If there was a better time to have this conversation, Logan didn’t have a clue when it would be. They were still reeling from the fight, still tense and itching for more. This was the time for things come out in the open, this was the best time to ask her questions that she wouldn’t try to hide from, and this was the only way he could get her to open up. It was an old scar that had been wounded again in her mind. The memories draining from the cavity like blood, the pain twice as much and more powerful. She had been careful not to absorb anyone, not wanting to mix their memories with her own.
And now they sat around the kitchen table, cups of fresh tea sitting in front of them, cooling and going untouched. John was set strategically in front of him while Rogue say in the middle, eyeing him closely.
“You want to start talking, Darlin?” Logan asked quickly, trying to get things moving. “What happened to you in there? Both of you?”
“Scott’s already told you the sum of it, I assume,” Rogue replied, looking into her cup without any real interest. “At least, the parts that I’ve told him?”
“Yeah. But I have a feeling that you didn’t tell him everything,” Logan replied, cocking an eyebrow at her. “What are you still hiding?”
“Everything,” she whispered softly. “The things I told him… That I told you. That was the easy stuff. I didn’t say anything about the beatings I took, or about the first guy who was in charge of me and the things he did to me. He tortured me, Logan. He tortured me because he thought I knew something he wanted desperately to know.”
“What was this?” Logan asked slowly, a cold hand clamping over his heart. He had an idea that he already knew, but he still needed to hear her say so, still needed her to say the words. “What did he want from you, Rogue?”
Rogue looped up at him again, her eyes boring into his. She didn’t blink, didn’t move. Logan wasn’t sure if she had stopped breathing or not. “His name was William Stryker. He was this big military person. Logan, he wanted to know where you were. From what I could gather, he was once in charge of this military program called Weapon X. He was the one that gave you your claws and your name.”
“Do you know what happened to him? Logan asked softly, his eyes shifting from John to Rogue.
“Dead,” John said quickly, his eyes shining bright, his body language unresponsive. “He screwed up one too many times. Wasn’t doing what he was supposed to do. Too worried about finding you. And when he saw that Rogue had the tags, he kind of lost it.”
Logan looked at John questioningly, his eye brow rising swiftly. “And how would you know about this?”
“Because I’m the one that killed him,” John replied with a shrug. “It was part of my learning experience. How to kill a man with out care. It’s how the operation was run. There were ranks. Rogue was at the highest, and, as far as I know, she was the only one. I think they relished in the fact that she could take a life with a single touch. They were trying to figure out a way around her side affects, though.”
“Kitty and John were stealth,” Rogue interjected quickly, wanting to move the conversation forward. “They were being trained on how to get past enemy lines and infiltrate. Spies, I guess. They were being trained to answer directly to me and no one else.”
“Which explains why Kitty was able to do what she did out there without a second thought,” Logan said thoughtfully, referring to the way Kitty killed Jean. “And the others?”
“Grunts manly. I think that Colossus was given a higher ranking, but it wasn’t by much.” Rogue sighed, sitting back, knowing that both men’s eyes were on her. “We were a strict military unit, Logan. Better than the Marines, really. There were no second guesses, only following orders. They demolished who we were and rebuilt us from the ground up. They made us almost inhuman.”
“And what about you two?” Logan watched Rogue’s eyes widen in shock, saw how John’s body stiffened. He had hit a sour topic, but he wanted everything cleared. “What happened between you two?”
John and Rogue looked to each other, and there was no denying the pain the swam in her eyes, not the sorrow expression on his face. They were still looking at each other when Rogue spoke, and Logan realized that he was just a spectator watching them, looking in on their lives. “John and I… We didn’t have anyone else, Logan. You have to remember that. I was kept mostly isolated from the others. Other than a few experiments and to watch them while they trained, I wasn’t to have any contact. Even most of the guards lacked the proper authorization needed. I was told that I was better and more valuable than the others and they were beneath me. I was beaten and rapped and tortured. All because I wasn’t willing to lean before them, I didn’t want to become their little pawn.”
Rogue paused, and Logan wondered if this was all she was going to share now. Finally, after a few seconds, she looked to Logan and began again. “My chip was placed around the same time, but it was before I was to kill Carol. We were still in the experimenting stage, and they scientists were curios about something. So, they started letting me see a few of the others, one at a time, of course. The first few, well, they were randomly selected. I hadn’t known them before, and, from what I could tell, they had been around a lot longer than I was and had been institutionalized. There were a couple of times that I was happy to find that I was better trained than they were.
“Finally, after the third one made no head way, they took a different route. They brought John in. And, suddenly, I wasn’t alone any longer. Here was a familiar face. A little battle worn and weary, yes, but familiar and I had something that I could grasp on to. It was how they got to both of us, how they were able to bend us to do what they wanted.”
“We would do anything not to lose each other again,” John said sadly. “The others, they weren’t like us. They were just trying to stay alive, and if that meant following orders, well, that’s what they were going to do. I think Jubilee might have tried to fight back, but she paid for it, dearly. She set the example. Grunts come a dime a dozen and any insolence from them would not be tolerated.”
