Everybody thinks they know what broke Logan. What made him the man he is now. Retreated, angry and bitter. Stalking along the corridors at night, muttering to himself, cursing silently, and constantly searching something that isn’t there. There are clear moments. Suddenly he stops and straightens his back, tilts his head, and one can almost see Wolverine, the man he once were. Ready and poised, expecting something, anything to happen. Then the moment is gone. His shoulders sag, head droops forward and he returns pacing and muttering.
*I have to keep them safe. Fucking nobody seems to realize how important it is to make sure that the windows and doors are locked. That there are no uninvited guests lurking around after curfew. I know how they look at me. I have seen the looks I get. Some of them curious, most filled with pity. They do not understand. We failed that night. Betrayed every fucking promise we had made for those kids. Had I been more alert, had other teachers been in here, outcome of that night could have been quite different.*
I follow him in the shadows. Not once has he acknowledged my presence, but I know he knows I’m there. He has to. He knows my scent. Knows the sound of my feet as they hit the carpet. There are nights I would like to go to him. Go to him and force him to stop and look at me. To see me and talk to me. But I know it’s useless. Even if I did that, stepped right in front of him, he would just walk past me like I was nothing more than a thin air. Sometimes it makes me angry. More often it makes me sad. Most of the times it makes me grateful, because I know the truth.
*If it were just the kids, it would be understandable. They’re more flexible and prone to forget than adults. And most of the kids today weren’t even here that night. Those kids have almost all graduated already. Like I said, if it were just kids passing on a rumor about my alleged breakdown, I would understand it. What I can’t… Won’t understand is that teachers like Summers, Xavier and Munroe treat me as if I’m somehow mentally challenged.*
He doesn’t sleep anymore, not before it’s absolutely necessary. He spends his nights prowling around in the sleeping mansion, muttering under his breath, eyes darting back and forth. Searching, observing. During days he sits in his room, on a chair near the window. Curtains are always closed, but there is a small gap between them. Thin sliver of sunlight falls to his worn boots. He just sits there and stares at that golden strip, rocking back and forth. Waiting for it to disappear so that he can get up and leave.
*I just want to make sure everything is okay, that everybody is safe before I go to bed. I can’t sleep if I don’t know if the doors and windows are bolted. I can’t sleep if I don’t know if there’s somebody prowling through the corridors. I can’t sleep before everything’s all right. If that means double-checking locks and latches, going through every nook and cranny, checking in to rooms to see if everybody is home, safe and secure, I’ll do it. I don’t get that much sleep, but it’s okay. I can live with that. I’ll take that little stupor the lack of sleep gives me every day, rather than face the nightmares about Stryker carting these kids to his lab.*
I can hear people whispering about him when I collect our meal from the food line. Hushed voices, rumors and blatant lies. They should know better. But they think they know. They think they know the truth.
*They think that I don’t notice how somebody is constantly following me around, like some fucking shadow. Especially when I’m around the kids. Watching me like a hawk. Like I could harm those little critters. I would fucking chew my arm off more easily than hurt any of them. Well, what could you expect from a bunch of people who think I’m so stupid that I would fall on to their little traps they try to set me up. Slipping sedatives to my food or trying to lock me up at night.*
I have given up the pretence long time ago. I don’t even stay downstairs to eat my meals. I take them to his room. It’s an effort to make him to eat. Usually he just sits there, rocking back and forth, faraway look in his eyes while I eat, then I have to feed him. He takes the food I offer if he’s hungry. He rarely is anymore. It feels like he’s slowly retreating from the real world.
*They tell me that I’m scaring the kids. Well, better to be scared than dead. It’s our responsibility to take care of them, to make sure they’re all right, and now it’s starting to look like I’m the only one who still remembers what happened when we slipped. All it took was one fucking night. One night, and Stryker was all over the place. Hadn’t it been the Tin man and couple of other older kids, there would be no Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters anymore. Stryker would have taken all the kids. All. And that’s not acceptable. Had there been even one kid that bastard managed to spoil, and that would have been a complete failure.*
Sometimes when I go to him, he has fallen asleep. It seems to be the only moment he’s completely still. Every muscle lax, breathing shallow and even. First time I saw him like that I thought he was dead. It would have been a relief. He looked so peaceful and relaxed, at ease with himself for the first time in two years. I could only stand there and stare at him, afraid to breathe or move. I still don’t know what gave me up, what alerted him, but his eyes fluttered open. For a moment he looked like he was going to say something, but instead he just shook his head and sat still.
*To even think about what could have happened that night makes me sick. We came so close to loose everything. I came so fucking close to loose everything. If it hadn’t been Marie, outcome would probably have been quite different. She, Bobby and John were the ones that pulled me out of there. Without them I would have stayed and faced Stryker. That would have been the end of me. End of everything I had thought I could have.*
He’s not a burden to me. Far from it. But there are those moments I told about. Clear moments. When he can pull his act together long enough to take a good look around him. Just before his concentration breaks disgusted grimace crosses his face. At that moment he’s perfectly aware of what he’s become, and I don’t think he likes it.
*Marie. She comes to see me every day. She’s not like the others. I would like to talk with her sometimes. Ask her how she’s doing, but I can’t. I have to keep it all locked up, inside. I can’t afford to make any more mistakes. I can’t afford to break my concentration. It’s hard enough to stay alert during days, when there are so many voices around. Kids scurrying back and forth, going classes or back to their rooms, people shouting and laughing outside. Cars passing. I have to keep listening so that I can tell the owner of each and every one of those voices.*
He once promised me to take care of me. It was long time ago, but I don’t think he has forgotten that promise. He has just extended that promise a little. He is taking care of us all now, for the best of his abilities. It’s his duty. Has been ever since Stryker invaded the mansion.
*It’s easier at night. Not so much noise. But there are plenty of places to hide. Dark corners, closets and unused classrooms. I have to stay alert. It’s getting harder to stay awake, but I don’t have time to sleep. Last time I made that mistake. Let myself believe that everything was okay. If I hadn’t gotten to bed that night at all, I would have been ready long time before Stryker’s team had even landed. Would have gotten those kids out faster. I know I could have gotten all of them out before Stryker captured them if I had stayed sharp enough.
We already lost enough those days. Those kids lost a piece of their childhood, Scott lost Jean… Too much. Unacceptable losses. I’m not planning to let it happen again. They can try, but I’ll be ready. Ready and waiting. There will be hell to pay for the next person who’s going to try to lay their hands on these people.*
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Answer to Valeria's Rogan Challenge. I chose "Heavy Duty". Once again the raid of the mansion in X-2. I should either lock up that DVD or start skipping the raid-scene.