“Sure, baby, I’ll see you in a couple hours…No, no, I’m good…Of course, I miss you, Marie, but I think I can skip our lunch date just this once so you and Jubes can have some fun…Really?...In that case, don’t be long, maybe we can get in a late lunch after all…OK…Love you, too…Bye, darlin’.”
“You are pathetic, Logan. ‘Lunch date’, my ass. Do you have to have it three times a day, or are you stocking up for the next time you head out to God knows where?”
“It’s rude to listen in on other people’s phone conversations, Scooter.”
“Yeah, well, I’m surly from lack of sleep. It seems there’s this infernal racket that keeps me up nights…”
“You’re jealous, Cyke-o-Geek. Admit it.”
“Jealous? Of you? In your dreams, mongrel.”
“Why else would you pay so much attention to my love life? You can’t stand it that I’m gettin’ more than you are.”
“I’m gettin’ plenty, not that it’s any of your business.”
“Oh, really? Traded in safe sex for silent sex, have you? ‘Cause that’s the only kind you’ve been practicing lately.”
“Keep your goddamn supersonic ears out of our bedroom!”
“We share a wall, One-Eye. I can’t help hearing what you’re not up to.”
“I don’t know how you can hear anything what with all the grunting and panting and bed creaking going on in your room morning, noon and night.”
“Maybe if you paid attention to some of that grunting and panting—“
“Pay attention? Hell, Logan you practically shake the damn build—“
“—you might gain some valuable information of the ‘how-to’ variety.”
“Take lessons, you mean? From you? That’ll be the day!”
“Seriously, Scooter, maybe I can help. Is it a control issue? Or can’t you get it up in the first place?”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake!”
“Hey, it’s nothin’ to be ashamed of, happens to all of—uh, well, not ALL of us exactly…”
“So you’re saying that it’s never happened to you, not even once in your whole unnaturally long life.”
“Nope. Never. The healing factor takes care of the lightning fast recovery time and pure old-fashioned experience accounts for the porn-star control. If you don’t believe me, you can ask Marie.”
“I don’t have to ask her. I can hear through the wall, too.”
“So then you know I ain’t just braggin’.”
“Sure, unless she’s faking it.”
“You just keep telling yourself that, Cyke, and me and my girl will keep on keepin’ you awake all night, every night, while you lay there with your limp dick in your pj pants, kickin’ yourself for not takin’ me up on my one-time-only offer to help cure what’s ailin’ you.”
“I do not wear pajamas to bed.”
“Yeah, like that was the point. Holy shit, Scoot, you are hopeless.”
“Wait.”
“What for?”
“Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that I thought you could actually help me. Not that I need it. My sex life is just fine, thank you very much. But, if I was looking to make it that much better, what advice would you give me?”
“Listen and learn.”
“OK, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…I’m listening.”
“No, numb nuts, I mean tonight.”
“Huh? What’s wrong with right now?”
“Jesus, and I thought I had a thick skull. My advice is for you to listen through the wall tonight, genius, and pay attention to what you hear. Believe me, if you apply what you learn, you’ll have Jeannie raisin’ the roof right along with Marie.”
“Along with Marie? You mean you expect me to listen and do it at the same time?”
“I’m beginning to see why you’re having trouble…Christ, Scott, I know women are better at it than men, but can’t you do two things at once?”
“Maybe you can let your mind wander while you’re in bed with your wife, but I generally try to stay on task.”
“Meaning, I bet, that you worry her poor nipples til they’re practically sore…”
“Logan! There’s no need…”
“… before you ever lay a finger on her pu--"
“Don’t you dare talk about my wife’s…pu...uh…body! I refuse to be graphic with you about what Jean and I do in bed!”
“Well, there’s your first problem right there.”
“What?”
“Are you graphic with her? Marie loves it when I give her previews of coming attractions. Hell, I’ve been known to make her come all undone just by telling her what I’m going to do to her—in graphic, Technicolor detail.”
“Oh, God, just forget it.”
“Whatever. But in case you change your mind, Super Dork, I’ll be making slow, sweet love to my wife tonight—just so you can keep up.”
“Don’t do me any favors, mutt.”
“Oh, wait, I forgot Marie told me she and Jubes went to Feathers and Leathers to get one of Kitty and Pete’s wedding presents. That place always fires Marie up somethin’ fierce and she’ll probably come home with some new slinky lingerie and what not…hmmm...On second thought, Scooter, Better Fucking 101 starts tomorrow night.”
“What’s to prevent me from starting tonight, whether you want me to or not?”
“You gotta crawl before you can walk, Bub, let alone run. And tonight is gonna be nothing short of a fucking marathon—pun very much intended. You ain’t ready and even if you were, Jean wouldn’t know what hit her. She’ll think you been steppin’ out on her, learnin’ new moves from some other woman. Do you really wanna take that chance?”
