Logan frowned as he contemplated the fifteen foot mountain of diapers that towered over him, shades of pink, blue, and violet mixing together like bad cotton candy. A sharp tug on the shopping list in his fist along with the sound of tearing paper made him glance down at the cause of his predicament, dressed by Jubilee in an outfit she had been saving as a gag gift for the “inevitable day Marie was knocked up by mister tall dark and growly.” As such, the tiny black t-shirt read in blaring hot pink, “Mommy’s little Badass,” much to the Professor’s chagrin and Logan’s secret pleasure.
The matching black pants had hot pink flames running up and down the seams, and tiny hot pink booties kept Marie’s tiny toes warm in the crisp New England fall weather. He had asked Jubilee whether the outfit had a match made for little boys, and she had just grinned snarkily. Trust Jubilee to try to emasculate the future-infant-son of Wolverine with hot pink clothes.
One of Logan’s old ear warmers had been sliced down to size by adamantium claws and was perched precariously around Marie’s tufts of static-cling filled, baby soft hair. Unfortunately, the edges were slightly jagged, and Marie had received several scathing looks from other toddler and infant mothers in the store, whose babies were ensconced in monogrammed snowsuits and matching hats. Marie looked like a baby that had walked out of a danger room simulation.
Logan kinda liked it.
“Do you need any help?” a nosy voice inquired as Logan trailed fingers along plastic wrapped disposable diapers. Unbelievably caught unawares, he jumped, claws shooting out instinctively and stabbing into the jumbo pack of Sesame Street toddler big-boy whatsit pants.
“Aw, fuck.” He grumbled, the alarmed sales clerk who had startled him staring as he lifted the entire package, still skewered on his claws. “You gotta problem, bub?” he gestured, diaper fluff scattering throughout the aisle way.
“N…no, sir.” the clerk hemmed and hawed, then darted out of the aisle, little red jumper trailing in the breeze created by his speedy retreat.
Sheathing his claws, he drop kicked the diapers down the aisle, then turned back to Marie to try and get an estimate of what size diaper she’d need. She was an awfully petite little thing.
Marie was gone.
“Marie?” he whispered, looking around him frantically. “Marie, where the hell are you kid?”
A baby giggle made him look up. Marie was perched precariously on the top shelf of diapers, clapping her hands and chewing on what looked like a dead cockroach.
“Sonufabitch, kid! What the hell are you doing up there? ” Logan asked, scratching his head. “And get that the hell out of your mouth! You don’t know where it’s been!”
“What do you think you’re doing?!” a high-pitched shriek echoing from a mother behind him. “That baby is going to fall!”
“Lady, fer Chrissakes, she’ll be fi…” Logan began, then gasped as Marie, a shocked expression on her face, did indeed fall towards the floor.
He dove for her, but right before she hit hard linoleum, her eyes screwed up and with a ‘bamf!’ she disappeared in a cloud of blue smoke.
“I’m going to kill Kurt!” Logan growled.
Who had said they could play with Marie this morning without gloves on? The Professor.
“Too little to do any permanent damage or absorb additional powers my ass…” he hissed, shoving his shopping cart out of the way. The force of the cart hitting the shelf made it wibble-wobble ominously, and suddenly, it was raining diapers, baby formula, and aloe-vera-wet-wipes.
The other shoppers on the aisle scattered, screaming, as management came thundering from the front of the store to see what had caused the disturbance. Logan’s spiked hair and nose barely protrude from the mound of baby supplies he was now swimming in.
With another ‘bamf!’ Baby Marie appeared again, this time, floating upside down and halfway inside and outside of a package of diapers.
“Kitty!” Logan growled, mentally adding another mutant to his skewer list.
“There’s half a baby in that bag of diapers!” the first manager on the scene yelled.
Logan could smell his body odor masked with half an aerosol deodorant spray can. Baby Marie, wrinkled up her nose too, agreeing with Logan, then let out a shriek that dropped everyone in the store flat on the floor.
Logan felt his eardrums rupture and blood trickled out of his nose. “SIREN!” he yelled, barely audible over the piercing shriek. What the fuck was that kid thinking?! Now he was stuck with the loudest damn baby on earth.
“Marie, Marie, hey hey hey!” he whistled, hands flailing in front of her face as he waded through the diaper pile.
Brain liquefying slowly, he crept closer to her, fiddling in his pockets for something, anything to make her shut up. At the bottom of the pile they were buried alive in, an unopened pacifier with a Disney princess on it glimmered like a beacon of hope.
Ripping it open, he shoved it in Marie’s mouth.
The screaming stopped, and Marie popped out of the bag of diaper’s to float like a little angel. Glancing at her, Logan groaned, her pants and diaper were missing.
