I usedta wonder where I'd be when it came for me. Death. The ultimate surrender. The one thing I'd fought so hard to beat, first in the lab and then later in other places-places just as ugly. Fuck 'em. I wanted to live. Hell, who doesn't? But not many people want it as much as me. Not a whole lotta people are willin' to fight as hard, to endure the kinda hell that I have. Back then, each new day, each fuckin' painfully glorious sunrise was another day I won. Another day I beat them the only way I could-by livin'. By not lettin' that blissful blackness take me.
And believe me, there were times I was ready to let it. Those dark times-I think that's when I really became the Wolverine. I'd always been a mutant, but I think I wasn't that animal until then. And ya know what else? It wasn't 'cause it was somethin' they made me into. Hell, it wasn't for them at all. It was for me-somethin' that that came outta me to protect the man when he was too tired to keep on fightin', when he was hopin' and prayin' that each excruciatin' breath would be his last. Wolverine dragged his sorry ass through some of the worst shit imaginable and I've never been ashamed of that. The truth is I owe him and he knows it.
Those men in the lab, they took a lotta things from me. My past. My humanity. At times, even my sanity. I usedta think they'd taken my future too. I usedta think the things they'd taken I wasn't ever gonna get back. Truth is, somea that shit they took? It ain't gonna come back-and that's somethin' I just gotta deal with. That's a real hard thing to swallow for someone like me. I'm never gonna be that man I was before. I'm never gonna have that peace; memories that tie me to person or a place, somethin' to anchor me, to keep me from driftin'. I'm always gonna have the scars from what that place didta me. Just 'cause they healed don't mean I still don't see each and every one of 'em. They're mine. I earned 'em. The hard way.
I know I ain't the only man who's ever suffered. There ain't a man alive who hasn't been dealt a shitty hand at one time or another. Look at Slim. He has his past. He knows he had a home, people who loved him, a place he felt safe. He remembers his first car. His first kiss. His first fuck. The first time his mutation manifested. The first time someone saw him as a man not a boy. He might remember his childhood, but he's had his share of 'shitty' too. He's never gonna be able to look at the world and see anythin' but red. Never gonna be able to watch his woman without those damn ruby shades between them. Never gonna be able to hold her eyes when he comes so she can see what she doesta him deep down. Sometimes I wonder if that's why he hooked up with a 'path, so he can still make a deep connection-just in a different way.
Hmph. Sometimes thinkin' that way helps to put things in perspective. Sometimes it just pisses me off more. I know I ain't a nice person; a good person on occasion, maybe, but never nice. I got too much anger in me for that. Too much pain. It makes me restless. Unsettled. Makes me wanna just get in the wind and forget everythin' but the sound of my bike roarin' in my ears and the way the black of the highway looks disappearin' under my tires. Makes me wanna shout the fuckin' sky down for the unfairness of it all even while I'm crowin' that I took every last bit they dished out and I'm still standin'.
It makes me think, too. There's lotsa hours alone in the night for that kinda shit to just wear away at ya. Nights up north are cold and long. Hours of darkness that stretch on forever before sunrise comes to chase away the demons. I lived a lotta years with my head in a pretty dark place, thinkin' about livin', about dyin', about how it'd finally go down for me. I know I'm arrogant 'bout it. Fuck, why shouldn't I be? What the hell could the world do to me that hadn't already been done?
It was like some kinda fucked-up game I'd play with myself to pass the time in those long hours between sunset and sunrise. How would it end? Where would I be when I finally hadta give up the one game I never lost? Would anyone miss me? Would it be quick? Who would I be in those last moments? Logan? Wolverine? Would my Elysium be as good as I hoped it would?
I thought about it a lot, especially in the beginnin'-well, the beginnin' of the memories I have, anyway. Would it come when I was alone? Maybe in the forest huntin'... a mistake-overconfidence that'd make me the prey instead of the hunter. I could live with that. It'd be a natural death, bein' killed by somethin' in nature. A death I understood. Kill or be killed. Kinda one of the ones I took a shine too, I guess. Fittin'. One animal killin' another. My body and bones, the ones that ain't metal anyway, bein' swallowed back up by the forest. Yeah, that'd be real easy. Real peaceful. Fair.
