When he woke up he was lying in his own bed at the mansion and it was after 4am. A post-it note was stuck to his forehead with spiky black writing on it.
“Even with Beast’s strength you’re still a heavy fucker. Lose weight. R.”
He smirked as he wadded up the note, then grimaced at the pain in his head. He covered his face with a pillow and hoped to get a couple hours sleep before his first class.
While Wolverine slept the Rogue brooded on their hours by the lake. He’d been unexpectedly calm, never snarling at her, actually rather kind. No accusations, no pity, no anger at what she’d done. In the moment his caring embrace had been unexpectedly welcomed and almost soothing.
It bothered the fuck out of her.
She didn’t know what to think. In the reality of the creeping dawn she was shaken by what had poured into her, like a tidal wave, in that last moment before she struck him down again with her killing kiss, the only kind she could ever give.
He’d offered up a lot to her; more than she deserved.
His face burrowed my hair.
He likes the way silver floats against his cheek.
My scent is spiced and sharp sweetness.
Sandlewood and citrus.
The feel of my body against his chest.
Slender velvet and brutal steel.
An irresistible pull to me.
The Rogue snorted and slapped herself in the face, snapping her thoughts back from such drippy musings.
I’m not beautiful. I’m not anything like that.
I’m nothing at all.
She had to get a grip. This was ridiculous, and he had to be completely delusional to think she was anything good. That she had or was anything worth the intense and hungry emotions that clung to her mind and dripped like inky molasses through her defenses.
She stiffened her spine and made an iron clad resolution with herself. She was going to stay the hell away from him. He was confusing her carefully ordered world view and sense of self.
And that shit was going to stop. No one confused her. No one handled the Rogue. Made her weak. Made her say thing she never meant to say, no matter how much she longed to for years. No one made her reveal herself.
Even if he walked by in those tight ass jeans looking like sex on two hairy gorgeous legs. Even if his every muscle bulged in that uniform and made her want to pant. Not even if he flashed those fucking insanely erotic claws and growled like an untamed beast and it made her panties drop to the floor in a soaking mess.
Shit, I’m screwed.
The Rogue groaned and buried her face in her hands as she tried to banish the taunting images away. She tried to draw on McCoy’s cool and rational thoughts to analyze the way Wolverine made her feel, something clinical and detached that involved pheromones and her own menstrual cycle or an alternate reality where her mutation was slavering nymphomania.
No dice.
She despaired as she realized Beast’s clarified reasoning had sunk into the recesses of her mind when his strength had deserted her after she deposited Wolverine in his room.
Too soon she realized the sun had risen. She was hung-over all to hell and hadn’t slept at all, her mind too frantic to allow any rest. She scowled then decided it didn’t matter if she was late to her first class, it was just stupid calculus and it wasn’t like she’d ever use it once she left school.
Leaving school…the thought niggled at her.
What would she do when her high school education was over? Would she be expected, even required, to be an official X-man? If she said no, would they kick her out?
Did she want to stay? If she left where would she go and what on earth would she do to survive?
She couldn’t get a regular job as the possibility of touching someone was unavoidable.
Was she stuck here, as surely trapped in the Institute as she was in her own skin?
Such thoughts swirled maddeningly in her mind as she got ready for the day, powdering her already pale face to her preferred ghostly shade. Leaning closer to the mirror, she lined her eyes in vivid violet, dark and thick, making her own eyes shrink into the darkness. She slashed on the liquid liner back and forth, the routine slowly calming her as she put her mask in place. A final slash of deep purple lipstick and a shake of her head to make her hair fall messily over her face as she pulled over a tight black top, paired with baggy men’s jeans, belted with a heavy chain and padlock, and her ever-present combat boots.
Now she felt prepared to skulk out of her room, armored by a dark and unfriendly appearance that shouted “stay away” to anyone who thought to approach her.
She shunned the half-hearted request by Kurt to join him for breakfast, frowning at the bandage on his leg and the game smile he gave her. She sat alone at a corner table, her back to the room so she could stare at the wall and pretend there was no one else in the room; that she couldn’t feel the looks pelting her back from other students who’d clearly heard what she’d done in the DR sim. As much as it pissed her off, she was definitely in the mood to be left alone rather than try to talk to any of her classmates, maybe explain or apologize, in her currently exhausted and annoyed mood.
“Hey, kid.”
Of course. Sigh.
“I said hey, kid,” Wolverine growled.
The Rogue glanced up then away, as if dismissing him entirely as something too boring to contemplate. “Hey,” she supplied grudgingly when it became clear he was waiting for a response.
“It speaks!” The sarcastically shocked look on his face got under her skin, but she was damned if she was going to show it.
“This seat taken?” He gestured to her empty table.
