Ah can’t believe he’s gone.
It seems like just minutes since we were making love in that perfect clearing, our whole lives before us promising nothing but the joyous union of two people completely in love. And now he’s gone. And I’ll never again see his eyes light up with the amusement he tries so hard to conceal. I’ll never feel the warm touch of his hand on mine or hear him breathe my name so tenderly. He’s gone and he’s taken my heart with him.
I’ll never love again. How can any man ever compare to Logan?
Oh dear Lord, ah never knew losing a loved one could be so painful ……
I almost don’t hear the knock that sounds at the door, but I ignore it anyway. They’ll go away if I keep silent. I just want to lie here on Logan’s bed, alone, and remember the nights we shared. We had so little time, but I’ll remember the few days we had forever ……
The knock comes again, this time accompanied by a tentative query. “Rogue?”
It’s Jubilee. She was in the hallway when I ran past her on my way to Logan’s room, escaping the sight of my lover’s torn and bloodied body being carried to the med-lab. I had to get away. I can’t remember him like that. I need to remember him the way he was this afternoon – strong …… vital …… and so alive.
I break down and bury my face in Logan’s pillow, heaving huge breathless sobs.
“Rogue?” The door opens and my best friend looks in, her face registering shock as she notices me curled up on the bed. “Oh god, Rogue ……”
She crosses the floor quickly and I feel the bed tilt as she sits on the edge. Her hand touches my arm, tentatively. “Rogue? Speak to me, Rogue. I’m here for you.”
“Jubilee?” I roll over, looking up at my friend with tear-stained eyes. “Oh god, Jubes, he’s dead ……” And I fling myself into my friend’s arms, crying helplessly, while she strokes my hair and just holds me, soothing me with meaningless whispered words.
It’s some time before my sobs quieten, and she holds me all the while, making no demands of me, just allowing me to cry myself out. And I’m grateful for that, because I have no words right now – no words to describe how I feel, how empty my heart is without my love. How my life no longer has meaning.
I eventually push away from my friend – scooting back on the bed to lean against the headboard. I scrub the back of my hand across my eyes and Jubilee hands me a tissue from the box on the bedside table, into which I blow my nose noisily. Jubilee stays on the edge of the bed, saying nothing, just being there for me, giving me time to come to terms with my loss.
My loss ……..
God, ah miss him so much ……..
We sit there for some time in silence, sharing each other’s pain, listening to the sounds of the mansion going on around us. The sounds of life. I can hear muted voices from downstairs – Jubilee’s left the bedroom door open and sounds seem to carry so well here – then an upraised voice, a door being slammed in anger. Something’s going on. I look to Jubilee, but she only shakes her head. I guess she doesn’t know what’s happening either.
She makes to get up and close the door. “No, leave it.” I feel so bad, but I don’t want to be cut off right now. I wanted to be alone before, but now I think some part of me wants the door open so that I can listen for the sound of him coming back to me. I keep imagining I hear his booted feet coming along the hallway, but it’s only the creaking of the mansion’s old boards. But I can’t bear to close the door – to shut him out.
I reach for another tissue and Jubilee takes it as a sign. She captures my hand with her own. “What happened, Rogue? If you want to talk about it now, I’m here.”
“We were ambushed, Jubilee.” The words come out of me in a rush – they can’t be denied. And maybe if I say them fast enough, it’ll all turn out to be some silly nightmare. “He …… Logan …… was shot and …… his healing factor just …… shut down. He wasn’t healing and he just got worse and ……”
Jubilee leans forward. “They took him downstairs. Do you want to see him?”
“No! Yes ……” I sigh, heartsick and mentally confused. “Ah don’t know, Jubes. Ah want to …… ah should do ……. But ah don’t want to see him all shot up like he was. It’s …… not Logan ……”
“We don’t have to go down now, if you don’t want to,” Jubilee assures me, gently. “There’s time. We can go down in the morning, if you want to. Why don’t you try and get some sleep?”
