Chapter the Fifth
I was cold; it was raining. My legs were covered with mud as I shuffled along. Dogs were barking and thunder rumbled in the distanced. I was scared. Why was I scared?
I was in a crowd of people. We were being ushered somewhere. I was confused. I huddled closer to my parents. I looked to my mother and she gave me a brief smile. Warmth filled me, spreading to my frozen limbs.
I looked over and saw men moving heavy bags. What was going on? Where was I? I looked closer, squinting my eyes and saw blue numbers burned into their pale skin.
There was a commotion up ahead. The severe, emotionless men in uniform were separating people. I huddled closer to my father. The uniformed men approached, pulling me away from my parents. I walked away, in shock. My parents. Why were they leaving? My mother began screaming. Hot, angry tears filled my eyes, spilling over. I shakily stumbled over to some bricks and sat down. I was losing my parents. I was losing my parents. My mother screamed and fought for me. My mother was fighting, I couldn’t just sit here! I pushed myself from the wall, trying to get back to her. But the gates were closing. Big, wicked metal gates, looming over me.
A guard began pulling me back, but something else pulled at me. I felt it, calling to me. I reached out, trying to get closer to the indefinable, confusing, familiar thing that pulled me. It called me, the siren, and I reached for it. More guards came, restraining me. Our feet began sliding in the mud. I was winning. I could reach my parents if I just tried hard enough. The thing hummed, I felt it beneath my fingers. If I could just reach it, my parents would come back. That single thought filled my mind, overwhelmed me. If I just kept pulling, I could reach them.
Suddenly, the hands were no longer restraining me but shaking me.
“Marie! Marie, please, wake up!”
“Nein! Nein! Meinen Eltern!! Lass mich los!” I struggled in my captor’s grasp, sobs wracking my body.
“Marie, darlin’, you’re having a nightmare. Come on, Marie, wake up.”
Tears were streaming down my face, burning paths down my cheeks. I couldn’t lose them. I fought.
“Marie, it’s okay, come on, it’s okay,” a voice was saying. It sounded familiar. It soothed me. I suddenly realized it wasn’t raining anymore. I was inside. I looked around, confusion pushing aside the fear.
“Logan?” I asked, brokenly, hesitantly.
“Yeah, darlin’, it’s me.”
“What, what are you doing?” I managed between the tears.
“You were having a nightmare, Marie, and I woke you up,” he replied gently, holding me.
Marie. My name is Marie. Not Erik. I remembered who I was.
“You can let go now. I’m awake,” I said, rather coldly. I was so ashamed. Logan had seen me face another nightmare. I had lost who I was for a while. The nightmare faded and I was fully awake.
He released me, a pained look in his eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I ground out. “Just give me space.” He backed across to his bed, sitting down heavily. I guess Logan always sits down heavily, what with the adamantium. I began to giggle a little.
“Marie?” Logan asked, confused.
Right. Let’s not get hysterical. “I’m fine Logan, really. Just a little... you shouldn’t wake me like that.”
“You weren’t listening to me so I had to shake you to get your attention. What was I supposed to do?” he challenged.
“I don’t know, just, don’t risk yourself next time, okay? Let the nightmare finish and I’ll just wake up on my own.”
“I’m not going to agree to that,” he quietly said.
I sighed, “Look, let’s drop this for now. I’m hungry. Where’s my breakfast in bed?” There, levity. Hopefully that will repair the situation and distract him.
For a second I didn’t think he would listen to me, but he rubbed his face and seemed to resign himself to the loss of that particular topic. With an effort, he grinned to match my change of moods, “No breakfast in bed. I cooked yesterday so I say it’s your turn.”
“This is a crappy hotel, Logan. How do you expect me to make breakfast?”
His attempted smile changed into a genuine one. “That’s your problem.”
I threw my pillow at him. “It’s too early for this,” I groaned as I rolled out of bed.
“Seven o’clock in the morning is not early.”
“Whatever, Mr. Obscenely-Chipper-For-This-Hour-Of-The-Day. I’ll be in the bathroom.”
I grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom, locking the door. After splashing some cold water on my face, I looked into my reflection. I was pale, a sheen of sweat covering my face. I needed to check on Marie.
_____________
I easily slid into my mind, hurrying through the twisted passages. I ran down the winding corridors, skidding around corners, limbs flying. I finally reached the center, worried that I didn’t hear anything from Marie.