“If I say yes, you’ll park it anyway,” she grumbled.
“So it’s like that, eh?” Damn him, he was giving her The Eyebrow. She didn’t answer, preferring to glare at her scrambled eggs like they offended her mightily.
“Rogue, if you want me to go all ya gotta do is ask.”
The Rogue looked up at him with a sickly sweet smile, “So if I just ask, you’ll get lost?”
“Like I said last night,” she cringed at the reminder, “if you want something from me all ya gotta do is ask.”
Her smile turned to a bitchy sneer. “Ok….would you please leave me the hell alone, you perverted fuck?”
The teasing look on his face vanished in an instant and was replaced by a thunderous expression that made the Rogue seriously contemplate what it would be like when her life flashed before her eyes as she died.
Probably just a big blank reel of film with a soundtrack of agonized screams.
Wolverine growled threateningly at her before stalking away.
The Rogue smirked to herself. It would be much easier to stay away from him if he hated her fucking guts. At the same time, a small part of her winced at the expression on his face when he looked at her.
Well, at least him thinking she was a stupid, bratty shit would easier to deal with than the emotions and thoughts he’s dumped all over her last night with his gruff but kind words and that goddamn kiss that threw over her balance completely. The man from last night stirred up her brain into an even bigger mess than usual. A thoughtful, almost kind Wolverine was an anomaly that simply did not compute.
A pissed Wolverine she could deal with, he was mean, harsh, and uncomplicated. She could handle that.
She changed her mind that afternoon when she had to deal with him during a double DR session with the rest of her class. After the fiasco the day before, Xavier insisted the class immerse themselves in more intensive training so mistakes like the day before wouldn’t happen again.
The Professor also felt that the Rogue needed to face her classmates head on and for them all to figure out a way to work together as the mistrust and tension between the rest of the team and the Rogue was almost at the boiling point.
“Ok, listen up runts!” Wolverine barked after they finished warming up. “Today we are going to focus on working with the Rogue. She kicked all your butts last time for two reasons.”
The Rogue grinned broadly at his praise. She couldn’t help it.
“One: She doesn’t know how to control the drain.”
She flushed hotly at his crude assessment of her single-handed ass-kicking of the beta team.
“And two: you all should learn to handle mutants like her, drainers, manipulators, people who can neutralize, counteract, or burn out your mutations. She’s not one of a kind.”
How dare he!
“Hey!” the Rogue shouted. “I can hear you, y’know!” Kitty giggled at her classmate’s embarrassment as did Iceman, who was still annoyed with the Rogue.
“I know you can, kid,” Wolverine drawled that last word and her ears burned in anger. “Xavier said you demanded to train with your mutation and you’re gonna.” His eyes lashed over the rest of the students, “And you bunch of snot-noses are going to help and also learn how to handle mutants with abilities like hers.”
The Rogue almost flinched at the combined looks of Jean, Scott, Kitty, Kurt, and Bobby all drilled into her, some thoughtful but others gleeful and conveying it was definitely payback time. She stiffened her spine as she looked at her teammates and she was damned if she was going to betray any hesitation in front of them.
She took off her gloves, flexed her hands, cracked her knuckle, and smirked as Kitty took a step back as if aware she’d be easy pickings for the gloomy girl.
“First things first, let’s see if you can take a mutation from someone else without knocking them the fuck out,” Wolverine growled at her, not liking the way she was giving Kitty the shank eye. “Hold your hand out Rogue.”She held it out to Kitty, her grin turning darker as the other girl huddled close to Bobby.
“Nah, not gonna let you try one of them right off. I can recover faster,” Wolverine said as he took off one of his gloves.
“No way.” She shied away from his reach. “No way am I letting you in my head.” She most definitely did not want any of his thoughts from the night before muddying up her thoughts again.
“Hold still,” he growled fiercely and even the other students shied from the menacing tone in his voice. “If you just do what I say then I stay upright and all you get is some of my powers, not my head.”
He latched onto her wrist covered by her uniform. “Palm down, don’t want ya grabbing me.” He had the audacity to wink at her and the Rogue tried to twist away, but at the sound of a snigger from Bobby she stopped. She was not going to puss out in front of everyone, so she sighed dramatically and held out the back of her hand.
Wolverine counted “1…2…” She could hear everyone’s breath stop, even her own, the silence in the room crackling with tension and a slight frisson of fear. They all remember what happened when the Rogue knocked Wolverine out in class last time.
“3…” He suddenly drew his index finger over the back of her hand then snatched it back just when the sizzle of her mutation tried to snap at him more viciously.
“Whoa,” Scott said as a collective sigh of relief went through the room. “You’re alive.”
“Don’t look so disappointed, Scooter,” Wolverine laughed. “Ya both just gotta be quick. Any longer than a half second or so and she’ll put you in la-la land.”
