Rogue:
Well, that was a complete waste of time ……..
So much for the Professor assessing my control. He’s gone out for the day – some charity do at the local orphanage that he’s patron of – and won’t be back for another couple of hours at least. By then, it’ll be time for dinner and after that …….. well, he usually spends his evenings meditating, reading or playing chess with Henry. My assessment will have to wait until tomorrow.
Dammit ……...
No go with Jean either. When I went down to the Med-lab, she was in the middle of some experiment that demanded constant supervision. Of course, ever the gentleman, Henry offered to run my tests but, not being familiar with my case, he really wouldn’t be much help, so I said thanks, but no thanks. And now I’m feeling pretty darn peeved as I ride the elevator back to the upper levels. If not for my wild goose chase, I coulda been with Logan right now, helping to pick up the bike. Of course, I say ‘helping’ but I really mean getting my hands on my guy’s delicious body again. God, I just can’t get enough of him. I know we’ve barely been out of each other’s company the past few days, but I need him around me like I need to breathe. I love the way he surrounds me and completes me, almost like an extension of myself. And if not for Scott and his stupid tests, we coulda been together right now – maybe getting to know each other better in the front seat of his truck.
Or the back seat – I’m not fussy. Just so long as I’m with Logan.
Damn Scott! You’d think with him being the leader of the blasted team he’d have some idea of where his people were and what they were doing – and if they were actually available for what he said they needed to do. It’s not asking a lot, is it? Y’know, if I had a suspicious nature, I’d swear he was trying to keep me and Logan apart.
Hey, wait a minute …….. Who said I didn’t have a suspicious nature? Because now that I think of it, Scott hasn’t exactly been Team Logan and Rogue’s chief cheerleader, has he? In fact, he’s been downright aggressive ever since we got together. Remember when we all thought Logan had died and I had to deck our fearless leader at the top of the stairs? I was pretty scared at the time – I thought I’d be thrown out for attacking a senior X-Man, but the Professor had been listening in and knew he deserved all he got. And possibly more.
Y’know, I never told Logan about that. He’ll get such a kick out of it. I must remember to enlighten him when he gets back.
And what about the time we went cage fighting? Didn’t Scott catch us in the hallway and tell me to let Logan go alone? Y’know, the more I think about it, the more I am convinced that Scott has been trying to keep us apart. Of course, it hasn’t worked up to now, but the thought of it actually makes my blood boil and, by the time I exit the elevator on the ground floor of the mansion proper, I have worked myself up into such a frenzy that I actually growl at a couple of trainees who have the audacity to smile at me before I remember to rein in my inner Logan. Oops! I’d actually forgotten he was still there, lurking behind the walls I’ve built to keep my inner voices silent. All the time I’ve spent with the real Logan lately seems to have appeased my ghostly feral somewhat and, apart from some faint stirrings of interest when we make out and some bawdy comments when Logan was in the cage, my Wolverine voice has been fairly quiet. Being with Logan calms me, which seems a strange way to describe a guy who seems to live on a permanent short fuse, but I don’t understand the ins and outs of it. I just call it the way it falls, and I definitely feel more at ease when I’m in his company. I think he feels it too. I’ve actually seen him smile once or twice, and there was a time when he would never have kissed me in public. But the crowd at the cage fight witnessed some serious lip action last night. I can still feel his hands on my back, pulling my body to his as he totally possessed me with his mouth. The memory alone threatens to make my toes curl.
He’s only been gone an hour or two and I already miss him. I miss his steady presence and the way he makes me just wanna melt into a puddle at his feet and worship the ground he walks on. God, ah’ve got it bad! Where has that shy and virginal runaway gone? The one who wilfully hitched a ride with a crazy haired mutant all those years ago? Was it really only three years ago? Well, she’s turned into a man-eater, that’s what happened. But there’s only one man for me. Only one man that will ever be able to satisfy me and make me whole.
God, when I think of all the things I’ve done with Logan – done to Logan – over the past few days, it makes me wanna blush right down to my toes and back up again. Dammit, but the man brings out the worst in me! Or is that the best? I really can’t tell, because one is just as good as the other. And once he gets that look in his eye, I just can’t refuse him anything. I’ve got to give my whole self to him …….. to his hands …….. his mouth ………
Dammit, now ah’ve gone an’ got myself all hot an’ horny for the guy! My inner Logan is purring happily in the back of my head – he sounds sated and sleepy, much like the real Logan after we’ve made love. Christ, ah’ve got a one track mind! Well, at least I’m not itching to kill something anymore! Scott doesn’t realise the lucky escape he’s had.
