We drive until sun is rising before we find a motel and check in. We don’t have much money, but I’m sure we find a way to make some more. Logan pays for a day only, and manager behind the counter flashes him a knowing smirk. Logan narrows his eyes but doesn’t say anything, just grabs my hand and guides me out from the office.
He hasn’t spoken to me after he asked if we were still okay. That was three hours ago. Silence between us isn’t unusual, but now there’s something unnerving with the way he sits on the edge of the bed shoulders hunched, and keeps staring at the tips of his boots. He looks like he’s ready to explode at any given second. After five minutes I can’t take it anymore. I start to rifle through the backpack Jean packed for us, to get something to do before I start to scream.
“What did I do?” His voice is so quiet that his question just barely registers.
“We made love. Xavier and Ororo didn’t think it was a good idea.”
“We? You volunteered? I didn’t force you?” Logan asks and it just about breaks my heart. Is that what he has been thinking all this time? That he raped me?
“You didn’t make me do anything. I wanted it. It was good. And now I can touch you.”
“Figures. Finally something nice happens, and I can’t remember it. Fucking story of my life… Are you pregnant?”
“No. I’m on the pill.” Relief flickers over Logan’s features.
“Thank God for that…” He sighs.
“Not that I would mind, but I don’t think you’re old enough. You should have time to live a little before having kids,” he adds.
“And there’s this whole ‘on the road with Harley’ –theme going on…” I smirk.
“That there is… Come here,” Logan smiles a little and opens his arms. I shrug off my cloak and cuddle against his chest.
“You said it was good. You liked it?” Logan asks, his hands around me, fingers trailing lazy patterns to my back.
“I liked it a lot.” What’s there not to like?
“Was I your first?” Uhh…
“Technically… I have…” This is embarrassing. Very embarrassing.
“I have a vibrator,” I mumble against his chest. I’m blushing. Somebody put me out of my misery. Now. Logan chuckles.
“Good. I didn’t… I didn’t hurt you?” He asks with more serious tone.
“No! Not at all. Well, it maybe hurt a little when we… No. It didn’t hurt.”
“Hurt a little? What did I do?” Me and my big mouth. He’s tensing again, pushing me up to see my face.
“What did I do, Marie?” There’s a panicky look on his face.
“After we got to your room from the roof I wanted to try how it would feel from behind.” Please. Take the hint. Take the hint. No. Why the fuck does he have to be so dense?
“I wanted to try anal, okay! It hurt a bit at first, but then it felt real good!” There. I’m a perv.
“Jesus Christ! We have to find a way to get rid of Xavier’s blocks. Sounds like I have forgotten the best lay of my life…” Logan murmurs and cups my cheeks between his large palms.
I have to kiss her. There’s no way I can keep my hands, lips, or any other part of me away from her now. She’s embarrassed, but she’s getting aroused already, just from speaking with me and remembering all those things we did and I can’t remember.
“Logan, I…”
“Hush.” We have spoken enough for now. It’s time to make some new memories. Who knows, maybe this will jolt back the old ones, too…
“Let’s go and see if there’s hot water…” Better move this to bathroom, because I fucking reek. There really wasn’t a chance to get washed up in the DR.
“Bath or shower?” And what the heck? What got in to her now? She was aboard with this just few seconds ago, tearing off her clothes, and now she’s just standing there. She’s afraid. Afraid of me. What the hell is going on?
“Marie? What is it?”
“Nothing. It’s nothing. I just… I had a shower already, before I came to get you. I think I’ll pass. It takes so long to get my hair dry after and…”
“Don’t lie to me.” Because that doesn’t suit you well. Fuck. Now she’s really scared. Hands trembling, chewing her lower lip, eyes darting between that bathtub and me.
“Oh, God… Logan… I know you like it like that sometimes, but I don’t think I would like it that much. At first I thought I would, but I don’t think it would be a good idea…” Huh?
“Can you be a little more specific? Because I don’t have a clue about what you’re talking about.”
“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to get hurt.”
Jesus. Titanic just met the iceberg. Now would be the perfect time to close the door to the bathroom and put on some clothes. I think I saw some cigars in the backpack when Marie was digging through it earlier. Yeah. Thanks, Jean.
“Sit. I’ll be back as soon as I have figured out what to say.” I point to the bed, and she sits on it, fiddling with her fingers, her gaze locked to the floor. And she’s so fucking scared that if I don’t get out of here soon, I’m going to gag.
Oh, God. He just left. He said he was coming back, as soon as he had something to say to me. Which could be in two minutes, or in twenty years. I think he might be still outside. I can smell the scent of his cigar. I haven’t heard his bike. Yeah. I think he’s still out there.
I want him. What red-blooded living female wouldn’t want him? But I don’t want him like that. I was excited when I saw him, all bloodied and caressing himself, but I don’t think I could be a part of that.
I wonder if those memory blocks Xavier put in his mind have something to do with this. Earlier, when we were up on the roof, and in his room, he was… He was passionate, but he was gentle. Careful not to hurt me. It was a good thing. He isn’t a small man, and it could have hurt if he hadn’t been so patient and thorough. And now he wants us to…
What if he’s angry? What if he got angry because I said no? I wanted it first. Hell, I was as eager as he was. Then suddenly cold shower. Firm no. What if he wants me only like that? Could I learn to like it?
Oh, God. He’s coming back…
“What made you think that I would hurt you?” That’s the first thing that we have to get cleared up. Because before I had the great idea to have some fun in the shower she was turned on. And as soon as her feet hit the bathroom floor she turned off. Like a fucking light bulb. On, off.
“I saw you. Earlier when you were… Umm… When you… Before you came in to the kitchen. I was going to get some ice cream. I heard a noise, and thought that you were having a nightmare. I was just going to check if I heard right so that I could go and wake up Jean. Then later I saw you in the DR with Sabretooth. I was… It looked… At first it looked…”
“You saw me. That much I got out of that explanation. What was I doing?” Because she has to be able to say it. Has to be. It’s a part of me. Something I do.
“I don’t fucking know what it was! You were jerking off and cutting yourself! Then later you let Sabretooth beat you up and got off from it!” Now, there’s a memory I wouldn’t mind if I lost it for good.
“You thought I wanted that from you?”
“Didn’t you?”
“No. You weren’t even supposed to know about it. Shit… I’m fucked up from the head. That shouldn’t be any news to you. Sometimes I need that. Need to gain back control. That way I can have it back. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to hurt me.”
She’s crying. We have about two hours left from our reservation to this room and I still haven’t gotten that shower. I really, really could use it, but there’s no way I could get up from this floor now. She’s plastered all over me and crying and my shirt is soaked with tears and snot, but she needs this. She doesn’t smell scared anymore. Just relieved.
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