“They were the ones,” Rogue continued when John looked away, “who didn’t have either the ability, like Kitty, or the personality, like John. The grunts had the worst of it if they didn’t conform. They were told frequently that they were the easiest to replace. Jubilee’s strong, but it wasn’t a good idea to push too hard when you’re a grunt.”
“And it was different for Kitty,” John jumped in quickly before Logan could ask any questions. “She wasn’t strong enough then to take what they would have done. She wasn’t mentally capable of it. She would have lost her mind. You remember how she was before.”
“So what about you two? What did they make you two do?” Logan felt his stomach do a flip as he asked the question he wasn’t sure he wanted an answer to. He didn’t know how he would feel if he found out that they had been lovers or something on that line. He knew that he would have to get past it, but he wasn’t sure how he could really do that.
“I’m not proud of it, Logan. But it was what we had to do. And we were good enough at it that no one suffered.” Rogue said defensively. Logan felt his curiosity pique at that. What was she talking about?
John sighed, sitting back in his chair, closing his eyes. Logan caught the salty scent of tears emitting from his, and he realized that the young man wasn’t just trying to fight back the memories, but the emotions as well. Rogue was breathing slowly, her own eyes closed, gathering her thoughts.
Logan waited patiently, knowing that this was hard for both of them, but also safe in the knowledge that they would tell him what had happened before the sun finished rising.
Suddenly, Rogue opened her eyes, and he could see the pain etched in her face. He suddenly realized that her eyes were a thousand years older than before when she was a skinny little slip of nothing hiding beside his bike. And, to think, he almost left her on the side of the road. Where would she be now?
“For awhile, until they were sure there wouldn’t be any more surprises with the chip, John and I were trained together.” Rogue’s voice was eerie and slow, her eyes vacant, and Logan had the distinct impression that she was caught in the memories. “When they knew without a doubt that there would be no other problems, a team was formed to bring in what they called new recruits. There was a list of those that were specifically chosen for the abilities they possessed, and we were told that anyone else was dispensable. We were not to leave behind any witnesses and to look out for others that had not been discovered. There were to be no one with obvious mutations. Only those who could at least pass for human. At least for the most part.”
“We were good at what we did, Logan. And we didn’t have a choice in the matter. Not really. One of the men was given the device that would control Rogue’s mutation and I had a very limited amount of fire that I was able to work with. Fighting back was futile.” John didn’t open his eyes while he spoke. It was almost as if he was trying to stay out of it, distance himself from the conversation as much as he could.
Rogue shook her head, continuing, her voice colder now. She didn‘t want to be interrupted again, and both men at the table now knew so. “There were five of these recruits all together. The first three went smoothly enough. No real mishaps. I was able to put them down with a simple touch. The first was on his way home from school. African American male. Seventeen years old. High school senior looking forward to graduation in a few weeks. A mutant in hiding. Ability to darken and reshape himself until he could pass for a shadow. Very useful for a stealth position. Unfortunately, very gullible for a pretty face in distress. He went down with a single touch. He was one of the few rescued among us and is now back at the mansion. He’s the only one that ever forgave us for what happened.
“The next was a woman in her early twenties. She was on her way home from a receptionist job that she had just started. Half Caucasian, half Japanese. Street hard. High intelligence that would have taken her far if she had been given a decent shot at life. But between the poverty status of her parents and a school where the teachers were more interested in keeping the students alive rather than teaching something above the minimum basic programs needed to function in society, she didn’t have a chance. Then there was her mutation. She could sense other mutations. Great for recruitment. She was going to make it easier for them to find more. She knew what I was before I even saw her. Not naive, but she came willingly. Stating that anywhere was better than here. A week after our return, Colossus was given the order to dispose of the carcass. We were sent out again. It seemed that her mutation was ideal, but not powerful enough. Disposable.” Rogue’s eyes narrowed at the memory of being told what had happened. The girl hadn’t been able to sense a mutant more a mile away. “The next went much the same way, except there was a slight problem. She was sixteen years old and making out with her boyfriend at the time. She was mutant, but he didn’t know. When we showed up, she resorted to trying to fight us off. Shot one of the guys with a ball of plasma. Her boyfriend went running. John set him on fire.”
Logan’s eyebrows shot up at the casual way she said it, his gaze shifting to John, who only shrugged his shoulders. “I did what I had to do.”
“The next two were different. Together and special.” Rogue rolled her eyes as she spoke again, not particularly caring. “They were brother and sister. Only about a year apart. Somewhat telepathic. Could speak to each other through a psychic link only they shared. The older, the boy, was twelve and he was able to talk to machines. A hacker, if you will. His sister, the younger one. Well, she was more special. She was a strong empath and capable of manipulating dreams. She could take your worst nightmare and twist it until you were sure it was real. She was only ten years old.
