“Some people say that I am going insane, but I
know that they are wrong, I've been there for a
long time.”
r13; Ron Person
PLANTING OF THE SEED
One day that’s all it took for my faηade of sanity and control to go spiraling out of control. It became more of an art rather than a science deceiving all the people I care about that I was ok, that the voices in my head were more of a temporary occurrence rather than the truth which was they become a piece of me. Being able to hide the truth from two telepaths and a feral was pretty fucking awesome in my book, but like all lies sooner or later the truth comes out.
Let’s just say it was a mission gone wrong. I followed the rules and stayed on the jet, I was the only one on the team that didn’t have a defensive ability, so the Alpha team (key word being Logan) didn’t want me out in the open fighting. I didn’t put up much of a fight when they asked me to stay, I just went through the motions a bit by rolling my eyes and huffing and puffing about how I was just as good as any other member of the team.
I learned long ago how to fly and manage the x-jet, so given the fact I was alone in the jet I didn’t have much to do other than checking the jet’s functionality. So it wouldn’t be considered an understatement that I was surprised a pair of strong arms grabbed me around my neck since most people don’t consciously try to touch me. With the training I had received I still couldn’t pry the grip around my neck, I was starting to see black spots behind my eyes due to lack of oxygen getting to my lungs. Not having much of a choice I pulled the gloves off my hands and quickly grabbed both wrist of the assailant.
Memories that weren’t mine started to flood into my mind; I could feel that I had this woman’s life in my hands. Feeling like I’d held on long enough I tried to release my hold on the woman, but something was wrong. It felt like a force field was rubber banding my hands to her wrists. This woman’s memories were becoming a swirling mess with my own, my childhood was merging with hers, and I was remembering things that never happened to me.
The last thing I clearly remember is Scott asking me if I was ok since I was huddled in the corner near the cots in the back crying over a dead body and gripping my hair in my hands. Scott’s words were slowly starting to drone as I lost consciousness, all I could hear was compendium of voices as my vision went black.
I would love to say this is a blackout and I won’t remember anything when I wake up similar to a drunken stupor, but when have I ever been that lucky. I can hear echoes of the conversations my friends try to get through to me in my comatose state, but I can’t respond to them. You want to know why I can’t respond because when I fell unconscious I never completely woke up. I was trapped in between reality and my own mind and I never knew what a horror show it was in there.
“I should never be left alone with
my mind for too long.”
r13; Libba Bray
ONE MONTH LATER
I can still hear people talking to me or at me, honestly I don’t even know if it’s directed to me anymore I just know they’re in the same vicinity. I found out the genius who attack me on the jet was a woman named Carol Danvers. How did I get this information you wonder? I know this because I am the one that killed her. Carol wasn’t the only visitor I had in here with me, Carol’s presence awoke every single persona I’d ever absorbed. Since my mutation manifested I had touched over 30 people 25 being mutants. With the professors help I was able lock them all away in my mind so I could stay sane. Yeah some plan that turned out to be. I was becoming claustrophobic with the group gather going on in my head.
Over the weeks I would periodically have moments of waking up in the lab, the stark white was refreshing compared the forbidding landscape that was now my prison. With my brief resurgences back into reality I would usually see the professor and Logan standing near my hospital bed. I still remember the first time I woke up I saw all of my friends in the room, looking at each of them I saw the stress and worry plastered on their faces it was so obvious it might as well be a giant neon billboard.
My concept of time wasn’t great but I had an idea on how long I was awake for, and it wasn’t for long. I was able to squeak out one hello to everyone, and before they could respond back with their relief at me finally waking up the darkness succumb me again.
“Time and I have quarreled. All hours are midnight now.
I had a clock and a watch, but I destroyed them both.
I could not bear the way they mocked me.”
r13; Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell
UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF TIME LATER
God only knows how much time has passed by since I absorbed all of Carol into me. The last time I woke seemed like decades ago, each time I awoke it seemed like something or someone always dragged me back. I remember when I used to see a dream like figure of the professor usually I saw him right before I would wake up. I started seeing less and less of his apparition though, I don’t know if it was because they stopped trying to wake me up or because I didn’t really care anymore. I know I wasn’t honest with myself before all this happened but I am now. I was going insane before Carol came along; she just changed the playing field.
Before Carol it’s funny how even though the name is different my life changed just like those alive Before Christ and After Christ. Well back to the point Before Carol my life consisted of lie after lie. It consisted of bestowing people with practiced smiles, committing to a man I didn’t even love, and smothering the personalities in my head to the point where I would have daily migraines from the effort to hold them back. After Carol came into my life it felt like a dam was released, and at first it felt like I was drowning from all the voices and characters I’d held back for so long.
When I finally embraced my situation I felt more at peace here than I ever did in the so-called real world. I could relate with everyone more than I could relate outside. I could do anything I wanted in here there were no limits no rules in this world. I don’t why I felt more comfortable with the personas in my head, maybe since I could see all of their darkest thoughts I felt there were no secrets, unlike the real people I knew they had their secrets and faηades.
The more time I spent here the more I learned from my companions. I learned military processes and procedure from Carol, which if I wanted to go back would be useful in reality. I learned not only medical terminology from Jean but I also learned self-administered first aid procedures. Gambit taught me how to be phenomenal thief. Storm taught me how to be an expert in reading body language. I could go on and on with the encyclopedia of knowledge I never knew I had. I didn’t only have one revelation though I had the revelation that I could create my own world here and I could be the hero I knew I was meant to be.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Story Notes:
I'm thinking this story is going to involve longer chapters so I can use less chapters to tell the story
Author's Chapter Notes:
well I'm warning you now I plan on going dark this this one. So how far down the rabbit hole do you really want to go.
Chapter End Notes:
next chapter we'll go deeper into Rogue's new reality