Disclaimer: This fan-fiction is not written for profit and no infringement of copyright is intended. Still unbetaed, mistakes are all mine.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

The thing about Logan was that he made her kinda stupid.

Marie had known that ever since she first met him, back in the cage in Laughlin. After all, what five foot nothing runaway tries to sneak a ride with the biggest, hairiest, meanest lookin’ guy in a bar? The kind who wants to get raped and murdered, that’s who. But even then she hadn’t been scared of him, not really. She couldn’t explain it; There was no earthly reason why she could have put herself at his mercy, and yet- She had never regretted it. Not when she’d nearly died on Liberty Island oh so many years ago. Not even when she’d run from the Mansion that last time to marry Remy LeBeau. The thing between them wasn’t based on logic, and it sure as Hell wasn’t based on being sensible: It was something else, something she didn’t have a word for. Something she knew she was blessed to have stumbled upon, no matter how much trouble or heartache it caused. Like it or not the whereabouts and well-being of a certain growly, angry wild man were the most important things in her world, even though most of the time she’d be safer leaving him be-

So like she said, he made her kinda stupid.

So when she woke up from a troubled sleep to find him gone, she didn’t hesitate: She’d gone to find him. Followed her senses, not thinking too much about where they were leading her, since they always seemed to bring her back to him in the end. The Mansion was silent, familiar: She’d forgotten how soothing it was to call this her home in all the time she’d been away from it. She’d even forgotten that it was once a place filled with hope for the future. Filled with children and laughter and joy. But then that was before Essex put mutants on the endangered species list. Before people started dying and she decided to run off and marry a man she knew was wrong for her, because she couldn’t bear to live without the one she knew was right. Marie shook her head to herself, trailing through the Mansion. Listening to the sounds of her past and remembering, wondering what could have drawn Logan from their bed after so much time without her-

She realised her feet had brought her to the Infirmary then.

To the ward where Essex’ children were being kept. She wondered why she’d found her way there until she saw him, his shape stiff and dark against the white walls. His hands clenched so tightly at his sides she thought his fingers might break. He was staring down at the rows of kids in their beds, eyes riveted first on one, then another. Heart-beat hammering and claws ready to pop. Essex’ children weren’t cleared for mixing with the general population yet, and Storm had figured they might feel safer not being separated so they were all sleeping in one large dormitory; Even the little feral girl who’d stabbed her was curled up in a bunk. Logan was staring at them like he couldn’t figure out how they’d gotten there, his gaze fastening suddenly a clone of Jubilee, identical in almost every respect to the original except that her eyes were violet not blue. The sight of her had damn near killed Hank when Kitty’d brought her in. Logan’s breath was coming rapidly, face contorting with pain as he looked at her and despite the fact that Marie knew he wanted privacy in his anguish, she went to him. Curled her tiny hand around his wrist and twined her fingers down through his. She really couldn’t let herself do anything else-

He didn’t squeeze her hand back though. That in itself was a bad sign.

But what he did next was even worse.

Because he yanked his hand away from her, turning away and growling. Everything about him screaming defensiveness. Rage. His stance dropping for fighting, his claws twitching under his skin. Marie had seen the reaction often enough to recognise it: He was trying to control his temper, trying to bring the beast within him to heel. Anyone else would have run for cover but she didn’t: Just like with that first night in Laughlin, she knew he wouldn’t hurt her. It wasn’t who he was. He snarled something she couldn’t make out, his face almost in hers, his eyes blazing- But she didn’t fall back. Didn’t even hesitate. Just reached out and trailed one bare hand across his cheek.

“Do ya think that’ll make ya feel better, shuggs?” she asked him gently. Rubbing at his mutton-chops to take the sting outta her words.

He blinked, surprised. Obviously he’d thought his big, scary monster routine was gonna run her off. But there wasn’t a snowball‘s chance in Hell o’ that happening: After all, she was the girl who’d tried to hitch a lift with the King of the Cage. For a beat nothing happened, his anger still raging off him, his claws still hissing wickedly through the air. And then, just as suddenly he sighed. Looked away from her. Sat down heavily in the chair beside him and put his head in his hands.

