She woke first, the weight around her made her feel crushed. Then like the slow drip drip of coffee, last nights terror seeped through her skin, lodging into her mind and soul. Wolverine had 'raped' her, marked her with his scent and power. He hadn't physically entered her but he'd done enough to her for the knowledge of who she 'belonged' to to sit in her chest making it hard to breathe.
Pushing out of Logan's grip shifting away and heading to the bathroom feeling the chafing of the blanket wrapped around her skin. Finally letting it fall in front of the pock-marked steel mirror, her skin showing the patterning bruises. The dark browny blue shining through her pale skin, she'd been hurt in training before so the pain wasn't the thing that kept her from her routine. It was the way she'd gotten them, even being in the room made her panic, that he could just get up and force himself on her again. About to move out of the bathroom and back into the small motel room, her breath coming quick and fast, her skin waxing green as the sickness of the memory forced its way through her body.
Eye's locked onto Logan's own, he was sitting up fully dressed in the bed, he saw her distress, saw the bruises on her naked skin, saw the fear in her. The fear he'd put there, the cost of his actions there for him to see, for the world to see. Neither of them spoke, the air turned into amber, solidifying the emotions already choking the air between them. Love, hate, loss, regret, passion, need, forgiveness everything flowing around them like a maelstrom. It was Logan who moved first, he grabbed his duffel from under the bed turned to look at her once more and made for the door.
When she realised what he was doing he was almost to the door, her body weight slamming against the plywood catching his arm in the gap. "NO! You don't get to leave me!" He wouldn't look at her, couldn't look at her, but he didn't have gloves on so he couldn't touch her safely to move her out of his way. So he relied on growling to intimidate her, flashing her a piece of the Wolverine, hoping to scare her away from him. All it did was make her stomach shiver and her nerves resolve, if he was running he wouldn't hurt her. "NO Logan, you're gonna talk to me goddamn it! Ah've done everythin' you've asked me to, Ah'm here with you cos there's nowhere Ah'd rather be! Do you think Ah like knowin' that everyone thinks you fucked me back home?"
She caught her own remark and studied it, the school hadn't felt like home for a while, even her room hadn't been home. The touches that had been left by previous residents told her of her own transience there. Logan's movements brought her back to the present, he was trying to force his way through the door. Something snapped and she touched him, her hand gripping tight around his throat. Fingers digging into his skin, the light of surprise being drowned in relief as his thoughts began to filter into her head. He thought she was going to kill him, her cold laugh suffused the room.
"Aww no Wolvie, no easy way out for you or me," she dragged his now weakened body back into the room. Throwing him onto the bed with his borrowed strength, her senses alive as she snapped the lock shut behind her naked body. "We're gonna talk about *this*," she waved at her bruises, suddenly she could scent and sense the tension that lay in the stifling air of the room. Angry she looked at the bathroom, she knew damn well she couldn't use that room again. Not like this, she'd smell him everywhere in there and she wasn't ready to fall apart yet. "Fuck! How do you stand it, ah can't be *here* like this!"
Logan threw her her clothes, she looked at them with new eyes and senses as she pulled on her coverings. Everything had new sensations, new depth to it and she turned to see Logan with his hand in the depths of his duffel. The sudden smell of steel had her eyes locked to his, her body shifting to an attack posture. "Don't even think it Wolvie, I'll knock your ass down even before it's out of the bag." Tired eyes looked at her own, he'd aged about thirty years from her touch and he just relaxed his hand, pulling it out empty. His voice was equally as old when he answered her, "Logan, *my* names Logan. *Not* Wolverine." He drove home the point with his eyes, his hand closed over his arm rubbing the skin there.
Seeing him finally settling back down Marie could let herself deal with what she'd taken from him in those few moments. There was a lot of grief, anger, pain, refusal to admit he was anything but wrong for her, he was damaged and if she carried on with him down this road he'd kill her. Kill everything he loved about her, the way she smiled at him, the lightness she had about her when she moved through life. That would die, be jaded, her innocence destroyed by his lessons, his thoughts, his way of working. He'd turn her into him and he'd rather die than do that.
