Chapter 10
Logan scrunched up his nose at the offending odor coming from James's diaper. "I believe it's time to clean you up, little skunk ." Logan grunted, getting up from the glider, he been rocking a sleeping James in, and stepping over to his changing table.
Once Ro had placed James in his arms, Logan hadn't been able to put the little boy down. Logan had sat in the glider chair, going between watching James, trustingly sleeping in his arms, and watching for any signs of Marie awaking.
Logan grimaced, and had to hold his breath while he quickly disposed of the offending diaper, in the thankfully lidded trash bin. He had just taped down James's new diaper, when a moan came from the direction of the bed.
"James?" Rogue called out in a sudden panicked gasp, although it was still sluggish from the drugs in her system. She was struggling to pull herself up.
"He's right here, Darlin. He's just fine." Logan soothed as he scooped up James from the table, then stepping over to Marie’s bedside, trying to comfort her; knowing after last night she would be freaked out.
"Oh, thank goodness. Give him here!" Rogue demanded with sigh, greatly relieved. She reached out her hands toward Logan eager to have her baby in her arms, reassuring herself he was really okay.
"Sure, Darlin`." Logan gently placed James in her arms. He stepped back and watched moved, as mother and son was reunited.
Rogue leaned back exhausted against her head board, holding her son clutched to her chest as she kissed his little head relieved that last night had all been a bad dream. She was starting to relax thinking everything from her fight with Logan, to her panic episode, had been all a bad dream. It wasn’t until she reached up, and felt the collar around her throat, and then realized she shouldn't feel this bad, and drained with her healing factor. Realizing it hadn't been a dream after all, and remembering Logan's hurtful words from last night, she steeled herself against the pain. She looked over at Logan who was sitting in her glider that she nursed James in, to find him watching her intently. There was such a deep sadness in his depths, that would have normally moved her greatly, but she was still hurting from last night.
"What are you doing here?" She demanded, and saw him flinch at her cool tone.
Part of her automatically felt bad for hurting him, but the other part of her was still to angry and hurt to allow herself to care that she had hurt him.
Logan sighed dishearten, but had expected a less than warm reception. "I knew you'd feel better with James close by once you woke up, and could see that he was safe." He answered trying to figure out the best way to apologize. Hearing her cold tone directed at him, a tone she had never used on him before, cut him deeply, but he couldn't blame her. He knew he deserved it, and a lot more.
"But what are ‘you’ doing here? Jubes, Scott, Ro, or even Hank could have brought him to me. You made it pretty clear last night, that we were just an inconvenience for you." Rogue snapped out, causing James to start fussing a little. Rogue shushed him gently, patting his back trying to comfort him. She knew by his cry that he was hungry.
"He's hungry." Logan comment softly after smelling James' hunger, as he watched Rogue comfort her son.
"I know that.” Rogue snapped upset. “Don't you think I know when my son is hungry?"
"You're right." Logan swallowed, forcing down the pain her coldness caused him. Knowing it was his own fault that she felt the way she did.
"Are there any bottles left? I gave Ro some before I left to go out." Rogue stated keeping her focusing on James.
"No. He finished the last of them early this morning. He's a hearty eater." Logan tried to ease the tension with a little teasing, while still trying to think of a way to apologize for what he said last night, but had yet to think of anything.
"He get's it from his father." The words were whispered before she could stop them. Rogue clapped her mouth shut with a deep frown, wishing she could draw the words back as soon as they had left her mouth.
At Rogue’s comment, Logan's head jerked up, and his eyes zeroed in on her face, his smirk vanishing. "Marie?” Logan started unsure what else to say. Her words had shocked him speechless. He was stunned that she knew James' father. Was it possible, James wasn't due to the treatment or rapes inside the lab? Logan's hope vanished as soon as he saw the pain wash over her expression, and in her scent as it enveloped him.
"I need to call, Hank. I can't feed him with the collar on." Rogue stated ignoring Logan, knowing he wanting answers, but she wasn’t ready to give any. Leaning over, she gently laid James in his basinet, then slowly pushing herself to a sitting position. The grimace on her face as she sat up, brought Logan out of his shock, and had him concerned.
"Just lay back down, Darlin. I'll call Hank." Logan said already reaching for the phone, quickly dialing the number to the medlab.
Rogue didn't argue. She was to exhausted to put up any type of fight. Between the drugs, and the after effects of last night's episode, plus with the enhancements she had gained from the lab, she could barely lift James's weight.
