CHAPTER 4: Truth
It was slowly eating away at his sanity. Logan was on edge so often he thought it completely possible that Gumbo or Snowflake would end up at the business end of his claws at some point. They had a tendency to get on his nerves and on more than one occasion during practices, he’d imagined the sick satisfaction that would come of killing something...or someone. Jesus, he really was a monster.
But he couldn’t help it. Every time he watched her heal, watched that fucker’s mutation come to life inside her, his stomach would drop and his heart would end up in his throat. A physical testament to his emotional inner battle. He was at the same time bordering on terrifyingly scared and ecstatically happy. How the fuck was he managing that?
Three months and every time she got the hint of a scrape, a cut, a bruise...it would heal...instantly. And each time he saw it happen, he couldn’t help but hope it wouldn’t ever go away while being terrified that it wouldn’t.
It was a fucking Catch 22 is what it was. He was fucked if it did go away and fucked if it didn’t. This was going to kill him, slowly.
When McCoy and Moira sat them down and started talking in the most painfully slow and aggravating manner possible about Marie’s genetic code having changed, the realization that the healing wouldn’t fade hit him so hard he couldn’t even take a breath. His heart soared through the damn ceiling for just a second before reality came crashing down, leaving him wanting to fucking puke in self-loathing.
He couldn’t handle it. Before he had a chance to rethink the idea, his feet carried him out the door and his boiling rage at the situation came bursting out in a none too subtle way. He punched his claws through the school’s main hallway antique table.
Two of the little urchins, no more than fourteen or fifteen, had frozen in horror at his growling roar. When he’d slammed the front doors open so hard they bounced back off the walls, they’d scrambled in the opposite direction like the devil was biting at their heels.
He stomped off to the treeline and proceeded to hack away at an innocent pine with all the force he could muster, cursing so explicitly and loudly the children playing in the yard had stopped to openly stare. One of the boys, a basketball in hand, was so shocked at the level of profanity that the ball slipped through his fingers and bounced uselessly across the court.
Energy finally spent, anger turned into frustration and agonizing fear, he gripped the side of the ruined bark and let his head rest against it, his lungs heaving for air. His knees gave out and he landed on them roughly, staring at the grass directly in front of them. He let out a breath of defeat. That display hadn’t helped his nerves at all.
Figures.
He turned his head when he heard one of the frozen students shuffle their feet in uncertainty. He growled. Twenty kids ran in every which way direction. Finally alone, he grunted and heaved himself around, sitting with his back pressed against the mangled tree.
He felt pretty shitty for stalking out the way he had. He was going to have to go back down there soon and finish this conversation. There was too much they didn’t have answers for and Marie no doubt was going to need someone there for support.
Shit.
He banged the back of his head against the tree in realization. He’d messed up but good. She was probably down there right now trying to do this all by herself. He felt like a total piece of shit.
He stood and brushed off the grass and dirt from his jeans, already trying to come up with some half-decent apology. She probably wouldn’t be speaking to him any time soon.
When he made it back down to the lab, he was annoyed to find no one there. He hadn’t been gone for more than fifteen minutes. They couldn’t have already finished the entire damn conversation.
He took the time to smell out Marie’s scent and finally realized at the elevator that she must have gone back to their room. When he stepped off on the teacher’s floor, he found it confusing that Hank and Moira’s smell was just as strong as Marie’s, if not stronger. She must have gone up first and then they had, shortly after.
When the three scents met up with Storm’s right around the corner from his room, he was aggravated. Why were all their smells up here at once? It was the middle of the day and they should have all been at their respective classrooms or labs.
His ears picked up Marie’s voice just as he noticed his door was open.
“Hank, I said I’m fine.” Her voice was exasperated.
“Rogue, dear. This healing factor of yours is still quite unknown and I’m not willing to take the chance. Loss of consciousness is not something to take lightly...”
Logan found himself through their door before he could process anything he’d heard. One of the nightstand lamps lay shattered on the floor. “What the fuck happened?”
Marie’s startled eyes came up to meet his. Hank was hunkered down in front of her, a pressure cuff around her arm, furry blue fingers gently pressed to the pulse point on her wrist. Moira stood next to Storm.
Before she could stammer out any sort of reply, Storm cut in. “I heard a crashing sound when I came upstairs for my break. When I didn’t get a response from knocking at the door, I was worried and came in. Rogue was semi-conscious on the floor.”
“I said I was fine,” Marie grumbled. “Just a little upset about earlier. But she insisted on calling Hank and Mo...” She startled silently as Logan came down to kneel in front of her and take her face in one hand. “Logan. I’m fine.”
“Did you hurt yourself?” He asked automatically. “Falling, I mean.” He couldn’t smell any blood. So she hadn’t cut herself on the shards of glass scattered across the floor.
