The next morning, Rogue found herself coming awake with a slow cautiousness. She kept her eyes closed as she became aware of her surroundings. The slight roughness of the sheets beneath her. The soft weight of the comforter. A small ache in her neck from sleeping at an awkward angle. The bright morning light peaking through the curtains she’d drawn closed last night.

And then. With a cautious poke, she analyzed the contents of her mind.

She waited anxiously, breath held, for the dank and greasy feeling of Creed to surface.

Nothing but quiet. The peace and stillness of her own thoughts.

Her late night session with the professor had worked. Sabretooth was contained.

But then Rogue felt a slight jolt of panic as she realized that she couldn’t hear Wolverine. Couldn’t picture him. She sat upright and threw off the comforter, a mild panic beginning to course through her. She hadn’t realized that in the short time she’d had him inside her, how much she’d come to accept his presence in her thoughts.

I didn’t go anywhere. Came the sudden low quiet growl of Wolverine. Ya needed some peace. I gave it to ya.

Her heartbeat slowly resumed a normal pace as she let out a breath. He wasn’t gone. No matter what happened, he would still be with her.

An ominous growling echoed inside her at that thought. Yer gonna leave.

It wasn’t a question.

No! Yes. I don’t know!

This wasn’t a conversation she was ready to have. Not with the Wolverine inside her head, and not with the very real one just down the hall. She didn’t know what she wanted yet. No. That wasn’t true. She knew what she wanted. She wanted the best of both of her worlds. She wanted that fierce new connection with Logan, and she wanted the comforts of her own world without any of the horrific past of this one. She was selfish. She wanted the best of everything, without any of the pain her decision would cause. Goddammit. How was she supposed to choose? Pain for others. Pain for her. Either way, her choice was going to gut someone.

She felt Wolverine withdraw as her thoughts bounced around from one world to the next. And she let out her own growl of frustration at the overwhelming choice in front of her. With everything that’d happened over the last week, she needed some time to weigh her options.

“Okay,” she said to herself as she left the bed and began to pace the length of her room. She stopped to throw open the curtains to let in the morning light and then resumed her stride. “What do you know?”

As she tried this logical approach to her problem, she realized she didn’t know a whole hell of a lot. All she really knew was that The Brotherhood knew about Rift, and thanks to her, what he was capable of. Rogue shoved down a fresh surge of guilt as she pondered that bit of information. She still wasn’t comfortable with what she’d done when she’d thought the real Rift had been threatened. She’d caved and given into the easy choice.

She continued to analyze the situation as she walked alongside the eastern wall of her room. First, she didn’t know exactly where Rift was. Sure, The Brotherhood had used Mystique to coerce her into telling them what Rift’s powers were. But that didn’t mean they had him. It also didn’t mean they knew where he was. But their interest in his abilities seemed to indicate that he was alive. After all, what would be the point in having Rogue confirm his abilities if he was dead?

That led her to one of three possibilities. Either Rift was free and in hiding like the other remaining mutants, he was being held by The Brotherhood, or he had been taken by the Friends of Humanity. Though she really hoped it was the first possibility, Rogue decided that it wasn’t very likely. Odds were, he was being held captive by one of the two opposing groups. She exhaled with frustration. At this point, it didn’t matter where he was. Neither The Brotherhood or Friends of Humanity were likely to give up either information on his whereabouts, nor would they be inclined to turn over Rift should she somehow manage to request it.

So where does that leave me? She thought as she stopped her pacing to look out the window. The sky was full of heavy dense clouds, and the snow was thick on the mountains. Though it was nearly February, spring was still a long ways off this far north.

Rogue forced her thoughts back to the topic at hand. She still wanted Logan. Jesus. The desire running through her as she thought of him was wild. Electric. All-consuming. His words from two nights ago came roaring through her mind. “Who do you belong to, Rogue?” and her immediate response, “You, Logan. I belong to you!”

It was true,
she reflected. Even now she wanted to seek him out, grab him, and yank him close to her. Grind herself against him, have him use his teeth against her throat as he gripped her ass and thrust against her in response.She’d given into those feelings he’d awoken in her almost from the first moment she’d met him, because she didn’t want to deny herself any longer. She’d gone after what she wanted and taken it. And she’d been mad at him for his reaction to her indecision because, if she was being brutally honest with herself, she was mad at herself too. How could she even think of leaving? Being with Logan had awoken a part of her she hadn’t known she’d been living without. It was a glorious, heady feeling. The animalistic connection between them was laying the groundwork for something even deeper and more meaningful, she could feel it. And maybe she was afraid of that. Maybe she felt she didn’t deserve it. That she should punish herself for wanting something that made her feel so good, when she wasn’t a good person. She’d done things she couldn’t ever undo. She’d hurt people. Killed them. Why did she deserve happiness after everything she’d done?