“What are you doing here, Marie?” he asked her tiredly.

She shrugged. “Ah came looking for you. Woke up and you were gone-” She swallowed. “Thought something might be up.”

He looked up at her sharply. “You thought I ran out on you?”

“No. Ah thought maybe you were in trouble.” She sat down gingerly next to him, keeping her gaze downward. Knowing that if she stared him straight in the eye it’d piss him off more. “You’ve had a Helluva few weeks, shuggs,” she whispered. “This place, me, Essex, getting your memories back-” she heard his hissing indrawn breath and realised he hadn’t been sure she’d known about that. “And then what happened back there, with Laura.” Laura being the only name the MRX-23 clone would answer to. “It’s okay to have problems with it,” she continued. “Ah’d be more worried if you said you were fine.” And she reached out once again for his hand, eyes still staring at the spot in front of her. Relieved that this time he let her touch him, twine her fingers in his.

A beat.

He stared down at their joined hands then. Traced down her index finger with his thumb, making her shiver. Turning her hand over so he could stare at her palm. She tried to open their link, to let her own feelings of love and relief that he was still with her flow into him but nothing happened: Either he was so upset about Essex that he couldn’t feel it, or he was deliberately keeping her out. He ran his finger down her life-line, tracing it gingerly, frowning. Squeezing her fingers tightly and then touching her palm again. Marie let the silence stretch out, trusting he’d break it when he was ready: He was clearly working up to something-

“You’re so young,” he said then.

He was still staring at her palm, fingers still tracing her lifeline. “I’ve lived so damn long Marie,” he muttered. “So much longer than I’ve deserved to. The things I’ve done, the shit I’ve been responsible for… You know that saying about being careful what you wish fer?” She nodded mutely. “Well now I understand it. All those years trying to find my past and now I’ve found it all I wanna do is forget.” His face pulled into a grimace, pain flitting across his features. Gave a puff of bitter laughter and pulled his hand away. “I’m a monster darlin’,” he muttered. “Always have been. Always will be. And now I’ve got your sweet, innocent self moving under my skin- It’s not right.”

And he looked away. Went back to staring at the kids.

Marie shook her head then, trying to control her frustration. She’d known this talk was coming, one way or another, since that first time he kissed her in the Infirmary. Deep down Logan didn’t think he deserved any happiness: He’d gotten himself convinced that he was worthless when the fact that he had any humanity left at all was a fucking miracle. It made her furious: All the shit that had been done to him, all the pain he’d been forced to endure, and he still told himself he’d earned it. That he was a monster who walked like a man. She knew he could smell the anger coming offa her, it wasn’t difficult. But she also knew he’d have to have the reason for it explained to him, since he certainly wouldn’t work it out for himself. So she stood up, crossing her arms. One eyebrow cocked. Planted herself in front of him, her eyes blazing angrily, her voice firm.

“So it’s not right that Ah love you?” she demanded. “It’s not right how Ah feel when all Ah’ve ever seen you do is try to help other people-”

“But that’s exactly it, Marie: All you’ve ever seen me do is help other people. You don’t know that man I was! You don’t know the things I’ve done-”

“Ah know what Essex made you do in Madripoor.”

The words went off in the silence like a gunshot.

Logan’s eyes flashed open, his body swaying like all the breath had been pulled outta him. Like all his bones and sinew had just upped sticks and left. Marie rushed on, trying to get the words out before he recovered, or hightailed it away from her, whichever came first. She’d meant to break it to him more gently… “It wasn’t your fault, darlin’,” she whispered.

Shame flooded his face. “But you saw what I-” he swallowed, “You saw what I did when I was with him-”

“It was a test. And you failed it shuggs. You told ‘em no.”

“What?”

She sighed. This part wasn’t going to be pleasant: Even seeing it through Essex’ eyes when she touched him hadn’t exactly been fun. But she knew she’d have to try. “Your XO sent you to Madripoor to see if your last round of training had taken,” she explained softly then. “The government wanted to see if you had any morality left, or whether you’d butcher something just cos you were pointed at it. They figured kids would be the best test.” She was stroking his mutton chops now, her voice soothing. Trying to make him listen long enough to get this through his head. “You worked with Essex during WWII, didn’t you?” He nodded. “Why’d you think he was brought onboard? Who you think gave Stryker his How To Fuck With Mutants Starter Kit? He was trying to create a trigger for you, something that would just short-circuit your mind and send you into a rage.” She wrinkled her nose disdainfully. “The sonofabitch.”