When she turned her head back to him he was staring into space, eyes glittering in the gloom. She *knew* what was going on in his head, pushing away from the door she flung herself at him. Gloved fists flying she attacked him, grabbing his shirts she pulled his face to hers, noting that he didn't look at her. Anger fuelled her strength as she shook him into response, "LOGAN! YOU FUCKER LOOK AT ME! AH'M NO CHILD, AH NEVER WAS!!" He avoided her for a few seconds more then he met her anger head on. The null void that was in his expression sucked all the anger from her, all the pain straight out of her sails. Rallying she searched for a flicker of life in him, some sense of love or care. "Logan?"
"Kid, I...I can't do this." He tried to push her away from him, tried to move her off him, still weakened by her touch he tried anyway.
Inside her world seemed to shatter, the thin shards of her belief, of her love spinning outward as if taken up by the hand of God. Creating a world of sharp edges where no thought could survive without being shredded, a blood soaked plain where nothing but desperation could survive.
Her throat filled with her heart, an emptiness hollowed out her stomach, even as her fingers curled tighter around his shirts. Clearing her throat she poured it out of her, this pain, this sickness, if he wanted to hurt her she'd share it with him, this last act of bonding. They'd be apart but this would always tie them together, this sharp pain drenched in hatred.
"Okay. What can't you do?" Her eyes were so close to his own, she could scent him as well as he could her. Lies would be pointless, but then she'd never heard him lie to her before so why should he now?
She dropped her head to one side watching the movement of his thoughts through his eyes, his hands slowly moved to her waist. Resting against her, their weight comforting even as she was coming apart at the seams.
"What can't you do, can't teach me, won't teach me how to kill?" She saw his gaze flare at her words, "Too late sugar, Ah already know that one. Learned that the night Ah walked into that room when you were sleepin'." It had been something between them that night, it had been the time Logan had really noticed her presence. As if he'd realised she was the only one who *could* kill him and he could think of worse ways to die than being held to her soft pale skin.
"Logan, Ah *WANT* you to teach me, Ah *NEED* you to be here with me. Goin back ain't an option for me, there's nothin left for me there. Don't ya see!" Her accent was thickening it always did when her emotions filled her mind like a tornado. "Ah'm a killer Logan, a weapon. Do ya honestly think Xavier was keepin' me out of the goodness of his heart? Ah've been thinkin ever since Ah followed ya, if he can do that to ya, then why is he so concerned about the rest of us?" A slow warmth seemed to seep upward into his eyes as the words reached his mind making him think, forcing him to consider exactly what she was saying. When she saw him reach the same conclusion she had she gave it voice for the two of them. "It was always about the two of us sugar, he made it that way, two weapons are better than one. Ah mean he only keeps the one's he can use in his war Logan, everyone there is a soldier. They just don't see it, they think they're loved, appreciated, cared for but it's a stockade Logan. Ah don't want to die there an your mah *only* chance Logan, Ah need you, all of you." Her vision was blurring shakign her head to clear the tears as the emotion rode itself out of her. There was one thing she'd never used, never said to him in every fight she'd kept it back. But she was going to use it now if she was going to lose him. Pulling him closer so her breath was brushing his lips, she felt him grip her tighter at the waist. "You *PROMISED* Logan, you promised me ya'd *never* leave me if Ah needed ya. That Ah could count on ya when everyone else was gone, well guess what Logan, everyone else *has* gone! So if you're thinkin about eating that gun in there then you'd better do me first!"
He didn't say anything for a while, just listening to her breathe, seeing her desperation, her rawness covering him, he'd taken so much from her but she needed so much more from him. He'd hurt her more this morning than he had last night, pulling his head down he dropped himself into her shoulder. Letting his pain wash through her body as his large hands cradled her back, her own hands wrapping around his head and holding him tight to her. Rocking backwards and forwards like she would to a child, it wasn't perfect but it was all they had.