“Ah don’t think ah can sleep, Jubilee.”
“Rest then. Stay here. I’ll go down to the kitchen and make some hot milk. My foster mom always swore by hot milk at times like these.”
“Thanks, Jubes. That would be nice.”
She makes to leave, but is brought up short by the sudden appearance of Scott in the open doorway. He looks around the room as if seeing it for the first time, and then turns his attention to the both of us sitting on the bed. No, to me. Jubilee, he ignores completely.
“The Professor wants to see you in his study, Rogue.”
Well, thanks for asking how ah’m doing, Scott. Ah’m doing fine, thank you, considering my lover’s just been shot to death.
Jubilee, bless her, jumps immediately to my defence. “Well, you can tell the Professor she’s not coming right now. In case you’ve not noticed, she’s just lost someone dear to her and ……”
Jubilee might not have spoken at all. “That wasn’t a request, Rogue. The Professor wants to see you and he meant now.”
“That’s the most hard-hearted ……”
I put my hand on Jubilee’s arm, halting her tirade. “It’s alright, Jubes. Ah’ll go.” Maybe keeping my mind occupied will take the pain away. Or at least lock it away for a time so that I can’t feel it anymore.
I get to my feet and walk from the room. Scott steps back as Jubilee and I move past him into the hallway, but then I make him wait as I close the door behind me. This is Logan’s room. I don’t want anyone going in there but me.
We walk in silence down the hallway, but I can tell that Scott wants to say something and is holding himself back only by great effort. Jubilee trails along behind, unofficially becoming my watch-dog and letting me know without words needing to be said that she intends to accompany me to the Professor’s study. I hope he doesn’t try to keep her out. Jubilee is a force to be reckoned with when she’s in protective mode.
A few of the students peek out of their rooms as we pass – I guess the news has travelled fast. Most duck back out of sight immediately, afraid to meet my eye, but Bobby raises a slow hand, his eyes reflecting my sadness, and I nod my head in recognition of his honesty.
At the top of the stairs, Scott can contain himself no longer and he finally decides to get his concerns off his chest, putting his hand out to bar the way as I make for the first step. “So what were you doing this evening, Rogue? What were you doing that just happened to involve you and Logan being shot at?”
“Ah don’t think that’s any of your business, Scott,” I counter, putting my hand on the banister and turning to face him. “That’s something ah will discuss with Xavier, and him alone.”
I push past Scott’s arm and put my foot on the first riser, only to jerk back up as Scott grabs my arm and pulls me around to face him. “Hey!”
“I know what you were doing out there, Rogue,” he spits into my face. “You were fucking him in a field like some goddamn animal! Don’t try to deny it!”
“Get off me!” I jerk my arm back, but his grip is tight and his fingers are starting to press into my arm, painfully. “You’re hurting me!”
“You’d better let her go, Mr Summers.” Jubilee has her hands up and I know she is just seconds away from unleashing her fireworks. “You may be a senior member of the X-Men, but you have no right to talk to her that way.”
“I have every right, Jubilee, so keep your observations to yourself!” Scott glowers at my friend and then turns back to me, shaking my arm to keep my attention and making me wince with pain. His fingers are gonna leave bruises, I just know it. His visor flashes dangerously as he continues his verbal assault on me. “You know, I actually had a higher opinion of you, Rogue. But now ……?” He shakes his head, dismissively. “You disgust me, Rogue. You’re nothing but a two bit whore ……!”
My fist connects sharply with Scott’s face, sending him tumbling back against the wall with a startled gasp. Blood is pouring from his broken nose and he quickly adjusts his visor, which I have knocked askew. If not for his fast reflexes, me and Jubes would probably be nothing more than a memory right about now.
But all this is irrelevant as I stand over him, fists raised and fury sparking in my eyes. “Ah don’t care who you think you are, Mister, but you will never speak to me like that again! Do you understand? Never!”
Scott looks up at me, nursing his wounded face. “You broke my nose, you little bitch!”
