The orange-gold glow of the setting sun on the water helped ease the multitude of personalities in my head as I stand there staring out over the lake. I found this spot about a year ago, back when Jean was just getting back on her feet after the whole Phoenix thing.
Seeing how Logan had gone out of his mind with grief after she'd been hit by all that water, I knew beyond a doubt he'd loved her. I mean the true, happy ever after kind of love, sorta what I feel for the big ass.
See this is my place, my special hide away from everything and everyone when my emotions threaten to destroy me. I've seen the way Scott and Logan face off fighting with each other because both want to be the one man in Jean's life. I may be young but I'm not that naive - especially when you think about it! Jean loves Scott, hell she's engaged to him, but you see she loves Logan to.
I don't know, I ain't a psychic so I don't know why she loves both of them. Personally I think she should just forget about Logan, let him go. She will never leave Scott, and any relationship she has with Logan is doomed before it begins.
For one she's too much a prim and proper gal, the type of woman Scott needs. For two, Logan is the love `em and leave `em type -more interested in a fling than long term. And for three, deep down I have to admit that I want Logan to realize he loves ME, needs me. Yeah, yeah, for a nineteen year old woman I have a very active imagination, but its all I have.
Bobby and I split a long time ago, he couldn't handle being second to Logan in my esteem. Since then I've dated a little, Remy was the last one but it never lasts long. I always wind up comparing them to Logan, the what I think a man should be. And there's never any real intimacy, a hug here, a glove encased hand clasped to his for a few moments before I pull away, those are all pretty good reasons why guys and I never hang together very long.
Who knows, maybe its just cause I'm fucked up. I mean I got three men in my head, and they all want a chance to talk - but what gets me is that of the three there's one that is strongest, loudest, and leaves me feeling peaceful. You guessed it - Logan's voice. Maybe that's why I cling to the emotions I feel, the touches I get because deep inside my soul I know, Logan is the only one who will ever really understand who I am.
Rubbing my arms as the sun sinks a few more inches I breath in, the smell of the water fills me with a peace I only find in my dreams. Of course the soft lulling of the water on the beach, the sound of the birds that swim along the water almost hypnotic.
"Hey kid," the soft tone draws a shudder I try to keep hidden. Closing my eyes I try hard to push aside the brief flare of the pain in my chest at the term. `Kid', that's all I'm ever going to be to Logan, he isn't going to see me as anything more than a kid he picked up.
"Logan," careful not to disturb the peacefulness of the lake I acknowledge his presence, nothing more, nothing less. I don't turn to face him, don't smile, instead I stand still, waiting, listening to his approach.
"Thought I'd find you out here," Logan stops next to me, his gaze drawn to the setting sun.
"Yeah, great view," I shoot back, keeping my tone even, a teasing note running through it. Its taken me three years to finally admit to myself I love him, and if it takes me the rest of my life I'm going to teach myself how to live without him.
"Everything okay?" Logan's tone is curious, there's no hesitation in it, like he figures he has the right to ask me about my life. I laugh to myself, yeah he has the right, he owns me.
"Just enjoying the last of the day," I reply softly. Shifting slightly, putting a little distance between us even as I toss a casual, friendly glance at him. "Figure'd you'd be busy what with Scott gone.." I murmur softly.
Fuck everyone knows they're sleeping together, Jubilee caught sight of Jean coming out of Logan's room in her robe one morning about three months back and of course within a day the entire mansion knew about it.
"Yeah?" Logan glances at me with that expressionless look he has. "Figure'd you'd be too busy to notice my life."
I smile sadly and shake my head, no point in saying something that's going to let him know how much this hurts me. "Actually I only noticed it in passing. Scott seemed to get a little more tense when the two of you met up in the Danger Room."
"Yeah well Scooter's got something stuck in his ass," Logan grunted at me. "Its gotten worse lately."
Gee, I wonder why I think but refrain from speaking. "So you going on the next mission?" I ask not really interested.
"No." Logan shrugs easily, "Figured I'd head north again."
Nodding I push an errant strand of hair from my face, feeling the usual pull of anger at the thought of him leaving, and yet I welcome it. Means I can get the hell outta Dodge without him knowing it, "So what you lookin' for this time?" I ask softly, easily.
"Can't say. Not really lookin' for anything in particular," Logan shrugs and pulls a cigar from his coat pocket. "Uh Kid we need to talk."
"Why? You need me to distract Scooter whilst you and Jean escape or something?" I ask, only partially teasing. God I hate that woman, hate the situation, hate that everyone looks at me with this look of pity in their eyes. Frankly I hate being the fool in love with the fool in love with Jean.
