Virus
SacredMacha
Notmysight @ aol.com
Okay, so it was no big secret that the big blue doctor and I didn't exactly hit it off the first time we met. Or the second.. or heck, even the third. Even Marie got on my case about it, because she didn't understand why I was being a jerk to the guy, calling him furball, teasing him about his glasses he wears to read, you know.. the tendency to wear tweed and a shirt and tie. I mean come on, the guy is big, blue, and furry, and looks at Brooks Brothers catalogues.
See, that was the problem. Hank looks like an animal, a big, blue, frightening animal... but he's a teddy bear. He's got fangs and claws and animal instincts... but he's into classical music, showtunes, cartoons, and medical journals. He looks like he should be ripping your appendix out, not making sure you don't have appendicitis. Something about it bothered me, rattled around in the back of my head, and made me call him furball, or pretend he had a spot on his tie. The little things that drove him nuts, but he never lashed out at me, never growled or bared his fangs. He would just sigh in that patient parent way of his, and go about whatever brainiac thing he'd been up to before we crossed paths.
Marie would blast me, or punch me in the shoulder, and apologize to him for me. He would just always look at her over the lenses of his glasses, and thank her very sweetly, but tell her it was not necessary for her to apologize. Which only made her try to prod me into apologizing myself. Which, in case you had missed something, wasn't going to happen. I'm the Wolverine, damnit, and they don't make them more stubborn than I am. Not even when she would sweet talk me later, nuzzling my ear, and tell me how much it would mean to her if I apologized to him. How he'd been so understanding of her, defending her place as an X-man to Ororo after she took the cure. He'd asked her about it, let her tell him how everything felt, how freed she'd been, and even the little times she missed her lethal skin. Mean little Marie, trying to use sex to get me to apologize. Still didn't work.
Then Marie's skin turned itself back on, somehow, foiling what she'd thought had been a permanent cure. It wasn't me she ran to, it was Beast. Which didn't sit too well with me, but after she told me he was running tests to see what had happened, I thought I understood. She hadn't wanted me to worry, and she was afraid that it would ruin our relationship. You'd think the woman would know better by now. But apparently not, because she had come to our room and packed up some of her stuff,trying not to cry. Told me she was staying down in the medlab so Beast could run his tests as quickly as possible, to try and find a way to get around her skin again.
This little piece of drama struck, just as kids were starting to come down with some sort of virus. So soon not only was Marie down there to be tested, she was helping the doc with the eight or nine kids that were being quarantined, trying to keep the virus from spreading to the other kids. She'd helped down there before all this, so it just worked out for everyone... except me, deprived of my Marie to curl up to at night.
Still, trying to be her good guy, I was bringing down a stack of Dvds she'd asked me to go rent. Stuff to keep the kids amused, because like any kids, they were going stir crazy, whining about being bored, and just being brats in general. Marie's told me it's different when you don't have super sensitive hearing and hate the whining. Of course, Beast has sensitive ears, and manages. Yes, she pointed that out too.
So, as I clear the stairwell, that stack of rentals in one hand, I was a little surprised to hear music coming from the medlab. It wasn't classical, or showtunes, either. It wasn't even Elvis, which one would occasionally hear hank sing along with. So instead of just walking in, dropping off my delivery, stealing a kiss from Marie, and running off, I was sneaking my way up to the doors.
There was Beast, Mister former Diplomat, well known intellectual, medical doctor, whirling around in his white lab coat, tie flung over one shoulder. Singing. Singing loudly, with much gusto, and gyrations. Look, I know the guy's not in bad shape.. but the hip swivels... exaggerated hip swivels and arms thrust overhead. Bare, blue, furry feet, padding over the floors I know are pretty cold. But his every moment was larger than life, like he was on stage and had to be seen from the backmost rows. Because, you know, a big blue guy is sooooo hard to miss. Even the song he was singing had brainy references in it...
~~Hey
Everyone, listen up
Your attention, if you please
We wanna give you a warning
'Cause I found out this morning
'Bout a dangerous, insidious computer virus
If you should get any mail with the subject "Stinky Cheese"
Better not go taking your chances
Under no circumstances
Should you open it or else it will...
Translate your documents into Swahili
Make your TV record Gigli
Neuter your pets
And give your laundry static cling~~
I leaned against the wall, just taking it in. Wondering if half the kids knew what Swahili was, but his little audience were all giggling at his overblown gestures. The frowns, the terrified hands over his face... I couldn't help but shake my head, watching the resident genius making a goofball out of himself.
~~Look out) It's gonna make your computer screen freeze
(Look out) Erase the Easter Eggs off your DVDs
(Look out) Erase your hard drive and your backups too
And the hard drive of anyone related to you
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls
It'll make your keyboard all sticky
Give your poodle a hickey
And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney
Then it will tie up your phone making crank long distance calls
It'll set your clocks back an hour
And start hogging the shower
So just trash it now, or else it will...