Maybe that was one of the reasons why being with Logan was so appealing. He understood. He’d done things. A low growl of caution filled her head as flashes of past violence flashed through her mind. Wolverine was uneasy, on edge as the memories filtered through her. He didn’t want her seeing those things. Didn’t want her to leave him because of them.

No, she said in response. I understand.

And it appeared to be all the reassurance Wolverine needed. She felt him sinking back into the recesses of her mind, a contented watchfulness emanating from him.

It was then, with another defeated sigh, that she came to her decision. Which was not to decide. Not now. Not yet. It was too hard, and she didn’t know the actual extent of her options anyway. Rift was alive. For now, that would have to be enough.

_____________


After a quick shower, Rogue decided she did know one thing. She didn’t want to waste another minute brooding alone in her room and resolved to getting back into a routine and resuming training. She steeled herself for a confrontation with Logan, as well as her first encounter with the rest of the team since the failed mission almost two weeks ago. Rogue felt a blush bloom in her cheeks as she realized that ever since she kissed Logan on the balcony almost three days ago, she hadn’t seen anyone but him, and the professor for a brief stint last night.

Did they know? The thought flitted across her consciousness briefly as she imagined seeing Kitty again for the first time, and a grunt of amusement from Wolverine followed.

They’d be the stupidest buncha people that existed if they didn’t know.

Rogue let out a snort of laughter as she pulled on her training clothes. Kitty would make some sort of ridiculous joke to let her know she approved of her actions, and then would beam with happiness after she realized what Rogue had been up to for the past several days.

Only thing was, how would the rest of the team react to their fight? She didn’t know if the others knew about what had happened between her and Logan other night. But if they had any brains, or ears, they were likely to have noticed.

It doesn’t matter, she told herself. You’re gonna have to deal with some uncomfortable stuff if you want to enjoy your time with him.

She glanced at a clock as she laced up her shoes and swore. It was just a few minutes before ten o’clock. She was going to have to hustle if she wanted to grab a quick bite and be on time for training. Logan didn’t hold class for anyone, and even with the change in their physical relationship, she was sure she would be no exception.

He had a rigid attitude toward rules and order when it came to running his training sessions. You didn’t like his approach to sparring? Tough shit. You dealt with it, or you left. Rogue could only assume this hardened attitude was a result of what had happened in this world. The attacks on mutants, the incalculable cost of pain and loss they had endured. Logan hadn’t always been so dedicated to the X-Men. She’d seen it in those flashes of memory. He’d disappear for months, sometimes years at a time after he’d first met her doppleganger. Always searching for his past. Always running from or to something. It wasn’t until the world started to go to shit that he’d settled back at the mansion. Wanting to keep safe the things that really mattered to him.

She flew down the stairs, and headed into the kitchen. Just as she thought, the place was deserted. And though the scent of fresh coffee still hung in the air, a quick glance at the pot told her she’d arrived too late to enjoy some pre-training caffeine. Instead, she resigned herself to a glass of orange juice and a banana, which she quickly scarfed down as she hurried down the basement stairs to the training room.

The sparring session was already in full swing, though she couldn’t have been more than five minutes late. Logan’s back was to the stairs as she came down, but she had no doubt he knew she was there. The subtle tensing of his shoulders was all the information she needed to know that he was aware of her presence.

The team was split into two groups. Half of the team was pounding out miles on the treadmill, while the other half practiced sparring on the mats at the far end of the gym. Logan was drilling the sparring group, who were split into pairs practicing escaping choke holds.

Unsure of what she should do, Rogue squared her shoulders and strode over to Logan.

“Yer late,” was his surly greeting as she stood next to him watching the pairs squaring off in front of her. Kitty caught her eye and frowned slightly, which didn’t give Rogue the confidence boost she’d been hoping for.

“Yeah,” she said in response. “Sorry.” She glance up at him and saw his jaw was clenched, the muscles working as he kept his gaze on the work in front of him. Her stomach was in knots, and it wasn’t because of the hastily downed glass of juice. She didn’t like that he was upset with her. Didn’t want this awkward awareness to continue any longer. Not that she knew what his touch felt like. She wondered briefly if she’d get to pair up with him. Have him run his hands over her body as she tried to work her way out of his hold. Truthfully, she wasn’t going to be trying very hard if that was what happened. Maybe she’d try to work him up so that he kicked everyone else out of the gym and she could show him how sorry she was for walking out on him the other night.

Before her thoughts could get too carried away however, he barked out an order at her.

“Get on the treadmills and see if ya can catch up. Ten miles.” He folded his muscled arms across his chest and didn’t turn her way. The rejection had her feeling as though she’d been plunged into a pool of ice water.

A low growling filled her head and she felt the anger of Wolverine leeching through her. He didn’t like how Logan was acting. Didn’t like how he was treatin’ her.