“No,” she answered quietly. “I must have knocked it over when I stumbled...” She sighed.
“You lost consciousness, Rogue,” Hank reprimanded. “Storm was quite correct in notifying us.”
“Is she sick?” Logan asked him in concern. It seemed like a stupid question, considering their most recent conversation.
“No,” Hank answered rudely. Logan blinked in shock. The fuck?
Moira cleared her throat. “We believe the stress of everything involved may have caused...”
“She suffered a panic attack, Logan,” Hank interrupted angrily. “The level of stress she is under is intense and her body reacted by hyperventilating.” He unhooked the cuff and shoved it in his bag. “I shouldn’t have let you go on your own, my dear. You didn’t look well. I should have known better. I do apologize.”
Logan stared openly at Hank. Was Hank pissed at him?
Hank went on. “The healing factor, as you are aware, Logan, only covers physical damage to the body. Rogue’s body was deprived of oxygen and she passed out. Luckily, she recovered quickly. But panic attacks are not a physical ailment, they are psychological. She must rest.”
He zipped up his bag and stood. “Perhaps you should stay and see to her mental well-being.”
Logan pointed a finger at the blue furball. “Listen here, bub...”
“Logan,” Marie said gently.
Logan clenched his jaw and held his tongue.
Moira cleared her throat. “We should be getting back downstairs.”
Storm, looking more confused than anything else quietly moved to the door. “Feel better soon, Rogue.”
“Thanks,” was Marie’s reply.
And with that, the three left the room. Logan let out an agitated breath.
Marie wrung her hands in nervousness. She looked a bit embarrassed, which was stupid. The only one who’d made a fool of himself was him. “Look. Marie...”
“Logan, I’m thinkin’ that this whole situation has to be pretty hard on you. And...” She swallowed with difficulty. “...I understand, you know, how angry you must be with me.”
“What the fuck are you talkin’ about, Marie?” This was unexpected.
She stood shakily. He reached out and steadied her arm. “You’re upset,” she said, a tiny crease forming between her brows as she frowned.
He gently smoothed it out with the pad of his thumb.
“Yeah, baby. I’m upset. But not at you. Jesus, don’t think like that.” He pulled her into his arms. “I’m a fuckin’ bastard for goin’ off like that.”
She nodded into his chest.
He snorted. “Freaked the hell outta me, that’s all. It ain’t got nothin’ to do with you.” He rolled his eyes. “Well, the anger doesn’t, anyway.”
She pulled away and looked up at him. “What’s goin’ on in that head of yours, Logan?” She sighed. “You’ve been so quiet...more than usual.”
He felt the fear clog his throat again. “Had some ideas....theories, I guess, that were aggravatin’ me.” He pulled away and walked across the room, arms crossed. “Got confirmed today.”
She eyed him. “...About the healin’?”
He nodded.
“You suspected,” she said plaintively. At his next nod, her brow scrunched again and her eyes closed in resignation.
He scrambled for words. “I didn’t know for sure. I didn’t even know what I was thinkin’, really, baby. It just...it was odd that it wasn’t goin’ away and the thought that it might not crossed my head and I didn’t know what to do with that.” She opened her eyes again to gaze at him. He grabbed the hand that she’d brought up to her mouth in agitation. “I got pretty upset about it. Wasn’t sure how to feel about it.”
She swallowed and looked a bit pale again. “It’s not like...I didn’t plan this.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Now he was the one wondering what was going on in her head.
“I’m pretty confused about all this. I don’t...” she sighed. “I’m feelin’ pretty insecure right now.”
Insecure? “‘Bout what?”
Her eyes opened a bit wider and she used a shaky hand to motion between the two of them. “About us, Logan.”
His head jerked back in surprise. “What the fuck for?”
She sat down on her desk chair. “You think I don’t know how much you wish this wasn’t happenin’? I’m scared to pieces you’re gonna run off at the thought of me bein’ around for...” she took a breath and stumbled over her words. “...a long time. That was never a part of the deal.”
He felt his hackles rise. “The fuckin’ deal is me havin’ you around as long as I can manage to keep ya,” he snapped. “You think I’m pissed off because I get to have you around indefinitely? I’d hoped you thought better of me than that, Marie.”
“I do,” she said quickly. “I’m just....completely lost here, Logan. I don’t even know how I feel about this.”
He tried to push down his hurt. After a few breaths he felt ready to face this...to tell her the truth. He knelt down in front of her, taking her small hands into his larger ones. “When we first...when I first knew I wanted you, needed you, it took me a bit to really decide what to do.” He didn’t look up at her. Instead, he focused on the soft skin of her palm, drawing small circles into it. “With my mutation, I’m pretty fuckin’ aware that I’m gonna be around for a pretty damn long time.”
