But I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something that I could handle
Like, where the hell is Kitty? She’s supposed to be here by now to phase me in some food and a copy of the newest Gerard Butler flick. I’ve been hid–er- no, not hiding more like avoiding… with a passion. I sneak out to go to work; I teach the younger kids and they totally love me but besides that I’ve been living on my bed for the past month, just avoiding.
Why am I so reluctant to go out my front door, you ask? ‘Cuz Johnny’s out there.
Damn idiot.
Click
Clack
Click
Clack
“Go away, Damn it” I yell.
“No. Not until we talk.” He says calmly. He’s always so damn calm. So damn nonchalant.
“Then you’ll be there forever.”
“Fine by me.” Damn stubborn idiot.
He’s out there every day.
Directly across my door, sitting on the floor in the hallway, playing with that stupid lighter. I wake up to that sound every morning and it’s the last thing I hear when I go to sleep. He only leaves to go teach and I always go to work about five minutes after he’s gone. He’s our new creative writing teacher; perfect job for a bullshit artist.
Ok, that wasn’t nice. He doesn’t lie, not really, more like makes you fall in love with him and then rips your heart out.
I would blast him again but the professor gave me the whole try-not-to-use-your-powers-on-a-housemate speech.
Anyway, I’ve become, like, a master at avoiding him. Well except for team meetings, nothing I can do about that.
Kitty says it’s because I don’t know whether to kick him in the nuts or kiss him silly.
Rogue says I should do both. See which one makes me feel better. I know I’m definitely on board for the first one.
Click
Clack
Click
Cla-
I’m in bliss when the noise stops and I close my eyes for a second and just enjoy the silence. I practically fall out of bed from the banging on my door.
“I told you to go away.”
“Open the door, Yella”
Wolverine?
I untangle myself from my sheets and watch as candy wrappers fall to the floor. So? Chocolate has replaced vegetables as one of the four major food groups for me. A girl has to find her comforts where she can.
I yank the door open and… well, I’m speechless. I have never been speechless, believe me. Just ask… anybody.
Logan is standing near my door with a bottle of what I know is strong liquor in each hand and a cigar in his mouth. Behind him Rogue has both of John’s hands locked behind his back in one hand and in the other she’s holding his lighter. I can’t help but smile ‘cuz she’s so totally kickass.
“Me and you, we gonna talk.” Wolverine says as he pushes past me. I’m still staring at Rogue.
“Don’t worry. Me and Johnny are gonna have ourselves a lil chat of our own.” I nod, still mute, and close the door. When I turn around, Wolverine is actually staring at my room in disgust.
“What?”
“Jesus Christ you’re a pig.” Yeah, like’s he Mr. Clean.
“You’re just now figuring that out?”
“No. But, damn, this is bad, even for you.” Shit. He’s right. I’ve let my room go this past month. Gee, I wonder why? In case you’re wondering, that was sarcasm right there.
“I just… I haven’t been myself lately.”
“’Cuz of Pyro.” He says it all knowing like. I sigh and he hands me one of the bottles. “Crack it open. Let’s talk.” Then he opens his bottle and chugs it.
“I don’t know what to think. One second I miss him, then the next I want to kill him.” I take a sip and let the whiskey burn my throat. I feel warm instantly. He doesn’t say much, just lets me talk it out… and drink. “You know how hard I have to try to not abuse my power over him.”
I probably should have mentioned that we are all on the team and I’m kinda his boss. See, the professor had too many mutants join his merry band of leather wearers so he split it into two teams. Scott, is the team leader of one squad (We all thought he like, bit the big one but, long story short, Phoenix wanted him dead but Jean protected him. Dude, even I don’t understand it fully, I’m just so glad to have him back) and Storm is his second.
My girl, Rogue, is in charge of the second team and guess who she chose as her second. Give up? Me. That’s right, I’m in a position of power, insert evil laugh here. Which reminds me…
“Dude. You sure you’re ok with not being Roguey’s second?”