Snatching Marie up, he hefted her underneath one arm tightly, popped the claws, and ripped open the nearest bag of three to six month diapers. Not caring that small superheroes frolicked on them, he quickly covered Marie’s privates, caging the beast before it could erupt like Mount Vesuvius and wipe out the entire store. Dragging them out of the tidal wave of baby stuff, Logan found his cart visiting the tropical flavored spiral contraceptives.
“Whore-cart.” He growled, and hauled it back, one wheel squeaking and wobbling irritatingly, towards the mountain of baby goodies, Marie still dangling under one arm.
“Don’t even think about getting away, darlin’.” He snarled, blood drying on his upper lip and down his sideburns. Marie grinned toothlessly behind her pacifier and clapped her hands. This was fun, apparently.
“Well, fuck my life.” Logan growled.
Ignoring the shocked management, he chunked six of everything into the cart until it towered above his head, diapers, formula, baby food, jingly key rings, a stuffed bear and its buddies, and teething rings wobbling as he gingerly sat Marie in the baby seat.
With a clink, she turned to solid metal and the cart bent, almost unable to hold her weight.
“Colossus…” Logan snarled, fists trembling. There weren’t going to be a lot of x-men remaining when he got through with them this evening.
Pushing the unbelievably heavy baby and goods to the check out counter trailed by at least forty curious onlookers and wannabe paparazzi scraped at Logan’s already thin patience. A bottle of 80 proof wild turkey and Captain Morgan rum were the first things he slapped onto the conveyor belt as Marie began changing back from metal to blue and furry, then to metal, then to human, then to blue and furry all over again, giggling and clapping away as she changed.
“Thank God Mystique is nowhere near here.” Logan whispered as the cashier loaded up three carts with what he’d managed to squeeze into one. He couldn’t stand to see a baby Magneto. Now that would be fugly. Turning to Marie, he saw her face screwing up angrily. Attempting to prevent another siren call from killing any poor mortal close enough to hear, he covered his face with his hands, squealing in an uncharacteristically high Wolverine voice, “Peek-a-boo!” as he pulled them away.
Marie laughed, and Logan smiled, her giggles soothing his frayed nerves.
Then she tried to peek-a-boo him.
She pulled her hands away, and a blast of Cyclops’s eye beam left him bald and eyebrow-less.
“SONOFABITCH! SCOOTER!” Logan howled.
Outside, protected from the chaos inside the sliding glass doors, Scott and Hank sat, huddled in a black SUV parked on the curb. Scott jumped, then shivered.
"Someone walking over your grave?" Hank asked, teasingly.
Still chilled, Scott asked,“What’s taking him so long? He was just going in to get a few little items wasn’t he? Should we go check on him?”
“No, I’m sure he’s fine.” Hank said, filing his nails casually.
Scott stared as screaming people began running out of the Wal-Mart in droves, some steaming and on fire.
“Uh, Hank?”
“Yes, Scott?” he asked, exasperated.
A child protective services van had pulled up onto the curb and several navy suited men were attempting to approach a literally steaming, burnt, hairless Wolverine whose claws were extended menacingly, three carts of goods trailing behind him. This was not going to be good.
Scott and Hank covered their eyes. The sound of hissing air, screaming social workers, popping tires, and screeching metal lasted for approximately thirty seconds. Eerie quiet settled in, until the trunk was wrenched open.
“Next time,” eyebrow-less Wolverine snarled from the back of the car, baby Marie patting his bald head from her perch on his shoulders, “We’re buying all this shit from Amazon!”
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Author's Chapter Notes:
A/N: Sorry it’s taken so long! I had three papers and an exam for an accumulated 50 some pages of writing due during this past week and fanfics kinda got put on hold.
Song choice: “Mercy” by Duffy. In this case, Logan begging for Mercy. "I love you, but I gotta stay true, my morals got me on my knees, I'm begging please, stop playing games, I don't know what you do, but you do it well, you got me under your spell, You got me begging you for mercy, why won't you release me?" ETA: Ororo's character has been swapped for another, since the girls are supposed to be out of town! lol!
Song choice: “Mercy” by Duffy. In this case, Logan begging for Mercy. "I love you, but I gotta stay true, my morals got me on my knees, I'm begging please, stop playing games, I don't know what you do, but you do it well, you got me under your spell, You got me begging you for mercy, why won't you release me?" ETA: Ororo's character has been swapped for another, since the girls are supposed to be out of town! lol!
Chapter End Notes:
Let me know what you think :) This story is fun to write because it's silly. I have a list of things that Logan and Marie are going to do. Next should be bath time. :P