“Speak to me like that again, Scott, and ah’ll break more than your nose. Come on, Jubilee. The Professor’s waiting.” I march down the stairs and Jubilee tosses Scott a triumphant glare as she follows me.
By the time I reach the ground floor, I am shaking like a leaf and shock is beginning to set in. I collapse against the wall, clinging to a small table for support. “Oh m’ah god, Jubilee! Ah just decked Scott! Ah broke an X-Man’s nose!”
“Well, he bloody well deserved it.” As expected, Jubilee is completely in my corner and has no sympathy for the recipient of my fist. “He was well outta line, and he knew it.”
“But what if he reports me to the Professor?” I counter. “Christ, Jubilee, ah’m gonna be expelled!”
“He can’t expel you, you teach here,” Jubilee informs me, reasonably.
“Fired then! What am ah gonna do?”
“Well, first off, we’re gonna take you to see the Prof like he asked. We’ll take everything from there.” Jubilee helps me away from the table and supports me as she leads me down the hallway. Bless her. Whatever would I do without her?
My heart starts to pound painfully as we stop outside the Professor’s study. Jubilee knocks twice and the Professor’s rich tones bid us enter.
He rolls forward to greet us as we open the door and go in, and his face is warm and friendly. The room is empty apart from himself and Storm, who is sitting quietly in a chair near his desk.
“Welcome, Rogue. I thought you might like some company, so I arranged for Ororo to attend, but I see that you’ve brought your own moral support.” He indicates my watch-dog.
I step forward, face repentant. It’s best if I get what I’ve just done to Scott out in the open as soon as possible. “Professor, ah ……”
Xavier holds up a hand, stopping me in mid confession. “I know what just transpired between you and Scott, Rogue, and rest assured that I will not be expelling you, or firing you, or exacting any other form of punishment your mind sees fit to conjure up. Scott has been informed that he is not welcome in my presence until his attitude is adjusted. It will not happen again, Rogue, I assure you.”
“Thank you, Professor.”
“Now, Rogue, I need you to tell me exactly what transpired this evening.” The Professor turns and begins to motor back to his desk, leaving me to sink into the remaining chair. Jubilee stands protectively at my side. “I am sorry for making you re-live the events so soon after they occurred, but time is of the essence if we are to find out exactly why and how Wolverine was killed. Jean and Henry are currently conducting an autopsy, but your first hand experience of the affair would be most valuable.”
“An autopsy?” My face pales and I lean forward in my seat, actually feeling sick. “Oh god ……”
“I am sorry, Rogue, but it is necessary if we are to find out how Wolverine’s healing factor was negated. As is your testimony. So, please, leave nothing out. The slightest detail could be of the utmost importance.”
I nod, shakily, taking a deep breath to calm myself and trying not to think of what Jean and Henry are doing to Logan down in the med-lab. Fighting back the tears, I begin my story.
I leave nothing out.
Where the hell am I?
The last thing I remember was being shot at in my clearin’, but this definitely ain’t my clearin’ anymore. An’ where’s Marie? An’ my bike?!
I look down at the snow beneath my feet an’ then back up to the trees towerin’ high above me. Somethin’ about this place seems strangely familiar, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Have I been here before? A little naggin’ voice at the back o’ my head is tellin’ me this place is important to me, but I don’t remember jack-squat. Well, ain’t that a bitch?
If I’m gonna find out where I am, I guess I’d better start walkin’. Can’t stand around in the snow all day – I ain’t exactly dressed for winter weather. I turn full circle, tryin’ to get my bearin’s, then shrug, pickin’ a direction at random. I’ll head up-hill. Maybe I’ll spot a familiar landmark?
The more I walk, the more I become convinced I’ve been here before. Little things keep jumpin’ out at me, pullin’ at my memory, callin’ to me – that rock, a stand o’ trees. But I can’t figure it out, an’ it’s really startin’ to piss me off when I break outta the tree-line to find myself standin’ on a high plateau, with a mountainous vista all around me. The beauty o’ the scenery takes my breath away an’ I stand for a moment, lettin’ the peace an’ serenity wash over me.
