Disclaimer: This fan fiction is not written for profit and no infringement of copyright is intended. Unbeta-ed, so all mistakes are mine.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

And Jubilation Lee frowned, pausing just as she ripped Remy’s shirt open. The feel of warm, hot flesh beneath her fingertips momentarily failing to distract her from the annoying-as-Hell humming sound to her right. The firecracker stopped a moment, head cocked, trying to discern where the sound was coming from-

And then Gambit smashed her back against the wall, his tongue slicking into her mouth as he kissed her, the feel of his body pressed against hers driving all rational thought from her mind. Jubes only had enough concentration to think Jeez, that sounds like it’s getting louder-

And then LeBeau popped her bra open using only one hand and she was lost to everything… Including the small pile of plaster dust that was forming under her feet…

Pete Parker frowned, looking around nervously for the source of that banging.

The fact that he was about to get hitched to the woman of his dreams making him more nervous than usual. After all, he was marrying an X-Man; Wedding crashing super-villainy was kinda par for the course. A goat-obsessed demon princess had gate-crashed Kurt and Storm’s wedding looking for Logan, the Brotherhood had been expelled from Beast’s wedding to Moira McTaggert by Captain Britain using a gallon of silly-string and some spoons. It was one of the reasons he and Kit had decided to elope in the first place, and also why he’d agreed to having Logan and Jubes along for the ride-

Because after all, if kickassry was immanent they were quite handy to have with you- No matter how much of a pain Jubilee could be at times.

Kit put her hand on his shoulder then, giving it a tiny squeeze and nodding silently towards the bar’s windows. Outside the sunny New Orleans day had suddenly turned dreary, the scent of electricity burning in the air. Rain was beginning to pound on the windows now, tourists scattering like so many pigeons and for some reason it made Pete nervous as Hell. But then, for an Avenger thunder and lightning never boded well: He’d lied through his teeth to his team about what the trip to New Orleans would entail and he really didn’t wanna deal with Stark, Romanov, Cage or Thor finding that out.

A beat.

“You know anything about this, honey?” Kitty murmured then, glancing nervously over at Logan, who was still whispering sweet nothings to Marie. They were - Good God, were they actually sharing as Eskimo kiss?-

For maybe the hundredth time this week Pete wished he were blind.

But he shook his head silently, squeezing the bridge of his nose. Telling himself that there was no way the person he thought was coming could be coming- No matter what the weather might say. “I didn’t tell anyone,” he muttered, “Didn’t even give a hint of it. Stark asked and asked but I told him I didn’t want a bachelor party-”

Kit gave him the I’m marrying a moron Look. He was well used to it: He’d been seeing it since he was fifteen. “That doesn’t mean that he’s gonna respect your wishes,” she muttered, “It’s not like Iron Man’s well known for doing that-”And as if to underline her point the heavens suddenly opened again. A flash of lightning splitting the sky, thunder rumbling in its wake. Pete and Kitty turned as one, shielding their eyes from its brightness-

And in that moment a streak of lightning hit Pete squarely in the chest and knocked him clear across the room. The shock of it enough to make even his nerves depart. His last conscious thought was, And the lightning is pink, why..?

Then there was only blackness and the sound of drunken singing, which couldn’t be a good sign…

And Remy forced himself to come up for air, the annoyingly rhythmic banging- which he was gonna assume was being caused by Jubes’ barely-covered cute little ass making steady contact with the barely-finished cute little wall behind them- seriously disturbing his sense of Zen. For a (very, very brief) second he considered going to investigate the cause of the disturbance, or even investigating if the wall he was pressing Jubes against was giving as much as he thought it was…. But then the firecracker launched herself at him again, fingers clawing at his back and- Jesus, was she growling? With all that happening there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in Hell of him going anywhere, let alone investigating the source of that disturbance-

And he certainly didn’t notice the way the wall was swaying at Jubes’ back…

*****************************************

A Chippendale was poking him.

