The first thought through my head when I saw her had been: "Was she home schooled?" The expression on her face as Storm—or Ms. Monroe as we called her then—assigned her the seat next to mine had reminded me of a child starting school for the first time; she had looked equal parts terrified and excited. I also remember thinking it was odd for her to be so completely covered. The only skin of hers I had been able to clearly see was her face. It was such a pretty face too—still is.
The day she arrived at the mansion was interesting to say the least. Whispers and curious glances from the students had followed her; the X-Men had rarely gone on a mission back then, and we were all wondering how she had been involved. We had also been extremely interested in the other new arrival: Wolverine. Rumors about him circulated as well. Apparently he had barged into a class completely naked, but I've learned not to trust rumors, especially from Jubilee. Now that I think about it… I think I would have preferred to meet him like that instead of the way I did. I should never have frozen his hand. Back then, I constantly tried to impress her.
We aren't as close as we once were, but that's to be expected.
A few months after the Alkali Lake disaster, we broke up.
It wasn't that we didn't care for one another, but it never seemed to be enough. More like I never seemed to be enough.
I saw the way she looked at Wolverine or Logan as she called him. He was the only one who could touch her freely. I never saw her flinch from his touch, and I resented them both for it. She wasn't ready to get close to me, and I told her as much when I realized it wouldn't work between us if she continued to keep me at a distance. She tried to deny it, wanting to spare my feelings, but I knew the truth even when I wished I didn't.
I had hoped that given time she would realize how well we fit together, but she moved on.
I'm glad to say that after a while so did I, but she will always be special to me. After all, she was my first love.
I loved the way she would smile and how that simple action would make others around her smile as well. I also loved the way she would sing when she thought no one could hear her. She sang off key, but her enthusiasm made it entertaining. Her accent was something I had a soft spot for. It faded as time went on, but a hint of it is still there. When she'd get angry or excited it would come back strong and her eyes would start to sparkle. Her eyes are beautiful.
I never told her I loved her. It would have frightened her; she wasn't ready to hear those words, but I think she knew by the way she would shy away from discussing our feelings too deeply. There are times when I miss being around her. I miss the carefree way we would be with one another, too absorbed in our world to be bothered by the troubles around us.
We were different people then. Since our time together we have grown, matured, and learned quickly that life outside the mansion walls would never be pretty for us while we remained idle. The prospect of joining the X-team had been exciting, but once we learned there was more to being a hero than just glory and the chance to kick ass, we were forced to truly understand the responsibilities and sacrifices that would come from joining the team.
"Do you think what we're doing is worth it?"
"What do you mean, Bobby?"
"We've lost so much on this mission alone. Sure, what the Professor has going here is noble, but there's always a cost. Are you sure we aren't just reaching for something that's impossible?"
"No, I'm not, but we can't think like that. We need to try or else living in a better world will only ever be a dream. I never wanted to lose Dr. Grey, but we need to keep going. She made her choice, and it was made in order to give us all the chance to make a difference."
"I just don't know if I'm strong enough to make a difference."
"You are. I know you, and you are one of the most compassionate people I know. You hate seeing others in distress. You're a good guy. You wouldn't be able to stand by and watch even if you wanted to."
"That's true."
"Of course it is."
She was right. I couldn't just sit back and hope someone else took the responsibility out of my hands. I had to make a difference, so I joined the team—we both did.
We have a different dynamic as teammates now. Our relationship is more professional, restricted to missions and training, but underneath it all there's still trace of the friendship we shared. If I ever need someone to talk to I know I can go to her. It constantly surprises me how well she knows me. Part of it comes from absorbing me through our kiss.
I don't think I'll ever forget that kiss…
After our breakup, there were times when I'd fantasize about it. I'd imagine there had never been the agonizing pull of her mutation. We had both been scared when it happened. It doesn't seem right for our first kiss to be tainted with fear. Well, at least I got a kiss that was amazing while it lasted. Not many people—actually, there are only two others—can say they kissed her, mutation and all, but it won't happen again. Now, I have someone else to kiss, and the fantasies have faded to a memory, a memory of an easier time.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
"Once you start asking questions, innocence is gone."
Mary Astor
Mary Astor
Chapter End Notes:
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