“I have no use for these.” Six small words. He had read them over and over again, holding the ring and pendant in his hand. Now all three of them, jewelry and the note were tucked in his breast pocket, along with a small faded picture of her. They served two purposes. They had become a talisman to him, a reminder of what happened when you dared to care. And they helped a bit when pain got too much, and temptation to return made his feet itch. All he needed to do was to feel their weight against his heart, and he knew he couldn’t go back.
Everybody blamed her. Nobody said it out loud, but she could read it from their eyes. They didn’t know the details, but they knew she had something to do with his abrupt need of his own space.
“Look out, people… Who will the mansion whore strike at next?” She muttered under her breath when people scurried away from her in hallways.
“… At the worst possible time. Scott isn’t well. What was she thinking about?” She could hear Ororo’s voice from Xavier’s study. She paused in front of the door. She wanted to hear professor’s opinion.
“You know she has harbored feelings towards Logan ever since the beginning. Was it such a shock to you, that she finally gathered the courage to act upon those feelings?” As usual, man didn’t speak about the issue, only skimmed it.
“I was aware of that. But she should have known what he would do! After all, she knows him better than any of us. You don’t suppose she did it on purpose?” She had to grit her teeth to stop from barging in there. On purpose?
“What did she gain when Logan left us?” Professor was asking. She could practically hear wheels turning over in Ororo’s head.
“Her freedom. It was quite apparent Logan wasn’t willing to answer to her feelings, yet he did everything in his power to keep her close to him, away from boys of her own age. Didn’t you ever notice that?” She couldn’t listen anymore. So she got rid of Logan just so she could start dating? How self-centered Ororo thought she was?
“Freedom, my ass…” She was more confined now than she had ever been when Logan had been prowling around. At least she had had friends. Now people treated her like a horny leper. Something to avoid, because at any given minute she could latch on to them, driving them eventually away from Xavier’s. She stormed in to her room, and just stood there, in the middle of it for a moment, taking it all in. Small but tidy. Stuffed animals propped to every possible surface. Narrow bed under the window. Desk and a chair. Few closets. Door to bathroom. Behind it a small sink, shower, bathtub and a toilet seat. It all felt so meaningless. Her life had packed up and left the building, and she had a feeling it wasn’t going to come back on its own.
She shrugged out of her stupor and pulled worn duffel from her closet. Half an hour later she had gathered everything she owned. Every personal item she had purchased with her own money. All the rest she would leave behind. She would find Logan and tell him it was safe to return. Then she would move on, find her another place to live. This was the one place Logan was wanted and needed. Even loved. She had no right to take it away from him.
“Lets see… Where would you go?” She was sitting on her bed, trying to access the scraps of his memories she still had left. She had made an effort to keep them under wraps. She hadn’t wanted to pry. When he had touched her at the Statue of Liberty, he hadn’t done it so she could go poking around in his head. But now she needed information. She knew he had most likely headed somewhere north. She had to find a specific location before she went after him. No use to go running around. She wouldn’t find him that way.
She had everything she had gotten out of him neatly organized and labeled in her mind. Easier to keep things under that way. She carefully avoided grey and black areas. There were all the things he feared. Not very comforting scenery under those clouds. Past lighter colors, filled with everyday stuff that had been going on in his life when they met. She knew exactly what she was looking for. It was tucked behind all the other memories, wrapped to a tin foil. Tight little package, glittering in the back of her mind. Something she had sworn to never open. It was something she feared. She pulled it out, turning it around hesitantly. Information she needed was in there. There were lots of other things, too. Things she rather not knew about. How he felt about her, deep down in unconscious level. Information she needed was tightly interlaced with that stuff.
Cabin was exactly as he remembered. Needed little tidying up and fixing, but he could spend winter in here. He flung his backpack to the corner and stretched on the sofa, listening silent crackling from his vertebrae. He hadn’t been this wound up in ages. Even the simplest task of lying down made his muscles and joints protest audibly.
Time to die again. Stop thinking about Stryker. About his past. About Jean. About Xavier and all the others. Lock away memories of her. Hibernate until he was ready to face the world again.
He shifted a bit and pulled a tattered envelope from his pocket. Opened it and poured its contents on his stomach. Read the note again. Snorted, trying to get over it. It was no use. Those words, written with her handwriting curled around his chest. Icy chain, nearly crushing him. It hadn’t been those specific items she had returned, thrown away. It was him. She had told in no nonsense manner that she had no need for him anymore. He tried the ring on. It barely fit on his pinkie. Nausea gripped his insides, and he pulled the ring off quickly before it managed to do any irreparable harm to him. For him it was poison. For her a salvation. And she had thrown it away because of him.