A large, blond, familiar and apparently drunk Chippendale, who was (unfortunately) carrying an equally drunk, equally familiar, boisterously singing Tony Stark on his shoulders. And also wearing a tiara and what had once been a feather boa around his neck, its bright pink feather sparkling in the dim light. It took spotting the mighty hammer Mjolnir hanging by his side to remind Pete just who the Hell the Chippendale was however-

So that’s why the lightning had been pink, he thought groggily.

“Thor,” Parker managed to croak out then. “It’s good to see you-”

And he forced himself to stand, wincing slightly. Hoping for the sake of his health that his fellow Avenger didn’t decide to favour him with one of his world-famous, rib-crushing man-hugs- Since he didn’t think Kitty would appreciate her husband being in traction for their wedding night. No such luck however: the Asgardian picked him up in a bone-bending embrace, lifting his feet clear off the ground and swinging him around like a rag doll. It made Pete feel about three years old.

“It is good to see you too, my young friend!” the warrior boomed. “We have come to make merry, and toast your wedding. And of course, to find drunken bridesmaids, which Anthony has explained is the point of the ceremony!”

And he laughed boisterously, slapping Pete on the back so hard he was knocked sideways. Swinging a clearly loaded- and suspiciously angelic-looking- Tony Stark down to stand unsteadily beside him while he spun Pete round and round, the blonde’s grin making every woman in the place who wasn’t Kitty or Marie stare. Parker was only saved from Death By Bromance by Kitty pointedly clearing her throat and muttering, “Em, hello? Could we have an Avengers, Disassemble! Moment, please?” She gestured tartly to the Justice of the Peace and the witnesses. “Cos I kinda need him in one piece for the ceremony, boys-”

“Well what do we have here?” And Thor grinned, winking at Tony. Dropping Pete (yeah, dropping him) and stepping clear over his prone body to sweep the bride’s knuckles to his lips, all those years spent keeping his Kit away from the 6’5 Norse God at the office apparently for nought. Inwardly Parker growled, for the first time like, ever, wishing that he had muscles like Logan’s. But speaking of the short, hairy one-

“There a problem here, bub?” Logan muttered. Bless him. Glowering at the blond god who literally had three feet on him, waving the claws in his face. Suddenly Pete took back every mean thing he’d thought about the man this week, including the ones about having to let him lead, because right now that man was awesome on a stick and Pete didn’t care who knew it-

Not that he would, ever, EVER admit that sober in a million fucking years.

Thor grinned at Logan. “This is nothing you need concern yourself with, little man.” He waggled his eyebrows at Kitty. “I was merely conversing with the wench. ”

Logan grinned at Thor. “She ain’t a wench, bub.” He waggled his eyebrows at the blond. It was quite disturbing. “And she don’t look like she’s happy so why don’t you step away?” He crossed his massive arms across his massive chest, grinning in that way that always seemed to make Marie go weak at the knees. It was a measure of how anxious Pete was that he didn’t even feel a smidgeon of righteously manly disgust at the sight.

Thor loomed over Logan. “Oh,” he grinned, “and if she’s not a wench then what is she?”

“The bride,” Kitty growled, “I’m the bride, and you’re leaving-”

“I think not,” he spoke over her, “Not until you find me these promised drunken bridesmaids-”

And without a moment’s hesitation the Asgardian reached down and smacked Kit soundly on the ass. Grinning. As if she kept her supply of drunken bridesmaids in there.

Dead man walking, Pete thought then. And the poor bastard don’t even know it.

For a moment silence reined, the sheer stupidity of the action robbing even Tony Stark of speech. The fact that doing something that stupid to Kitty I can kill you with my pinkie Pryde was suicidal apparently of no importance to Thor. The blond grinned at Logan and Pete, his drunkenness (and Stark’s ever-helpful influence) making him way more of an asshole than he usually was, his mischievous little grin now making its way over towards Marie. His gaze raking over her, fit to make even Pete’s blood boil. The deeply disinterested look she shot him only making the blond grin more. Logan stiffened at it and the Asgardian’s grin widened, the desire to needle the only other massive testosterone donor in the room making him foolish-