“But-”

“No buts. He was trying to find a way to control you, because every time they’d brought you in before your humanity- your conscience- always resurfaced. You always went off the grid. Madripoor was supposed to change all that,” she whispered. “It was supposed to make you inta the kinda soldier they wanted you t’be. But you beat ‘em, darlin’, you had to be forced.” She looked away, wincing: This next part would be painful to admit. “That’s Remy’s secondary mutation,” she explained. “He can push suggestions with his tone. Make people do things...” Like run away from a Mansion to Vegas. Like make someone not pick up a phone for four years when she thinks about talking to you every single day. Marie felt her eyes prickle with tears at the thought, but she said nothing: She doubted it’d be wise to tell Logan that right now, he’d be after Gambit in a heart-beat. Instead she closed her eyes, letting her sorrow and pain and sheer frustration wash across her face. “You gotta believe me,” she whispered gently, “They targeted you. They decided on you. They pursued you, no matter how many times you said no and no matter how many times you ran away and you Still Kept Fighting. You never stopped trying to be a better man. Even when you didn’t remember that you had fought you just pushed on. Even last night, when you were so angry thinking I was dead you stopped yourself from hurting that little girl in the end. Ah don’t know how many ways Ah can say this shuggs, Ah don’t know how many times Ah’ll have to but Logan, what happened to you- what happens to you- isn’t your fault.”

And breathing heavily she took a step away.

For a second he stared at her, at a loss for words. Unable to believe that there was some piece o’shit action o’ his that couldn’t be laid squarely at his own door. He’d been carrying this for so long and now, now- Marie stared at him, eyes as kind and gentle as ever, willing him to believe her. Willing him to accept that he wasn’t a monster and he wasn’t a child-killer. That he was now and always would be the man that she loved-

Logan reached for her then. Laid his hands on her shoulders, tilted her chin up so that she was staring at him. The hazel eyes she knew so well dark with emotion, hope and guilt warring in their depths. “Are you lying to me, Marie?” he asked her quietly, almost hesitantly.

“No. And Ah can prove it.” She reached up on tiptoes, her lips brushing his, and once again opened their link. Let her mind open to his. “This is what Ah saw when Ah touched Essex. The memories are always the last thing Ah sort through, the power comes first.” And she let what she’d seen in the telepath’s mind flood through her into him. Let him see the rage and frustration he’d felt at Wolverine for being the only person whose mind he couldn’t break. Essex had spent years trying to come up with a suitable trigger for Logan: even that last order to Laura to kill Marie had been a last ditch effort to master the feral’s mind. Obsession wasn’t pretty to witness, and Essex had had plenty of it: He’d even tried to take over Logan during his fight with Laura the way he’d taken over Marie. The little feral girl had been his masterpiece precisely because she was a clone of Wolverine, the only viable one he’d ever managed to breed. None of the others had taken, and the effort of it had nearly driven Essex insane- Or more insane than the sonofabitch already was. Marie felt disbelief, fear, horror flood through her from the man she loved as she showed him just how long Essex had been following him. Obsessing about him. He’d first become interested in her because he thought she was Wolverine’s mate-

“That rat bastard,” he snarled then.

“Mah thoughts exactly. But now d’you understand why Ah’m not angry at you? Now do you understand why you should forgive yourself just this once in your life?” She took his face in her hands. “You didn’t ask them to target you any more’n Ah did. And the fact that you still have a conscience is a miracle in itself. You should be proud o’ yourself, darlin’, because Ah sure as Hell am.” She cleared away the remains of Essex and let her own thoughts and feelings flow into him. Showing him more soundly than words ever could have how she felt. She thought he’d be put off- he’d never liked people poking about in his head, even Charles and Jeannie had kept their distance unless they had no choice- but he didn’t pull away. Just stared down at her. And when she finally closed her eyes and stopped he rested his forehead on hers. Eyes closed, breathing heavily.