“Listen, sparkplug, I’m here for the ass whoopin’ and I can still do that whether I’m in charge or not. ‘Sides can you see me makin’ plans and leadin’ people and shit?”
“I don’t think you’d have the patience for it.”
“Hell no.” He is starting to sound buzzed. Then he tilts his head just like a dog, I swear he does, and he laughs… kinda, more like a chuckle or a bark of laughter? I don’t know, I’m drunk now and I can’t think through the fog in my head. “She’s tearin’ him a new one. Go to the door and listen.”
I obey because, well like I said I’m drunk and I can’t think of anything better to do. I lie down next to the door and press my ear to the crack under the door.
“Damn it Johnny, leave her alone. Give her some space. You’re becoming a stalker.” I feel a little better that even though he’s like her brother, she still sees me as her BFF, she’s still looking out for me. I guess I’m a little jealous about that too.
“I need to make it right. It’s killing me that I hurt her.” Wow, he actually sounds… sincere.
“Just give her space. You don’t know the whole story and what you’re doing is making it worse.”
“The whole story about what? What don’t I know?” Crap this is getting into some dangerous territory. I glance at Wolvie and he’s giving me one of his rare sympathetic looks.
He says ‘please’ and it sounds so freaking pathetic that she throws him a bone. “Think about it Johnny. Logan is in her room trying to talk to her, trying to cheer her up in his own way. Why would he do that? When you left, he couldn’t stand her and now they’re almost best friends. Why? What could they possibly have in common? Think about it.”
He quiet for a long time and I am so nervous now. Then he says “All I can think of is Alkali Lake but wh-” Yeah. He figured it out. “They hurt her.” He sounds like he’s two second away from puking. I hope he doesn’t, I can’t handle the smell right now. “That’s what they have in common. The government fucked with them at Alkali… and I just fucking left her there.” He’s breathing really hard and I think he might actually want to cry. Why does that make me feel warm inside?
“Figured it out, huh.” Way to state the obvious, Wolvie. “I guess he’s not as big of an idiot as he looks.” I move away from the door and sit on the floor, my back against my bed.
I look at him and remember how he was the only one who got me to talk after that day. He told me what he remembered and I told him what happened to me. How I was the oldest one there that day and I felt it was my job to protect the little ones. How I put myself between them and those monsters every time and every time I was taken. They made it almost impossible for me to sleep at night, even now (Something I share with Wolvie and Roguey; nightmares. Yay!)
How they would always get me to do whatever they wanted by saving those magic words: “We can always grab one of the other children”. They knew I would stop fighting them after that. They poked and prodded and said vulgar things that finally made me understand hate. They never did that one thing I was terrified they would do but they came pretty close. I was still able to walk away with some of my innocence, something I’m grateful for.
I know now why Wolverine hates the government, why he’s on edge around uniformed people, why he hates the medlab because I hate them too.
The only good thing that came from it was I got myself a brother, someone to look out for me and keep my head on straight. We’re close. Like BFF close. Rogue is the only one who’s more important to him and duh, that’s just obvious why. I mean they’re getting hitched next month and when Rogue forced him to pick a best man, he picked me. How cool is that, huh?
Wolverine gets up, walks over to me and bends down to be eye level with me.
“He loves ya.” I shake my head, not because I don’t believe him but because it’s too much and I don’t want to hear it. “He fucked up big time but he’s tryin’ to make it right because he loves ya. He made a huge fucking mistake by leaving you and I won’t ever let him forget it because it hurt you and if he ever hurts you again I’ll gut him like a fish.” I smiled at that because he can be such a sweet guy in his own weird, homicidal way.
“So what are you saying? That I should take him back?”
“Never said that.” Dude, just spell it out for me. Doesn’t he know that I’m on the verge of depression? Plus I’m drunk. Why can’t he just tell me what to do? I stare at him until he talks again. “Just decide either way. Put the kid out of his misery. It’s pretty pathetic what he’s become.” How is he always right? “Life’s too short to sit on the fence kid, at least for you it is.”