It started to get cold. He could smell first signs of approaching snowfall in the wind. Good enough reason to start chopping wood. He already had storage full of dry tree trunks; all he had to do was to cut them small enough pieces to fit in the stove and fireplace. Axe needed sharpening. Easier would have been just chop them up with his claws, but he wasn’t looking for easy. He was looking for a different approach. It wouldn’t take long to sharpen that axe. It hadn’t even rusted.
It took three days from him, but now he had enough logs to keep him warm over the whole winter. For food he hadn’t given that much thought. He could hunt when he got hungry. Which wasn’t so often when he was laying low. Everything seemed to slow down for him when he came here. He was winding down. His world was winding down. He suspected it had something to do with the nature of his mutation. Basically there was an animal trapped inside of him. Living in a crowded area, surrounded by other people raised his stress level considerably. Out here he could just be. No need to watch over his back. No need to watch over anybody’s back. Speaking of which… What the fuck was making that noise?
He had been just walking around, taking in his surroundings, getting familiar with the scenery once again. All the while he had been hearing small noise. He had put it out of his mind, blocking it, but now it was getting louder. What ever it was, he was approaching it. He rounded a small cliff, and came upon an unexpected sight.
Some animal, a fox most likely had dug a large hole to the snow. There was little blood around it. That sound came from the hole. Small chirping. Almost like a small bird. He crouched and peered over the cliff.
“That can’t be comfortable… Come on. Let’s get you someplace warm…” He muttered, lifting a small, bald mouse from the hole. Only one left from the litter.
“Must be a good year for you guys when that fox could afford to leave you behind…” He tugged off his other glove and dropped the small animal in there. It reminded him a little of her. Both in need of a hero.
“And you will most likely screw me over just like she did when you grow up a little…” Or not. From the smell of things it would be a miracle, true act of God if the small critter he picked up lived past coming night. It had been too cold, too long. But at least he could make it more comfortable.
It wasn’t eating. Just lay in a small box he had put it in, breathing fast and erratic. He picked it to his palm.
“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Mouse didn’t answer, just lay there, heart fluttering and eyes closed.
“And you’re fucking scared. Scared of me. I guess I would be, too.” Almost a lie. Never lie to a dying mouse.
“I am scared of myself. Scared that I screw things up. I wasn’t built to make a nest and have a gazillion babies and white picket fence. That’s not who I am. That’s Scott. That’s Ororo. That’s many people, but not me.”
“And what makes you think I want a fucking picket fence and pop out all those gazillion babies!”
“Jesus Christ, Marie! What the fuck are you doing here?” He checked the mouse fast. Nope. Still alive. He hadn’t crushed it. Good. His heart was working double time and he could only stare at the girl standing at his doorstep. How the hell he didn’t hear her coming?
“I just came to tell you it’s okay to go home. I won’t be bothering you anymore. I’m moving out,” she said and started to turn. He noticed she had snowshoes on. No wonder he hadn’t heard any kind of engine. She had walked from the main road. And she was leaving.
“Wait…” Door closed behind her. He put the mouse back in to the box and bolted after her.
“Marie! Wait! Oh, for fucking…” She turned to look, and she had to stifle a giggle. He lay face down on a snow bank, coughing and spluttering, trying to get up. Wind had blown scenery almost bare from the powdery substance, but it had gathered around his cabin, creating a trap more efficient than a quicksand.
She managed to pull him up and they stumbled back inside.
“Wait.” She untied her snowshoes and took a seat next to the fireplace while he went hunting for a dry shirt. When he returned to her he was carrying an envelope. She recognized it immediately. The same one she had left several weeks ago to his pillow. He handed it to her.
“This belongs to you.” She forced her hand to accept his offering. She really didn’t want it, but the tone of his voice told her leaving it wasn’t an option.
“It’s… It’s just the ring. Nothing more. I don’t have any use for it. I doubt anybody but you can use it. It’s… Oh, crap.” He looked around perplexed, and then his expression grew lighter.
“Coffee? Or are you hungry? I could make us something to eat.”
“Whom were you talking to?” She asked when they waited for the stew to cook up.
“Huh?”
“Earlier, when I came in, you were talking to somebody.”
“Oh…” He reached for a small cardboard box near the fireplace.
“Marie, Meet Mort.” To his amazement mouse was still alive. Not much better than earlier, but he had to give it some credit. It didn’t give up easily.