Logan glances at me funnily, come to think of it he probably didn't really think of that. Yeah right, like he hasn't thought of what he wants to do to Jean when its just the two of them behind closed doors.
"Uh no," Logan pauses and turns his gaze back to the lake.
"Hey, don't worry `bout me Logan," I smile, hope for a reassuring look, hope he doesn't pick up on my wounded pride. "I'll be fine."
"Yeah I know," Logan actually looks a little uneasy. "I know you're gonna be okay Kid. After all, you're the best at being fine."
I nod even while I grind my teeth together, what was I expecting? Hoping he'd wake up and realize that I'm not that half starved kid he pulled out of his trailer and gave a package of jerky to? Or maybe I was hoping he would see the woman who loves him.
With a sad mental shake of my head I shrug, who am I kiddin'? I'm not gorgeous, with legs that never end, and flaming red hair - nope. I'm just me, brown hair with streaks, brown eyes, a bit too stubborn for my own good - just plain old Rogue.
"How long you figure you're going to be gone?" I ask as I turn to face him slightly. My real intention is to get back to the mansion, to lock myself up in my bathroom under the pretense of having a shower without anyone questioning it so I can have a good solid cry.
"Couple of months," Logan replies sucking back on his cigar before exhaling quickly. "Why? You gonna miss me?"
"I already do," with a sly grin I squeeze his arm and start back to the mansion. "Take care Logan."
"Yeah, you to kid." He looks like he wants to say something else, but I merely smile and move off into the fading light.
I can see him standing there in the shadowy light that comes just before dark and part of me wishes that time would stop. That he wouldn't leave, that I would be enough for him, but I know that it wouldn't work. Sooner or later he'd get tired of having a girl around he couldn't really touch.
Walking through the growing darkness I can feel my shoulders hunching down burdened by the rolling emotions within my chest. Rolling them I shrug deeper into my jacket and hurry my steps along, yep there's the mansion now. Almost running I hurry through the garden and up the back stairs to slip unnoticed through the doors and up the stairs to my room.
Stripping down I step into the shower, the hot water pounding down on me and close my eyes. The moment I do my control shatters, and the tears, hot, salty, pour down my face and drip off my chin along with the water from the shower.
I know that Logan's going to come back to the mansion. Couple of months and he'd be back, Jean would be back to sneaking into and out of his room, and Scott would be wanting to kill them both. Course I could play that game, chase Scott but really - why would I go for Scott when I don't want him?
Standing there I tilt my face up, letting the hot water scald my face as I let my jumbled emotions race over me before I take a quick breath and sob openly. Suddenly I hate him, I hate Logan so much that I want to just go up to him and touch him until he stops moving, until he's inside me completely. The thought terrifies me almost as much as the sight of Logan prone on a table after touching me terrifies me. Pushing it aside I shift mental gears, slowly blocking everything out until my mind is at peace.
Feeling the exhaustion creeping over me I crawl out of the shower, grab a towel and wrap it around my body before reaching for a towel and wrapping it turban style round my head. Covered I stalk out into my bedroom and reach for my hair brush. Ten minutes later with my wet hair pulled back into a long braid I jerk the towel off, tossing it aside before crawling into bed.
With a sad sigh I force myself to admit that I won't be here when Logan comes back. I may be a lot of things but I am not into self torture, so my sleepy mind begins to plot out my escape even as I slide into another of my dreams.
Groaning slightly I shift, rolling over as I realize that my bed is now moving. The low hum of a motor reaches my ears and I frown, my eyes slowly coming open to stare at the wooden paneling of the wall.
I must be dreaming, because there is no way in hell that I am in a moving vehicle. I went to bed naked for fuck sake! Who would be stupid enough to.. Suddenly my thought process stutters to a halt and I sit up, unaware that in my haste to see if I was right the blankets had fallen off revealing way too much skin. Too much naked deadly skin.
"What the hell is going on? What are you doing?" I demand as I stare at Logan who looks like he's comfortable behind the wheel.
"Drivin'," he grunts and flicks the ashes of his cigar into the ashtray.
"Why am I here?" the words are hissed out from between clenched teeth.
"Well since you volunteered. ." Logan started with a crooked grin.
"I did not.."
"Uh kid, you might want to get dressed before you get in too much of a hurry to come up here."
With a glance around I grab the first set of clothes I can find, snagging a t-shirt and sweat pants of Logan's before I clamber into the passenger seat, "So you gonna explain what the hell I'm doing here?"
