She watched the sky brighten with the dawn as her mind flooded with millions of thoughts and opinions. She knew that he was waiting for her down stairs. Knew that he had his own head full of questions to ask. She hadn’t slept at all the night before, wondering what he would start with. She hadn’t really given him any time to process and grasp what she told him before running out. But now he had spent the entire night thinking about it, no doubt just as restless as she had been.
But as the sky turned the crisp blue reserved for early morning and the world around her began to awaken, she knew that it was time to head down stairs. He would be waiting, and, although she was nervous, she knew that there was no running away from this. She would not be deemed a coward.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He was patiently pacing the living room floor, perfectly aware of John’s tired and amused eyes on him, watching. He had already growled at the boy a few times and all that got him was a couple of sleepy chuckles. He was just beginning to talk himself into going back upstairs and breaking down the door when he heard a familiar creek over head. A few seconds later, she was standing before him. Her hair was wild and tangled her eyes hard and sad, the flesh around them puffy. Her bottom lip was swollen, as if she had been chewing on it all night. And she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Neither of them noticed John throw on his shoes and hurry out of the door. Both just stood there for a few moments, studying each other, willing the other to speak first.
“I wish I had been there for you,” he spoke softly reaching for her before she could turn away. “I’m sorry, Rogue. I wish things had been different for you and that I could take back all those damn things they did to you. I’m sorry, Marie.”
She had thought she had cried all that she could the night before, but suddenly she felt her eyes begin to moisten again. She took a deep breath and held it, wishing that things had been easier for them. But wishing wasn’t going to get either of them anywhere. And nothing was going to change the past. “I am who I am, Logan. It doesn’t matter who I was before or what made me change. I only told you those things so that you could know, have some kind of insight. I am not going to be able to go back to being that scared little girl you almost left on the side of the road. I… I’m not who you left behind.”
“I know that, Marie…” Logan whispered back. “I liked who you were then, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love the woman you became any less.”
“Maybe I don’t love the woman I am, Logan…” She smiled at him sadly, shrugging her shoulders. “I don’t want to be this. This monster. Don’t you get it, Logan? This isn’t who I thought I’d be. And this damn well isn’t who you would want.”
“What are you talking about, Marie?” Logan asked quickly, his anger rising. “How the hell do you know who I would want?”
She smiled as she tapped her left temple softly. “You’re still up here, Logan. Everything that you had floating around in your head from the last time you touched me on top of that damn statue. I know how you felt for Jean. How you were attracted to her because of her grace and her elegance. I saw how you fell for her because you thought she was noble.
“And I saw you with her. That woman up in Alaska. Anna. She was elegant and smart and noble, too. But she was better than Jean, because she was sweet and soft and loving. She cared. I can care, Logan. And I can love you just as much as she did, but I can’t be that.”
“Marie, I don’t want you to change..”
“Good,” she said quickly. “Honestly, as much as I don’t like myself right now, I don’t ever want to be that. I will not be that damn weak again. It was being so fucking noble and sweet and all that bull shit that got us captured. I shouldn’t have fucking pulled over. I should have just kept on going. But I couldn’t. I was trained so hard to help anyone who really needed it, that my gut was gnawing at me to pull over. If I had just kept going, we would have been safe.”
“You still blame yourself.” His voice was becoming harsher as he spoke, realizing what she was saying. “Even after everything you found out, everything you did and orchestrated yesterday, how can you still fucking blame yourself?”
“Because I was fucking in charge, Logan. I was in command. It was my decision and my stupidity that got us captured. I should have assessed the situation before pulling over, and I should have been ready for anything,” Rogue said bitterly, unable to rein in her temper. “It was my responsibility. I will not go through that again.”
Logan didn’t know what to do. He had known that she was hurting, but he hadn’t realized how screwed up she really was. How the hell was he going to help her with this?
“Marie… You and I both know damn well that it wasn’t your fault. You were just a kid,” he began slowly, reaching for straws. “You didn’t know better, and, you’re right, they pounded that fucking nobility so far down your throat, you didn’t think twice. Now you know better. It’s a hell of a way to learn it, but you know the lesson well. Don’t let them fucking do this to you.”