Lost in thought with nowhere to go, my meanderings take me past the rec room and I glance in on the off-chance there’s someone there who can help me pass the time until my lover returns home. Piotr and Kitty are playing pool – or rather, Piotr is playing and Kitty is admiring the way his muscles ripple under his tee as he lines up the shot. I think she’s got it bad for the big guy, but Piotr is so wrapped up in his own little world that he honestly doesn’t notice. He’s such a lug sometimes.
Remy is sitting in the window seat playing cards by his lonesome and he beckons me over to join him as he sees me lurking in the doorway, but it’s Bobby who manages to catch my eye. Sitting on the couch in front of the TV, he’s hooked up the X-Box and is currently engaged in a racing game. He challenges me to a duel race and, never one to pass up a challenge, I accept, dropping onto the couch beside him as Remy huffs in disappointment and returns to his solo card game. Bobby tosses me the spare handset while he reloads the game and then we’re off!
I lose all track of time as we race. One thing leads to another and first it’s best of three, then best of five and, pretty soon, all bets are off and we’re just concentrating on hammering each other into the ground. Bobby laughs at my ‘driving’ style, as I twist the handset when I ‘drive’ my car around corners, just as I would with a real steering wheel. It’s a hard habit to break and, annoyed with Bobby for laughing, I let my inner Logan out just for the hell of it and try my hardest to run him off the road.
It’s strange to think that this is the boy – the man – I would have given myself to some years back. Logan seemed to be pretty much unattainable back then, and he was yet to get over his Jean fixation, so I tried to form a steady relationship with someone who was clearly my own age. It didn’t work. Bobby quickly realised that I was still lusting after tall, dark and dangerous, and we broke up fairly soon after that. It was all very amicable. He made a play for Kitty and it seemed pretty serious for a while, but then Colossus came along and that was the end of that. Now Bobby’s on his own again. And me? I’ve got my dark eyed feral, just the way I wanted, but there’s no animosity between me and the Iceman. Bobby’s man enough to realise that he could never have held my interest once I set my sights on Logan and we’re now the best of friends.
Unless we’re racing, that it. Then it’s every man for himself.
Bobby manages to run his car into a tree just yards from the finishing line and I win the race in spectacular fashion, flinging my hands into the air to celebrate my victory. He snorts in annoyance and begins to load the next race as Remy gets up and moves over to stand behind the couch.
“Good t’ing you’re not playin’ for money, eh, chere? Else de Iceman be owing you more dan jus’ cash.” His eyes flash dangerously as he shuffles his cards in the air in front of him with an expert hand. “Why don’ you come play wit’ a real man? Remy don’ play for money.”
Oh yes, I know exactly what you’d play for, Remy LeBeau, and ah’m not interested.
I allow myself an easy grin. “Thanks, but no thanks, Remy. Ah owe Bobby a rematch.”
Remy’s lips pull down in a moue of disappointment, just at the phone rings out in the hall. For a moment, he looks as though he’s going to go and answer it, but then someone picks up and he turns back to me just as the next race starts. “Let Remy know if you ever change your mind, chere.”
“Okay, Remy, ah will. Thanks.” My mind is distracted by the race in progress and I am only vaguely aware that he wanders off back to the window seat, still shuffling his cards. Bobby is in the lead and there is a difficult corner to negotiate and I must get past him.
There is a sudden disturbance out in the hallway. Scott runs past, heading for the elevator, just seconds before Jean ducks her head in at the doorway.
“Colossus, we need you,” she snaps, prompting Piotr to toss down his pool cue and make for the door as Jean’s eyes rove across the rest of us as if weighing us up for whatever has necessitated the need for the team to mobilise. Her gaze rests for just a second on me before moving on to Bobby. “Iceman, suit up.”
“Jean, what’s wrong?” I stand, drawing her attention back to me, vaguely aware that my now driverless car has hurtled off the canyon road we were racing and has crashed in a spectacular fireball in the valley below. “Do you need me to suit up?”
“No, Rogue, I ……..” She looks strangely distracted and I toss my handset onto the couch as she shakes her head in denial. “I’ve got to go.”
She ducks out of the room, followed by Bobby, and I rush to the doorway just in time to catch Storm’s arm as she dashes past. “Storm, what’s going on?”
The weather witch shakes her head distractedly. “Your friend Mike just called. Logan never arrived at the autoshop. The Professor fears another attack.”
My hand flies to my mouth in shock, my eyes automatically flicking to the clock on the mantel which reads 06.32. I’ve lost all track of time! Logan’s been gone for three and a half hours – plenty of time to get to the autoshop and back. Oh god ……..
Storm pulls her arm from my suddenly rigid grasp. “We’re scrambling the jet, Rogue. If he is out there, we will find him and bring him back. I promise.”