“You are a wonder,” he said quietly then.

She smiled. Blushed a little. He’d always been able to do that, even when she was a kid. “But am Ah a wonder who has a boyfriend?” she quipped, trying to lighten the mood. She still wasn’t that used to his compliments. “Am Ah a wonder who has a-”

She didn’t get to finish though, because he’d covered his mouth with hers and pulled her tight against his chest. Relief flooded through her, that he still wanted to touch her like that. “I’m not completely- I’m not sure I’ll ever look at this the way that you do,” he was saying into her hair. Those big heavy hands tracing circles on her back. He couldn‘t look her in the eye. “I’m not sure I can see this the way you do. But-” He shrugged, suddenly nervous. “But I can try.”

“That’s good enough for me.”

And it was. Marie let out a contented sigh then, her hands curling in his hair, her arms holding him tighter. His hand slipped into hers, thumb caressing her palm and she smiled. Let him lead her back to his- their- room and quietly close the door. He leaned over her, pressing her back against the wood, his gaze still intent on hers. Kissing her lightly, more tenderly than most people would have thought him capable of being. Pulling her clothes gently from her body, hands caressing the flesh that had once been so lethal. Mouth licking, suckling against her bruises, her cuts and burns- He snarled when he saw what Amahl had done to her- As she did the same for him. Marie leaned into him, finally giving into the need for contact she’d been feeling ever since they’d been apart. No more fear of hurting him now. She smiled, taking all the energy she felt and pushing it into him. Giving instead of taking, the result of the New Reliable flipping Essex’ mutation sideways in her. Enough time and Hank said she’d even be able to share mutations with him, with anyone. She’d be able to touch and not have it mean hurt for those she laid hands on. His smile widened at the sensation, something new and different and she nodded. Let him see what she was doing through their link because he of all the people she knew would understand how much being able to give meant to her. It meant giving up the fear that she was really a parasite through and through.

And that was probably the only good thing that Essex had ever done in his life.

Marie smiled then, gasped. Her hands were moving everywhere now, trying to touch him all over at once. His body was warm, heavy- Hard and yet pliant. Real. Strong beneath her fingers. Logan seemed nervous, unsure of himself- they both were- but he didn’t pull away from her. Just squeezed her tighter, held her so close that she thought maybe she’d melt into him and she wouldn’t have minded at all. He held her gaze as she pulled him towards the bed, held her gaze when he pushed inside her that first time. When she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist and whispered that she loved him so fucking much in his ear. Salt on her lips, on her tongue, sweat and movement and- and- “Jesus shuggs…” She came, gasping, pleasure rippling through her body, emotion along with it as he kissed her and she’d had never felt anything like it, this closeness. This trust. He’d seen her without her clothes on once or twice, but this was the first time she’d ever felt naked around him-

And this was the first time he’d ever been truly naked around her.

“That’s what Ah was trying to say,” she whispered quietly then. Holding onto him, even after he’d come lying there in her arms. His head was buried against her breast, breath tickling her and fingers caressing her spine as she smiled. Kissed his forehead, his hairline, the spaces between his knuckles where the claws came out. He was growling her name and holding her so tight she thought he’d crack a couple of her ribs. They didn’t say anything else- After all that had happened the last few months words seemed kinda redundant at this point- Just waited for the dawn to come. Waited to start that new day. Marie curled into him, feeling contentment for the first time since this had all started- Hell, since she’d found out she was a mutant. For the first time truly not afraid of what the future could bring because they’d face it together. It wouldn’t be easy but he’d said they’d try. His breath was coming quietly underneath her hand now, his heartbeat strong against her ear. Occasionally he kissed her wrist, her lips. Her fingers. Muttered that she was fucking beautiful as he drifted off to sleep. She watched him, watched over him, happy in the knowledge that when he woke up that next morning she’d be waiting for him. And he’d be waiting for her. She stretched out, smiling contentedly at the thought: A life with Logan, together?

That was sure as Hell good enough for her.