“We found them, underground. They were living among the Morlocks.” She raised an eyebrow at him, questioning whether or not he had heard of them. When he shook his head in agreement, she went on. “We had to kill quiet a few to get to them. I wanted to get the hell out of there, but our orders were stern, urgent. Under no circumstances were we to return without them. I was personally informed that my mutation would be short circuited and I would be left to the mercy of the Morlocks. So we took them, and left behind a massacre”
“What happened to them?” Logan asked soberly. He had known that there were even more powerful mutants out there, stronger than he had seen, but this was almost too much for him to comprehend. “I didn’t see anyone like that out there, and their was no one like that back at the school?” He could vaguely remember the first boy she spoke about. He had seen him a few times, going from here to there, catching his scent when he was using his mutation to blend in. Logan hadn’t thought anything of it.
Rogue paused, taking a sip from her now cold cup of tea, her nose scrunching at the taste on her lips. “Andrew, the boy; he died during one of his experimentations. They didn’t realize how powerful he was, assuming that he had just come into he and his sister had just come into their abilities. He was strong, both physically and in mutation, but… His mind was weak. It gnawed at him, the way he and his sister were being treated. The way he was being used. They brought in a computer one day, just your average laptop. Cheap. The kind any Joe Public would own. They pushed him. His mutation beyond what they assumed he was capable of. Really, he had reached far beyond what they wanted. So he pushed further, and ignored their commands to stop. He continued when they pleaded with him to stop. He ignored their protests, ignored their threats. He even ignored his sisters voice in his head, begging him not to do it. He pushed until his powers flew out of control and became too much to contain. He pushed until his body ran out and his brain exploded within his skull.”
Logan was silent, unsure of what to say. He didn’t like how this was going, the things she was confessing to. The Marie he knew wouldn’t have allowed that to happen, would have stopped it or given up her life. He couldn’t help but wonder if maybe they had broken her a little more than she was willing to admit to herself.
“The girl, Odette, she never forgave us. She lived through our rescue, and, when she finally saw me again, after we were back at the mansion and she was preparing to leave for that school run by Emma Frost, she let me know that I would burn in hell for what I put them through. I think she lost her mind when her brother killed himself. She had his voice inside her head for so long, it was apart of her. I think I would understand how losing it could drive you crazy. I don’t know what I would do without mine.” Rogue looked away then, unsure of what he was going to do. She wouldn’t hold it against him if he walked away right now, but it would still hurt. She didn’t give him a chance to, though. She couldn’t take it right now. Instead, before either him or John could stop her, she stood from her chair, knocking over and breaking her tea cup from the table, and turned and walked away. She was mentally and physically exhausted. Any questions he still had would have to wait until morning. If he was still here.
~*~*~*~*~*~
“We were lovers while we were there,” John whispered as he poured the last of the broken china into the garbage can. “It was all that we had, really. All that we could hold on to when the darkness came for us. I think it was what kept us sane, the knowing that we were far from being alone.”
“I really don‘t think that I want to hear this,” Logan replied slowly. He didn’t want to know how they had clung to each other. He didn’t want to think of how she had to give herself to someone else just to keep her mind.
“Of course not, but you have to. If you want to understand her, you have to,” John said, turning to stare at him with fire in his eyes. “We were lovers, but we were never in love. We found comfort in each other’s bodies after they put that damn chip in, but, in our minds, especially hers, we were with other people. The people we always wanted to be.”
“And who were you thinking of?”
“This person or that. Women that most boys want. Movie stars, singers, porn stars. It didn’t matter. No one I really thought that I could have. But that’s beside the point.” John paused, taking a deep breath before continuing, hoping that he was making the right decision. “The point is who she was thinking about, Logan. We both knew that we weren’t making love to each other, but just mutually using one another. It doesn’t make it right, but, for the time, it didn’t really matter. It was human. We weren’t monsters when we were together in the dark. And we could see happiness, even if we both knew that it would disappear when the sun rose. She called out your name in the night, Logan. She called for you as if you could hear her, as if you were the one inside her body. And, every time, when it was over, it was for you that she wept for. She never gave up hope that you would come for her. Not until we were rescued by Scott and she realized that not only were you not there, but you didn’t even know. If four years, you hadn’t returned once to check on her. Not even a call. I think it was then that she wanted to stop loving you. I’m not even sure if she can, though.”
They stared at each other for a moment, both wondering what the other was thinking. John wondering if Logan was going to skewer him for the omission. Logan wondering why John didn’t just kill him and get it over with. Finally, John just nodding, strolling out of the kitchen and heading for one of the couches in the spacious living room where Logan had thought he was going to sleep. “Go to bed, Logan. She still loves you, even if she doesn’t want to.”
Logan paused before heading upstairs to the spare bedroom, wondering how in the hell he was going to fix this mess.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Author's Chapter Notes:
"It was how they got to both of us, how they were able to bend us to do what they wanted.”
Chapter End Notes:
Sorry this took so long, but it was really difficult to write the middle. I wasn't sure where to go with it at first. I think I took the right turn. Feed back, please!!!!