Some ain't near as peaceful as that. Would it come when I was in the cage? Would I finally meet up with someone worse than me? I know there's someone out there who could put me down. There always is. Like that quote – 'There's always a bigger fish.' It's true. Maybe one day I'd walk inta that cage and never walk back out. Maybe I'd sense it in 'em and push 'em hard enough to make 'em take me down. Some nights, especially when things got bad, I hoped I'd meet him. Hoped I'd stand toe-to-toe with him and be man enough to hold my ground right up to the very end. I ain't a coward. Pain and I are old friends. I've always thought it'd be better to see it comin'. To meet death head-on instead of it sneakin' up on me.
The sneakin' up ones? Those're the ones that'd keep me up, even when my body was screamin' for rest. Would I see it comin' or would it just take me without any chance of meetin' it with dignity, with honor? Yeah, I got that in me. Pride too. Figure I earned it. I fought my fuckin' heart out, gave up chunks of my soul to be standin' here. I figure after all of that, death owes me one. I want to see it comin' and it better not be in some goddamn lab. I've had enough of scalpels and drugs. That combination? That'd do it eventually. Even for me. I ain't almighty, I'm just harder to kill than most-and those fuckers in the lab, they broke me right and tight. For a man who's got as much pride as me, it was a humblin' thing to walk with death the way I did back then. They left me nothin'-not even dignity, and that's somethin' I ain't ever gonna forget.
That's 'bout the worst I can imagine. I fought too hard the first time around for them to get a hold of me again, only to have death take me there. The way I figure it, death-that's the ultimate surrender, and I don't ever want those bastards to have that satisfaction outta me. Not ever. That's mine to give up, not theirs to take. I owe it to the Wolverine.
My death thoughts? They ain't always so gory. I usedta wonder if I couldn't drink myself to death. That wouldn't be such a bad way to go. At least I'd be warm. Feelin' a good buzz... then after, not feelin' much of anythin', just lettin' it all fade to black. I think maybe it'd work if I could somehow manage to keep on poisonin' myself with alcohol after I'd passed out, but once I hit that blackness and the drinkin' stops-well, the healin' factor kicks in, makin' everythin' good as new again. How I hate that fuckin' thing sometimes.
I usedta think that'd be one of the better ways to go, but I've seen a lotta shit in my time on the road. I've seen that death-seen men slumped in alleys and under bridges. I hope to Christ they went like I wanted to, all warm and no pain, but lookin' at 'em after-I didn't want that for me. Didn't want other people walkin' along and seein' me like that. Thinkin' 'hey, there's just another drunk who pissed away his life in the bottom of a bottle.' In the lab, they took my dignity. Now that I'm free, I ain't so willin' to give it up, even for an easy death.
I thought on other 'easy' ways, too. I usedta wonder sometimes if there wasn't some bug, some bacteria or virus or some shit that'd get to me that'd be too small for the healin' factor to intercept. It's a good theory, but one that really don't hold much water. I ain't ever been sick a single day in all the years I can remember. Not once. That wouldn't be so bad, though, slippin' off to sleep and just not wakin' up. 'Course, with my dreams bein' what they are, well, maybe that ain't the best way to go after all, but it sure as fuck beats dyin' in some lab, naked and strapped down while they cut inta me. At least the other way I'd probably be in a bed, covered and warm.
Heh. Beds. What man hasn't wondered what'd it be like to go in bed? 'Course, with the healin' factor, I don't really think fuckin' myself to death is an option, but, damn, what a way to go. I s'pose it ain't so much about the fuckin' that makes this option so appealin'. It's the idea of comfort, of not bein' alone in those last moments. I could go over real easy, real slow with a soft body under mine and my head restin' real peaceful on a warm breast, hearin' her heartbeat. Feelin' her stroke my back real gentle. Makin' me feel safe. Loved. It'd be ok to surrender to that. Ok for me to be weak just once with someone holdin' me like that.