I found her, curled up in the center of dead flowers and brown grass. She shook as silent sobs wracked her body. My Marie! I ran to her, dropping to the ground beside her, pulling her close.
“Marie, honey, please don’t cry,” I begged. “Let me help you.”
“Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me!” she cried.
“I’m right here. Not going anywhere.”
“I’m so scared,” she whispered. She huddled closer to me, still haunted by the feeling of abandonment, of powerlessness, of failure. She sobbed and sobbed and I held her. It seemed like she was calming down when she got angry.
“Why?!” she demanded. “It’s not even mine!” Tears streamed down her face. She fought against my arms. “It’s not fair!”
“I know, I know,” I murmured as I rocked her, not minding if she punched me in her bitter anger and fear. It’s not her fault she has to suffer these violations. I should have protected her against the intrusion. I had failed her. It’s so hard, keeping the other personalities at bay during the day that things are bound to slip at night. I’m so exhausted. But I have to be brave for Marie.
“Being angry isn’t going to help, Marie,” I gently told her, holding her arms down.
“Well it should,” she mumbled as she leaned against me.
“You going to be okay?”
She looked at me like I was an idiot.
I rolled my eyes, “Can we go on with our day or should I stay here longer?” I clarified.
She hesitated, eyes big with remembered fear. Then she steeled herself, “Go on. I’ll be fine.”
I slowly unwound from her, wiping her last tears away. I cupped her face, looking her sternly in the eyes. “You call if you need anything, you hear? I’ll be here in an instant. I’ll always be here for you.”
She nodded and I stood up. “Why don’t you work on fixing the garden? Maybe it’ll help get your mind off of things.”
She looked around at the crumpled, dried leaves, the wilted flowers, the twisted, broken stems. “I suppose so.”
I left her there, cleaning up the garden. I followed the zigzag path out of the maze. I was worried about leaving her like this. What if the next time she didn’t survive the violation by another psyche? She’s so fragile, a crystalline figurine that must be handled delicately. Put too much pressure on it and it shatters. I can’t let Marie shatter. She belongs here. She deserves to inhabit this space fully but instead she’s forced to share. To live every day hiding in her own mind. She deserves better.
I looked back, seeing only the jagged edges of the walls. Should I go back? She might need me.
No, I have to go back to reality. Logan’s probably wondering where I am.
___________________
I came out of the bathroom, ready for the day. “It’ll have to be a cold breakfast,” I told Logan, picking up our previous conversation. “Unless you want me to microwave something?” I asked tentatively.
“Nah,” he smiled, “I was just joking. But next time we camp, you will be cooking.”
“Okay. Mind if I ask you something?”
“Sure?”
“Why are you so chipper? You complained when I wanted to get up to watch the sun rise over the falls but now you’re all... awake.”
His expression darkened. “Been up for a while.”
“Oh.” I dropped the subject. “So... breakfast?”
“My treat.”
_____________
We’d been driving for a few hours in companionable silence when Logan broke it.
“You need a break from driving?”
“No, I’m good. Do you mind if we stop at a park? I want to explore a little. If I just drove straight to Alaska, it wouldn’t be that fun.” It wouldn’t be meaningful.
“I got nothing against the idea. What’ll we be doing?”
“Just some hiking, exploring. I’ve never been so I don’t know,” I teased.
“Wake me when we get there, I’m going to take a nap,” Logan replied.
He probably didn’t get that much sleep last night so I didn’t object. I just drove.
___________
We got to Whiteshell Provincial Park late in the afternoon. I checked out various activities that we could do and pointed to a museum.
“Do you mind if we check out the museum? I’m interested in how the land formed,” I asked tentatively.
He looked horrified and leaned over my shoulder to read about it.
“Aha!” he triumphantly pointed to some print I hadn’t noticed.
Open during the summer.
“I guess you don’t have to,” I turned to smile at him. His face was way too close and I jumped back. My heart was hammering. I took some deep breaths, trying to calm myself. We hadn’t had an accident. It was okay.
Logan realized his mistake and stepped back, giving me space.
“You know I’m not scared, Marie. I trust you,” he reassured me.
“I know. I just, I feel like a broken record but I don’t want any accidents.”
“I understand,” he said quietly. “Now, how about a hike?”
