un·der·cur·rent
The cool morning has become a warm, sunny afternoon, the golden light seeping through the trees and landing in long dappled spots on the forest floor around us. I can feel autumn coming in my bones; it won't be long now, and I have a feeling this is probably one of the last days of summer. We were going to keep driving, but since we weren't really in a hurry to get anywhere in particular, we decided to take advantage of the weather and set up camp by the creek. After grabbing some essentials from the camper, we built a fire and had a simple lunch and a couple of beers.
We didn't talk a lot, but it was a comfortable silence, punctuated by an occasional lingering touch of the hand, a kiss, or deliberate brush of our bodies as we moved about. We were ok again.
"Wanna go for a walk?" Rogue asks after a lazy, relaxing meal.
"Sure. I'll have to secure the food first, though," I tell her. "Bears." I reach for a duffle bag and pull out a bundle of rope.
"Let me," she says, taking the cooler and rope. Effortlessly, she lifts off the ground and flies to the highest sturdy branch, suspending the cooler and tying other end of the rope securely to the middle of the branch. She floats back down, landing next to me with a grin.
"Handy," I say, grinning back.
"I have my days," she replies.
With that, we start a slow stroll, hand in hand, heading in the direction of the late afternoon sun as we follow the deer trail.
The leaves have just started turning, and some have fallen to the ground already in spots. Squirrels chatter around us, startled by the human invasion of their domain; they scurry away momentarily, but come back, peering at us from a safe distance, somewhat curious. One of the squirrels even has the courage to throw an acorn at us, which makes Rogue laugh. We pass by peacefully, letting them know that we mean no harm, and soon after they resume their usual foraging and little creature antics.
I sniff the air, checking for other animals nearby. I catch an older scent, a bear that has come through the area recently, as well as the scent of deer and coyote. No humans, though. I don't think humans have ever been in these parts, which is fine by me.
I hear Rogue sigh and I look at her, questioning.
"Don't you ever get sick of me, Logan?" Rogue asks, kicking up some leaves as we amble along. She sees my eyebrows furrow, and looks away. "Don't you get tired of my same old shit, over and over again?"
"What do you mean?" I give her hand a squeeze. "Of course not."
"You know what I mean. What we just fought about this morning; you even said so yourself. The way I can never just...tell you what I'm feeling. The way I fight it so hard when it comes to answering simple questions..." She hesitates. "The way I'm always running away when the questions get tough." She looks at our grasped hands and then up at my eyes. "Why do you put up with me?"
We slow down to a stop, and I turn to face her, placing my hands on her waist. Her hands rest on my forearms, thumbs absently caressing my skin. Her face is cast downward, unwilling to look at me directly.
"How can you stand me? Sometimes I can't even stand myself," she says, shaking her head dejectedly. "You were right about me. You had every right to be angry. All this time, you've been so patient, giving me space...giving me your trust. So far all I've done is take and take, whatever I can get from you. And I've given you nothing in return."
"Hey," I say softly, lifting her chin gently. "That's not true."
"It is true."
"Listen to me," I tell her, caressing her cheek. "It's not a competition, darlin'. It doesn't matter who's doing the giving and the taking; nobody's keeping score here, ok?"
She smiles sheepishly at that, but her expression turns serious again. "Why do you want to be with me? Why do you..." she hesitates, "love...me?" She almost stutters on the word 'love'.
I kiss her on the forehead. "Darlin', I'm not the best at words. And even if I was, it wouldn't matter. I could list a dozen things I love about you, but they're not the reason I love you. All I know is, I just do."
She looks at me dubiously.
"I know that's not an explanation, but it's the truth. You're like...home to me." I take a moment, struggling to find the words. "You remember how I told you that I woke up in the wilderness all those years ago, naked as a jaybird and not knowin' who the hell I was? I had lost all my memories. And in all the years I spent wandering, searching for my past, and trying to figure out where I belonged in the world, the only time I ever felt like I had found a piece of myself that had been missing...was when I found you." I hold her gaze, unflinching, hoping she understands the depth and sincerity of my words. "Does that make sense at all?"
She bites her lip, her eyes glistening as she looks up at me. She nods, unable to speak.
I kiss her on the forehead again. "Good," I say, wrapping my arms around her for a hug. "You don't need to ask why, or for how long. The answer will always be, I love you, and forever."
Her breath hitches and she hugs me tighter. I take her hand and kiss her once more. "C'mon, let's keep going down this path, and see where it takes us."
She takes a breath and nods again. "Ok," she whispers with a shy smile.
. . .
. . .
"It's getting a little brighter ahead, like there's some kind of clearing," Rogue says, pointing to an area off to the right of the curve in the trail. "Let's go check it out."