She hurries off down the hallway to where Scott is marshalling his team at the elevator, sending them down to the lower levels as they arrive. My body feels frozen to the spot in shock, my blood running cold like ice. My head feels as though a thousand angry bees have taken up residence there, filling up my mind with their tortured buzz, the sound drowning out my inner voices …….
And then a single lucid thought breaks through the white static ……..
“Scott!”
The team leader holds the doors back just as they were about to close, stepping back out into the hallway. “What is it, Rogue? There isn’t time …….”
“It’s Jubilee, Scott.” My body is moving again, driven forward by pure adrenalin, fuelled by fear for my friend. I am wringing my hands together as I try to make Scott understand the awful truth. “Jubilee ……. she’s ……. she’s with Logan.”
Scott staggers under the force of my revelation, bracing himself with a hand on the wall. His face drains of all colour and his lips move soundlessly as he struggles to make sense of my words. “How the hell …….?” He shakes his head and pulls himself upright, determination evident in the set of his shoulders. “No time. We have to go.”
“Let me go with you.” I reach for him, plaintively, but he is already stepping back into the elevator, shaking his head. “No, Rogue. You’re too close to this.” And the doors close, shutting him off from me and whisking him down to the lower levels.
I stare at the door in front of me, foolishly willing them to open – for Scott to change his mind and come back to tell me to suit up. But they remain stubbornly closed and suddenly the awful truth comes crashing down into my mind – Logan and Jubilee are missing. They may be hurt – even dead – and it’s all my fault. It’s all my fault for not being with them.
My eyes fill with burning tears and suddenly I am running down the hallway, barely able to see where I am going through the panic that clouds my vision. I hear a voice calling for me – Kitty – but I can’t answer. My throat is tight – burning – and I choke back a sob as I push through the front door and race across the immaculate lawn, hurdling small bushes and planted borders that lay in my path. God knows where I am going – all I know is the need to run, to put some space between myself and the dreadful feeling of helplessness that I can’t outrun no matter how hard I try.
I reach the Japanese garden just as the jet rises up from behind the house and angles itself towards Salem Center, streaking forward with a roar of thunderous afterburners. And I drop to my knees right there, surrounded by the Japanese maples that Logan loves so much, crying silent tears and praying for my lover’s safe return – praying to anyone who will listen and asking for divine intervention.
Kitty finds me there, still on my knees, and helps me gently to my feet, giving me a tissue so that I can blow my nose and wipe my puffy eyes. She murmurs words of encouragement, trying to convince me that it’s too early to worry – that maybe Logan and Jubilee dropped off somewhere for a drink before picking up the bike and I try to believe that her words have the ring of truth about them. But inside I know they are false, because Logan would not have stopped off anywhere without calling to tell me first. Not when he was so looking forward to taking me back to his bed.
Somehow, Kitty manages to get me upstairs and into my room, where I stand in front of the window, watching for the jet’s return. Kitty stays with me, sitting on the bed and all the time telling me that everything will be alright. I wish I could believe her. I wish I could roll back time and stop Logan from setting out this afternoon. I wish we’d stayed in his bed. I wish ……. Oh, how I wish ……..!
Remy comes to see if I am alright, but Kitty shoo-es him away, telling him I’d rather be alone right now but thanking him for his concern. He leaves, but not before he places a rose in her hand, freshly picked from the garden, and asks her to give it to me. Kitty promises but, when he’s gone, she fetches a glass of water from the bathroom and places it and the rose on my bedside table. It looks so silly, hanging over the side of the glass, that I want to laugh and I realise I am no longer in control of my emotions and I want to whimper or break something …….. do anything other than stand here waiting for the jet to return. Why wouldn’t they let me go with them? My inner Logan breaks free, whispering vile threats against those who have caused me pain, and I curl my hands into fists, my knuckles itching to release claws that I do not have.
A jet! Ah hear the jet!
Kitty rushes to my side and together we scan the sky, seeking for the Blackbird and the first ray of hope. At first we see nothing and then the sleek machine streaks across the sky, flying just above the tree-line in stealth mode, seeking to avoid radar detection as it comes in to land, hopefully bearing a precious cargo.
Kitty and I turn as one and run for the hallway, taking the stairs two at a time as we hasten for the elevator. The doors are not as quick to open as I would like and I pound on them with a fist as we wait on them impatiently, shouting at them to hurry. And then they are open and we are in the elevator and being whisked downwards, my lips moving in a silent prayer, hoping to see Logan again alive and well, but all the time fearing the worst.
We are moving again the moment the lift stops, pushing through the gap in the doors almost before it is wide enough to let us through. The stark metal walls of the lower levels flash by as we race each other to the hanger, each hoping to be the first to shout good news to the other – each hoping to see Logan come swaggering out of the jet with a smirk on his face and his ever present cigar clamped between his teeth, and claiming to have such a story to tell.