“It’s cute.”
“Don’t get too attached. He will probably die before morning. Found him nearly frozen solid from the snow few hours ago.”
“Poor thing… It’s so small. It shouldn’t die yet,” she sighed and petted it carefully. He noticed she had slipped the ring on.
“Better this way. Would have probably eaten me out of this house before the spring…” Marie swatted him to the shoulder.
“Don’t be mean!”
“You’ll take him and raise him if he survives. We’ll see after couple months if I’m still mean,” he grinned, watching her take the mouse to her hands. It looked bigger when she was holding it.
“What was this talk about you moving out from Xavier? Has something happened?” He asked when they sat at the table, steaming pot of stew between them. She skewered a piece of meat and chewed it through thoughtfully, trying to form a coherent answer in her mind. This was a conversation she hadn’t expected. She had planned just a quick visit to let him know it was safe to go home.
“Nothing’s happened. Nothing in particular. I just found out something,” she said, taking another bite.
“You’re great cook, by the way.”
“Had to learn to cook before we met the geek squad. Lived alone.” For a while they just ate.
“What did you find out?” He asked. And that was the tricky question. No matter how she would answer, he would think of the worst, instead of taking her answer for what it truly meant.
“It’s hard to explain. I’ll try, if you promise not to run again.”
“Run? Fuck, kid… My house, my rules. If I don’t like what you say, I’ll toss you out on your sweet little ass!” She had never seen him this relaxed as he was now. At the mansion, and on the road he had been tense, constantly on the edge. Now he was smiling and even cracking jokes. She took a deep breath.
“I would like that coffee, now, if possible…”
“That bad?” Logan asked, standing slowly up and walking to the cupboard. He pulled out a bottle of whiskey.
“Was going to save this for something important. I guess this is that something…”
“I can’t drink. I’m driving…” She tried to resist when he poured generous amount of golden liquid for both of them. He barked a gruff laughter.
“You’re not driving tonight. I’m not letting you out there. It’s already dark. Forest is thick. Drink up.” Spend a night in here with him? Suddenly she felt a tingle of fear gripping the bottom of her stomach. His nostrils flared.
“Right… How bad is it?” He growled, moving away from the table, turning his back at her.
“I… I didn’t say it was bad…” She squeaked and downed half of the whiskey he had poured for her.
“Talk to me then. No matter what it is, you’ll spend at least this night in here. I won’t throw you to the wolves.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep…” She whispered. He tilted his head.
“Tell me one promise I have broken.” She couldn’t. Simply because there was none. He had made her exactly two promises. To take care of her, and not to hurt her. He had taken care of her, and he had fled when it seemed to him that he was going to hurt her.
“I’m sorry. I had to look through your memories to find out where you had gone.” He nodded.
“I would have done the same. Xavier can’t use Cerebro to me. Something in my mutation makes me hard to read for him.” She hadn’t even thought about asking help from Professor.
“I really tried to avoid all the personal stuff. I tried.” Again he nodded.
“Kind of hard to find me without using that ‘personal stuff’, isn’t it?” She snorted a nervous laughter.
“You don’t leave a trail of breadcrumbs after you when you run…”
“Huh? Breadcrumbs?”
“Just another fairytale…” His face fell upon hearing her words.
“You read entirely too much, kid. Or concentrate to a wrong kind of literature. There’s a reason why they are called fairytales.”
“I know they are not real. But it’s so easy to draw comparisons to the real life from them. After all, they are nothing more but everyday life colored a little to amuse children and scare little older children.”
“So whiskey brings out the philosopher in you?” Logan asked, taking her now empty glass and filling it again to the brim. He had barely tasted from his own.
“Stop talking! You make me miss my point!” She huffed. He made a zipping gesture over his lips and just sat there, staring at her expectantly.
“For a while after the statue I wanted to see you as my knight. As my prince, who swooped in at the last possible moment and saved me. I had a crush size of a Himalaya to you back then…” She was blushing, but he could see from her posture she wasn’t going to stop now.
“Then things changed. You left to Alkali Lake. I started going out with Bobby. I kind of forgot you. You were still in my head. I knew you were out there somewhere, and kept hoping you would return safely, but I wasn’t missing you as badly as I did for the first couple weeks. I could actually sleep without seeing you maimed or dismembered, lying in some ditch, dead or dying… There wouldn’t happen to be more of this?” She asked raising her empty glass. He poured her more.
