I've loved you with the innocence of a child, the truth of a friend, and the passion of a lover. I love you, Logan.
Those words haunted me as I fled down the deserted road toward the empty landscape. Every time I didn't keep my mind obviously preoccupied on some other topic, those words echoed in my head until I felt that she was right there behind me on the bike whispering in my ear.
What you would give for that to be true.
Fuck that. Instead, the mansion was hollow. At the same time, it was too big and too small. I had to leave, to find a larger place to lose myself in. Lose the pain and the hope. What hope, I didn't know.
…the truth of a friend…
How dare she say those things to me? Barely a week after Jean's death, she approached me like any other time. I easily accepted her company while shunning all others. But I should have known that this time was different. Her face was more solemn, her eyes more bruised, her body more hidden, except I was still too wrapped up in my own grief to even begin to notice what any friend should have.
A good friend would have.
She started in a halting fashion that almost made me want to just ask her to spit it out. Whatever she wanted to say couldn't be that bad. But something thankfully made me hold my tongue for her. Of course, maybe if I hadn't she wouldn't have said anything.
That's selfish, you bastard.
But I am selfish. It is how you survive on the road alone year after year, mile after mile. Yet I broke that cardinal rule for her, time and time again so it only made sense that I would continue to do so.
"Promise?"
"Yeah, I promise."
No, no. It was a childish promise made to child. She wasn't a child anymore, I wasn't liable for her.
Then why do you feel guilty.
Because idiocy must be catching. First the X-Mansion, then the missions, now… Now I've lost one of the few people that ever looked at me like a real person, treated me like a real person, liked me. Even if I was the bad boy.
And you're walking away from the other.
Maybe.
…the innocence of a child…
Goddamnit. She is still a child. No, she isn't. Otherwise I am still responsible. If she is grown-up, then her feelings can't just be disregarded, can they?
Isn't that why you're running?
Not running, just moving on. Ties brought trouble, didn't I just find that out the hard way again.
Did she scare you that much?
The Wolverine is never scared.
Did the truth scare you that much?
I am not scared.
Then why run?
Not running.
Are you afraid she might be right?
Right about what?
She loves you.
So? It's her life. She is entitled to think and feel how she wants. The fact she picked me for her affections is just some hero worship gone bad. Poor thing should've have known better than to pick me for her liking.
She did.
What?
She never asked for anything from you, did she?
…
You are as free as the day she met you. She didn't for ask anything from you. She only took what you offered.
So what does that mean?
It means turn that damn bike around.
And what will that solve? I don't have a past, a name, or anything to offer her.
…the passion of a lover…
We were never lovers. I wouldn't dare. She's still too young. And her skin…That is workable but she is still so skittish.
Not with you. Never with you.
I'm insane. What do I do? Just walk back in like nothing happened. Pretend I didn't jet?
Talk to her.
Easier said than done.
Always is.
I'm going around in circles here in this argument. I'm not stopping.
Then don't.
Exactly.
But don't ever expect to be able to come back.
What?
Leave now and that's a bridge that will be burned so bad there will be no rebuilding it.
Yeah, probably.
With Marie?
She isn't mine.
She could be.
Impossible. I got nothing.
So does she.
Oh, so because we got a lot in common I should just turn around?
…
Goddamnit! Fuck. I don't know what to do!!
Turn around.
Then what?
Try something new. Try loving her.
And if she ends up just like Jean?!
She might anyway. Then where will you be?
Far away where it doesn't matter.
Really?
Yes! No! Fuck, I don't know…
Yes, you do.
She's 18 for God sake's.
I'm not saying go home and fuck her.
Home?
Yes, home.
Okay, so I don't fuck her. God, I can barely say that about her. She deserves better than that.
And you say you don't care.
Shuddup.
Too late, you know you are right. You like her, too much. And have for a while. That's why you threw yourself at Jean. Anything to stop the dreams at night that didn't relate to pain and needles. Mystique knew.
Damn blue bitch.
Turn around.
I can't.
Can't you picture her face when you come back?
What about that ice-boy?
What did it look like to you?
A train wreck waiting to happen.
So, turn around.
Damn it all!
Turn around.
Fucking hell!
Turn around.
Goddamnit!
Turn around.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
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Story Notes:
This is taking place entirely inside Logan's head. There is no third person involved, and no, Logan does not need to be admitted in the loony bin for this. We've all done it at sometime or another.