He snatches the bottle away from me and walks to the door.
“Hey Wolvester.” He turns and rolls his eyes at my nickname. “Thanks. You rock.” He nods once and opens the door. I don’t know where I’d be without that dude.
“Come on darling.” He closes the door and I hear him say “And you, you better not give her any shit or else” and I hear his claws come out. He can be such a dad, and I love him for it.
I start picking away at my yellow nail polish as I think about things.
I do miss him. A lot.
And he was young when he left. He made a mistake. He knows that, we all know that cuz like, he’s here and he’s trying.
And I do love him. As much as I don’t want to, I love him.
But I’m hurting so bad and I want him to hurt too. Petty, I know but I don’t care. But then I think: maybe he has hurt, maybe he has suffered.
Ugh! You ever heard the saying, Life was so much easier when your clothes didn’t match and boys had cooties? Well mine would be: Life was so much easier before you fell in love with your smartass friend and before you were experimented on and abused, but I don’t think it rolls off the tongue as well.
By the time I’ve decided what to do, I don’t have any polish left on my nails, which means I’ll have to paint them again tomorrow but then I notice the sun is starting to rise and figure out it already is tomorrow.
I get up off my ass and decide to end the pity party for one. I’m sick and tired of hurting. I clean up my room, at least until I can see the floor and throw out all the wrappers, which is so many I’m actually kinda embarrassed. I take a shower and brush my teeth ‘cuz after all that liquor my breath is rank. After I’m dressed, I feel like throwing up ‘cuz I’m finally going to stop hiding from him (yes, I admit I was hiding. Big revelation over.).
I open my door and can you believe the idiot is still there. He’s sleeping, sitting up against the wall, his head at a weird angle. I can’t help but hope he’ll have a stiff neck. Oh, that was mean, I take it back.
I nudge him with my toe and he jumps out of his sleep. He’s looking at me like I could explode any minute.
“Hey.” He doesn’t sound like himself, he sounds careful.
“’Sup.” We just stare at each other.
Awkward.
“I know I fucked up and you probably don’t trust me anymore but how about we start over? Maybe try for friends, see how that goes.” I can tell he doesn’t exactly want that, I think he wants to continue where we left off but I like that he’s not pushing it.
“Ok. Friends.” I can do friends. That way I can learn if I can trust him again and maybe it won’t hurt so much to love the idiot. “Come on,” I give him my hand and help him up, “Let’s go to breakfast and give everyone a reason to gossip.” He smiles at that a walks next to me, not too close.
“I missed you.” He says it real soft and real quiet but there isn’t anybody in the halls so I hear it clearly. Maybe this can work between us. Maybe if we take it nice and slow, we can be… something again. Plus I know I call him an idiot a lot but he’s not stupid, he wouldn’t hurt me for fear of my new big brother Wolvie. Maybe I can open up to him just a little too. I take a deep breath and say it.
“I missed you too.”
Candle (Sick and Tired) by The White Tie Affair
I took a ride on a February morning,
Just getting over it and dealing with the mourning,
I started thinking out loud
I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired,
My baby's flying off the edge of the road,
She's saying I'm so sorry about that note
That left me all alone
But I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something that I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Because I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle
Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste,
I'm burning out now,
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I know we're hanging at the end of the road,
We've flown too high, make a swarm too low,
I heard a screaming out loud,
I heard a screaming out loud
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something that I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Because I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle
Think,
All the things that you say,
What are the things that you mean,
What are the things that you say say say to me,
Cause your tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All this blaspheme,
Your kingdom is crumbling,
You're a tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All this blaspheme,
Your kingdom is crumbling,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something that I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Because I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle
Burning for you,
Burning like a candle,
Burning for you,
Burning like a candle
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Chapter 5: Jubilee
Song: Candle (Sick and Tired) by The White Tie Affair
Song: Candle (Sick and Tired) by The White Tie Affair