“Go on back to bed Logan, ah’m fahn.”
Rogue held onto what pride she had left and sent him back downstairs. But he wasn’t leaving… So, she got up out of bed and held open her busted door. She moved to lean up against the damaged door frame.
“Please go back ta bed Logan, ah’m tired.”
“We’re gonna have to talk sometime, Rogue.”
“Ah know but, raht now ain’t the tahm.”
She saw his shoulders sag; she could see his disappointment, and he stood to leave. She was immediately torn between making him go and letting him stay in bed with her for the rest of the darkness. Her heart reminded her of what he had done and more pain made her stand firm. He finally walked out of her room and she listened for his footsteps down to the last step, because she counted them, just to make sure he was downstairs. She closed the door and moved the dresser in front of the busted door frame for what little privacy she could get. Rogue sighed and moved back to the bed. She flopped down on the semi warm sheet and wondered if she should make Logan leave the cabin; to get more time alone to deal with her pain. Her brain screamed that it was too much to process and so she decided to go back to sleep. She laid back and brought her feet up as she pulled up the covers.
Once Logan made it off the last step, he heard a piece of heavy furniture as it moved across the floor. He knew she was shutting him out, literally, emotionally and physically. He was back at square one. He wondered if he should stay. She was obviously in pain and his presence seemed to be annoying her. But something inside him told him to stay and work it out. The man wanted to love and comfort the injuries the animal caused away but, the animal wanted to claim her and show her that he was in control. Ultimately, both were wrong in their approach to how to fix the situation. Rogue’s pain pulled on his heartstrings the longer he stayed, driving him crazy. Out of the blue, he got the feeling that he had to get out of there. The walls seemed to be collapsing and he couldn’t breathe. The animal began to tell him to run as the fight or flight instinct began to flare. He had to run. Logan moved to the couch and put his boots on his socked feet. He grabbed his jacket on his way out the door…
Logan stepped off the porch and broke into a dead run, his mind a whirlpool of emotions. The anger at what the animal had done was the most overwhelming emotion but, there were others there scratching to get up to the level his anger was at. Then anger at him began to set in; anger that he hadn’t stayed at the school long enough to be there when the cure’s failure was announced. Anger, that he hadn’t spent more time talking to Rogue about her decision to get the cure. Anger, that he hadn’t come right out and given her examples of how he knew what she was going through, been where she was headed. Anger, that he hadn’t taken the time to prove to her that there were a few ways around her mutation. Logan left in the pre-dawn darkness and ran out into the surrounding woods around the cabin, in a northwesterly direction. He ran until his lungs burned from the coldness, the speed at which he inhaled, and exhaled. He stopped and he felt his mutation erase the pain. Once deep into the forest he began mutilating trees. Small or large, didn’t matter. A kind of self-torture… Relishing in the blood loss and pain the animal had caused him, as if he deserved it, and at the time he felt like he did.
When he tired, he flopped down on a freshly fallen log and cried, released his emotions. He felt broken and so unworthy of anything Rogue chose to give him, in the past and the present. Unworthy of anything anyone ever gave him; that was why being a loner worked. The payoff that he got out of being one was that he didn’t have to love, feel, and form attachments. He could stay in a perpetual wilderness of numb. The animal took the man’s voice and he howled, because the animal finally realized what he had done to his mate. If there still was a future… With her, he had to take the chance and risk everything in him to win her back.
Rogue was lying in bed looking at the ceiling, trying to count sheep backwards, when heard the sound. The cabin’s front door slammed and she waited to hear the engine of his truck start up so that she could judge him unworthy of her affection. But, it didn’t come…
‘Where was he goin’?’ She thought as she lay in bed.
