Her dreams were quite normal to start with, then the darkness crept into them. Her usual relaxing dream of summers long gone would be filled with grinning idiots calling her a 'freak' and 'skunk head'. Driving her toward the pit of bitterness and anger that was seething under her skin. They usually ended the same, her sinking her claws into their bodies, tearing them apart as she listened to their screams. Her mind enjoying the feeling, the power that came from the destruction of anothers life, to really *feel* alive when she was killing someone else.
She woke twitchy on those days, her hands ached with tension, her moods waspish and snappy. Logan seemed to enjoy those days, he'd torment her on purpose, pushing her until she snapped and walked away from him. Her silence eating her up inside, the inner frustration tearing her apart. She wanted to hurt him, make him pay for the inuslts, the cold shoulders, the looks of condescension sitting on her skin making her feel less than what she was.
He'd been mollicoddling her for a week, letting her get away with things he hadn't before, the snow outside was being added to daily and that didn't help her frustration either. She wanted to go out in it, lose herself in the emptiness, let the huge blankness fill her skin until there was nothing else.
She snapped when he'd been about to feed her, he didn't let her cook anymore or let her near the wood pile. His gaze was filled with care and understanding but it just drove her insane, she *had* to get out and if it meant going through him she'd do it.
"Here kid, get this down you, the weathers beginning to break. Maybe we'll get a clear spot for the new year, what do you think?" Her hands were clenched by her sides, the bone blades already straining at the skin under her knuckles. When the significance of the words hit her she just felt all the anger drip away, lost to the hollowness of depression. Logan noticed her face, the sudden loss of life in her eye and he put the food down next to her and crouched in front of her. "Kid, you okay?" His hands on her shoulders felt real, but she didn't know what was real or not anymore.
A stifled giggle erupted out of her, "Ah missed Christmas, it went past an ah never even noticed." Her head dropped as she felt her world shift, she'd been reduced to an animal, just existing from day to day. Inside her mind she felt Logan's presence bristle at her words, she *was* an animal, she'd *always* been an animal.
He threw up images of them together, the sex primal, needy, the hunger in her was obvious to him. Her drives and needs pulling her along, taking her back to who she *was* not what she'd been *made*. No matter how bad their days had been she'd always reached out to him first, her need for his touch on her skin was too great to be denied. She took what she needed from him and he gave it willingly, even when he became feral with her she was safe under him. She mirrored him, her own animal was being brought to the surface and it was that she was fighting against. Her true nature, the truth of herself, that she wasn't a helpless girl, needing rescue. She could fight for her life if she had to, she was capable of *killing* all she had to do was accept it.
As if the sun had broken through a bank of cloud she found the truth staring at her. All the choices she'd made, all the things she'd regretted, had been thought about, she'd *reasoned* them, she'd put others before herself. Put her own needs last, doing what was best for her family, her friends, those around her were more important in her mind than herself. Even her choice to join the X-Men had been something she'd reasoned, that they needed her and she *owed* Xavier for his help when she'd needed a place to live.
Logan held her close to him, his head resting on her hair, hands keeping her warmth next to his, a soft rumbling purr going through them both. Comfort, comfort in sound and touch, in being close to someone who'd never push her away. Never hurt her purposely, never crush her spirit with words or ideas of what she *should* be, Logan accepted her as she 'was'. Even like this, a basket case with no hope left in her.
Marie squashed that feeling even before it took root, no she wasn't going to sit here and let everyone take her apart. She had to fight for her life, the one she wanted, Xavier may have let them leave but he hadn't let them go. He still wanted his soldiers, he still needed those who were 'problematic' to disappear quietly and as long as he was alive and doing this to them they'd be running forever. Always looking behind them, never sure of themselves, never free.
Free.
The word seemed to lift her soul, the Logan in her head warmed to the word, he knew what it meant, what it truly meant. To be what you were, to make no apologies for it, to embrace it, to *live* with it and never give it over for someone or something else. Logan had given her the chance to do this, to be what she was, out from the images others gave her everyday.
The dutiful pupil, the soldier fighting against the tide of hatred, the friend who listened to stories of love and loss that would never touch her own life because they were too scared to even approach her. All of this was in her head, in her soul and she had to shed it all, even her parents ambitions for her. To be married in white, a good husband with a decent job, all of those dreams had been shattered the day her mutation had manifested. They'd tried to comfort her but she'd seen the shame in their eyes, that it was her fault their dreams had been destroyed. Not that they could've built new ones with her in mind, no they'd just turned their back on her until she'd had no choice but to leave or die.
She'd left, even then she'd been putting others desires above her own, if they'd loved her she'd have been worth the fight. But in the end they hadn't been thinking about her, they'd been thinking about themselves, about what others would think about them if she stayed. So they pulled away slowly from her, a look here, a word there, a table place missing at dinner. It didn't take much to move her out of their life and she'd made it so easy for them by taking the blame for something she'd inherited *from* them.