We head towards the light and reach the edge of the woods, discovering a massive plateau of rock, which appears extend for about 20 feet and then drop off like a cliff face. As we step out onto the rock, the space opens up and we are suddenly looking out over a great valley, with a big sparkling lake below and mountains in the distance. The sun hangs just above the horizon, where the sky is melting into shades of red and orange, creating a brilliant display worthy of a postcard.
"Wow," she says breathily, lacing her arm through mine. "It's just beautiful isn't it?"
I look out over the scenery, surveying the land for a moment, but my eyes are drawn to back to her, like they always are. Her rapt expression is illuminated by the golden light of the setting sun, wisps of white hair waving gently in the breeze around her face. "Yes," I murmur, "very beautiful."
She takes my hand and leads me to the edge. "Want to see it from way up high?" She grins and looks at me out of the corner of her eye.
"No thanks," I chuckle. "I am perfectly fine right here on the ground. Besides, Carol already showed me the scenery from way up high, if you remember, and it wasn't pretty."
"Oh yeah, forgot about that," she snorts.
"You go ahead, darlin'. I'll watch from here."
She shrugs and turns, tossing me a smile over her shoulder. "Suit yourself!"
She takes off like a shot towards the sky with a hoot of exhilaration, spreading her arms like wings as she soars high over the valley like an eagle. I can hear her screaming and laughing as she executes several spins in the air, then closes her arms to her sides and hovers for a moment, before beginning a supersonic dive towards the lake.
My stomach clenches as she accelerates towards the earth at breakneck speed. I know she'll be just fine, but I can't help the gut reaction. Just as she is about the hit the water, she quickly pulls out of her dive and shoots across the lake, just a foot above the surface. She reaches out and drags her hand through the water, causing a trail of spray in her wake. I can hear her laughing again, and it makes me smile. I can't remember the last time I saw Rogue this way, so free and full of joy.
She pulls up and flies toward the sky once more, spinning as she goes. Finally, she comes back to me and gracefully lands, smiling from ear to ear.
"Fun?" I ask her with a knowing smile.
"So fun!" She says, breathless with excitement. "You missed a wild ride, Logan."
"I'm fine with living vicariously through you, darlin'."
She laughs and smacks my ass. "Come on, fraidy cat, let's stay here and watch the sunset."
"Hey, now that's hittin' below the belt. I'm not a fraidy cat; I just choose not to be tortured via airborne antics."
She huffs at that, but can't hold back her smile. We take a seat at the edge of the rock, side by side, and she laces her arm in mine. She snuggles closer, seeking warmth from the cooling air as we enjoy the peaceful scene.
"You know what's weird? Before I met Carol, I used be nervous about flying," she says, gazing out over scenery.
"Really? You seem like a natural."
"Yeah, thanks to Carol. Before that you would never catch me on a plane. I remember once when I was a kid, my parents wanted us to go Florida for vacation. I was nervous, but my mom brushed it off as normal jitters before flying. Well, she was wrong. We got on that plane, and I couldn't control it...I totally freaked out. We got kicked off the plane and ended up having to drive to Florida. My parents were so mad."
"That's rough. Why were you so freaked out?"
"I don't know. This is going to sound stupid, but I always had this irrational fear that somehow the plane would get a hole in it, like from an explosion or something, and I would just be..." she moves her hand through the air, "...sucked out. Like a vacuum." A wistful note touches her voice. "I used to dream about it all the time. I'd get sucked out so fast, before I could grab onto something, before anyone could help me, and then I'd be free falling through the empty sky. It was a horrible, helpless feeling." She glances at me for a second, but quickly looks away, a little embarrassed. "I know, it's silly. The chances of that happening are slim to none. But I couldn't shake the feeling; it felt so real."
A weird pang settles in the pit of my stomach, and my eyes dart to her face, but she doesn't notice. I know exactly what she means, because I saw it happen to her once.
I can't help but remember the time we were in the Blackbird, trying to get away from those F-16s. This was in the old timeline, when the mansion was attacked and we fled to Bobby's parents' house in Boston. Bobby's douche bag brother called the cops on us, I got shot in the head, and by the time I woke up, the whole damn place was on fire. We managed to escape in the Blackbird thanks to Jean and Storm, but before we knew it those F-16s were already on our tail.
Rogue's dream is uncomfortably close to what happened that day. They shot two missiles at us; Jean was able to disable the one, but couldn't get to the other one in time. It exploded too close to the jet, ripping a hole in the roof. I will never forget that feeling of complete and utter helplessness as I watched Rogue get sucked out of the plane...the look of terror on her face as she reached out her hand and screamed...
"Logan?"
I blink my eyes. Rogue is watching me, looking a little concerned.
