyes. His Laughlin brow. The confined intimacy of the car, the way his arm stretches out over her seat, the way she's rearranging her nightgown and her hair.

This Rogue is so true to the movies, I think. Sexually aware but unsure and inexperienced due to her mutation. Wise. A little sassy. Knows she's playing with fire.

I'm not so sure I'd always describe L&M as a sports car and a truck respectively, *lol*, but I liked the metaphor for this fic. And I'm now imagining this exchange inserted into X2. *sighs my shipper heart* Because there weren't enough moments in that film. Great short fic.

Author's Response: Thank you :) You give the best, most constructive reviews!