"Look here *Bub*. Blatantly, I'm the superhero. You're the sidekick."
"Yeah, whatever wolf-man. There's no way that's true."
"It aint my fault, Scooter. You just gotta have the moves, and some people do, and some people-"
"Right. And this is my hmm-I-believe-you-I-really-do face. The superhero is a *man*. Not a dog."
"You callin' me a dog? You wanna get bitten?"
"See. My point exactly. The superhero does not bite others."
"Ah but Dracula-"
"-was not a superhero. Nice try, Logan. But no. It's obvious to all that *I* would be the superhero. I mean, look at the facts. I have all the right qualities, sense of honour, good moral standing, dashing charm-"
"Just 'cause you have cheekbones Bub, that don't make you a hero. Just makes you effeminate."
"Ooh and that's a big word for a wolf. You're just jealous because I have the laserbeams like Superman."
"And when I want a diamond cut, I know exactly where to come, but other than that, you aint much use."
"Yeah well, at least my mutation doesn't make me look like Edward Scissorhands. Besides, we both know that the hero is always the chivalrous good looking one, and his sidekick is the grouchy flea bitten partner, the one that does all the dirty work and kickass fighting scenes."
"Kickass, yep. Grouchy... you know I aint a mornin' person. But I am not flea-"
"Why you scratching then, hmm?"
"I'M NOT SCRA... Ok. Yeah fuck off with your smug-ass expression. It aint pretty. Leather's are too tight, ok? Some of us are better endowed than others. And everyone know superhero's can't have small-"
"You really do not want to finish that sentence Logan."
"- Says who? Says you? Dicks."
"Logan."
"Dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks. D.I.C.K.S"
"Well, now you're just proving my point. You wouldn't catch Superman saying that."
"Yeah, but you would catch him at ten thousand feet with his underwear on the outside, so, in my opinion, that voids him as superhero material."
"Ok, fair comment. Batman wouldn't."
"He would an' all. Besides, he's the one with the dodgy past, like me. He drives too fast, also like me. And *his* sidekick was the clean cut boy Robin. I think it's obvious to all that I'd be Batman, and you'd be Robin."
"I'd be...? Not a chance."
"Heh!"
"Laugh it up, fuzzball. Batman doesn't have any real powers anyway, just gadgets. I'd definitely be Spiderman."
"Doesn't count, doesn't have a sidekick."
"He has Mary-Jane Watson..."
"Well in that case, I'd say you'd make a stunnin' Mary-Jane. I'd be Spidey, you'd look so damn *precious* in a-"
"Fuck off Logan."
"You could-"
"I said fuck off. Besides. I'm the fearless leader. You're the antihero. You can't be superhero material."
"I'm not the goddamned antichristorwhatever. That's Magnet head's role. I'm the stud, the looks – the bad boy all the good girls wanna take home to meet their momma before beggin' me to fuck them senseless."
"They *have* sense to start with?"
"Smart, Cyke. You'll cut yourself on that sarcasm if you're not careful. And, *for your information*, I save people. Ok grudgingly, but the jobs done. And, what's more, it's done with style. I'm super. I'm a hero. I look damn good – you can spell Scooter – put it together."
"Never gonna wash Logan. Face it. I'm Liono, you're Snarf"
*Snort* "Yeah, you know *that* aint true."
"I'm Captain Hook, you're Smee."
"No I aint."
"You sound like him."
"Oh hafuckin'ha"
"And he's hairy."
"Yeah, one more comment like *that* Bub, and you'll be beggin' for peterfuckinpan."
"Oooh, threats Logan? You wouldn't catch a superhero making threats now, would you. Face it, you're She-girl to my He-man. You're Shaggy to my Scooby. You're Mutley to my Dick Dars... *snigger*. You'd make a good Mutley."
"Three strikes and you're a kebab, Bub. Aint warnin' you again."
"You're just jealous Logan. I've got the looks, I've got the girl."
"You've got *a* girl. It's still a mystery to us how. And, Bub, she aint the girl for a superhero. A superhero needs a kickass girl, y'know, small, lethal, dark hair, like-"
"Like Rogue?"
