Rogue gasped, her shoulders jerking as she came out of the dream. While she waited for her heart to stop racing, tears trickled from the corners of her eyes and rolled across her temples into her hair. Heavy waves of guilt assailed her as she realized for the first time exactly what she had done to Logan by accepting his proposal.
* * *
She was acting weird, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was he found odd. It had started a few days ago, right after Rogue had said she’d marry him. Logan wondered if maybe she was regretting that decision now, so he watched her carefully for any clues.
The more he watched, the more confused he became.
They still talked just like they used to. She was maybe a little quieter than normal, but then so was he. Marriage and a baby were a lot to think about, even if it wasn’t going to happen right away. At least he assumed it wasn’t going to happen right away; they hadn’t talked about setting a date or anything yet. Rogue wasn’t acting shy or awkward around him. She wasn’t angry that he could see. But she did stare at him quite a bit, mostly when she thought he wasn’t looking, and sometimes even when he was. He shrugged that one off since he found that he had been doing his own share of staring. But when he looked at the way she stared, Logan was finally able to see exactly what was wrong.
Her eyes were sad when she looked at him.
At first, Logan interpreted that as proof that she was regretting saying yes. But then, as he thought about it a little more, he realized that he would expect panic more than sadness from a woman who was trying to get out of a proposal. That left him right back where he started: Rogue acting weird and him not having a clue in hell why.
So he did what any brilliant tactician would when faced with a lack of intel. He settled in and waited her out.
* * *
Two weeks, Rogue mused. Two weeks since she said she’d marry him and she was still too selfish to tell him she wouldn’t hold him to it. Too selfish and too much a coward. She wanted babies and she wanted marriage and at this point, Logan was the only way she was going to get them. What she was doing now was weighing her happiness against Logan’s, trying to decide if what she wanted was worth the pain it was going to cause him. She thought a lot and as a result, didn’t end up saying much when they were together. She stared at him when he wasn’t looking, trying to figure out if he was as aware of her presence in his life as she was of his in hers. She wondered, those times when he wasn’t paying any attention to her, if he had a permanent section of his mind and heart cordoned off and labeled with her name the same way she had one labeled “Logan.” And when he caught her looking at him and didn’t ask why she was staring, she couldn’t help but wonder if it was because he didn’t care, if it was his way of keeping her at a distance.
She was staring now, and even though she knew he was aware of it this time, he still didn’t say anything. Instead, he kept his gaze focused on the hockey game, leaning away from her into his corner of the couch while she huddled up in her corner. Their own little boxing ring, she imagined. But nobody was going to sound the bell to signal the start of the match, and so they sat, alone and silent in their corners.
Rogue told herself she was being an idiot. She could always talk to Logan about anything, but this time it seemed different. This time it was about something that would hurt him, something she wasn’t even sure he had ever thought about. She sighed and stretched her legs out a little, grimacing as her toes peeked out from the edge of the blanket she had draped over her legs and stomach. Without thinking, she stretched a little more and started to slip her feet under Logan’s warm thigh. She froze before her toes had even disappeared and yanked her feet back violently.
And ended up kicking Logan in the hip so hard he actually grunted in pain. Immediately, tears filled her eyes.
“What the hell’s the matter with you, kid?” he asked roughly, rubbing his hip even though the pain had already faded.
“I’m sorry,” she said, and the tears spilled over.
“Marie?” He sounded scared now instead of angry.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you!” she apologized. “I don’t ever want to hurt you, and I know that in the end I’m going to anyway. But I just can’t take it back!”
“Take what back?” Logan asked as he reached over and grabbed her feet to pull them into his lap. He sandwiched them between his large, callused hands and rubbed her toes a bit to warm them.
Rogue went back to staring at him and fell silent.
“Oh no, don’t start that again,” he said in irritation. “You’ve been starin’ at me for weeks and I’m about ready to go stark, raving mad if you don’t just spit out whatever the hell’s been botherin’ you.”
Rogue gulped in a breath of air to brace herself. She wasn’t going to be a coward anymore, she vowed, even if she was still selfish. Considering how much she was going to hurt him, he at the very least deserved honesty from her.
“I’m sorry. I never should have said I’d marry you. And I never should have asked you for a baby.”
Logan’s face immediately rearranged itself into a fierce scowl and his hands tightened on her feet so much it hurt. “Are you sayin’ everything’s off?”
“No.” Rogue shook her head, her hair swaying gently around her face.
He growled. With her feet in his lap, she felt the way it caused his stomach muscles to tense and the deep vibrations in his chest. “Then for fuck’s sake, woman, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I still want to marry you and I still want to have a baby. But I don’t think you thought everything through yet, so it’s okay if you want out. I won’t argue.”
His frustration deepened. “What is it, exactly, that you think I haven’t considered?”
“Logan, I’m gettin’ older, and the baby when it comes will be gettin’ older every day.” She held her breath.
He looked at her as though she had just confessed to rubbing nettles on her nipples because she liked the way it felt.
“Uh, yeah, kid, that’s the way it works. People get older.”
Rogue expelled the breath she was holding and blurted, “But you don’t.”
He tipped his head to the side and rubbed her feet thoughtfully. When she couldn’t take the silence any longer, everything came pouring out of her. “I’m sorry I didn’t think about it before. I should have. It isn’t fair to expect you to marry me and have kids with me. It’s selfish and mean, and I know that, but I still want to do it anyway even though you’d have to watch me get old and die. Even though,” she finished in a much smaller voice, “you’d have to watch our baby get old and die.”
She was crying again. She couldn’t believe she was still this upset; she had had plenty of time to think about it and should have been able to keep her composure as she pointed the sad facts out to Logan. Instead, she was the one blubbering while he continued to look at her calmly, his eyes clear of worry or sadness.
Rogue pulled the blanket up to her chin and hugged her arms tightly to her ribs. “Will you please say something?”
“Sure. You’re an idiot.”
Rogue gaped at him. “What?”
“And you’re a sweetheart.”
Fresh tears, these ones caused by utter frustration and confusion, welled in her eyes. Seeing them, Logan’s face softened and he leaned forward to grasp her around the waist and haul her bodily into his lap. Rogue buried her face in his neck and curled tightly against his chest, sheltering there.
When he spoke, she could feel the rumbling of his voice echoing through her own ribcage and into her heart.
“I already thought about all that, darlin’.” The new endearment gave her pause. “I know,” he continued softly, “that I’ll probably outlive you. And I know that if that happens, it’s going to just about kill me. And maybe the same thing will happen someday with the baby. But maybe not. He might be like me, Marie. He might still be here long after we’re both gone. And even though I know it’s selfish of me to hope that he’ll live long enough to suffer through watching people he loves age and die, I like the thought of him being here someday, remembering us, even though it hurts him.”
With a groan of pain that sounded as if it were pulled from her soul, Rogue began sobbing. Logan’s arms tightened around her and he rocked them a bit.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he soothed over and over until her crying lessened. Rogue rolled her head back on his shoulder and caught his eyes. He offered her a gentle smile and said, “If you’re still in, I’m still in.”
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Chapter End Notes:
*Sigh* This one put me through a bit of an emotional wringer. I just couldn't leave the entire chapter this sad, though, so I do apologize for the moment of levity if anyone finds it inappropriate. I hope that you get the same watery chuckle out of it as I did. :)