Logan hung up after speaking with Hank. He looked back over at Rogue, who was leaning back against her headboard with her eyes closed looking totally wiped out.
"Hank, said he'd be right down." Logan informed her quietly. He was upset and concerned at seeing her so exhausted.
"I'm sure you think this only makes me a worse mother, but until the collar comes off, the drugs would only go to James through my milk." Rogue told Logan, her voice exhausted but still held a sharp edge.
Sighing upset, Logan knew he had to say something, and try to fix things with Marie. Emotional talks were way out of his comfort zone. He normally wouldn’t care what anyone thought, or if his words had offended, but Marie was different. She had changed him. Awaken the stony lump in his chest, that had once been his heart. Before her, he couldn’t remember a time where he was willing to lay himself open, to make himself vulnerable, but for her he was willing do whatever it took for her to forgive him.
"I don't think you're a bad mother, Marie. I think you're a wonderful mother." Logan said with such emotion in his voice, Rogue opened her eyes and looked over at him to try to read him.
Logan who was good at not allowing his true feelings to show was an open book to her now. She could see the pain and shame written all over his face. She caught her breath as her heart squeezed in her chest. She could even smell his deep regret.
James started to fuss again this time more loudly. Logan started to pick him up, but Rogue stopped him. "I've got him." Her voice still not her soft warm tone, but it wasn't as hard or cold as before.
That gave Logan hope that he could fix his stupidity. Logan opened his mouth to beg for Rogue's forgiveness, but a knocked at her door interrupted him.
"Come in." Rogue called out.
Hank opened the door, stepping inside, a pleased smile on his face. "Good morning my dear, how are you feeling today?" Hank asked as he stepped up to the foot of Rogue's bed. He gave Logan a brief glance and nod of acknowledgement, then put his focus on Rogue.
"Better." Rogue answered with a tired smile at Hank. "Greatly relieved that James is alright."
"I'm sure you are, and I am very pleased to hear you are feeling better. I take it you are ready for me to remove the collar?"
"Yes, please." Rogue answered wanting and needing to regain her strength so she could take care of James.
"How are you feeling emotional wise?" Hank asked sensitively, noticing that there was some tension between Logan and Rogue.
He was sure there would be until they got things worked out between them. Hank was concerned that with Rogue's hormones still fluctuating from pregnancy, and her distress over last night, could trigger another episode.
"Better. I feel more in control." Rogue answered quietly, feeling ashamed and guilty still, but she knew she had to stay clam before Hank could remove the collar.
"Very good, I'm very pleased to hear it. Logan, if you would please take James for a few moments, so I can remove Rogue's collar." Hank requested keeping his voice pleasant toward the other man in the room, even though he still felt some unsettled feelings toward Logan himself for his hurtful words to Rogue. Hank knew Logan had spoken rashly and out of jealously. However, it did little to ease Hank's anger at the feral man for hurting Rogue. Only knowing Rogue cared for the man, made Hank try to let go of his own anger and hostility. If Rogue forgave Logan, then Hank knew he must for Rogue's and James's sake as well.
"Sure." Logan said coming to his feet. Although Hank's voice and attitude was calm and pleasant, Logan could smell Hanks anger, and Logan knew it was directed at him. Logan understood, everyone cared greatly for Rogue, and they were angry at him for hurting her. Logan didn't let on that he knew of Hank's feelings.
He waited patiently while Rogue gave her son a gently kiss on the head before relenting James into his arms. Logan stepped back out of the way so Hank could moved up next to Rouge.
"Here we go." Hank said as he unlocked the collar, and gently removed it from Rogue's neck. Rogue clenched her eyes closed and inhaled a sharp breath from the pain.
Hank held up a hand to stop Logan from moving forward just then, knowing the man could smell the discomfort that washed over the person he supposedly loved, if the Professor was correct. Seeing how Charles was a telepath, Hank had no reason to doubt him.
Hank ignored the growl that came from behind him, focusing on his patient instead. "How are you feeling, Rogue?" Hank asked gently after a few moments.
Rogue opened her eyes and smiled warmly at the big furry blue doctor.
"A lot better, thanks Hank. I'm sorry for all the hassle, and trouble I keep causing you." Rogue stated her voice full of regret.
"Now you shush that talk. You are no trouble at all, my dear. You are a wonderful person and mother. Anyone with a brain would know this. I am always very happy to be of service to James and yourself. You are very dear to me, my friend. Now if you should need anything, anything at all, do not hesitate to call upon me at anytime, day or night." Hank offered Rogue a beaming smile.