She took a deep breath and he shook his head the slightest bit to cut her off. “I wanted you. I wanted to have a life with you. A normal one. One where I didn’t have to constantly be aware that the clock was tickin’. But I knew that wasn’t gonna happen. So I had to accept that I could have you, but lose you...eventually...one way or another.”
He looked up at her finally. She looked sick. “Logan...”
He kept on it. “I always wondered when you’d catch on to how hard it would be. You’d age and start seein’ how wrong I was for you, that I couldn’t give you a real life. But I didn’t care. I don’t care. I’d hang on as long as you let me and deal with losin’ you when that time came... ‘better to have loved and lost‘ and all that shit.” He snorted in self derision. “I’ve always been pretty delusional.”
She stroked his cheek, running her fingers through his mutton chops. “You’ve always been what I want, Logan.”
He smiled and placed his hand over the one she held to his face. “For now...but that could have changed. So easily. And then...Jesus, then you came back from that fuckin’ lab and I was just so damn happy you were alive and still you, I didn’t really think about it. This baby...all I could think about was how I’d always have a piece of you, even if it was only in our descendants. I was never gonna let that go. It was more than I ever thought possible.”
“When the healin’ didn’t go away...” His voice broke on the words. “I could barely breathe, baby. Do you have any idea what this means for me? You’re like me now. I get to keep you. Keep us for as long as I want.”
His hands were shaking. Fuck. This was getting to him. She was chewing on her lower lip and he had to get this next part out before he lost his damn nerve. “And I’m the biggest fuckin’ bastard for being so damn happy, baby. I’m such a bag of shit. ‘Cause this immortality thing? I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. That’s how goddamn hard it is. And here I am, wishin’ it won’t go away for you.”
And there it was. He waited as she continued to chew on her lip. Waited to hear her words of anger, of condemnation. But they didn’t come.
“Logan. I don’t see this as a curse. It’s a lot to take in, yes. But, I’m not alone. I have you. I can deal with this so long as I have you.”
She wasn’t seeing the complications. She wasn’t seeing how bad this would get. “Marie, baby. You’re gonna watch all your friends grow old and die. Everyone you know...” She nodded, looking for all the world like she’d already factored this in.
“You’ll watch our child grow old....and die.”
Her breath caught. And he hated himself for being the one to make her see what this life meant. But she had to understand what this ‘non-curse’ entailed.
“You’ll be put in situations where you wish you could give your life instead of someone else givin’ up theirs and not be able to. You’ll have lived a ‘full’ life while watching innocent children around you die. The guilt is crushin’, baby. It makes you question pretty much every part of your humanity.”
Tears were running down her face and he still needed to tell her more.
“Our baby. You’ll hope. Hope more than you can imagine, just like I have for you, that they’ll inherit my healin’. You’ll pray so hard that you’ll never have to watch them die. And you’ll realize what that would condemn them to. How many healers do you think there are? Do you have any idea how hard it is to let yourself love someone that’s gonna die on you? The chances of them findin’ what I did in you, somethin’ that’s worth that kind of pain? Not fuckin’ likely. And even if they do, they’ll be forced to watch them die and live out God only knows how many years without them. It’s an endless and painful cycle.”
She was crying in earnest now. He felt like such a dick. “I’m sorry, baby. I know it’s pretty soul crushin’. I’m sorry this is happenin’ to you.”
She shook her head, platinum streaks of hair falling across and sticking to her face. “No.” She took several deep breaths. “I’m not sorry.”
He blinked. Huh?
His confusion must have shown on his face. She looked pretty damn determined. “I’m not sorry,” she repeated. “I’ll never be sorry. I’ll never be sorry for bein’ the one thing that doesn’t die on you. This whole time...I’ve had you. I’ve walked around confident in the fact that you would be around and love me for the rest of my life. And you...you’ve never had that. I can give that to you now. I’ll never be sorry for you knowin’ you’re loved until your dyin’ day, whenever the hell that is.
He thought he might fuckin’ implode from the sheer emotional impact of her words. He couldn’t breathe, much less answer her. What the fuck had he done in the part of his life he couldn’t remember, personally hold the gun to Hitler’s head and pull the trigger? There was just no damn way he’d ever earned someone like Marie in the life he could remember.
He’d just about talked himself out. In the ten minutes since they’d been alone in the room, he’d spoken more words than he’d done in his whole remembered life. Jesus. With her words went all his ability to talk. He had the sudden urge to finish this conversation with action.
She squeaked in surprise when he launched himself up off the floor to kiss her for all he was worth. Her face in his hands, he pushed her back to the bed to show her what he couldn’t tell her.
As far as he was concerned, actions always did speak louder than words.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Ok...gonna try this AGAIN...I will succeed! I WILL!
Chapter End Notes:
I really hope this works.......reviews please!