“Well, that’s interesting.” Hank muttered as he toddled around his lab at what Logan had deemed an excruciatingly slow pace. They’d already been there for ten minutes for chrissakes! Marie, or what he thought, was Marie, at least it smelled like her, was making googly faces in what looked like a blanket lined, clear piece of tupperware from the kitchen.
“Look, bu..Doc, I really need you to fix this.” Logan snarled. His leather uniform was tattered, a piece of twig from a tree and leaves from several different bushes and various aboreal verdancy had turned his wayward hair into a birds nest.
“This takes robbing the cradle to a whole new level,” Scooter snickered from where he leaned casually against the nearest gurney.
“Fuck you.” Logan growled, two middle claws sliding out with a ‘snikt!’ to gesture vaguely in Scott’s general direction.
“Well, this is most definitely the Rogue.” Hank muttered, glancing at a DNA profile hovering on a clear, holographic touchscreen. “It’s an exact DNA match.” he explained to Logan, who had stepped, claws still extended, to stand directly behind Hank.
“What the hell happened to her?” he snarled, hot breath fogging Hank’s glasses as he turned to face Logan.
Hank stepped back, disconcerted, then went to check on a machine that was busily chugging out paper results onto a nearby table. “According to blood results, the compound Friends of Humanity is using is some sort of anti-aging compound. Perhaps instead of anti-aging, it results in age reversal?”
“Thank you, Captain Obvious.” Logan hissed, gesturing at the baby where a fully grown woman should have been. “What the hell do you suppose we do about it?”
“Well, I’m assuming that the compound is either temporary, or permanent.” Hank said, glancing at the readouts again as his spectacles slid down his nose.
“Permanent?!” Adamantium fists slammed into the nearest gurney, crumpling its metal hand rails.
“Logan, that is not necessary.” Hank chided, “By permanent I only mean that it may reverse aging to the point that it must once again progress...naturally.”
“Are you kidding me Hank?” Scott interjected, “Logan could barely wait until she was 18 years old before he jumped her bones. You think he can wait another 18? Talk about blue balls and jailbait.”
The world swam around Logan, and he sat down, hard on the gurney. Hank grimaced, then smiled when he realized that it was actually the gurney he had had reinforced for both Wolverine and Colossus’s weight. Medical expenses tended to be fairly extravagant around the mansion, and one never knew when such a gurney would be needed.
Like now, of course.
“What’s the best case scenario? You think those FoH fuckers have the reversal?” Logan whispered, shell shocked.
“According to the mass spectrometer, given the short-term half-life of some of the chemicals used in the compound, I would make a better educated guess that this effect will last no more than two weeks.” Hank explained.
“Two weeks? What do we do until then?” Scott asked.
Hank frowned, scratched his fur, then said, “Well, I think we should find out who she is most comfortable with, and then let them babysit.”
“Babysit?!” the two men growled at the same time.
“All of the girls are out of town for that stupid retreat this weekend!” Scott grumbled, “Are we supposed to take turns?”
“Ain’t no way in hell you’re touching my Marie.” Logan hissed, hackles raising. “That’s my baby, not yours.”
“I wasn’t under the impression that you had any children, Logan.” Xavier’s voice said, following the creak of his motorized wheelchair.
“Look, I ain’t saying that there aren’t any brats looking like me running around between Cancun and Juno, but this is Marie we’re talking about here! She’s not my baby literally, she’s my baby, my companero, the yin to my yang... got it bub?” Logan groused.
Xavier smiled slightly, “It’s called a joke, Logan.” he supplied, then rolled towards the tupperware baby cradle.
“Some joke.” Logan huffed, “You wanna joke? A blonde, a brunette, and a red head walk into a bar...”
“Crass humor will not help in this situation, Logan.” Xavier continued, “But that particular punch line is quite amusing.”
“Fucking telepaths take the fun out of everything.” Logan snarled, frowning.
Xavier’s fingertips hovered over baby Marie’s temples, his eyes shut in concentration. A small smile spread across his face.
“This is indeed our Rogue. In fact, all of her powers are intact.” Xavier began, then cautioned, “However, I would avoid direct touch, I cannot discern if her power to touch continues to be deactivated.”
“So we’ve got a super strong baby that can fly and summon the powers of at least a dozen mutants?” asked Logan.
“It would seem that way, yes.” Xavier replied.
“Sonufabitch.” Logan mumbled, stepping closer to the tiny, bundled up baby. “Wanna come chill with me, kid?”
Marie’s little, chubby fingers reached upwards, clenching open and shut. Logan leaned one hand into the cradle, and she caught his fingertip. “Aww, Marie, you know who I a...WHOO! What is that smell?”
“Well, Logan, that would be the smell of just desserts.” Scott replied with a shit-eating grin.
Confused, Logan looked from Hank, to Xavier, to Scott.
“Diaper duty, Logan.” Hank supplied. “Unfortunately we only have cloth diapers at the moment. I’m afraid you’ll have to go buy some today, as well as baby formula, diaper powder...why don’t I just make you a list?” Hank prattled.
“Sure, sounds great.” Logan replied, smiling slightly when Marie grabbed his finger. He was unprepared, however, for the sick snap that followed her squeezing and tugging on it eagerly.
“Did she just break your finger?” Scott whimpered.
“I think so.” Logan grunted through blinding pain, “Just ‘effin great, gotta baby sit infant she-Hulk.” he said, directing the comment towards the tiny bundle that yawned and gave a toothless grin in his direction.
Marie, in response, laughed, then screwed her little face up in concentration.
“What’s going on now?” Logan asked, much to his chagrin.
“I think your diaper duty just got bigger.” Scott replied, snarkily, then ducked out of the room, followed by Hank and Xavier.
“If you need anything, let us know!” Hank chortled.
“Well, looks like it’s just you and me kid.” Logan huffed, trying to be good humored. He reached down and picked Marie up, planning on changing her diaper on the gurney. As he lifted Marie above his head, she smiled.
Then threw up in his face.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Song is "Sweet Pea" by Amos Lee
“Sweet pea what’s all of this about? Don’t get your way all you do is fuss and pout, you’re the only reason, I keep on coming home. I’m like the rock of Gibraltar I always see you falter and the words just get in the way, aw I know I’m gonna crumble, and I’m trying to stay humble, but I never think before I say...sweet pea, keeper of my soul, I know sometimes I’m out of control, but you’re the only reason I keep on coming home.”
“Sweet pea what’s all of this about? Don’t get your way all you do is fuss and pout, you’re the only reason, I keep on coming home. I’m like the rock of Gibraltar I always see you falter and the words just get in the way, aw I know I’m gonna crumble, and I’m trying to stay humble, but I never think before I say...sweet pea, keeper of my soul, I know sometimes I’m out of control, but you’re the only reason I keep on coming home.”