Her blood cooled as the realisation went through her, she'd been *born* this way, there was nothing to apologise for. She'd been a pariah because of her genetics something she could do nothing about, just like Logan couldn't change his metal skeleton. He'd been given it, taken by men who wanted to use him, turn him into a killer. But he'd survived, taken the thing they'd made him into and turned it against those who would control him. Even Xavier was in that catagory now, along with his plans and plots against the human world. The biggest mistake he could've ever make was giving her to him, now Logan had someone to link him to the world. Someone to anchor him, to give him hope, he had something to lose now and he'd fight tooth and nail to keep her alive; just as she would him.
Moving her head so Logan had to look at her she noticed the concern in him, the softness he had when she was so close to his skin. "Logan, do you know me, the real me?" He didn't answer her straight away, his gaze softened further and he shifted her in his grip so she across his lap; her head resting on his shoulder. Her nose taking in his scent, learning to read him by it's nuances.
"Yeah kid I do, ever since I saw you in the hallway at Xaviers place. I saw you, the real you under everything you were struggling under. How much you wanted to fit in there, how much you needed to belong." He sighed and she caught a whiff of sadness as he continued, "When things went south and we had to get you back, I didn't know what to make of you then. You fought so hard against them but when we came you gave up, as if you had to stop, as if you had to be weak, someone worthy of rescue." The words stung her,he was right, when Sabertooth had snagged her from the grounds she'd had to fight. She'd struggled, fought, bit and punched, only when she'd heard the sound of others coming did she give in. Letting herself be taken away, when Scott and Jean had stopped Mystique from helping Sabertooth, Logan had been fighting for her. She'd closed her eyes to the sound of claws sinking into flesh but she'd still been pushing out anger. Not knowing Logan would've been scenting her, knowing from her scent that she'd been fighting to be free but when they'd gotten to her she'd been still.
She'd played the victim, she'd been what they'd expected her to be, only Logan and Xavier had known what she was inside. What she hid and kept under wraps,the fight she had in her, the darkness that shifted under her dark brown eyes. Deep enough to drown a man in, dark enough to shade the world, bitter enough to salt the sea a thousand times over.
At Xaviers she wasn't being helped, she was being trained, given the right responses, the right feedback she did everything expected of her. Xavier had given her to Logan already, he'd planned it, made her feel less than welcome. Telling her how careful she had to be, that her skin wasn't controllable, that she would *never* have what everyone else had. A bitterness filled her mouth at that, that Xavier wanted her to suffer alone, to never know the touch of a man. A bitter weapon, able to destroy anyone or anything he pointed her at, to drain them dry, to take everything she could the only way she could. Hate burned warm in her chest, she'd get the bastard back for this. She'd peel him with her claws, take his perfect world apart, reveal his deceit to those who loved him without thought. To show them his control over them, to bare it to their gaze, yet she knew some would never believe her, never trust what they could see for themselves. She didn't at first, it had been Logan who'd opened her eyes to his methods, that he sacrificed her life at the mansion so he could use her as a weapon. Using Logan's love for her against them, planting the image of her the innocent victim again in their minds.
As if he could see into her mind he whispered into her hair a his hands soothed her twitching muscles, "We'll get him Marie, we'll kill him, take everything he loves apart. You'll have to trust me Marie, because we need to take the rest of them down first, kill, detain, whatever it takes to make them see the truth. But we start with Jean, his little golden girl, she's the weak point, she's the one that'll make the difference. We get her doubting, she'll project that to everyone else, make the boy scout doubt her commitment to the whole thing. Your old crew," she looked up into his eyes, seeing the light of confidence in them, he trusted her to be able to do this herself. "They're yours, you do what you think's best. You know em better than I do, always kept myself out of that lot." She nodded into his shoulder, he had kept a distance between them and him, only her he'd let in to his presence. Only with her had he been apporachable and now she knew why, he'd found himself in her, a mirror reflection. Together they made a whole, and they'd bring down the lies that had built the house of Xavier.
Snuggling into his chest Marie let herself settle on the decisions she was making, to be what she was, to be honest about herself, to live as she *was*. To accept it was easier than fighting to be what everyone else wanted her to be, all it would take was a little time. Smiling to herself she looked out at the cold world, the fire nearby heating her and Logan wrapped up in each other. So what if she'd missed Christmas, she'd gotten herself back, along with Logan that was the best present she could ever have wished for. "Merry Christmas Logan, ah love ya, ya know, all of ya." She felt his grin as his heart sped up a little in his chest and his scent deepened.
"Yeah I know, Marie I know. You'll get through this, *we'll* get through this." He kissed the top of her head and she felt the warmth spread through her as the sensation faded on her head. "I've always loved you, since the day I saw you in the hallway. You were mine whether Xavier gave you to me or not, I wanted you the moment I saw you." He smelled her tears but it didn't worry him, they weren't from sorrow, they were from joy. Smiling he raised his head to see the first star shine out over the snow field, they'd make it, she'd got this far, the rest would be a learning curve, slow but steep.
Spring couldn't come fast enough.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Marie has to do some reaching past her image of herself, what she's been taught and shown to what she *really* is. Logan begins to tell her his plans about Xavier and how they'll do it.