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CHAPTER SIX: I DON’T FEEL LIKE DANCING

Manly clench, manly pout. Manly clench, manly pout…

Pete Parker crossed his arms over his chest and watched, fascinated, as Logan’s lower lip protruded ever further forward. Watched as the famous blades he’d heard so much about flashed in the light. Kit and Jubie were sitting in front of the bar beside the feral, trying to get him to calm down and talk to them, but it wasn’t really working-

Mainly because when he’d initially told Jubilee and Kitty what had happened, the firecracker had nearly fallen off her chair laughing. Which had not, in Parker’s humble opinion, been a politic thing to do. But then he knew that Jubes had no fear of the feral- Or anyone else for that matter-

And that being the case he should probably sit down and watch, because one way or another the next five minutes were sure to be entertaining as Hell.

“So let me get this straight,” Jubes was saying, “You tried to warn Marie that Remy LeBeau is a no-good, honour-free horn-dog? And yet you somehow managed to turn that into You are Unattractive and Too Emotionally Frail To Deal With Adult Life? That about cover it, bub?”

Logan gave an unamused snarl, which Pete decided to treat as a yes.

Although it might also have been an offer to send Jubes to meet her Maker instead.

“And now,” Kitty continued, “After all the trouble you’ve caused our girl by being boneheaded and clueless and blind to the fact she grew up, you want us to help you fix it-”

“Hey, I never asked fer your help, either of you,” Logan snapped. “You’re both just turned up here-”

Kit was unimpressed. “After you proved you had a butt where your brain should be, sensei.”

He opened his mouth to correct her, and then closed it.

Apparently even Logan had to concede that she had a point.

“So what can I do about this?” Logan asked after a long moment. “I know I’m not fucking Shakespeare but even I can see that I screwed up.” And his gaze went to his claws, his expression unguarded. Almost bashful. The idea that he’d upset Marie apparently really tearing him up inside. Pete was absolutely certain of his sexuality and nuts about Kitty, but he had to concede that the pouting, lost expression was disconcertingly attractive-

“Cheer up, sensei,” Kitty muttered then. Laying a soothing hand on his arm and giving it a squeeze. Shooting Pete a grin as she did it, as if to say Still My Favourite, Sweetie, though he paid it no mind. He’d never really been threatened by Logan, not like that: Kitty liked ’em geeklicious, he knew. “I’m sure we can do something about this, after all, if you tell Rogue how you feel-”

Logan looked at her like she was crazy. “I ain’t fuckin’ doing that!” he snarled. “There’s no way in Hades I’m telling her that!” He stood now, pacing, hands behind his back. Brow puckered with worry and the last time Parker had seen that he’d been toe-to-toe with the ole Bucket-head and twisted like a pretzel to boot. “Marie don’t see me like that, don’t you get that?” he was muttering. “You’ve seen the type she goes fer- all clean and hairless and opposed to havin’ a criminal record- and that’s the opposite o’ me.” For the first time, like, ever, Pete felt a twinge of sympathy for the guy, even if his muscles were bigger than Pete’s would ever be. Because man, he looked freaked. “If she knew why I was being so weird,” Logan continued more softly, “It wouldn’t change things none: She still wouldn’t be interested, but she’d just be real awkward around me. Hell, we might not even be friends anymore, and I don’t want that darlin’- I won’t risk that-”

And he looked at his feet, his expression torn up again. Words mumbled.

Which was when Kitty stood up and whacked him upside the head. Jubes following suit and doing the other side. Just for a second he looked like he was considering shooting Pete a Help Me, Fellow Male! Look, but reconsidered it at the last minute-

This was, needless to say, a relief to Pete.

“Are you blind?” Kitty demanded then. “Or just really, really stupid?” She threw Parker a look. “Honey, who’s Roguey been nuts about for as long as you’ve known her?”

“Logan.” It was a no-brainer: Marie’s feelings for her big, broody Canuck were the worst kept secret in the Mansion. Well, that and Bobby’s thing for women’s shoes. “I wish I could cushion the blow,” Pete said, shrugging cheerfully,“But she’s got it for ya. Bad. Like Romeo for Juliet. Or Bert for Ernie-” And he grinned, before belatedly realising that discussing how aroused Rogue might hypothetically look in front of his fiancée and Marie’s prospective honey-to-be was probably not his sharpest move. Especially not when he’d illustrated his point using Sesame Street characters.

Mercifully however Logan had bigger fish to fry.

“So you’re trying to tell me that Rogue’s got a thing fer me?” he muttered. Eyes narrowed suspiciously like he did when he was trying to decide which of your organs to puncture first.

“Yes!” Jubes rolled her eyes. “She only introduces you to the clean-cut, preppy types Wolvie: Get a couple o’ drinks in her and she’s all about the hairy criminals-”

“My Marie goes fer hairy criminals?” The organ-puncturing look was back.