'Course, if I was feelin' all that, I'd probably not be real keen on givin' it up anytime soon. Actually, it was a long time before I figured all that out. In the beginnin' this one was mostly about me hopin' death would take me while I was comin'-breathless', heart slammin' in my chest and blood poundin' between my legs and in my ears. Hopin' that maybe I'd have somethin' that felt good in those last moments. I've been at death's door more times than I can count, and all of 'em were painful. I think maybe this one was about just wantin' to get there once-just once-without it hurtin'.
Well, it was like that in the beginnin', anyway. I've been with lotsa women and any one of 'em would have worked for what I just described-a warm body under mine, makin' me feel good in those last moments. I've only met one woman who'd fit the bill for the first part of that. Only one who's ever made me feel safe. Loved. And that was when everythin' started changin'.
Oh, I still thought 'bout death, 'bout surrender, but never quite in the same way. Not from day one. Funny how a trip through a windshield can change a man's perspective. 'Course, that really wasn't what did it-it was that big, hairy motherfucker. Hell, I didn't even know her then and my first reaction had been protect Marie. To put myself between her and whatever I smelled hidin' in the woods. It was somethin' instinctive. I didn't even stop and question it. I just did it. Claws out and ready to go. Kill or be killed had become kill before somethin' kills her.
And just like that, everythin' changed.
To this day I can't tell ya why her. It's just somethin' that... is. She ain't the most sophisticated woman I ever met or the smartest or even the prettiest, but she's the only one-the only one-who's ever moved me that way. I ain't a stranger to instinct. Wolverine's got some pretty powerful ones, but that was the first time for me that blind instinct didn't put my safety first. 'Course, I didn't realize all that until later, until after I'd lit outta Westchester. That's when I realized things were different-that my experiences with her had somehow changed my ideas 'bout death and surrender.
It ain't surprisin' really, all things considered. I'm pretty hard to kill, but I touched Death several times in the few short days I knew her. First with Sabretooth, then later in my bedroom. I'd never had dreams like that. Not ever. Not until Jeannie started pokin' around in my head, stirrin' shit up. I fought those fuckers in the lab just as hard as I always had... only this time, when I came to, it was Marie impaled on my claws, not those assholes from the lab. I could feel her blood, hot and slippery on my knuckles where they were pressed up against her breast. There was no instinct then, just blind fuckin' panic. I remember shoutin' for help. What the fuck do I know about healin' other people? And then suddenly she touched me.
It was like the fuckin' world stopped.
And then I was rushin' into her. Just like before, I didn't even stop and think. She needed and I gave. Simple as that. I never even tried to fight her. Even as the man in me was kinda in awe that a death he hadn't even conceived of was gonna be the one to take him, I could hear the Wolverine growlin' in my head. Tellin' me to fix her. Tellin' her to take it all. To take us into her.
There it was again, that primal response to her, overridin' everythin', even the survival instinct that got me-got us-through the lab. Wolverine and me, we hung onto consciousness long enough to watch her walk outta our room that night. After, when we startin' convulsin' on the floor, we both kinda thought that was it. Surrender. But strangely enough, as we watched her walk away-healed-even though we thought death was comin' for us, all we felt was pride.
I felt like shit warmed over when I woke up from that. Marie? She packs one helluva punch. Wolverine was off somewhere lickin' his own wounds and I was alone with Chuck. I didn't know how messed up I was 'till I started talkin'. I still remember what I said to him. "I feel like she almost killed me." I can't begin to tell ya how many things are wrong with that statement.
First off, I don't go around tellin' people how I 'feel'. That just ain't me, bub. Secondly, I ain't in the habit of tellin' other people my weaknesses, let alone admittin' a girl was the one to put me down. Fuck off. That one touched my pride a little. And lastly, it's been a long fuckin' time since I felt 'almost killed'. Frankly, even though I thought about death a lot, I hadn't really been that close to it, not since the lab. For all that to come outta me just then, in the company of another man, a stranger-well, that spooked me.
