Logan’s been acting weird this whole day. Ever since he came back from his session in danger Room he has been distant. He’s with me, but not all there. I tried to ask what was bothering him, but he just shrugged his shoulders and told me it was nothing. He’s a terrible liar. He’s twitchy and edgy, scanning our surroundings constantly, and it looks like he’s avoiding other people. When we are out walking, he chooses secluded paths at the far end of the garden, rather than more crowded ones around basketball- and tennis courts. We don’t go to eat to dining hall. Instead he steers me to kitchen. I don’t really mind, but this is plain weird. I know him. He isn’t the party animal chatting mundane things with random people, but he isn’t usually this anti-social, either. I don’t know what to think about his behavior.
“I know something’s wrong. Why can’t you talk to me about it?” Sun is setting. We are sitting in the garden on a soft grass. Logan’s holding my hand and fiddling with my fingers. He doesn’t look at me.
“Talk to me.”
“I can’t. I don’t want… I’m so fucked up. I don’t want to loose you. I don’t want to loose this what we have. Can I just hold you?” He’s already curling around me, head tucked tightly against my stomach, hands around my waist. His legs support my back. All wrapped up to a Logan belt. Brief image of wolverine, curling its furred body around my shivering form, clawed paws resting protectively on my lower abdomen. But Logan isn’t trying to protect. He’s hiding. What is so ugly he has to hide it from me? Loose me? What the hell is going on? I’m really starting to get worried.
“Logan? Could you please tell me what has happened?” My voice is quivering, and that makes his head snap up.
“You better understand that there’s no way out. I’m not going to let you go.” He looks so angry and scared, and he’s scaring me. The way his fingers dug in my back. Careful way he sets his words. Not a threat to casual observer, but I have been inside of him. I can read between the lines. There really is no way out. Not even if I wanted to.
“You’re going to finish your school in here. After that we leave. Just the three of us. On the road.” His hand is drawing lazy circles to my stomach. I’m starting to get a little bigger. Not much. Not enough that other people take notice. This has gone surprisingly well. I haven’t felt nausea; I don’t have cravings. I don’t feel bloated. I just feel me. Completely me. Like there’s not even anybody home. But I know baby is in there. I can tell from the way Logan rubs his face against me and smiles.
“I can hear two hearts. Yours and baby’s.” And there’s another thing we haven’t discussed. A baby. I wasn’t exactly planning to get pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I know about flowers, bees, condoms and pills. But those are all secondary thoughts. I gave myself to him more than willingly. One might say I took him with force for the first time. I wasn’t really concerned about protection back then. After that first time it became something mundane. Something to push out of the way when things got interesting. I had felt him inside of me, and I wasn’t going to give up that feeling for anything. I have no regrets, but I think he might feel I blame him for this situation somehow. We really have to talk this through. It’s going to be hard. I’m not used to talk about my feelings with anybody. Hasn’t been a hindrance up until now.
“If you’re not going to talk, I want you to listen what I have to say.” Because this is something I will say only once. Because it’s too personal to be shared with anybody. Even with him. It’s me. Who I am. He turns his face from my stomach, facing me, dead serious.
“I took advantage of you. I needed somebody, anybody, to share my life with. When things turned out the way they did, it was an added bonus. I love you. I’m getting more comfortable with the idea of having your child. I don’t need constant pampering or protection. I have no intentions to let you go, no matter what happens. You won’t get rid of me even if you wanted to. You belong to me, as much as I belong to you. This may make me an ugly, horrible person, but this is whom I am. I’m completely satisfied to the situation at hand, and I will tell you if something bothers me.” There. The whole truth. I needed him. I fell in love with him. I have no life apart from him. And I don’t care about it. This is enough for me.
Oh, fuck. This isn’t happening. She’s not taking the blame. Not on this one. I should have been the responsible one. I should have told no. I should have taken her to the next town instead of dragging her to that motel. She took an advantage? Christ! Doesn’t she see what is going on? I’m using her. I’m using her mind and body. Instead of clinging to me she should try to get away. I know I won’t allow that to happen, but she shouldn’t just quietly swallow everything I dish out. She’s a fucking person! Another human being! Not some fucking toy for me to play with! She’s getting more comfortable about the idea of motherhood? She shouldn’t have to! Only thing she should have to be getting comfortable is the idea of a boyfriend, preferably her own age, with clean-cut face and a sports car. Not going to happen as long as I’m alive, but that isn’t the fucking point! I’m fucked up, and now I have fucked up her, too.
“I don’t want you to settle. You got yourself a shitty deal when you hooked up with me, but that doesn’t mean you should just take everything I do or say. Scream. Shout. Cry. Kick me. Do something. I will never let you go. I can’t do it. But you don’t have to approve. You have the right to disagree with me. Had it from the beginning.” I don’t deserve her. I should just go and leave her. Even Scott would be better option. Even with Jean still in the picture. And I can’t fucking let her go!
“I will state my objections when I have something to object.” And I can smell she’s telling the truth. Lycan in me rolls over whimpering. We are both whipped. She combs her fingers through my hair, and that simple touch sends shivers all over me. It burns and a sting like tearing open a wound, but it’s a good burn, drawing wolverine closer to the surface, soothing its tangled fur. My clash with Scott left it lying in the corner, nearly beaten by the lycan, but her touch wakes it up again.
Now that we got that out of the way, it’s time to press on to that other subject. The one that started this whole conversation. I’m on the row now. I will drag out what ever that is that is bothering him. Because it sounds like it’s big enough issue to have an impact to my life too. I want to know why he’s planning to leave as soon as it is humanely possible.
“Can you tell me now what’s going on?”
“I’d rather not talk about it, but might as well tell you.” I can hear from his voice he’s challenging me. Challenging me to try to leave.
“I was in danger Room when Scott came over. Things got bit out of hand. I tried to rape him.” Oh. He looks straight in to my eyes.
Come on. Say something. Your precious hubby told you just he was going to rape somebody this morning. At least scream. Do anything. Try to leave. Go. Run. Fucking run! Go to professor and make him lock me up for good. I’m not safe. I’m not sane. Even lycan can vouch for that!
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