“She’s not your Marie,” Kitty pointed out.

“Maybe she’s not but you’re saying that my Marie likes hairy criminals?”

“Only one hairy criminal,” Jubes said soothingly. “You, Wolvie. Just you.” And she shot him a dazzling smile, though Pete couldn’t help but notice that she was steering him away from anything heavy and throw able that might be within reach.

“So-So you’re saying she’s interested?” Logan was letting himself be led back towards the bar. He looked like he really needed a whisky- But then thinking about Marie always seemed to have that effect on him.

“I’m saying she’s nuts about you. You just gotta give her some encouragement-” He opened his mouth to say something and she spoke over him- “And no, just grabbing her and trying to have your way with her on that bar doesn’t count.”

“I’d find it fucking encouraging, darlin’,” Logan growled.

“Are you a girl?” The manly pout was back as he shook his head. “No, didn’t think so. And since you’re not a girl and I am, here’s what we’re gonna do.” For the first time in the entire conversation she turned her full attention to Pete- He’d known there was a reason Kit had brought him along. Just as he’d known that reason would not be good for his sense of Zen. “Yo, Parker,” she was grinning, “You’ve wined and dined a lady or two in your time, yeah?”

His nerdy sense was tingling. “Yeah.”

“And you know a fair bit about how to treat a lady, right?”

His nerdy sense was starting to whimper. “Riiiight.”

“And you won all those dance competitions when you were a kid, didn’t you?”

His nerdy sense was now having kittens. “Who told you that?” he demanded.

“KitKat. She was trying to explain how flexible you are-” Pryde blushed. Pete blushed. Logan glowered- “And she went into mucho, mucho detail about how you’re a real twinkle toes.” Suddenly Pete wished he had claws. “So here’s what I’m thinking: Me and Kit will handle Marie, and you can do a dancing Obi-Wan on Logan-”

He held up his hands in a T. Logan held up his claws in a T.

“Did you just say something about dancing? With Logan?” Peter sputtered.

Jubes looked at him like she was disappointed in him. It made him feel about three years old. “We have to suit our arsenal to the potential threat, people,” she was saying severely. “We have to tailor this offensive to meet a need.” She began pacing in front of the bar, fingers stapled like a lawyer in a courtroom drama. Pete couldn’t help but wonder if she’d been watching Boston Legal again. “It’s not enough to tell Logan to wear as little clothes as possible around Marie,” she was intoning gravely, “He does that already. It’s not enough to have him growl at her like he wants to melt the clothes right offa her body: He does that already too.” She brought her hands down on the bar, leaning passionately over it. Eyes fixed on the room’s occupants like she was arguing for the life of a man on Death Row. “We must move beyond the Era of Logan the Growler, of Logan the Semi- Stalker,” She thundered. “We must even move beyond the Era of Logan, the Scruffy Sex God Who May or May Not Turn Up If You and He Make A Date! We must move ourselves into the Era of Logan, the Considerate. Of Logan, the Coordinated. Of Logan, The Only Man Marie Wants To Date. In short, we must move into the Era of Logan The Dancer! Can you help us with that, Petey?” She demanded. “Can you?”

And she banged her hands on the bar. Eyes burning.

It occurred to Pete in that moment that if she ever tried for world domination, the planet wouldn’t stand a chance.

“Now if we are going up against the Cajun Casanova,” she continued after a moment, “Then we need to teach Logan at least some sort of basic dating behaviour: There’s only so far that belt-buckle will get a man, no matter how big it is. Or what the girls toilets say he can do with it, if given enough time.” Logan actually kinda blushed at that. Suddenly Pete wished he were blind. “We must show our Southern Belle that this Yankee diamond in the rough is the best person to stick with,” Jubes was saying. “That those well muscled shoulders are the best place to put her ankles when she’s feeling like she needs a little something-something to get her through the day! And dancing is the best place to put our efforts: It’s physical, so a prime physical specimen like the Wolvster should pick it up in no time. It’s date behaviour, which isn’t something Roguey’s ever gonna have seen outta him before. But more to the point- Rogue will know he made this effort for her, to be with her. And that will mean, Wolvie, that you will get very lucky indeed. So who will stand with me to get these two fine people laid? Who Will Stand With Me!?!” And she banged on the bar for emphasis.

“I will!” said Kit.

“I will!” said Logan. And then, in an undertone, “And thanks, darlin’. fer the whole helping me get laid thing.” He tapped her nose. “Pum’kin.”

So there was really only one thing Pete could say.

“I will,” he mumbled, half-heartedly. Because I love Kitty and you nut-jobs are all related to her. “But I get to lead, you understand that?” He tried his best to look stern.

Logan’s grin was terrifying. “Fer the beginning, son, fer the beginning. But something tells me, I’m gonna be leading real soon…”

You’re sooo lucky I love you, Kitty, Pete thought as he watched her sashay away.