I sat and listened as they fought. I don't think they realized how loud they were. It hurt me to hear the pain in his voice as he said, "Is that it, then? After all these years, you can just say good-bye like that?"
"It's not that simple, Scott." Jean's usually calm voice was raised, though still controlled.
"I think it is. You've wanted him since he showed up, and now you'll get your chance."
"Logan has nothing to do with my not wanting to go to Alaska with you."
I would go with you. I would go anywhere you asked me to, Scott. But you never saw me, never looked beyond red hair and green eyes to see me, and I never pushed. You belonged with my best friend, two halves made whole in love. I respected that. I loved you as a couple, though my heart cried out as I watched Jean turn from you to Logan.
I knew she did not love Logan. I knew Logan did not love her. But the attraction between them was strong, and it needed to be faced eventually. You and Rogue would bear the scars of the fire burning between them. And I would as well. Because I wanted to go to you, tell you how I felt, but I knew the time was not right. Would never be right. How could you look at me, want me, after having the near-perfection of Jean for so many years?
Men have called me beautiful. I accept that. Logan used to approach me incessantly, which I found amusing. And I will not deny his attractions. But his is not a temperament I could handle for long. He needs someone to soothe him and teach him control; I want to be the one who drives a man mad and makes him learn to lose control. That is what I want with you, Scott. But you will never see it. I will never take the chance of ruining our friendship, or my friendship with Jean, for feelings I was once sure would pass quickly, though they never have.
I take your hand as you leave, and press a kiss to your cheek and pray you do not feel my trembling. Logan's nostrils flare and I see him looking at me, but he is not perceptive. He will never guess my feelings for you. He cannot even see Rogue's feelings for him, nor his own for her. That is why I know this thing he will have with Jean is such a big mistake. I could tell him, but it is not my place to interfere. So I stand back and watch as the months pass and Rogue loses what little of Logan she had left.
She leaves and I kiss her goodbye as well. I wonder if you will turn to her when she reaches you, the two of you finding solace in each other, and it makes me physically ill.
I can no longer look Jean in the eye. She drove you out, away, and yet I am the one who feels guilty for dreaming of you, your finely chiseled features, your strong body, your lips pressing against mine.
I think she knows; how can she not? But she never speaks of it. It is invisible. As invisible as I am as a woman.
I know you will return to her inevitably, and she will take you back. I hope that Logan will eventually realize what good fortune he has in Rogue's love for him.
And I will remain alone, forever the best friend, the invisible woman.
End
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