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It was night when they stopped for dinner, the diner was an old one made out of a rail carriage, the decor stained and faded. Just like the staff that were now awaiting their order, Logan hadn't spoken to her since they'd checked out of the motel room. He'd seemed normal even when she'd plucked the keys from him and asked him where they were headed. He'd just said "North." leaving it at that, so that's what she'd done, just driven all day northward. They didn't stop at the gas stations, they just carried on, as if putting as many miles between the motel and them would purge the memories. The border wasn't far away and she was wondering where they'd be going next.
The waitress hadn't even looked at them really, she'd been staring out of the fogged glass, as if she'd been trying to find a purpose for her life in its frosted pattern. When they'd ordered she wandered away with the promise of hot food, returning quickly with two mugs of coffee dark and sweet smelling.
Marie picked hers up, the warmth leeching through her gloves, Logan's voice rumbled across the silence between them. "Take em off." Lifting her eyes she caught the look on his face, he was observing her watching for a sign of her questioning his words. When she quirked an eyebrow he just whispered to her, "Ya'll have to learn to be like other people, to fight without em', to kill with em and that means learning control."
The words seared across her mind, what was he taking about 'control'? She couldn't control it as far as she knew she'd been told that she was a prisoner in her skin. It was as if he'd been listening to her internal dialogue, lifting his own cup to his lips hiding what he was saying to everyone else but not to her still sharp hearing. "Just 'cos he *told* you it wasn't possible don't mean it ain't." The look in Logan's eyes right then was something she'd never forget, it was then that he'd made up his mind about her fully. It was then they'd become partners, that moment when he realised that she'd meant everything she'd said to him earlier. It was time for him to tell her about himself, everything he could bear to share with her and it was a night beither of them would forget for a very long time.
Dinner was steak, peas, carrots, mashed and roasted potato, thick gravy, treacle pudding and custard. Washed down with coffee so dark and rich it soothed every last nerve they'd both rubbed raw earlier that day. Finally when they'd finished they paid the check and walked out into the cold air. Winter was on it's way up here, the first frosts had already patterned the windscreen of the truck. Taking a cloth Logan rubbed something on it then cleared the windscreen, lifting the bonnet he checked the engine. Seeming pleased he returned to the back of the truck, pulling out the reserve fuel he filled the tank. Holding out his hand for the keys Marie just handed them over to him, climbing in on the passenger side and locking herself in. If he wanted to drive he had things to say; words we're easier when you were moving, you left them behind you as you went. They didn't stay with you they became part of the journey instead, mapped out on a road you could return to if you wanted.
Half an hour into travelling he began, the words flowing slowly at first. "I remember more than everyone thinks I do." She didn't interrupt him, she just kept her gaze nuetral as she looked out of the windscreen, it was her naked hand that crept to his thigh that told him she was listening. "I've been alive longer than that bastard in New York, no exact dates but I've seen the first telegraph wires go up." Marie's mind searched for the date in her head, if he meant eastern Canada that'd be the 1870's, later if it was further in.
"There's a big blank afterward but I remember fighting in the trenches, that was something I wish I could forget. Seein' so many men die so uselessly, then the influenza came. Whole platoon died, I didn't, I just got lost for a while, killin', doing what I did best. Didn't come back to America until the early thirties, got another blank there until the lab. Until they made me into this," he flexed his hand and the blades slid free to shine in the light of the cab. "What I used before these I don't really remember but it feels natural to use them no matter what they're made of. So who knows?" Her hand gripped his thigh and squeezed gently, telling him it was okay to talk to her, to pour this out of himself.
"You know all the time I was out there I never heard the word 'Mutant', even in the trenches it was as if I was a blessing, a token from God telling them that if someone survived then what they'd done there would never be forgotten. Their names would live on in someone's memory, their sacrifice would be remembered." He risked a look at her but only saw her staring out at the road ahead, her eyes seeing the middle distance, not the road ahead of them. Putting the claws away he took the steering wheel in both hands, what he had to say next would be the test for them.