Curious, she got up and went to the bedroom window. She just barely made Logan out in the moonlight as she saw him disappear into the trees. He was running again… To where, she had no idea. She felt sadness wash over her and she decided to go back to bed once more. There was no use in staying up for the rest of the night waiting for Logan to return. It would only keep her tired and she needed all the energy she could muster to help her get through the next few days. Rogue crawled back in between the sheets again and before her head hit the pillow she worried if he would stay when he came back. If he didn’t, well then, there was her answer. If he stayed, then maybe she’d give the man one more shot. After her decision was when she heard the blood chilling and sorrow filled howl through the window.
Rogue heard the pain in that howl and somewhere deep down it pulled on her heartstrings. Suddenly, she had an imaginary angel Rogue dressed in an all-white X-Men uniform, complete with a halo, on her shoulder. She turned her head naturally and saw a devil Rogue dressed in an all-red X-Men uniform, complete with horns, and a tail. No pitchfork.
“Great, now ah’m seein’ things.”
‘Pain is good. He hurt you, we should make him pay for what he’s done,’ the devil Rogue began.
‘Can’t you hear? He’s hurtin’ inside. You should go to him, be his friend.’
“Ah can’t,” Rogue protested.
‘Leave her alone, she’s the injured party here, not him.’
‘How long will you make him suffer? It won’t make you feel any bettah, ah promise you that.’
‘Ah beg to differ, Miss Prissy Pants. We’re feelin’ just fahn.’
‘You know we love him, deep down. How long will you hurt the man we love?’
“Ah don’t wanna hurt him, really, ah just…”
‘You do, you want him to hurt. You remember how bad our face felt?’
“Yeah, so?” Rogue answered.
‘He needs to feel lahk that.’
‘But Logan suffers because of the Wolverine every day,’ the angel Rogue pleaded.
Rogue had to take a few moments to think. The angel Rogue was right. She heard a pounding thud in her head from behind the door she had Logan in her mind locked behind.
‘Don’t let him out. Don’t let him win,’ devil Rogue pleaded.
The more she thought about what angel Rogue had to say, her heart was changing. He had gone through so much pain already… And then she remembered the promise she made to herself once she found out he had been in a lab. She wanted to be there for him to prove to him that he wasn’t the animal they all perceived him to be. Rogue realized that even though he hurt her, she needed to be there for him. After all, it was partially her fault she got attacked to begin with; she had to admit to herself. She should have known better. Once she made the decision to talk with him in the morning, exhausted, she went back to sleep.
In the morning, when the sun hit her face like a bright flashlight beam, Rogue woke up. She yawned and realized that she felt like a Mack truck had hit her last night. She threw back the covers and swung her legs off the bed before she sat up. Her head immediately began to pound, like Native American tribesmen on handmade drums during a war or rain chant. She took a few minutes to breathe before trying to stand on her own. When she did, she passed out, fell because she got up too fast. A few minutes later, she awoke on the floor, she wondered where Logan was. Surely, he would have heard her fall and came running right away but, it was quiet downstairs.
“Shit,” she said as she pushed her torso up by her arms and sat up; her arms hurt and her body let her know that falling wasn’t a good idea.
She got up, completed her morning necessities, changed her clothes, and went downstairs. Logan wasn’t on the couch in front of the fireplace where she hoped he would be. She worried that there was a chance that Logan might have left after what she heard last night. When she opened the front door and saw his truck, she let out a breath she wasn’t aware she’d been holding. His truck was still in the driveway but, where was he?
Logan slipped down from the log, sat on his ass in front of it, and went to sleep with his head back against the now slowly decaying tree he’d cut down. In his sleep, Logan began to dream… The animal copy of himself appeared before him in his dream; he was lying down on a flat rock atop a grassy knoll. He had a freshly cut, brand new Cuban cigar in his mouth; his hands behind his head and his head towards the sky.
‘Gotta get back to matin’ basics…’ Wolverine told Logan in his head as he started a conversation, between animal and man.
‘Uh, I don’t think she’s gonna wanna mate with me, much less you right now, Bub… And those are?’ Logan curiously asked in thought after a pause to process.
‘Fire, shelter, food, and water. Gotta prove that we can provide for her.’