"I will, thanks for everything, Hank." Rogue smiled truly touched by his kindness and friendship.
"You are quite welcome, my dear. Now I will be going. By the way that young fellow is fussing, he must be hungry once again." Hank chuckled.
"When isn't he?" Rogue smile.
With another chuckled, Hank headed for the door. Logan walked over with him, still holding onto James. Logan wanted a chance to thank Hank himself.
"Thanks Hank, for everything." Logan's voice holding true gratitude and respect.
Hank's turned to gaze at Logan, his eyes guarded, after a few moments he nodded his acceptance of Logan's thanks. "Rogue is very important to all of us, Logan. Just take care from now on, or be prepared for the consequences." Hank warned matter of fact, then left.
"Come on little guy, your mom is waiting for you." Logan said down to James as he closed Rogue's door, knowing Hank had just given him the treat Rogue right, or I'll hurt you speech. Logan knew he deserved as much, so he took it without anger. Logan stepped back over to Rogue, gently laying James into her arms.
Rogue got James situated at her breast, then looked over at Logan who was now standing in front of her window staring out with a pained expression.
Logan could feel Marie's eyes on him. Knowing it was now or never, so he force the words past his tight throat.
"I'm sorry, Marie. I had to right to say what I did last night, and I was a fool, and a bastard for saying it. I know you aren't a bad mother. I'm very proud of you for how you've been taking care of your son. As soon as you told me I'd never have to deal with you or James again, I knew I had just made the biggest mistaken in my life. I knew the words coming out of my mouth were a lie, and I wanted to take them back, but I couldn't." Logan said his voice full of regret an ashamed, his head hung as he braced his arms against the window frame.
"Then why would you say it, Logan? Were you trying to hurt me for some reason? Is it because you blame me for Jean and you breaking up? What did I do to make you want to hurt me?" Rogue asked, this time her voice only held tears and pain.
"No Baby, no." Logan said as he quickly left the window to come back over to the chair beside her bed. Pain and regret clearly on his face and in his eyes at her thinking any of those things. "I didn't say those things to hurt you, although I know they did. But I wasn't trying to hurt you, Darlin. The honest truth is…, well I was jealous and upset." Logan took a deep breath forcing himself to go on, to open himself for her. To be complete vulnerable to her. Something he would only be for her.
"On the way home from the bar, all I could think about was coming back to the mansion, and spending time with you and James. I had it all planned out. I'd come and get you and this little guy, and we'd all pile in my room, and watch the game while we played with James together. I was looking forward to spending the evening with my two favorite people.” Logan gave her a small smile, before becoming serious. “When I came back, and found you were out on a date, I just lost it. I know I had no right too, Marie. You are your own woman, and I know you haven't had any time for yourself since James came into your life. But the simple true is that I got jealous. Jealous that you were spending your time with another man." Logan swallowed pushing back against jealousy just thinking of her with another man. Plus he was nervous at his admitting his true feelings for her.
"I'm so sorry, Darlin. I never meant to hurt you. I love spending time with both of you. You, nor this little fellow,” Logan smiled down at James, before looking up into Marie’s eyes, “is an obligation or an inconvenience to me. Logan’s gaze became intense as he continued, “In fact, I want you in my life always, Marie. Please forgive me, Darlin. I promise you, I don't think anything but good about how you are taking care of James. You're a wonderful mother and woman. Hank is right, and I am an idiot for letting my anger and jealousy take over my brain. Can you ever forgive me?" Logan asked with so much desperation and hope that Rogue's heart melted. She knew she couldn't stay angry at him now.
"I forgive you, Logan." Rogue smiled at him. Her eyes warm and soft again.
Logan let out the breath he hadn't know he was holding at her words, and gave her a thankful and warm smile. Warmth and love were in his eyes as he leaned forward and kissed her head. "Thank you, Darlin. I love you, Marie." Logan whispered in her hair, around the lump in his throat.
"Logan?" Rogue's voice now hesitated.
Logan smelt Marie's sudden spike of nervousness. He knew he had to take things slow with her, but he wanted Marie to know how he felt. He pulled back so she could see the truth in his eyes.
"I love you, Marie. I love you and James. The two of you are the most important people in my life. I don't want to ever lose the two of you."
"You're important to us too. We'll always be friends, Logan, you're not going to lose us." Marie said trying to skirt around the whole love topic.