"Xavier sent me out, he sent me to kill those who would harm the human/mutant relations he had going. It wasn't always human's Marie, sometimes it was mutants, kids who'd just manifested. Kids whose powers were too extreme to contain, or couldn't be controlled." He saw her head turn to look at him her face a mask of hate and his heart dropped through the floor. Her voice cutting into the cold that had surrounded him.
"Fucker! That bastard, how could he?" He sensed her body ratching up her anger, her skin flushing in anger and rage. She met his gaze and he slowed the truck, gently stopping it as if he expected her to let go of him and just walk away from him. Marie's eyes were filled with anger but her hand was gripping his leg tight. "How many?" He cocked his head to one side trying to understand her question, "How many kids and what ages?" He had to look away, he didn't want to see her eyes deaden as the words entered her mind.
"Too many, over the last year, six; none older than fifteen." She forced him to look at her by grabbing his collar, seeing the pain he'd hidden from her, the things he'd done at the will of Xavier.
"Why?" He looked puzzled at her, was she asking him why he'd done it or why Xavier had sent him out after the kids. Seeing his confusion she clarified her question, "Why did he send you to them? What were their powers, what made them so dangerous?" He tried to remember what their powers were, but he couldn't remember all of them. What he did remember he told her and he watched her mind quickly put the information together.
Something was filling her mind, something she hoped she was wrong about, the places he'd been sent to had been where the Brotherhood had been active. She saw the reports, one of her jobs had been to map their progress across state borders. Logan had been sent out to kill potential recruits, children who wouldn't buy into Xaviers way of thinking. Children who wouldn't be controlled, one of them had sounded a lot like her, a boy who could drain life force but he did it as he breathed. He took from everything around him, creating desolation, crumbling and aging things as he passed. If Erik or Mystique had gotten hold of him...suddenly her stomach felt too full. Breathing through her mouth she removed her hand from Logan's thigh, sensing the change in scent she snapped her head round to see him closing down on her. "Logan Ah'm not mad at you, or Wolverine. Ah just think we've been playing in a chess game, one between Erik and Xavier, usin' us an' anyone else they get their hands on as pawns."
Sitting there in the cooling truck she outlined her thoughts to him, put dates and information together for him. Things *he* didn't know, Xavier had kept him busy and what time he did spend at the school he'd spent with her. Giving him some respite from his 'jobs', giving her to him, a reward for being a good lap dog. When they'd finished Logan was finally clued in, they had ideas, they could be paranoid, they could be way off base but he doubted it. It didn't help him to think about the innocent lives he'd taken in the name of the game, they were playing in. But one thing was for certain, the rules had just changed.
Looking at Marie's pale face her bare hands tucked between her legs he knew that he should take her directly to the place he was heading for instead of wandering. Time was important now, and she needed to learn and learn fast. Turning the key in the ignition he pointed the truck south and they headed out. Marie turned to look at him, her face ash grey, "We're not goin' back are we?!" He gave her a reassuring smile, a real one from his soul, shaking his head as he spoke to her.
"Nah, we're goin' home. My home, somewhere 'Wheels' don't know. It's hard goin and winter ain't far off so you'll have to suck it up for a while." Relief flooded her body and she uncurled a little, putting her bare hand back on his thigh. "Get some rest, I'll need you to take over soon enough." Nodding she rested her head on his shoulder taking in the warm scent of him. Things weren't right yet but they had a chance now, Logan knew more than he thought he did. It would take a while to get all the information together but it would be worthwhile, afterward they'd be armed to what Xavier wanted from them both. Letting sleep take her she drifted off again, this time happy to be in the warmth with the solid bulk of Logan. Tomorrow would have enough to deal with.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Marie gets her game face on and Logan realises his mistakes with her.