‘Move over,’ Logan said before he sat down on the rock next to himself.
He patiently listened to the Wolverine giving advice. He told him that he needed to prove that he could provide stability, security for her. Build her a fire and she would know that you can keep her warm. Feed her and she would see her place in your pack. Take care of her and she would see that you want to protect her as you would if you were her mate. Show her that you do care for her, that she does mean something to you and she might be able to let us back into her life. Logan had to admit, the animal did make sense.
‘You gotta behave. I can’t try to regain her trust if you take over.’
‘I can’t promise I will. I’ll try harder. But you know when I get a whiff of her juices, all bets are off.’
‘No, I have to stay in control.’
‘All right, now that we want her as our mate, I will tone it down but, if she calls my name, I’m there.’
‘Deal.’
Logan didn’t understand why he suddenly felt like he made a deal with Satan. He watched the animal disappear and then he moved on to better dreams of Rogue.
A ray of sun brightly shining on his face, made his eyes crack open.
“Rogue,” he said as he figured that he was no longer sleeping.
She was the first thought on his mind as she had also been the last, last night. He sat up so that he could get the sun out of his eyes and then he rolled his shoulders; he easily popped his neck. He stood and looked around at the damage he’d caused the night before. Whew, they’d have plenty of firewood if they couldn’t resolve their problems by the start of winter. Then he remembered what he had dreamed the night before. Logan remembered that he needed to stand up for himself. He was in control now, not the animal. He recalled his purpose for being there in the first place. He needed to apologize as the man again, without hurting Rogue again. He needed to apologize as the animal. He needed to pamper her without being too saccharine, not overly obvious. He needed to get her to let out the emotions he knew she was holding inside. They would poison any future with her if he couldn’t get her to let go. He needed to start building some kind of trust.
Back in the cabin, Rogue debated building a fire to cut the chill in the room or going out to find Logan over a mug filled with coffee, cream, a teaspoon of sugar, and a couple fingers worth of liquid courage from Xavier’s liquor cabinet in the living room. She turned and leaned on the kitchen counter as she took another sip of coffee. Suddenly, the door burst open and here came Logan carrying an abundant arm load of wood inside. He kicked the door closed behind him and carried the wood to the fireplace. Out of the blue, without asking he just started stacking the wood on the wrought iron grill. Without acknowledging him, she poured him a cup of coffee and fixed it how he liked it. Rogue moved from the counter and closer to the couch in front of said fireplace. She watched as he lit the newspaper roll he had pulled from his back pocket and used it under the grill to ignite the bark of the wood he’d stacked. Then when the logs began to catch fire, she watched his face glow with the light from the growing fire. She studied the left side of his face.
He looked tired, more haggard than she’d ever seen him; which seemed pretty impossible for someone that didn’t age. His beard had grown thicker and his hair looked like a bird’s nest. Rogue realized that he must have had a rough night. A startling thought crossed her mind. He looked lost… The moment broke as he stood and turned towards her. She handed him the cup of coffee and he thanked her before he brought his heavy frame to the couch. A long uncomfortable pause hung between them.
Logan had stopped in his camper to change his clothing. A fresh undershirt, flannel over shirt, and jeans. He caught a glimpse of his hair in the mirror on the way out. The animal approved of the disheveled look. Then he opened up the cab, grabbed an old newspaper from the seat, and tucked it in his left back pocket. It didn’t take him long to gather a super amount of wood. He burst his way in by kicking the door latch open. He headed right for the fireplace. His nose caught the scent of Rogue and coffee as he set up the logs to burn. Her scent and the scent of the coffee grew stronger and he knew she moved closer towards him. Logan hoped that she would be open to talking with him after he barged in on her last night after her nightmare. He built the fire and the animal wondered if he might catch a whiff of her arousal if she watched him any longer from the couch. Yes, he knew she was watching him and so he paused just a little longer before he decided to join her.
“Thanks,” he said as he took the mug filled with coffee from her.