Decide to give you a permanent wedgie
Legally change your name to Reggie
Even mess up the pH balance in your pool~~
Oh my god.... Now he was doing a skipping sort of jumping rope looking dance.. then.. the cabbage patch? I remember watching Marie teaching a bunch of the younger kids all the old, silly named dances... I hadn't even KNOWN Beast knew the running man! I thought he was a doctor, not a dancing machine. But honestly, even doing this as mockingly as he was to amuse his captive audience, you had to be impressed by the fact the guy could sing.. and dance, and ham it all up. His dignity apparently was off duty for the time being.
~~(Look out) It's gonna melt your face right off your skull
(Look out) And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull
(Look out) And tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep
(Look out) And make you physically attracted to sheep
(Look out) Steal your identity and your credit cards
(Look out) Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
(Look out) Then cause a major rift in time and space
And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place~~
I know those kids have no earthly idea who Jethro Tull is, heck I wish I didn't, but from their shrieks of laughing terror, the face he made at that mention of the band must have truly conveyed the horrifying truth about that band. The idea of Hank in a pink leotard was enough to make me give a huff of a chuckle, and I admit I smirked at the mention of a rift in time and space, that was pure Hank voice there, and then he was tossing twinkies, and empty twinkie wrappers in the air with that part of the song. Which had it's irony, as Ororo is constantly harrassing him about his twinkie habit and the trail of wrappers he can leave when his mind wanders. But I was digressing in my thoughts.... I should focus on the entertainment...
~~That's right, it's a...
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born
So, before it e-mails your grandmother all of your porn
Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down
Drop it in a forty three foot hole in the ground
Bury it completely, rocks and boulders should be fine
Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were online
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
What are you waiting for?
Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know
Hit... "send"... right... now~~
Beast was whispering the part about grandmothers and porn, but the kids were in gales of giggles, little slippered feet kicking in the air already. Then he was mocking up digging a huge hole and dropping a computer in, to bury it. Then it was back to a sort of disco dancing, one arm moving in and out ala Saturday Night Fever. Waggling finger, butt shaking, and then for the big finish, he was on his knees, hands up in the air as if to plead with them.
The kids ate it up. I was wondering what sort of pills he'd been helping himself to, myself, because this was the guy who wore tweed and used perfect grammar, in several languages, I'm sure. I started to walk in, knowing he'd feel a bit off at being caught out at this by the hardass of the place.. when I saw Marie's face. Pink from laughter, dark eyes alight with amusement and friendly affection. Gloved hands applauding him and his efforts, whistling and cheering with the rest of the kids. Since her skin had acted up, I hadn't seen her glow that way, and I understood. He'd humiliated himself, to give a bunch of sick kids and my girl, all of whom had reason to be miserable and unhappy, something stupid to laugh at.
I figured out my problem. Hank looked like an animal, was even called Beast, could never hide in a crowd of humans, and he's the most human, most giving, of all of us. I look like a human, can pass in a crowd... but I wrestle with the inner beast that I can't seem to beat. I'd been beating up on the guy for being at peace with the part of him I couldn't call a truce with inside myself.
So, when I walked into the room fully, I didn't avoid him, or make some smart remark on my way to Marie. Just waited for him to straighten his tie and push his glasses back into place, before I handed him the stack of rentals.
"Marie sent me for some movies... not that it looks like you need them for this crowd. " I could feel Marie's eyes already going to a daggered glare. " Anything else I can do to help, just let me know, ...Hank." Took me a minute to not call him furball or Beast, but I managed. I even saw the second it took him to take in the change in how I was addressing him, and my tone. A brilliant, fang filled smile.
"You know, Logan, there's a song on this cd I think might be perfect for you. I can get you the lyrics, if you like. " Oh, he was up to something. But I owed him, for making my girl feel understood, for wanting to help her even when some people might have felt her losing the cure was her due. "It's called Canadian Idiot." He was holding out a sheet of paper to me. I took it with a snap of my wrist, cocking a brow at him. The grin dimmed a bit, fingers rumpled up his tie.
"Fine. I guess I'll be tomorrow's afternoon show." Turning to storm out of there before I let my guilt and his good nature wrangle more out of me. I could hear Marie's voice as I moved for the stairs.
"Did Logan just say he was gonna sing tomorra? He's gonna do a Weird Al song?!?!" Her tone was pure disbelief. Can't say I blame her, I can't believe it. I just promised to sing, dance, and ham around for a bunch of sick kids, my girl, and Hank.
God help me.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I blame too much cold medicine and Weird Al music.
Disclaimer - I own nothing. Song lyrics are "Virus Alert" by Weird Al.
Sorry it's not foof. I tried!
Disclaimer - I own nothing. Song lyrics are "Virus Alert" by Weird Al.
Sorry it's not foof. I tried!