She turned away quickly though. Rogue wouldn’t let Logan or the others see how his words had affected her. Maybe he’d decided he couldn’t risk getting in any deeper with her. Maybe he was gonna end it.

She sucked in a breath as a deep pain lanced through her at the thought.

Rogue hopped on the treadmill and after a brief warm up, increased her speed to a run. Her thoughts turned dark as she continued to run, mile after mile, her legs burning with her efforts, lungs working hard to keep up with the punishing pace she set for herself.

It wasn’t long before she’d caught up with and then outpaced the others on the treadmill, Scott included. He looked over at her, as he finished a few minutes later, the expression on his face unreadable. His reaction was another indicator that whatever had happened between her and Logan was definitely public knowledge. But it wasn’t causing the reaction she’d hoped for. She’d thought their relationship would have at minimum caused some sort of deeper acceptance of her among the team. But the tension she was picking up on had her doubting her place here. Doubting her choice to be with Logan.

Sweat was pouring from her as she gradually slowed her pace to a walk and recovered her breath. By the time she’d stepped off the treadmill and done some deep stretching, Logan had announced it was time for the groups to switch.

Good, she thought. She hated running after sparring. It was too difficult to push herself into long distances after a brutal strength training session.

Looking around at the group heading over to the mats, Rogue felt her spirits lift a little again. They had an odd number of people, so she would have to pair up with Logan if he wanted them to drill in pairs like he normally did.

She wiped the sweat from her brow as she took a minute to grab some water before moving over to stand next to Scott. She’d been aware of Logan the entire time on the treadmill, wondering if he was watching her while instructing the others. She’d felt him. Standing behind and to her right just out of her sight. Now he stood in front of them, arms still crossed at his chest, feet planted in a rigid stance, and Rogue was so caught up in the urge to touch him, that she missed the first part of their drill instructions.

“…and then move to the BOBs for ten rounds of ten burpees and twenty hook combos.”

Rogue glanced over to the BOBs at the far corner of the underground gym and noticed one was missing, the place where it had been marked by four bolt holes in ripped concrete. She turned back to face the others in her group and noticed that everyone was avoiding eye contact with her. Especially Logan. She felt the start of angry tears forming at the corners of her eyes and clenched her fists together. The reaction and rejection from those who she’d started to consider her friends hurt more than she’d thought it would, and for a moment she seriously considered walking away right then and there. Stealing a car, and driving south toward New York. Toward Washington. She’d find Rift eventually, and if she left now, she wouldn’t be hurting anyone further.

“Rogue.”

The voice startled her out of her thoughts and she realized that everyone had paired off and was beginning their choke hold drills. Her eyes flew around the room to locate Logan. He was back over by the treadmills, barking out less than motivating comments to the other half of the team. He hadn’t moved to pair up with her. He’d left without so much as a word to her. She felt utterly alone.

“Rogue, come on. Pair up with me and Jean. We can take turns with the drills.”

It was Scott. He was being nice to her. And she couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand the calm tone of understanding that was in his voice. But she wasn’t about to let anyone see what she was feeling. What she was dealing with inside. She’d go through the motions, do the drills, take her second shower of the day, and figure out her next move. The earlier excitement she’d felt at the prospect of making up with Logan had vanished. Now she just felt cold. And empty.

She found herself nodding automatically as she moved to join Scott and Jean. The moves were easy now. Second nature. She’d learned a lot with her training since arriving in this world, in addition to having the instincts and knowledge of Wolverine at her disposal. He offered them up easily if she found herself unsure of how to move next, but even that left her feeling hollow. The Wolverine in her head cared about her. Wanted her safe. The one in front of her didn’t seem to want anything to do with her. She moved from one exercise to the next, taking turns escaping holds and blocking hits. And before she knew it, Logan was growling out that training was over and to get out.

Rogue found herself trailing behind the other women on their way to the locker room. There wasn’t any of the normal banter or chatter. The atmosphere was hushed and expectant. Like everyone was waiting for someone to throw the first punch. Against her will, Rogue searched out Logan and found him leaning against the wall which had once been occupied by the now missing BOB. His jaw clenched as she caught his eye and she turned away before he could see her reaction to that single telling gesture. She stiffened her spine and kept her pace with the others. It seemed as though her decision was getting easier by the minute.

Heading automatically to her locker, she kicked off her shoes and grabbed the small caddy containing her own shampoo and conditioner. She kept her head down as she threw her sweaty clothes into the hamper, trying to get through the next few minutes without looking anybody in the eye.

“Rogue.”

It was Kitty this time. Her voice was quiet and Rogue’s feeling of discomfort grew as the rest of the women disappeared toward the showers.

“I think we should talk.”