“What if I do?”
“Suit yourself, but don’t come cryin’ to me when she hurls your sorry ass out of bed and straight through the wall—and you damn well better hope it ain’t MY wall.”
“Like you gave a shit about coming through MY wall last night? It sounded like you were right up against it…”
“Well, not us, but the chair kept sliding forward and I wasn’t about to quit pleasurin’ my girl just to—“
“For fuck’s sake, Logan, KNOCK IT OFF! Fine, you win, Jean and I are moving to the empty suite on the third floor. Maybe then what’s happening in our room will stop being constantly compared to what’s happening in yours!”
“Whoa! Whoa, wait a minute! Are you sayin’ Jeannie’s using me and Marie as the yardstick to measure your…uh, performance?”
“Lately, yes.”
“Oh, man, that ain’t fair, Scott. She can’t expect you to…and Marie is younger than…probably more flexible…Shit, we’re just doin’ what we do. I didn’t ever think it would affect…”
“Forget it, Logan. Really, forget I said anything. And for God’s sake, don’t say anything to Marie. It’s bad enough that I got riled up and spilled my guts to you of all people.”
“Seems to me like I’m the only one—of all people—who can do somethin’ about your problem.”
“I said forget it, Logan. I don’t need lessons; I need distance.”
“Look, Scott, you and I ain’t ever gonna be best buddies, but I get where you’re coming from here. You may not think so, but I do have a sense of right and wrong. Marie and I will take the upstairs rooms. You and Jean have lived here a lot longer than we have. You shouldn’t be the ones who are put out because of us.”
“You’d do that?”
“Hell, yeah. But you’re gonna have to be the one to talk to Chuck about the switch. I ain’t exactly in his good graces these days.”
“Gee, I wonder why?”
“For the millionth time, it wasn’t my fault, dammit! If Popsicle hadn’t been showin’ off for the new girl, it never would have happened. How was I supposed to know to look for a patch of ice on the driveway in mid-August? I still think the little weasel did it on purpose just to get me in trouble with the professor.”
“Well, maybe if you hadn’t been driving like a bat out of hell, you could have avoided the ice patch, kept the bike on the ground and not flown it through the professor’s office window.”
“Yeah, and if your uncle had tits he’d be your aunt. Are you gonna talk to him or not?”
“I’ll go do it right now. I might have to lay it on pretty thick to get him to order you guys to move.”
“Say whatever you want. He can’t stay mad at me forever. I’ll growl appropriately about being shoved out of my room just to please you, maybe even get Marie to squawk a little. He’ll get over it.”
“Logan, uh…”
“Don’t get all mushy on me, One-Eye. I don’t like owin’ you any favors either, but I’m chalkin’ this one up to me helpin’ out a teammate—even if you are a pansy.”
“Right.”
“Hey, Scoot, one more thing. What are you gonna do if getting the heavy breathing of earshot doesn’t—ya know—calm Jeannie down? I mean, you can’t un-ring a bell.”
“No, I can’t. So I’m going to do the only thing a man in my position can do.”
“Grow a bigger dick?”
“No, you disgusting mouth breather, I’m going shopping—“
Eyebrow action.
“Where exactly is Feathers and Leathers…?”
______________________________________________________________
A week later…
“Logan, sugar, is somethin’ botherin’ you?”
“No. Why do you ask?”
“Well, ever since we moved upstairs, you’ve been—I don’t know—less vocal, in bed, I mean.”
“Have I? Well, come to think of it, so have you.”
“Not for lack of tryin’, hon. You just keep kissing me like gangbusters at strategic moments.”
“You complainin’?”
“Sweet Jesus, no! But the whole time we lived next door to Scott and Jean it seemed like you got louder every day, even encouraged me to holler like a banshee, too. I would have thought that now that we’re up here all by ourselves, you’d be howling to raise the dead.”
“Well, um…do you like living up here? I mean I know you said these rooms were nicer and bigger than ours and you wanted the kitchenette and the garden tub.”
“Yeees, and the professor said he didn’t think we needed all this room. Logan, what really changed his mind about us living up here?”
“Darlin’, I have a confession to make…”
THE END
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Story Notes:
This was inspired by one line in 'Late', Summersky's contribution to the 'Logan's Chair' round robin in which Logan encourages Scott to go buy some earplugs if he doesn't like the sounds coming from Logan's room. This pure dialogue piece is the conversation I imagine happening if Logan were to take a different approach...
Author's Chapter Notes:
This one is for Comic-cake, who has continually encouraged me to write a Logan/Scott banter piece. I hope this one lives up to your expectations, C-c.