“If any boy ever hurts you, you tell me his name and I'll go break his nose. And various other body parts if I feel like it. You hear me, kid? Don't take any shit from 'em.”
I laughed the first time that Logan told me that, a dark expression roughing up his features. He had seen Bobby, who had asked me out on a date the previous night, talk to Kitty in the hall. A regular chat between friends to them; outright unfaithfulness to Logan.
I laughed because I didn't feel much besides friendship towards Bobby, and because Logan was the only one who had managed to get under my skin enough to ever even be able to hurt me.
It was cute how protective he was of me and at the time, I read a lot into it. I was young, easily impressed and in love. What else could be expected?
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“That prick broke your heart, didn't he? Son of a bitch didn't know what he got. Oh I'll show him - ”
“Logan, please, stop. It's okay,” I muttered.
I had been crying into my pillow for about an hour already and at some point Logan had barged into my room and started cursing, popping his joints very audibly and flexing his muscles.
“I'm serious, you know? Say the word and he's got a broken jaw. Deserves much more for treating you like that, the little fucker...”
He never bothered to ask what happened, so I never told him that I was the one who had ended things with Bobby.
Guilt was making my stomach cramp and my tears spill freely as I thought about the look on his face. I'd told him that we would never be truly happy together, because I wasn't in love with him.
What I didn't tell him was that I was in love with another, with the man who was currently pacing my room, hissing profanities and demonstrating his creativity when it came to methods of torture.
I felt like a traitor for letting him believe that Bobby had broken my heart, but didn't have the courage to tell him the truth. So I hugged my pillow to my trembling body and continued listening to Logan's rant.
There would be sweet words of comfort and strong arms around my shoulders when he had calmed down. They would be worth the pangs of conscience.
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“Always knew you couldn't trust the Cajun. A fucking man-whore, that's what he is. I'll tear the asshole in half!”
Once more, tears were streaming down my face.
Remy had broken up with me a few minutes ago, telling me he really cared about me but that he couldn't be with someone whose heart wasn't in it; and that mine obviously wasn't.
“Just forget about it...I'll be okay,” I sniffled.
Remy's words really had hurt me, most of all because I knew they were true. I had given my best this time, trying so hard to do everything right. I almost had myself convinced that I was in love with him when he blew up my charade.
“You keep saying that, but it's not. Nobody treats you like that and gets away with it. He won't be able to walk when I'm done with him...!”
Even when Logan was as angry and dangerous-looking as right then, I couldn't help but find him beautiful in his own way.
I should be over him. I should have been able to appreciate what I had with Remy; even with Bobby at the time.
But there was only ever him and it tore me apart.
I didn't bother to tell Logan the truth about what had happened between Remy and me.
I knew he would sit by my bed all night, holding my hand until I finally fell asleep and telling me I was worth much more than being with one of the scumbags at school.
And maybe, for a second, I would believe it.
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“Who's it this time? Who hurt you, kid? Do I know him? You know all you need to do is tell me his name and I'll take care of that dick.”
I managed to laugh through my tears and shook my head. I had been on my own for a long time now, knowing that having a relationship wasn't worth the try and would only end up hurting me and whoever I was with.
Being alone did have its advantages, but the long nights spent thinking about Logan and how hopeless my situation was certainly weren't on the pro side of the list.
“What would you do to him, Logan?” I asked calmly.
“Whatever it takes to get the message across. I'd break his bones one by one...”
“Adamantium can't be broken. You know that,” I whispered and Logan stared at me in shock, his mouth hanging open.
“Wha...What'd I do, kid?”
I laughed dryly, but didn't answer.
What had he done? I could give him a whole list, starting with treating me like a kid even though I was 21 years old. It would also include fucking Jean every other week and lying to me about it. And then there was having a weird kind of hold on me, not letting me stop loving him no matter how much he hurt me.
“Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I'm not sure – ”
“Don't worry, I'll be fine. Just need a good breakdown every now and then.”
He stared at the floor, fidgeting with the zipper of his jacket nervously. I knew he wouldn't sit with me and hold me until my tears had dried this time.
“Listen, kid, I'm real sorry, I gotta go...I got...uh...a thing with Jean...mission stuff to go over...”
“Go, I'll be okay,” I told him, holding back the new flood of tears that I felt coming. I had to keep it up at least until he was out of the room.
I clenched my eyes shut and shook my head to his question whether he should come check on me later.
Should he come back to me, smelling like Jean and having that wild glow in his eyes? Tell me he was sorry again and ask me what he had done to make me cry? I didn't think I could bear any more of that.
I opened my eyes upon hearing the sound of the door falling shut and felt tears roll down my cheeks.
If only I could crack her bones...tear her in half...break that perfect nose...but it wouldn't accomplish anything.
He would never love me.
I wasn't her.
I was the girl who was worth more, who had to be protected, who didn't deserve to be hurt...but then there was Logan, the materialization of the gaping distance between the way things were supposed to be and the way they were.
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Story Notes:
this popped up in my head when I read some old poems and continued floating around while I was working on Sweet Troubled Soul. it had to be written down before all the angst and drama could sneak into that ;)