I know this place. I’m sure of it.
Pullin’ my gaze from the mountains, I glance around the plateau an’ notice a small cabin not far away, smoke curlin’ idly from its single chimney. Again, I get that feelin’ that this place is important to me in some way an’, before I realise what I’m doin’, I’m walkin’ towards the cabin, intent on reachin’ it an’ going inside. If I can just get inside, everything’ll be alright.
The cabin calls to me as I get nearer an’ I step onto the wooden porch with a feelin’ o’ trepidation – nervous for the first time in my life – or as near as I can remember, at any rate. This place is gettin’ to me worse than I thought.
I reach out a hand an’ the door opens easily at my touch, almost as though it had been waitin’ for me. Bright light floods out, bathin’ me in its warmth. I breathe deeply an’ the place smells welcomin’ an’ friendly.
It smells like home.
“Logan?”
I turn, startled, to find a woman standin’ just off the porch, smilin’ at me, her eyes warm with recognition. Again, I get that feelin’ that she is important to me in some way, but no name jumps to my mind to accompany the image o’ her.
“Do I know you?” I ask.
For a moment, her eyes cloud with sadness, so fleetin’ that I think I’ve imagined it, but then her smile is back. “I don’t know. Do you think you know me?” she asks, in return.
I should be surprised by her answer, but I’m not. Nothin’ surprises me about this place anymore. I gesture around the plateau. “This place feels familiar to me,” I reply.
She looks around, as if seein’ the cabin for the first time. “It was a special place. Long ago.” She nods towards the door. “Are you going inside?”
“I was plannin’ to.”
“Don’t.”
Now that does surprise me. “Why not?” I ask, foldin’ my arms an’ rockin’ back on one foot.
“Because it’s not your time.”
“My time? My time for what?”
She doesn’t answer an’ I look back at the doorway behind me. I can’t see inside, past the light, but it still feels as though the place is callin’ to me. I turn back to the woman. “Have you been inside?”
“No. Not since the other time.”
“The other time o’ what?” This woman talks in goddamn riddles! She’s worse than McCoy!
She chooses to answer my question with another riddle. “Logan, if you go inside you will cease to be. It isn’t your time.”
“Y’know, this is startin’ ta get annoyin’. I want answers, an’ I want them now. “Look, lady, ya keep callin’ me by name an’ yet I don’t know yours. Do you know me or not?”
That sad look is back in her eyes. “Yes, I knew you. Once. A long time ago. But you know another now.” She gestures strangely with the fingers o’ one hand an’ an image appears in the air between us. An image of a girl sittin’ on a bed being comforted by another. A girl I know well.
“Marie!”
“Yes, Logan, Marie. She needs you. You promised to protect her. And if you go in there ……” she nods towards the cabin, “…… you will never be able to keep that promise. You will cease to be. And you will never be able to go back.”
I look back at the cabin an’ then again at the image o’ Marie an’ my claws slowly slide out o’ their housings, summoned by my distress. The cabin is callin’ me home, but its voice is gettin’ weaker now, more faint. I think it realises it’s losin’ me. ‘Cause I know where I belong an’ it ain’t in the wilderness, alone an’ unloved. It’s with Marie – my Marie …… Always has been, always will be.
“How do I get back?” I ask, my voice barely a whisper.
“Just walk away,” responds the woman. “Walk into the image. Go back to her, Logan.”
My claws sheath themselves with a decisive ‘snakt’ and I hold my head high. The decision is made – I know where I belong. An’ I step down off the porch an’ walk into the image ……
An’ just like that, I’m gone ……
Behind me, Kayla Silverfox wipes away a single tear an’ dismisses the image with a wave of her hand.
“Goodbye, my love ……” she whispers, softly, an’ calmly an’ without fear, she walks into the cabin ……