He took a seat next to her, but not so close to scare her away. He savored his first sip of coffee and how she made it just right. Oddly, he couldn’t think of anything to say right then in the moment. A good half an hour passed by before Rogue broke the silence finally spoke.
“Where’d you go last naht?”
“Out… I needed to let off some steam,” he said as truthfully as he honestly could.
Telling the truth now for Logan seemed impossible, but because he broke the trust bond between them, he now needed to always tell the truth, and never lie to Rogue again.
“Oh.”
“When you’re up to it, we gotta talk,” his tone a bit more serious than he would have liked.
Rogue held her mug close to her lips. She lowered her eyes to a spot on the hardwood floor between the rug and the brick of the fireplace. She took a sip and hovered the cup near her lips. Was she ready for that kind of conversation? Was he ready for her to let him have it with both barrels? She knew that she needed to let him know how deeply he emotionally cut her… If healing was going to begin, she had to let it all out. She resolved to let her anger out as she took another sip of her coffee. Rogue knew he could take it if she chose to use him as her personal punching bag.
“All raht, we’ll talk, but ah need a refill. You want one?”
“Sure, darlin’,” he said as he gave her a half smile.
He called her something other than ‘Kid!’ Had he changed for the better? She wasn’t sure but she liked the new title. She took their mugs into the kitchen counter and refilled them, complete with the liquid courage in hers. She even slipped him one and a half fingers worth. Then she took up her seat once more and curled her denim covered legs under her. She handed him his cup and started sipping on the warm liquid. She didn’t know where to begin; should she release her emotions or tell him how bad he hurt her?
Logan was a little surprised that his coffee had an interesting new flavor in it and the eyebrow went up as he watched her. Somehow, he sensed that he should open the floor.
“I know I hurt you, and for that I’m deeply sorry. I know you don’t trust me right now but I’m gonna make you three promises; which you might think don’t mean a hill of beans, but I’m tryin’ my best to restore what I’ve damaged.”
Rogue didn’t say a word so he continued on.
“One, I’m gonna tell you the truth. I’m not gonna lie to you. No more white lies and lyin’ by leavin’ things out neither. Two, I’m not gonna make you promises that I can’t keep. I’m gonna keep my word. I once promised to take care of you and I intend to keep that promise, whether you need me or not. And three, I will be as transparent as I possibly can so that you know that I’m me and not the animal. You’ll know that I’m myself and that I’m sincere.”
She didn’t say anything. He began to worry something was wrong. Maybe she was just processing what he’d just said? What he’d said was more than he’d said to her in a long time. He noticed her pulse jumped a bit, but her breathing seemed somewhat calm. Too calm, had he said too much? Shit, what if she’s still mad at me?
‘This is it. Ah have to let this go or ah cain’t move on,’ she thought before she turned slightly and tucked a leg under the other.
“When you hit meh, it hurt real bad at first. Since you burned meh lahk that, it sent a real clear message to meh… That ah didn’t matter to you as much as you meant to meh. And that was what hurt meh more than your backhand,” she said and then looked him square in the eye just for a moment so that he could see her pain.
She didn’t hold his gaze for long because she didn’t want to see too much of his reaction or she might falter in her resolve.
“Ah have been in pain for some time now. Not just physical, but emotional because of the betrayal and the loss of trust ah had between mahself and someone ah thought was mah best friend,” tears began to form in her eyes.
Rogue noticed that Logan didn’t say a word as she spoke about her grief.
“Ah know things ain’t gonna be easy between us for a long tahm, Logan, and ah don’t have a clear picture of what has to be done to set things raht, but ah have to try or ah can’t move on.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hi out there,
Here it is, a brand spankin' new chapter!
Rogue lays down the laww...
I hope you enjoy the extra treat for the new year!
Here it is, a brand spankin' new chapter!
Rogue lays down the laww...
I hope you enjoy the extra treat for the new year!
Chapter End Notes:
I hope you liked this update. Please let me know! Thanks for your reviews! Happy New Year!