"That's not what I said. I meant-"
"It is too! Look at you. You're almost blushing! Wolvie fancies Ro-gue, Wolvie fancies Ro-gue!"
"I do NOT. And I am not goddamned blushin'. It's just hot in here, that's all."
"Yeah right, and if you kiss Toad he'll turn into Prince Charming."
"I do not fancy... And what the fuck has that got to do with anythin'? I aint kissin' no goddamned-"
"It was a... never mind. Obviously the joke had above your recommended age range written on the box."
"Whatever, Bub. Like I said, I'm the superhero, you're the sidekick."
"Yeah, didn't believe you the first time, I'm not going to-"
"I *said* I'm the superhero." *Snikt* "You're the sidekick. Gottit?"
"Uh... ok Logan...put the...put the claws away. Superhero's don't use underhanded methods to *OUCH!* Okokok! You're the superhero, you're the superhero."
"Which makes you?"
"Another Superhero?"
"Which MAKES YOU...?"
"Mary-Jane."
"Good. Glad we got that sorted. Beer?"
"Yes please."
"Tough shit, Girls don't drink beer. Hahahahahaaa!"
"Yeah. Funny Logan. No really. Hysterical. My sides are splitting."
"Hahahahaaa haahaha haaa!"
"Yeah you can stop now."
"Ahh ha ha ha haaaa haaa!"
"No really... Fine."
"Hah ha haa haa– HEY! That was my last fuckin' cigar!"
"Not anymore it's not."
"You give that back here now, or I'll-"
"Or you'll *what* Logan? Pop your claws again? You need to come up with some more original material because-"
"I tell Jeanie on you!"
"...You wouldn't."
"I would an' all. I'll tell her that you've been down here all day, smokin' and drinkin' with me instead of filin' those reports like you told her."
"Logan-"
"And I might jus' happen to let slip a little somethin' about your Mary-Jane fetish."
"Fine. You do that. See if I care. I'll just tell Rogue you fancy her."
"You what...? You wouldn't dare."
"Wouldn't I? Watch me. I'll call her right now. Ohhhh Roo-gue..."
"Shut it One-eye!"
"ROGUE!"
"Shut the fuck up before I give you some much needed plastic surgery."
"Roooo-gueeee... Oh. Uhh. Hi Rogue. Um. What are you doing down here?"
"You just called me Sugah. You boys ok?"
"Um."
"We're fine darlin'. Heh. We're jus'... wait a minute. You got here goddamned quick."
"That's because I was standin' outside the door, listening. With Jean and Ro over there. Only they're laughing too hard to come in right now. Jean's got hiccups. Storm nearly passed out. Didn't realise we had Batman and Robin on the team."
"You heard everythin'?"
"Sure did Logan."
"Even about the-"
"Yep."
"Oh."
"...So. What I really came in here to ask is, you gonna do anythin' about it Sugah?"
"Am I gonna...? Fuck. Y'mean... Fuck. As in... ? Does this mean we get to have sex now?"
"Not right now. Please. There are other people present."
"Fuck off Cyke. What d'ya say Marie?"
"Will you wear the Batsuit?"
"Hell yeah."
"Then, baby, I'm all yours."
"Will you guys get a room? Will someone tell them to PLEASE get a... never mind. I'll just go. Don't worry about me. And don't make a mess on the... never mind again. Too late. I'll be in the medlab if either of you need me, trying to burn the image of this from my retinas, of you two doing... things... Christ is that even possi-... yes... apparently. Damn animals. Let one into your house and when it's not growling at you it's humping everything in sight."
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Author's Chapter Notes:
See – now this is what happens when I write/read too much angst. I feel the need to publish something really silly. Anyone fancy something completely ridiculous? A very childish squabble between Logan and Scott perchance? Well I got bored, it got written, and it's gonna get posted despite its obvious shortcomings! Yeah, this is a total piece of absolute foofy trash *grins* but what the hell. And what makes it worse is that I literally laughed my ass off writing it! How sad! It's dialogue only again – so I hope it makes sense – gets kinda tricky towards the end – you'll see what I mean. Oh. And with the Antihero thing. Imagine it's post x2 – then it's almost true. Sorta. Anyway, enough excuses. On with the fic.