Bad.
I still hadn't gotten my shit worked out when they took Marie. Before I knew it, I was zippin' myself into the leather and goin' after her. I wanted her back and I wanted a piece of them for darin' to take what was mine. I know that don't make a whole lotta sense, considerin' I hardly knew Marie back then, but sometimes instincts don't make sense, they just...are. And they were screamin' at me that she was mine. If I'd actually stopped and thought about it then, I'd probably have been appalled, but that whole night-I was runnin' more on instinct than anythin' else.
I walked into the Statue that night expectin' death to be there waitin' for me. This time, I wasn't plannin' on surrenderin' shit. If death took me, I was gonna go down swingin'. I hadn't wanted anythin' that bad since I'd fought for my life in the lab. Mystique, that dumb bitch, made the sorry mistake of pickin' my face when she attacked me. Heh. She was me and I got to be Death. I got to see what he sees when he stalks me. If anythin', it only made me less afraid. Once I'd seen that, seen myself from the other side, it only made things easier.
Death had no more secrets from me.
Sabretooth came next. Another brush with death for me, but this was one I understood. Kill or be killed. He challenged me. A male predator in his prime, a rival-and he was standin' between me and the woman I'd promised to protect. I stood toe-to-toe with him, with the bigger fish, and held my fuckin' ground. Hadta put the claws through my own chest to do it, but I did, and in the end, it was him that went down hard, not me.
When the Wolverine finally backed off, I found myself cuttin' Marie outta that damned machine. I guess he didn't know what to do just then. He'd fought so hard, body cut to bloody ribbons by Sabretooth's claws and soul ripped apart by the screams of his woman-screams that had stopped before he could get to her. When we cut her outta that thing, she wasn't breathin'. No pulse. No heartbeat. No spark. That just kinda broke him and he fell back, lettin' me take over. He'd never done that before and it scared the livin' shit outta me. He might have been a little confused, but I knew what we hadta do and he caught on pretty quick as I bit off the glove.
Instinct again. He surrendered, just like that. He was ready and so was I. I touched her face. It wasn't enough. Not for him and not for me. He nuzzled her face with his, tryin' to wake her, tryin' to make her take us in and I held her tighter, feelin' the tears I'd never shed for myself begin to fall for her. And then it happened.
And the fuckin' world stopped.
Pain and joy, desperation and hope and fear and elation. It slammed though us both and into her and we knew it was the end. We felt our cuts open. Felt our blood run, warm and slick, felt the darkness touch us. We heard her heart begin' to beat again and as we heard her draw in a breath that smelled of us and victory, we smiled and surrendered.
We woke up groggy, in pain, with another woman touchin' us. Neither of us liked that. He growled and grabbed her hand offa us. I grunted somethin' to her 'bout it ticklin' to blunt the severity of the Wolverine's immediate reaction to the touch of a woman who wasn't his mate. We were both confused. It wasn't what we had expected. We thought we'd wake in Elysium. In a place with no pain. In the place warriors went when they died. A place of peace. Paradise.
We did not expect to come to, only to find Jeannie standin' over us, touchin' us and natterin' on 'bout Marie. The truth is, Wolverine didn't really give a fuck and I wasn't really listenin'. I just told her the flat out truth. My heart belonged to someone else. As much as I wanted to give it to Marie, Death had already claimed it. It wasn't mine to give any longer. Or so I thought at the time.
Of course, eventually the drugs she'd given me to keep me down while I healed wore off. I felt like a fool when I realized our surrender hadn't bought us a one way ticket to Elysium like we thought. I felt like even more of a fool when it registered Jeannie'd taken my words the wrong way.