“Logan, you really don’t get it, do you?” She said with a funny little shrug. “I’m not who you want me to be. I never will be. It’s that simple.” And she turned to walk away from him. But he wasn’t going to do this again. It was now or never for him. Reaching out, he grabbed her arm and pulled her back to him, not sure if her skin was on or not, and not caring either way. He pulled her close, kissing her with everything he had at the same time.
She tried to pull away from him, tried to fight off his hold and his lips. But she knew it was useless and allowed herself to melt into him as his tongue explored her mouth, caressing her own. She felt her knees grow weak and knew there was nothing she could do.
He broke apart from her, watching the color come back to her cheeks as she gasped for a breath. He wanted to do more, wanted to touch her and make love to her right here, but it was her turn. This would be her decision. She would have to make up her own mind and reach for what he was offering her.
“I love you, Marie. And you are exactly what I want. But I will be damned if you expect me to chase you around the world for the rest of eternity. That ain’t me. And it ain’t you. You take what you want, Marie. No matter if you deserve it or not.” Logan’s eyes were hard and angry, but she could clearly see the heat and passion in them. “I can’t promise you forever, Marie. Because, for us, that’s a fucking long time. But I can give you now. I love you. The woman you are right this moment, and I want to see the woman you are going to become. Do you want me or not?”
She didn’t know what to say. She wanted him. Had for years. But now that he was actually giving himself to her, she was stumped. Could she even allow herself to have this one thing?
“I… I have to think about this, Logan. I need time.” She wanted to fly into his arms and forget about everything that had happened. But it just wasn’t feasible. There was too much baggage now, to much animosity on her end. She needed to find herself again, to fix her head before she even considered what he was proposing. To figure out if this one thing that she wanted more than anything else would actually be good for her.
He saw the wonder on her face, and the questions in her eyes. He pulled her in close again, this time so that her body was flush against his. His eyes met hers, saw the fear in them, and knew that he would have to squash that.
Going in slowly, he kissed her again. Not as hard as before, but just as deeply. He tasted her mouth, running his tongue playfully over her lips as he coaxed her mouth open. It didn’t take much for her to begin to respond. He caressed her tongue with his, tasting her. His hands holding her close and tightly, in case she tried to back away. But even he knew she wasn’t trying to. Not now when her arms were wrapping around his neck, her right hand burying into his hair and pulling him even deeper into the kiss.
The moan that escaped from her throat was enough to stir him further, and he knew that she wasn’t going to protest as his hands began to explore her body, still not breaking the kiss that was supposed to be sweet and tender and turned hard and demanding.
He explored her body gingerly, touching her in places that made her moan louder each time. He loved the way her skin felt under his touch, the heat the he evoked in her. The way she said his name in that breathless way with the hint of a southern drawl.
She let her hands wonder lower in a frenzy, searching desperately for the end of the fabric that made up the grey t-shirt, hiding beneath the layer of jean’s he wore. Finding it, she quickly pulled it up and out of where it was tucked in, her hands quickly roaming under the fabric, her fingers eagerly teasing his skin. He growled appreciatively as her hands dove lower.
“Are you sure about this?” Logan asked, forcing himself to break the kiss. He needed to know that this was what she wanted. He had a feeling that once this started, he was not going to be able to stop.
“Yeah, Logan. I’m sure,” she whispered quickly, her voice pleading and wanting. “Don’t stop, Logan. I need this.”
He growled again as he pulled her to the floor with him.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The lay together on the floor of the living room, a tangle of body parts and pillows pulled down from the couch. He was holding her close, listening to her heart slow as she drifted in and out of sleep. They were completely naked and comfortable, neither wanting to move, even though both knew that the others may come in at any moment. Rogue wasn’t sure if she would be ready for everyone to know, though. She still wasn’t sure if this was what it looked like.
“I love you, Marie,” Logan said softly, not sure if she heard him. The quickening of her heart beat told him she had. “I mean it. I love you, and I want you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Marie.”
“Logan…”
“No, don’t do that,” Logan replied gruffly, turning to look at her. “I want you, and I want everything with you. I know you want the same. Marry me, Marie. Be my wife.”
Rogue’s mouth ran dry as she heard what he was saying. Really heard. But was she going to believe it?
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Author's Chapter Notes:
“Maybe I don’t love the woman I am, Logan…” She smiled at him sadly, shrugging her shoulders.
Chapter End Notes:
Yeah!!!!!!!