Tomorrow makes it two years. Two years since the only girl I've ever loved killed herself. I often think back on the day when it happened. All the things we could've changed. Maybe we could've stopped it all from happening. Or maybe not. Who knows. It keeps me awake some nights, sometimes crying, thinking about her...and how it all happened. It could've all been so different...
So now here I am, laying in my bed, thinking about her face. Those two beautiful brown eyes that haunt me.
When I was young I knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice
The music blasts through my speakers. The words seeming all to familiar, all to true. I can't help but laugh a little, she was really never one to take any advice at all. I remember the first year she was here she had been failing math. I told her to think about asking Jean for some tutoring "It couldn't hurt, Rogue." I had said. I remember her eyes burning with anger, "Ah don't need stupid tutoring Bobby! Ah just haveta start actually payin' attention!" she had yelled back, throwing her books on the floor and storming out of the cafeteria. I laughed then, thinking about how stubborn she was and how much I loved her.
I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
I do try and convince myself it wasn't my fault. I have a feeling Logan does the same thing. The truth is, it is our fault. We all knew she was always slipping in and out of depression, always caught between being with me, or waiting to see if Logan could ever love her back. I knew, even then, she could never love me. Logan had stolen her heart the first moment she laid eyes on him, and I think, even if I tried my whole life to make her happy....she would've never been happy without him. It never stopped me though, never stopped me from trying. I'd ask her out on dates and buy her flowers. Tulips. She loved Tulips. It never worked though, and she felt horrible about it. She'd apologize and cry to me, telling me that she didn't like me like that...that it was only Logan. Always Logan.
For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
It was in the middle of our freshmen year of college when he returned. Even though almost two years had come and gone, they had picked up like no time had passed at all. He would take her to bars with him to watch him fight and she would make him go to the mall to shop with her. They were the most unlikely of friends, yet it came to both of them like a second nature. I will admit now that I was jealous. I was angry that after all the times I was there for her, all the times she cried about him to me, her tears soaking through my shirt...he was still the one she loved. To be honest, I was angry cause I never believed he deserved her.
Even though I knew I had no chance, I never let up. I still tried to woo her. Flowers. Cards. Poems. Anything to get her to noticed me, but it was never enough for her to love me. Instead she would just cry like always and tell me she couldn't be with me. "Ah'm so sorry Bobby...God, Ah'm so sorry."
He had been back for about three months when she finally decided it was time to be honest. It was raining that day, no sun in the sky. I wasn't there when she told him so I don't know how the conversation went exactly. I do know that she had said the words she had never spoken to anyone before, I love you. I remember seeing Logan from my window, he hopped on Scott's bike and was gone. I saw her standing on the porch, her arms wrapped around her body, hugging herself...crying. By the time I reached her, she was dripping wet, her clothes soaked. She turned to me, a sad smile on her face....a smile that would later fill my dreams and jerk me out of my sleep, tears in my eyes. It was the last time I would ever see her alive. Her last smile. "I told him Bobby..." she said, looking towards the sky and letting the rain wash away her tears, "and he ran."
"I love you." I hadn't meant to say it, but maybe I had thought it would make her feel better.
She looked at me, her eyes wide. I had always assumed she had known, I guess I had been wrong.
My best friend took a week's
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of
Valium and slept
The next morning Jubilee found her in her bedroom. Sprawled out on her bed, white linen sheets twisted around her body, glass of water and an empty bottle of Prozac on her nightstand. Logan had ran, I had confessed my love, and she had killed herself. After that, nothing seemed to make sense anymore. Logan had come back later that day to apologize. He had come back to tell her he loved her. He was too late.
He hadn't cried. I don't know if it was his pride, or maybe it was all just too unreal for him. Months flew by after that, everyone mourning, crying. Nothing seeming real. I hung a picture of her and I on my 18th birthday over my dresser, I would stare at it for hours, sometimes tears streaming down my face.
It was all our fault in the end. Our guilt, our loss...hanging over our heads.
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept
Now everything is different. Logan hardly talks to anyone but the professor now, I guess he feels too ashamed to talk to anyone else. During the days he takes the motorcycle that once belonged to Scott and drives for hours. No one knows where he goes for sure, but I'd bet he goes to the one place that would give him peace. I'd bet he drive's out to her grave and maybe there he feels real again, he feels alive. At night he lays in her old room, unchanged since she died, and even though I don't know for sure, I think he cries. Cause even though I loved Rogue with everything I had, I know now that I could never have loved her as much as he did. As much as he still does.
We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our
Heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to
Slip, we'd say
We don't talk about her, there's no need to. She's present in everything we do. Our movements, our words, our dreams. On our minds all the time. I've been slowly moving on, lately Kitty's been on my mind a lot. I know though, that whatever happens, it will always be Rogue for me...just as it was always Logan for her. Logan on the other hand...I have a feeling that Logan will never get over her. As sad as it sounds, I don't think he will ever love anyone half as much as he did Rogue. Marie. His Marie.
So we move on, one day at a time. Sometimes our shame and guilt are overwhelming. However, we carry on, praying to God for forgiveness and hanging our heads in the corridors, knowing we killed something beautiful. Because as much as we try and convince ourselves otherwise, it is our fault. He ran from her cause of fear and I tried to force her to love me. In the end, I guess it was too much...maybe she had thought there was nothing left for her or maybe she was just tired.
I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were only freshmen
The Verve Pipe - Freshmen
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I don't know why I wrote this, I must've been in a very strange mood...well, please please let me know what you think about it! unless you hate it, then please don't tell me hehe.