It was all too much. Too fast. I needed time to think. To process it all. To get the hell away from Marie before those fuckin' instincts of mine had me doin' somethin' I'd regret later. I knew two things. One, I needed to go somewhere and get my head on straight, and two, pushin' things with Marie wasn't a good idea.
Did I feel somethin' for her? Hell, yes. Did I know she felt somethin' for me? You bet your sweet ass I did. I've also been around the block enough times to know if I wanted somethin' real with her, somethin' lastin', I was gonna hafta wait. I knew she'd never even had a real boyfriend, let alone a lover. How many women do you know who settle down with their first serious boyfriend?
Yeah, thought so.
She needed time. She needed experience. She needed to make her own mistakes and learn how to fix 'em so she'd be ready for somethin' more, somethin' lastin' when the time was right. And as hard as it was for me to walk outta there, I gave her the time she needed. Three long years of it. Truth be told, I needed that time too. I didn't know it then, but those days with her, they changed me. It was months before I realized I'd stopped thinkin' so much about dyin' and had started thinkin' about livin'.
What's more, I realized surrenderin' to death was the easy part. It was surrenderin' to life that was hard. It took a little longer for me to realize that's exactly what I'd been doin' with her since day one. It didn't happen all at once. I surrendered a little of my distance when I met her eyes in that bar, and a little of my solitude, my freedom, when I let her in my truck. Surrendered my comfort when I turned up the heat so her hands would be warm. Surrendered my nourishment when I gave her my food, and my privacy when I gave her my name. Surrendered a bit of my trust when she gave me her name in return.
It wasn't long before little things became big things. I surrendered my life to her, not once, but several times over-at my hands, at hers, at Sabretooth's. If that ain't a clear indication of which way a man's heart lies, I don't know what is. You might think it'd stop there, but I just kept right on goin'. I surrendered my past as I wrapped her fingers around my tags and left without a backwards glance. I surrendered a good-sized piece of my pride, knowin' that while I was gone, other men would touch her. Kiss her. Maybe even make love to her.
That last one took a big chunk of my peace as well as my pride. Me and the Wolverine, we hated the idea of another man touchin' what was ours, but I knew I had a choice and I picked a shot at somethin' lastin' over instant gratification. Yeah, it's arrogant of me, but we all know I coulda had her then. She wanted me and she was mine. I was the one who chose to walk away from that because I knew one day I'd walk back into her life and surrender that part of me that needed to wander the open road, just as I knew I'd be surrenderin' my heart to her if she was ready to have it, and my future to her if she wanted it.
And three years almost to the very day, I walked back into her life and did exactly that.
Thinkin' back on it, hard as it was, we both needed that time. She gained experience and confidence in herself as a woman and I gained an appreciation for the things a real man is willin' to do for the woman he can see himself spendin' his life with. After three years of searchin', growin, and learnin' about love and surrender and sacrifice, we were ready to give somethin' lastin' a shot.
It worked.
And lookin' up at her right now, I know I'll be surrenderin' more than I ever have before this night is over. She's damn beautiful like that-ridin' me hard. Takin' me deep, just like I like. It ain't the first time we've done this, but it's the first time the tiny fingers diggin' into my shoulder are wearin' a ring I put there. And it's the first time there ain't any plastic between us. The feel of her, the scent of her, the thought of makin' a baby with her- it's drivin' me fuckin' wild.
I can't get close enough. Deep enough. I wanna devour her and crawl inside her all at the same time. It's raw and carnal and we're both sweaty and pantin'. She's holdin' my eyes now, lettin' me see what I do to her and I'm lettin' her see what she doesta me. Lettin' it all pour outta me, right into those dark, sexy eyes of hers and drinkin' her in just as deep. We're both shakin' and I know this is gonna be a real good one. I'm gonna give her everythin', gonna give her every last bit of myself, body, heart and soul...
And when it happened, the fuckin' world stopped.
In that moment, I surrendered everythin' I ever had to give her... and after, when we came back to ourselves and my head was on her breast and she was softly strokin' my back, I knew, without a single doubt, I'd never again need death to find my Elysium.