And then we slide around a corner just in time to see a covered gurney being wheeled into the Med-lab between Jean and Scott ……..
We skid to a halt in front of the Med-lab doors just as they rumble closed before us. My chest heaving, I lean forwards and rest my head on the cool metal, unwilling to admit to myself what I’ve just seen.
Kitty is not so reluctant. “Was that …….. was that a body?”
I shake my head in denial. Because Logan can’t die. He’s proved it. He’s cheated death more times than I can count. He’s survived being shot with carbonadium bullets and autopsied, for Christ’s sake! And as long as Logan is alive, he would allow nothing to happen to Jubilee. I’m sure of it. Oh, he pretends to hate her and he threatens her with bodily violence at least twice a week, but deep down he cares for her – he cares for all of our trainees and would never allow anything to happen to any one of them as long as there was breath in his body.
As long as he still lived ……..
Oh please god ……..
I feel a moan well up in my throat as a dreadful weight settles on my heart. Kitty drapes her arm loosely around my shoulders, lending me her support as well as sharing my sorrow, both of us unwilling to believe what we have just seen, but equally unable to deny it. My hope becomes a mantra in my head that I keep repeating over and over. As long as I say it, there’s still a chance …….
He’s still alive ……. He’s still alive ……. He’s still ……..
We jump back as the Med-lab doors open, releasing Storm, who jerks slightly, surprised to see us there. She looks tired – worn – her face is smudged and there is a scorch mark in her usually pristine leather cape.
I reach out to grab her hand before she can walk away. “Storm! Is Logan okay? And Jubilee …….?”
She runs a hand across her face – there is dirt on her fingers and one immaculately painted nail is broken. “You can’t go in there, Rogue. Go to your room.”
“But Logan …….?”
She pulls away from my weakening grasp, beginning to move away. “Go to your room! We will tell you what has happened as soon as we have news for you.”
And she walks briskly away, her back straight and her arms held stiffly at her sides, but before she rounds the corner she doubles over as if in pain and we hear her take a shuddering breath.
Kitty looks at me, her eyes wide with fear. “What’s going on, Rogue?”
“Ah don’t know, but ah have to get in there.” The Med-lab is on lock-down – the doors will now only open from the inside. “Kitty, you have to phase us through the door.”
“No!” Kitty takes a step back. “Storm told us to keep out! We’ll get into trouble!”
She doesn’t fool me. It’s not the trouble she fears. She fears what we’ll find inside the lab.
But I have to know.
“Kitty, please ……..?” I hold out my hand, pleadingly. She knows I could take her power if I wanted to – I will take her power if she forces me to – but I need her to do this willingly.
She holds my gaze for a second or two. Then she nods and takes my hand and we walk forwards …….. and through the door.
The Med-lab lights have been dimmed slightly and, for a moment, hope flairs. They’ve obviously dimmed the lights to spare Logan’s eyes – he always finds the Med-lab too bright and the lights hurt him. I immediately see Jean, Scott and Henry gathered around an examination table at the far side of the lab and we creep forward, still hand in hand, reluctant to let each other go. Jean shifts slightly and something flashes in the dim light. Logan’s claws? Can’t he sheath them? Is that what’s wrong?
And then the three X-Men move away from the table to consult some readings scrolling across Henry’s computer screen, giving us a completely unhindered view of what’s lying on the table.
And I find myself staring at a complete and perfectly formed shiny metal skeleton ……
“Nooo!”
The scream leaves my throat before I even realise it’s formed and Jean jerks around, hurrying over to pull us both into her arms, shielding us from the body on the table. Scott flips a cloth over it, hiding the gory remains, but it’s too late, we’ve already seen and I wish to god I hadn’t.
Kitty is crying openly, clutching at Jean as though afraid to let go. “Jubilee?” she gasps, between sobs.
Jean shakes her head, sadly. “I’m sorry, Kitty. There was nothing left ……”
I begin to scream then, an awful high-pitched wailing that tears at my throat and makes my eyes burn. I struggle to get away from Jean – to get away from the thing on the table, because it’s not my Logan. It can’t be. But Jean is crying too and Henry has his head in his hands, and suddenly the awful truth comes crashing home.
I’ve just lost my lover and my best friend on the same day ……..
The room spins and the floor comes up to meet me as I lose my grip on reality. And right before I slip away into blessed oblivion, I hear the words Logan spoke to me this very morning – words that meant so much to me and made me the happiest girl alive.
I love you, Marie. God, I love you so much ……..
And somewhere, alone in the silence of the night, a wolverine howls at the moon ……..