Rogue marveled that she hadn’t absorbed his life and knocked him out, didn’t take those freaky images from the night before. She stroked the back of her hand where he’d touched her thoughtfully.
All she felt was energized, they way she always did when she took him in, like she’d just had a shot of adrenaline with a hormone chaser. As addictive as the first time, she practically felt a full body blow to her senses and nerves. Intoxicating and luscious. The only thought she’d taken from him was one of intense concentration on the task at hand.
She sniffed and could detect the individual scents of everyone in the room: the minty cool of Bobby, the sickening cloying smell of Kitty’s vanilla lotion, the slightly antiseptic tinge of Jean, *ugh* too much Polo on Scott.
The heady musk of Wolverine, who looked at her with a hooded gaze. Her own eyes darkened as she heard the light bellow of his breath, tasted on her tongue the salty tang of his sweat tinged with a spike of slight arousal.
She shook her head to clear it.
I am not going there. No fucking way.
Something wicked lay in that direction, and she was going to avoid it if at all possible. But it was a struggle to tear away from his intense stare.
“How do you know it worked?” Jean queried skeptically, one fine auburn eyebrow arched.
The Rogue grinned at her with bared teeth then sunk them into the meaty flesh between her own thumb and forefinger hard, breaking the skin then held out her hand to them. Even as a few blood drops fell to the floor the other students could see the deep marks melt together and fade in seconds. The pain felt pure and really good as did the shocked looks on their faces.
“Oh man!” Kurt said, fascinated.
“Ugh, did you totally have to do that?” Kitty shuddered from where she was peeking over Bobby’s protective back.
“What would you prefer? She use one of my claws?” Wolverine snarled. The smell of her blood did little to quell the animal in his head, neither did the scent of her pleasure at the pain she’d inflicted on herself. He did not like the way the others looked at the Rogue in barely disguised awe and unease.
They’re all mutants for fuck’s sake, what gives them the right to stare at her like she’s a freak?
“Alright, who’s next?” he asked. After a few seconds’ hesitation Kurt stepped forward, pulled off his glove and quickly touched the tip of one of his three large fingers to the back of the Rogue’s hand. He yanked it back with a hiss.
“What did she do?” Bobby asked, his eyes narrowed.
“Nothing, I think. It just felt…really weird.” Kurt’s eyes took on an unfocused look for a moment before they cleared. “A little dizzy, but I think I’m okay.”
The dubious looks on the faces of the other students, with the exception of Kurt, made her terse with irritation,“C’mon, I don’t WANT to hurt any of you.”
The varying disbelieving looks from her teammates had her looking at the toes of her boots rather than at them.
Time to man-up, you can do this she thought to herself.
She took a deep breath.“I’m sorry about what happened yesterday.” She caught Wolverine’s smirk from the corner of her eye.
Bastard, don’t you dare enjoy this.
But if she was going to survive here she might as well take her lumps, especially when they were deserved. She straightened her back and raised her head. “I’ll try not to let it happen again.”
“Try…you’re going to just try? Wow that makes me feel like so much better!” Kitty made a face at the Rogue from behind Bobby.
“Yes, that quasi-promise doesn’t make me very comfortable,” Jean said stiffly.
“Look!” she bristled. “I can’t turn it on and off like you” she stabbed a finger at Kitty, “or you!” She glared at Jean, who still regarded her haughtily.
The Rogue’s temper flared. She’d tried to apologize, sort of, and wanted to try to work with them, but they were being assholes about it.
“Would you ask Scott to just TRY not to blow a whole in a wall if he took his visor off?” The other students looked taken aback. “Or tell Kurt to TRY to stop being blue and to lose the tail?” The elf clutched his appendage with a stricken look on his face.
Wolverine stayed back with no intention of interfering. This was her fight and she was going to have to deal with her teammates and the ramifications of yesterday, and all the days before, if she was ever going figure out whether she had a place in this school or on this team.
She couldn’t hide forever.
“Scott’s got his visor and Kurt’s got his holo-projector to protect themselves and others. I don’t have SHIT! What do you want me to do, wear a damn burka for the rest of my life so you feel ‘comfortable”?!” she sneered the last word at Jean, who finally had the good sense to look abashed.
“You know what’s NOT comfortable, having to wear long sleeves and jeans in the middle of summer; NEVER going to beach because you might kill someone sunbathing; to have to wear gloves to eat, even to SLEEP; checking the lock on the door 5 times before you change clothes!!!”
The Rogue was in full flare now, her face twisted in frustration.
“I said I’d TRY because that’s all I can fucking do! I’ve being TRYING since I fucking got here, but I guess that’s just not good enough for y'all!”
Scott took a step forward, holding out a reassuring hand towards her, but the Rogue spun away.