"Are you ok?" She asks, "You zoned out for a minute there."
"Um, yeah," I clear my throat, "I was just...I mean...I know how you feel. I have dreams like that, too." I give her a reassuring squeeze.
She watches me for another moment, then smiles, before resting her head on my shoulder and gazing out over the sunset again.
We watch the sun slowly sink below the horizon, the day melting into twilight.
"Look, it's the evening star," she says, pointing. "Make a wish, Logan!"
I give her a look, raising my eyebrow. "I don't believe in wishes and fairy tales, darlin'."
"Oh come on. It's just for fun, party pooper," she says with a smirk as she rolls her eyes.
"Wow. First I'm a fraidy cat, and now I'm a party pooper. You're calling me a lot of names tonight." I squint at her, pretending to be cranky.
"And you deserve those names," she says, poking me playfully.
"Hmph. I'm a man of action, darlin'. I don't make wishes, I take action and make things happen." I give her a satisfied grin.
"Ooo, so macho!" She laughs and snuggles up to me again. "Yeah, I hear you. Making wishes is kind of useless. But I'm gonna do it anyway. Sometimes, when you can't make things happen yourself, you just have to make a wish or a prayer, and hope that somewhere out there, God or the universe is willing to give you a hand."
She looks up, eyes fixed on the evening star, and recites the words under her breath. "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight."
She closes her eyes, the sweep of dark lashes against her skin visible in the waning light. Her lips move slightly, whispering so quietly that I can't make out what she's saying. After a moment, she opens her eyes and lets out a quiet sigh, resting her head on my shoulder again.
"What did you wish for?"
"I can't tell you that; otherwise it won't come true," she says softly.
We sit in silence for a moment.
"Maybe it will. You never know," I say.
She thinks about it for a moment, saying nothing.
"Maybe it will come true because you say it out loud. Maybe saying it out loud gives you the power to make it come true," I suggest.
She looks up at me, unsure. "You think I should take a page out of your book, right? Well, I'd love to take action and make things happen, but some things...some things aren't that easy."
I shrug. "Worth a shot. What do you have to lose? You can always make another wish tomorrow."
She turns it over in her mind for a moment, then nods slowly, staring at her feet. "Alright," she says quietly. "Well...I wish that..." she hesitates. "I wasn't so messed up inside. That I could just... let go, and be more open with you."
Her answer stuns me, and I look at her, at a loss for words. She keeps her eyes fixed downward.
"Thats...that's a good wish, darlin'," I manage to say finally. I wrap my arm around her, pulling her into my side. "A real good one."
"How to do I make it come true?" she whispers.
I kiss her head and think about it for a moment. "Baby steps. Don't try to get it all out at once and overwhelm yourself. Start small, and just pick one thing you'd like to tell me."
She remains quiet for a long moment, formulating her words. "I...I want to tell you about Remy."
I remain silent, trying to be still as my heart pounds in my chest, trying not to react to this small breakthrough. I can't believe she's about to voluntarily open up like this. She's so close, I don't want her to get spooked.
"I met him when I was young, not long after my mutation manifested," she begins, her voice a little shaky. "I was only 17 when I got my 'gift'." She pauses, attempting to steady her emotions. "My parents couldn't deal with it and kicked me out. It was devastating," she says, shaking her head. "Here I was, this naive teenage girl, and suddenly I had this horrible, strange new power; I didn't know what to do with it, and neither did they. I was confused and scared...trying to make sense of everything. And the people I depended on the most, the people that had loved and raised me...suddenly acted like they didn't know me at all. They just...tossed me out like trash..." Her voice trails off. She doesn't shed any tears, but I can smell the pain in the air around her.
She takes a steadying breath and straightens up a little. "I started hitchhiking north, thinking maybe I'd go to Alaska." She shrugs. "I don't know, it seemed like a good idea at the time...all the pictures I had seen looked so beautiful and pristine. Fresh air, fresh start, know what I mean?" She glances at me with a sad smile.
"I was living on the streets probably about 8 or 9 months, barely getting by...starving. Eventually I made it to Canada, but the further north I went, the more I discovered that it wasn't at all like how I pictured in my head. The weather was so cold...and so were the faces of everyone I met. My first night was spent in some hole called Laughlin City, hiding in the corner of a dank, smoky bar with a fight cage, surrounded by a bunch of stinky, drunk men. Not the best first impression," she snorts. "Even so, I wanted to stay. I don't know why. I think I was just...waiting for something." She lets out a huff, looking kind of embarrassed. "I don't know what I was waiting for...maybe I was hoping that my prince charming would finally show up and sweep my off my feet or something. Ha," she laughs. "There were definitely none of those in Laughlin City." She shakes her head, looking wistfully at the stars.