"Sure," Logan grins at me like a fool. A happy fool but a fool none the least and I'm left confused and furious.
"Well?"
"See everyone thinks Jean and I got something going," Logan started.
"Great," slumping down in my seat I glare out the windshield. "Look Logan, I am not helping you avoid detection. Whatever you and Jean do is up to you.."
"Good. Glad you think that," Logan says reaching in front of me and pulling open the glove compartment. "Jerky?"
"No thank you," I grind out only to have the package dropped in my lap anyway. With a soft sigh I reach for it and start eating, might as well eat while he's contemplating what he wants me to do.
"See I got to thinking, and after I heard a particular conversation the other day I realized something."
"What? That everyone knows you're screwing Jean?" I ask sweetly.
"Everyone THINKS I'm screwing Jean," Logan shot back with a dark scowl. "Including Jean."
"What are you taking about?" I demand angrily. Fuck it I hate when he does this shit.
"Three months ago, Jean made a big show of coming out of my room when she knew someone would be watching. That the person was the Yellow Fireworks just happen to be an added bonus. However, what no one seems to be aware of was that I was not in my room.."
"Oh? Let me guess you were in Jean's room talking to Scott."
"Nope," Logan grinned at me suddenly and I felt my stomach drop out of my body. Suddenly swallowing was a chore. "I was in your room."
"My room?" I croak, how was it possible. Three months ago, I was in my new room and the door was locked, wasn't it?
"Yep, nightmare."
Suddenly I nodded, that night I'd had a bad one. I couldn't wake up from it, and I had the vague thought when I'd gotten up that morning that Logan had been there at some point. The nightmare had stayed with me all day, the haunted feeling that never seemed to let me go. I had struggled with it all day, and then Logan had sought me out after dinner and sat with me, letting me talk about it until the confusion and fear had faded.
Yet there had been this sense of deja vu, like he knew I'd put it down to the fact that he'd had the same dream more than once. Now though, I wasn't so sure. "Why didn't you say something?"
"What would I have said?" Logan asked me softly, "Scott would have raised a big stink about it. He takes his responsibilities very seriously."
"But.."
"Besides, the main reason I'd gone to see you that night was because of a nightmare of my own."
"Guess I wasn't much help then huh?"
Pulling off the road Logan parked in a rest stop and sat there in silence, his gaze focused on the world outside the truck, come to think of it where had he gotten it? I wondered as the silence stretched onwards.
"You go to the lake for a respite, a break from every day things," Logan started softly. "It's your sanctuary from the pain you feel, from the voices in your head."
"So?" I shift, glancing around, wishing that he'd get to the point so I could go back to my bed.
"I don't have a lake, or a garden to retreat to," Logan spoke quickly his hands tightening on the steering wheel. "My sanctuary is.."
"Look Logan.." I stop; I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to make him see that I care about him without revealing too much of my own self. "You've had a lot longer to grow tough. You just.."
"Its you..
That threw me, I have to say. I wasn't expecting that. "Pardon?"
"My sanctuary is being around you," Logan replied seriously. "I may be the hardest prick this side of the Canadian Border but, all my weaknesses, all my basic instincts all retreat to a place to lay low when I'm with you. I figured it out a long, long time ago; it just never occurred to me that you wouldn't know it to."
"Uh Logan," I pause because I'm not sure what to say. I mean I know what he's saying, and suddenly it's clear to me exactly why he's been doing what he's been doing for the past year and a half. Every second that Logan has spent with me, he's been telling me in the only way he knows how he feels about me.
It becomes clear to me why he let me drag him to the girly movies he hates, why his shut door is never closed to me, why he lets me crash on his bed, wear his clothes, the small gifts he's given me. He does it because Logan loves me, needs me and since I was rather blind to that desire he felt the need to kidnap me.
"So where are we going then?" I ask and he grins, that sexy curl of his lip that shows his teeth quickly and the familiar glow in his eyes tells me he understands what I'm saying.
I guess I don't need the lake anymore, because I got something better. I've got the one person in this entire world I wanted. I have Logan, and we've both got the safety and security of the refuge we offer the other from the hostility of this world.
"How `bout Slave Lake, it's got some great fishing."
Laughing I nod, "As long as it takes a long time to get there."
"Oh we might be back at the mansion in time for Christmas," Logan grins at me. "If you're good," he says with a chuckle as he pulls out and steps on the gas and I lean back in my seat and watch him driving.
Finding a safe place sometimes isn't so much about location but who you're with and for me, my lake will always be there but I don't need it now, not when I'm surrounded by safety and love. Guess you just never know where you're going to find refuge from the pain.
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