“No, I don’t want your pity!” she hissed. “Goddamnit, I wanted your help.” Her voice was quiet now and the others shifted uneasily at her admission. “But fuck all of you!” the Rogue shouted and bamfed out of sight to reappear in the control room above them before stalking away.
Stunned silence filled the room after her abrupt disappearance. Jean and Scott traded pained looks, whereas Kurt glared furiously at the rest of his team. Kitty and Scott stared at the floor.
Wolverine indulged in a sarcastic slow clap at the team’s complete clusterfuck. “Nice going. Great teamwork. Really fucking great.”
Jean opened her mouth. “Shut it! I think you’ve done enough talking, Red.” He glared levelly at each of the students in turn, long enough to make them all look away. “I’ll deal with her when she calms down. If…and I say IF…I can convince her to come back and give you jerks another try I expect FULL COOPERATION!” He roared the last two words, and they all quailed under his vicious tone.
Hours later, the Rogue was locked still in her room confused, embarrassed, angry…and hurt. She smoked cigarettes on her bed,fuck-all to the rules, her headphones cranked to top volume, drowning out the voices of her teammates ringing in her ears.
Say your name.
Try to speak as clearly as you can.
You know everything gets written down.
Nod your head.
Just in case they could be watching.
With their shiny satellite.
Disgust. Fear. Curiosity. Hesitance. Revulsion. Terrified awe. Their feelings evident on their faces, not a damn liar among them, not even to save her feelings…if she had any worth saving.
Why do I let these assholes get under my skin? They don’t wanna help, fine. Fuck them all.
She fumed; at the same time she felt guilty. She’d not made it easy for them to trust her long before today. Her rule-breaking, rudeness, sarcasm, mood swings, mean pranks, scorn. All of it had turned them away from her much more effectively than their fear of her mutation ever could have.
She’d brought all of it on her own head. But was it too much to have them cut her little slack when she was trying to fix what she’d messed up? But even when she tried she still messed it up.
Xavier’s school took on strays all the time, some of whom were definitely up to worse than the Rogue and her personal rebellions. A few had even left to join Magneto, the Morlocks, the Brotherhood and other worse groups. But when a few of them came straggling back, having been dumped by their less-than-savory cohorts, they were given second chances.
The Rogue had never been given a chance at all.
Why do I even bother to stay?
She couldn’t answer that.
The simple fact was that it wasn't just the physical impossibility of striking out on her own or that she had nowhere to go wasn’t the real thing that kept her here. For some incredibly annoyingly and unknowable reason she wanted to stay.
She had a life here, such as it was. A shitty, dark, depressing, occasionally exciting, and recently thrilling sexually charged, life. But it was a life. She’d never had one before, not really.
She’d just existed with no direction beyond surviving each day with as little human contact as possible. Directionless, aimless, meaningless.
Turn it up.
Listen to the shit they pump into your head.
Filling you with apathy.
Hold your breath.
Wait until you know the time is right on time.
The end is near.
She could have meaning here. A purpose.
Could have had she corrected herself.
Looked like that wasn’t going to happen, not if the others were scared of or upset with her. While the Rogue was a wrathful person, her ire was always directed inward. She might lash out at others, but it wasn’t about them. It was about her own rage at herself stored up to the bursting point, then she exploded.
No one understood that. Except maybe Wolverine.
She knew why he didn’t stop the argument in the DR. He knew she had to stand up to the team on her own, apologize, maybe even ask for help. Ok, so she hadn’t exactly asked so much as screamed at them when they were hesitant. But that wasn’t their fault. She never made it easy, she never gave them a reason to trust her. She only took their trust and used it.
Like Wolverine said, “Sometimes it ain’t all about taking.” She didn’t know how to do anything else, but she wanted to try.
Damn you, get out of my head!
But he wasn’t there. Not really.
No voice urging her on to violence, like she’d allowed in the DR the day before. It hadn’t really been his personality, more her own subsuming his rough voice, recalling his bestial desire for the hunt, to justify her own need to inflict pain on others before they could hurt her.
A purely selfish and defensive means to an end.
To fulfill the midnight prophecy of her skin. To keep her alone. Safe from others. To keep them safe from her.
She didn’t want to, but the fact was she could destroy them all, even she didn’t mean to. She could kill them, every single one.
Am I made to kill? Is that why I was born?
That thought scared the shit out of her.
I hope they cannot see.
The limitless potential
Living inside of me.
To murder everything.
I hope they cannot see
I am the great destroyer
She fell asleep finally with the pained soundtrack to her life roaring in her head through the earphones.
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Chapter End Notes:
next chapter long overdue smut. i was going to have it in this chapter but the DR scene took a new direction other than the one i'd planned.