Her words are like a kick to my gut. She was there. She was there, and I wasn't. The thought of her sitting there alone...it tears me up inside. I should have been there to rescue her.
The worst part is, I know that I did eventually make it to Laughlin City at some point; the Professor said that was where they found "old me" in the new timeline. Same bar, same circumstances that drove her to hitchhike her way to Laughlin City...but my timing was off and I missed her.
"Anyways, I knew I wouldn't survive long there, so I started heading south again. I celebrated my 18th birthday alone, at a truck stop with a cheap cup of coffee and some saltines," she says, shaking her head in dismay. "Life was hard, and I had already found out pretty early on that no one helps a runaway girl without expecting something in return. So, I started picking pockets and using my powers to get what I needed. A quick brush of the hand, and I could pick up pin numbers, security codes to get into places and stay warm for the night. It took its toll, like it always does, but if I kept it short...well, the voices only echoed in my head for a few days before they faded, enough for me to put them away in the back of my brain. I was more than a thief of money and food; I was a thief of information. And that's how I met Remy..." She pauses and lets out a huff, smiling as she shakes her head. "He was going to be my next target, but he saw it coming a mile away and busted me before I had the chance."
Her expression softens with the memory. "He took me in...took care of me, taught me how to survive; gave me a warm place to stay, and even made me feel like I belonged to a new family of sorts. He made me feel...like a human again."
Fuck me. The Cajun prick took my place. Of all people, it had to be him; he was the one that saved her. He was the one to take care of her. Not me.
"I guess you could say that he was the Prince Charming I needed at the time. Handsome, chivalrous, and dashing, he was larger than life. God, I really idolized him when I was younger," she breathes. "But once I got to know him, that idolization eventually turned into real affection."
My hackles raise at her words. I'm beginning to wonder if I really do want to know what happened between her and LeBeau.
"We were thick as thieves, Remy and I. Pun intended," she smiles. "He was the leader of an underground organization that gathered intel for corporations and the military. And since I already had a knack for stealing information, he asked me to start helping him on his missions."
My eyes snap to hers. "He used you to spy for him? Even though he knew what using your powers would do to you?" I clench my fists in anger, my claws itching to spring. "That son of a bitch. He deserved that punch I gave him."
"It's ok, Logan," Rogue says, trying to reassure me.
"The fuck it is!" I retort. "He acted like he was helping you, but instead was actually taking advantage of you. No wonder you're always suspicious of people wanting to use you. No, it's not ok, Rogue."
She falls silent, having no retort for something she knows to be true. I can see the emotions at war behind those eyes, her feelings of attachment to LeBeau, wrestling with the knowledge that she was a young, desperate girl whose mutation was exploited by someone she trusted.
"You were being manipulated when you were at your most vulnerable," I tell her.
"Logan, I know how this must look," she says, touching my hand to calm me down. "But it wasn't like that."
I struggle to bite back the sarcasm in my voice, but I can't stop it from spilling out of my mouth like venom. "Really. So what was it like, then?" I scoff. "Don't tell me, you used each other, right?" I immediately regret my words, but it's too late.
She pulls back her hand and looks away, stung by my words. Her eyes gaze off into the distance, and she doesn't answer. I want to say something, anything to take away that hurt expression, but I'm stuck in a thick mire of anger, jealousy, and regret. "Sorry," is all I manage to say.
What the hell is the matter with me? She's trying so hard to open up to me, and I know if I keep reacting this way, it will just make her not want to do it again.
"He was there when I needed someone," she says quietly. "He wasn't perfect. But Lord knows I wasn't, either. I don't expect you to understand, Logan; you could say we used each other, in a way...but Remy and I...we were more than that."
I can see it in her face, hear it in her voice; she did love him after all. Even though he took advantage of her, he still managed to win her heart. The knowledge that she fell for him...could still have feelings for him, even though she denies it...it's like a punch to my heart.
I know Rogue wasn't lying to me intentionally when she said she didn't love him. But maybe she did love him at one time. Maybe things ended badly, and there's a history of hurt there...but I can't help the feeling that something still lingers between them.
"If you two were so close, tell me why were you so mad at him when you first saw him back at the mansion? I was there, Rogue, in the Professor's office. I saw the look of betrayal in your eyes."
She winces at the mention of betrayal.
"What happened? Did he...did he hurt you?"
She closes her eyes for a moment, saying nothing. A light breeze lifts a strand of her white hair, brushing it gently across her face. She finally turns to me, her eyes asking me not to make her explain. "It doesn't matter now, Logan. I know you want a reason to hate him...but whatever happened between Remy and I, good...or bad..." she says softly, "I'll never be able to forget what he did for me back then...back when I was just a mutant girl who had nothing."