She didn’t need for anyone to tell her what was going on. It had become crystal clear to her over the past few hours. Her presence was only making the situation here worse. And at this point, Kitty explaining this to her was entirely unnecessary. “It’s fine, Kitty. I get it.” She grabbed a clean towel from the stack by the sink and turned toward the showers.

“No. You don’t.” The sudden vehemence in Kitty’s normally easygoing voice had Rogue stopping in her tracks. Was it possible she’d missed some undercurrent? Something else that’d happened since she’d been out of commission?

Kitty sat down on the bench opposite from Rogue and motioned that she should do the same. Wrapping the towel tightly around herself, Rogue hesitated before conceding. If Kitty wanted to talk, she’d listen to what it was she had to say. It wasn’t likely to change her mind though. At this thought, Wolverine let out a low growl of disapproval. He didn’t like any of this. Her thoughts. Her teammates reactions. Logan’s attitude. None of it.

Kitty let out a shaky sigh and moved up her hands to remove the elastic hair tie that held her hair in a high ponytail. “I know what’s going on between you and Logan.”

Rogue merely raised her eyebrows at this. This wasn’t news to her. Everyone knew. Their reactions during today’s training had told her that much.

Kitty saw her reaction and frowned. “No, hear me out. I know, everyone knows, that you and him, erm…got physical. We uh, heard you.”

“Jesus,” Rogue muttered, feeling the warmth of embarrassment flood her face. She thought back over some of her more vocal moments from a few nights ago and cringed as she realized the team had heard them.

“Yeah. Didn’t leave much to the imagination.” She paused and looked at Rogue. “But I’m not sure you understand what you’re doing. To Logan. Not…with the other thing. You sounded like you knew what you were doing-”

“Kitty,” Rogue interrupted. “Please. Get to the point.”

“Right. Sorry. When Rogue died, our Rogue died,”

There it was again. Something that told her she didn’t belong. She wasn’t their Rogue.

Kitty continued without noticing how those words had hurt her, “Logan, he couldn’t deal with it. He stuck around for a little bit, but in the end he took off. Left us and disappeared.”

Rogue remembered Charles saying something similar to her several months ago, that Logan hadn’t been safe anymore. He’d been so lost in his grief that he couldn’t control the animal, so he left before he hurt someone. Guilt was creeping in now to join the cold aloofness she’d started to embrace.

“It sucked. Losing Rogue. Losing Jubilee. Losing our freedom and our home. And we lost Logan too.”

Kitty looked her right in the eye and Rogue noticed the remnants of her pain shining through. The guilt inside Rogue intensified as she really thought about what Kitty and the others had endured. Their lives hadn’t been easy. They’d lost everything. She sometimes forgot that this world was all they’d ever known. They hadn’t had the luxury of a life without the MRA, or without the Friends of Humanity coming into power.

“It took a long time for him to come back. And when he did, he wasn’t the same. He was tougher. Harder. And then you showed up and everything changed again.”

Rogue’s breath caught in her throat and she had to look away from Kitty. She uncrossed and recrossed her legs on the bench, the feeling of anxiousness growing.

Kitty was combing out her hair with her fingers as she continued. “He started to, I dunno, act like his old self sometimes. He was a little less of a dick in training, and I swear I saw him smile once. But the thing is Rogue, we’re worried about him. If you leave, we’re worried he’s gonna be hurt again and that this time he won’t be able to recover. And he’s not the only one.”

Rogue was startled to see tears in the corner of Kitty’s eyes.

“God, Rogue. Having you here…it’s like you never left. It’s been like having my best friend back. And I don’t want you to go either.”

She swallowed hard, forcing back her own tears now. She was causing everyone so much pain.

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do, Rogue. I just, I dunno, needed you to know that the thought of you ever leaving sucks for everyone.”

Rogue nodded and stood up. From Kitty’s words, it didn’t seem as though she and the others knew about Rift. No, it seemed more that they were worried about what would happen if Rogue did leave. If she was reading between the lines, if she stayed then presumably they would all be okay, because she wouldn’t be leaving a hole in the team again. But if she left now, then maybe it wouldn’t get any worse for anyone. They were already closing themselves off, trying to protect themselves. She saw what they were trying to do, and she didn’t blame them. She’d probably do the same thing in their position. Cut yourself off, protect yourself.

“I understand,” she said to Kitty. “I’ll think about it.” But she knew she didn’t have anymore thinking to do. She strode over to the showers and twisted the handle letting the water come to a scalding temperature.

She knew what she was going to do.
Chapter End Notes:
Don’t shoot me. “Angst” is in the categories for this story…But seriously. Thank you to everyone for your comments and love on this story. I'm really in the groove right now and think I'll be able to push out another few chapters relatively quickly, which means more shippery goodness soon.

I must thank @englishmajor226 too for her lovely and thoughtful beta work on this. Make sure you've read her work. You won't be sorry.

Until next time, cheers!
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