And then without a moment’s hesitation Kit kicked him soundly in the balls, reaching down and yanking the hammer Mjolnir out of his grasp. Smacking him soundly across the head with it, Rogue darting into place beside her and swinging Thor’s legs out from under him and smashing her elbow into his nose. For a beat he was still and then- Thor grinned, letting out a string of impressively loud Nordic curse words before forcing himself to his feet and grasping for his hammer. The light of battle in his eyes as he went to swat Marie on the ass even as he reached for Mjolnir again. His eyes went almost comically wide as Kit swung it out of his reach once more and tossed it to Marie, taking the opportunity to kick him soundly in the crotch again. The massive man launching himself at Rogue now, clicking his fingers at the damn thing as if trying to summon a dog, muttering that he couldn’t understand why it wouldn’t come back to him. “Mine!” he kept muttering, “It is mine, it was given to me by Odin-”

“Well,” Rogue sniffed, “It was given to me by Kitty so you ain’t getting it back, bub.” And she swung the hammer around, knocking him soundly across the jaw (again) with a heavy, ga-dunk! Sound. Logan’s snickers echoing through the room, his proud mutter of “That’s my girl,” making the Southern belle blush even as she swung it again. She and Kitty began tag-teaming the Asgardian, darting gracefully out of his way, swinging the hammer around like it was light as air. The dementedly gleeful look on her face at being able to wield it giving Stark and Thor pause. Back and forward they went lik some demented tango, Pete’s offers to intervene stopped by Logan with a grin and a muttered, “You gotta let the girls play.” The sound of battle filled the hall, the combatants crashing into furniture with such gay abandon that Pete knew Remy was gonna be pissed- If he survived the Act of Jubilee he suspected was going on in a cleaning closet somewhere to their right. The fact that there was an low-down, old-fashioned bar-brawl going on at a wedding apparently not bothering the justice of the peace or the bar staff at all. Pete flinched as furniture was thrown everywhere, guilt that he hadn’t managed to keep the two well-meaning but drunk and horny Avengers away from his wedding eating into him and then-

Then-

Suddenly Kit was beside him, her hand on the Justice of the Peace’s elbow. Ducking down to avoid- Jeez, did Marie have to bite the entire ear-lobe off?- surrounding conflict and shooting him a grin. “Now it’s an X-Man wedding, honey,” she whispered to him, just as she heard Logan join Marie in the fight with a delighted shout of “Whatever you bite you keep!” and then another of, “You show him what you think of blondes, darlin’!” Kit‘s smile widened. “And at least,” she continued reasonably, “It’s not the Brotherhood or the government who‘s gate-crashing-”

“Then you’re not mad?” he muttered.

“No, it’s more… real now.” And she grinned, suddenly looking like an angel. His angel. In that moment Pete couldn’t imagine seeing her as anyone else despite the fact that she’d just kicked the shit out of the God of thunder and done it with a smile on her face. Apparently the Justice of the Peace agreed because she smiled and ducked down to avoid a piece of flying masonry. Her expression mischievous, the book she’d been using to read the ceremony clasped in her hands. “Would you two like the short version of the wedding ceremony?” she asked, eyes dancing.

Pete and Kit’s eyes met. “Hell yeah,” they both said at the same time.

“Fine then.” She nodded to Kitty. “Do you, chere?”

“I do.”

She nodded to Pete. “Do you?”

He couldn’t stop smiling. “I do.”

“Then kiss, cuddle, and get the fuck outta Dodge cos Ah think this is about to turn ugly, darlin’-”

At which point there was an almighty crack and suddenly a very naked Jubilation Lee and Remy LeBeau landed in the middle of the ceremony, knocking Thor, Logan and Kitty flying even as the wall they’d been screwing against collapsed in a shower of dust. Remy LeBeau’s naked ass ending up way too close to Tony Stark for anybody’s comfort. For a second everything was silent, the over-protective big brother in Logan about to go into over-drive and then Pete heard it-

“Told you it was a proper X-Man wedding now,” Kit said. “Ain’t that right, Logan?”

And without another word she kissed him and they were-