"I'm glad to hear that, Darlin, but when I say I love you, I mean, I'm in love with you. Not just as a friend or whatever. You're my world, Marie." Logan said putting it all out on the line for her.
"Logan, I…I can't. There are things that you don't know. Hard things. Things that have happened that…" Rogue struggled to continue, but couldn't stop the sudden sobs that escaped.
Logan's heart ached at Rogue's obvious pain and distress. He knew she wasn't ready for any type of romantic relationship, but he wanted her to know he loved her, and wasn't going to ever leave her again. He moved from the rocker to sit on the edge of the bed beside her. He pulled her, and James careful into his arms, making sure not to squish James.
"Shh Darlin, it's okay. Everything is going to be okay.” Logan whispered stroking Marie’s head tenderly. “I know your not ready for anything romantic or sexual Marie, but I wanted you to know how it is. I love you, and I'm sticking around. I'm not going to let anything ever happen to you again. I'm going to take care of you and James." He promised with everything in him.
"Logan, you don't understand." Rogue struggling to get her words out so Logan would understand. "There are things I just can't talk about right now. But I do know that you shouldn't love me. I'm not the same person anymore. I'm not the person you knew. I've done things that can't be forgiven. You wouldn't love me if you knew what I've done or what I am." Rogue cried even harder causing James to disengage and fuss. Rogue continued to sob as she shifted James to her other breast avoiding Logan's gaze.
Logan frown at the meaning of her words. Her anguish and pain only making his own worse. He wanted to hunt down ever last monster that had dared to hurt her, and kill them very slowly and painfully. But he promised he wasn't leaving her, plus she needed him here with her. Reassuring her that there was nothing that would change his feelings for her.
Reaching up and brushing the hair from her face so he could look into her eyes, he reached under her chin, and brought her face up to his. Once she hesitantly met his eyes, he spoke. "I know there is nothing you could have done that would ever make me hate you, or change my feelings for you, Marie. I love you, Darlin. That's not going to change, just because some creeps got their hands on you. None of what happened was your fault. You're good Marie. Nothing has changed that. What I fell in love with is still there. I see it every time I look at you. The important things haven't changed. There is so much goodness in you." Logan stressed, trying to reassure her.
"I'm not good. I've killed people. Innocent people." Rogue whispered with so much anguish.
Logan noticed James had fallen asleep while nursing. "Here, let me take him Darlin." Logan said taking James gently from Rogue's trembling hands. Laying the baby against his shoulder, Logan burped him, then laid him down in his basinet, while Rogue struggled to calm down.
"Come here, Darlin." Logan said once again pulling Rogue into his embrace. He held her tightly as she sobbed against his chest. He tried to think of something to say that would comfort her, but came up with very little. So he just settled for holding her, and rubbing her head and back. Whispering he loved her, that he had her, and that he was going to take care of her. It wasn't long before she had cried herself to sleep against him.
Logan maneuvered them so he was leaning back against her head board still holding Marie against his chest. He laid there thinking of all Marie had told him. He knew she had suffered greatly. He blamed himself for everything that happened. He was determined to prove to her that there was nothing that could or would change the way he felt for her. He lay there coming up with ways to help her recover. He needed to make sure she knew he was going to be there for her, no matter what. No matter what she needed, he would make sure she got. She was his, and he took care of what was his. That also made James his as well, no matter how he had been conceived. Logan knew, Marie, probably would still feel she needed to handle everything with James herself. However he was determined to start taking on some of the responsibilities. He was going to prove to Marie that he could handle dirty diapers, and a fussy baby. He was going to prove to her that Jean was wrong. He could be a good father for James, if she would let him.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-men. All rights belong to Sam Lee, Marvel Comics, and whomever else owns rights. I have not nor will I receive any form of compensation for this story.
Hey Everyone! Sorry for the really long delay. I've been under the weather lately, plus with warm weather arriving, I've been busy in the yard and garden. I was just to tried to focus on writing. Thinks are starting to slow down some, so I hope to be able to update more quickly, however I'm sick with a cold right now, so I can't promise anything. I hope you enjoy the new chapter. Feel Free to review if you like. ;)
Hey Everyone! Sorry for the really long delay. I've been under the weather lately, plus with warm weather arriving, I've been busy in the yard and garden. I was just to tried to focus on writing. Thinks are starting to slow down some, so I hope to be able to update more quickly, however I'm sick with a cold right now, so I can't promise anything. I hope you enjoy the new chapter. Feel Free to review if you like. ;)