“When you came back, it all started again. Biggest reason we broke up with Bobby was my dreams. He couldn’t take the fact that I was screaming after you every night. Well, I wouldn’t have been pleased if he was moaning after Kitty when we slept together, but back then I was angry with him. He wouldn’t believe they weren’t that kind of dreams. He actually thought we were fucking in my dreams…” Logan shifted on his seat, looking little uncomfortable.
“Uh-huh… I told you to keep quiet…” She waggled a finger at him.
“I’m not sure at what point I started to love you. I’m not going to be as corny as to tell you I loved you from the beginning. Because that simply isn’t true. When I first saw you, you beat up couple of guys and turned to a Swiss army knife. Not to talk about how you nearly abandoned me to the side of the road.” Again he shifted and opened his mouth.
“If you don’t keep that mouth shut, this conversation is over, and I will walk back to my car. And give me that!” She snatched the half empty bottle from him. She knew she was going to regret this in the morning, but she was already regretting so many things it really didn’t matter.
“It must have happened at some point after me and Bobby broke up. Probably. And it really isn’t relevant. This whole fucking story I just told you isn’t relevant. Just wanted you to know. I love you. I really do. And I want you to go back home now. They need you. You need them…” She drank straight from the bottle. Her head started to droop. He reached for the bottle and took it from her loose fingers. Put it on the table and caught her before she fell face first to the floor.
She nearly woke up, swam between sleep and dream for a while. Something warm was wrapped around her. A quilt. Bed felt funny. Hard planes, weird angles. Mattress was slowly moving underneath her. She realized she was lying on top of Logan, head propped on his chest, legs resting between his. He was sleeping too, snoring slightly. Sleep swept her under again.
She woke up alone. There was a note next to her on the bed. “Took Mort out. Be back soon.” For a moment absurd image of Logan holding a tiny leash, walking after small, bald mouse flashed in her mind. She didn’t giggle. Logan had told her mouse would most likely die before morning. Instead of giggle almost sad sigh escaped from her lips. She yawned and stretched. Tried to remember did she ever finish her big speech. Groaned.
“Fuck!” She had finished it. And confessed her feelings again. And Logan hadn’t answered. Door opened and Logan walked in, carrying her duffel.
“Found your car. Here. If you want to wash up, bathroom’s over there. No shower, but there should be some hot water. Tank is right next to the fireplace,” he said, pointing at the door she hadn’t noticed before. She took the duffel from him and took out fresh clothes and her wash bag.
“You wouldn’t happen to have any painkillers?” She asked, holding her head.
“Nope. But I’ll make you breakfast. It’ll help a little.”
Bathroom was actually a small corner hidden behind the fireplace. There was working toilet seat and a sink. Next to the sink was a bucket. On the opposite was a faucet. She put the bucket under it and turned the handle. Warm, nearly hot water flowed to the bucket.
“Why did you come? What made you seek me out?” He looked calm. Sipping his coffee, leaning his back against the wall behind him, legs swung over the bench he was sitting on. But she could tell he was uncomfortable. He was never this collected otherwise.
“I thought I told you already. I came to tell you it’s safe to go home.”
“And…”
“No other reason. Well, wanted to see you one last time. To say good bye.”
“I won’t do it. Neither will you.”
“I take it you’re not going back to Xavier’s?” She asked, strapping on her snowshoes. Soon after their talk Logan had retreated to silence, only grunting short and gruff answers if she asked something. No reason to stay any longer.
“I’m not going. You are. You’re no fit to stay on your own. You need other people around you.”
“Not that kind of people, thank you very much…” She muttered and walked out.
It took him five whole minutes to catch her meaning. Couple minutes more to throw on a jacket and a pair of snowshoes. Four to reach her.
She screamed when heavy hand landed on her shoulder and spun her around. She nearly tripped over.
“You’re going back to Xavier even if I have to haul your ass there by myself!” Logan growled, towering over her, hands grasping her shoulders painfully.
“I’m not welcome there anymore. At least not according to Ororo. Other students and even some of the teachers are afraid of me.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? What the hell is going on?” Logan crouched in front of her, still furious, but she could tell his anger wasn’t directed at her anymore.
“They blame me. I’m the heartless bitch that drove you away just because I couldn’t have you between my thighs.”
“Heartless? You? Right. I’m not going to lie. I left because of you. You didn’t want me to hang around anymore. But that is none of their business. That’s between us. Come on, I’ll pack up little something,” Logan said, standing up and tugging her after him, back towards the cabin.
“Pack up?”
“We are going back there. Don’t worry, I won’t stay, I’ll just have a word with those fuckers, and then I’m out of your hair.”
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000