We walked through the forest, the sounds of the leaves rustling and branches swaying, animals moving through the underbrush filling our ears. The wilderness called to me and I inhaled deeply, enjoying the sharp scent of the pine trees.
We walked in silence. I looked up to Logan, who was ahead of me. He seemed made to be in the forest. He seemed so at home here.
Without thinking, I blurted out, “Do you want to camp here tonight?”
He turned to face me, “You sure? It means you’ll have to cook,” he grinned.
“Yeah, I’m sure. You just look so... peaceful here.”
He paused, apparently thinking about what I had said. He shook himself from his ponderings.
“Let’s go get a campsite.”
______________
I helped Logan set up the tent as dusk began to fall. Then Logan got the fire going and we sat beside it, eating dinner.
“Hey Logan?”
“Yeah, kid?”
“Can we make s’mores?”
He laughed, “It’s your trip.”
I got out the marshmallows and asked, “Could you get the sticks? You see better in this light.”
He complied and soon we were roasting marshmallows.
“You ever do this before?” I asked, pulling my marshmallow off the stick.
He chuckled, “Kid, my camping was a little different.”
“What was it like?” I chewed on my s’more.
“Lonelier. But at the same time, I didn’t feel alone. It felt right.” He seemed thoughtful.
I stopped eating and paused, “Do you regret coming with me?”
“Nah. Wouldn’t have been doing anything better at the mansion.”
I sighed and looked up at the stars, s’more forgotten. “They’re so beautiful,” I murmured.
Logan pulled out a blanket and spread it out on the ground. “Come here,” he ordered.
I walked over and we reclined on the blanket, staring up at the stars. The stars twinkled and winked at us, pinned up in the black velvet of the sky.
“There’s Cassiopeia,” Logan pointed up.
“Where?” I asked.
“She kind of looks like a ‘w’.”
“Oh, yeah. I see it.” I studied Cassiopeia. “I wonder what she did to get stuck in the sky,” I mused.
“Tried to sacrifice her daughter.”
I turned to Logan, “Really? Do you know the story?”
Logan encouraged me to come closer, “I’ll tell you a bedtime story.” He grinned.
I hesitantly laid my head on his chest and snuggled closer, double checking any exposed skin. He waited for me to relax and then launched into the tale.
“Cassiopeia bragged that she was more beautiful than the Nereids --”
“The what?”
“Sea nymphs. Now do you want to hear the story or interrupt me?”
I giggled. “Go on.”
“So, before I was so rudely interrupted by some kid, I was saying that Cassiopeia was bragging. Now, Poseidon didn’t take kindly to Cassiopeia bragging that she was hotter than his daughters so he sent a sea monster, Cetus, to ravage the coast of her kingdom. Her husband, Cepheus, went to the Oracle at Delphi to discover what he could do to kill the damn thing. The Oracle said he had to sacrifice his virginal daughter, Andromeda.”
“A virgin sacrifice, really?”
“It’s the thing to do in these situations,” he said, gravely. “Now, Cepheus didn’t want to sacrifice his daughter but he had a kingdom to think of so he chained her, naked, to a rock.”
“Was it really necessary for her to be naked?”
“They’re Greek. Anyway, before Cetus could eat this delicious virgin morsel, Perseus came along and killed the monster and rescued Andromeda. They got married and lived somewhat happily ever after.”
“Somewhat?”
“Well there was a fight at the wedding and someone ended up being turned to stone.”
“Ah. So why is Cassiopeia in the sky if she was bragging?”
“Well they put her in the sky upside down to embarrass her.”
“Oh. That’s pretty harsh. Eternal embarrassment for some bragging.”
“That’s what you get when you insult powerful people.”
We lapsed into silence. I listened to Logan’s heart beat against my cheek. I felt safe. After what seemed like a comfortable eternity, I began to shiver. Logan noticed.
“Come on, darlin’, into the tent.”
____________
I was curled up in my sleeping bag, trying to fall asleep. It was not an easy task. I couldn’t sleep until I stopped thinking, but every time I tried to relax my vigilance my mind would drift to destructive, depressing thoughts. It was a conundrum. I felt so tired. Drained. I work incredibly hard to keep some sense of self. I may have locked the psyches away but I felt their constant presence. The never-ending battle to keep them contained. But that’s why I set out on this trip. To try to get away from this struggle. I had to keep trying. Eventually my mind faded to blissful nothingness.
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