As I walked through the doors a familiar sensation swept over me and I did not question it. Reminders of the present came to me and I fought back a grimace. Overall the kitchen was a mess because I hadn't bothered to clean it up so it looked like a tornado had swept through. My child sat looking up at me with a question on her lips.
"Daddy what are you gonna tell mama 'bout dis mess?"
"That I found it this way kiddo." Dropping a kiss upon wavy auburn hair so like her mothers' I had to wonder as usual at my luck. As I picked her up to take her to her room to complete the complex ritual known as "bedtime" she clung to me with her usual veracity, staring at me in wonder as she questioned my sanity.
"Daddy but isn't dat a wie?"
"Not technically. I found the kitchen to be that way after we were done makin' ya dinner sweetpea."
"Daaaaddddyyyyyy…… Dat's a wie. At least I tink it is…. Isn't it?"
Chuckling I tucked her into bed. "Don't worry 'bout it none kiddo. 'Sides you know I'm NEVER messy…." My words trailed off at her glare of disapproval. How had she perfected that already? It was just like Marie's and 'Rhea was only four. Man it was a good thing I never knew Marie back when she was little, she woulda had me wrapped around her pudgy little girl fingers quicker than I could blink, waiting on her hand and foot getting her any teddy she wanted and checking under her bed endlessly for monsters. Smiling as 'Rhea turned over so I could rub her back in those soothing circles that were sure to get her to sleep in less than five minutes, I couldn’t help but turn to my favorite pastime other than caring for my family. Philosophy.
Now usually I just questioned the nature of my being and what made the world turn, not what was truth and what was lie.
Thinking on the quiet trust that 'Rhea and Marie always gave me I came to the simple conclusion quite quickly. It was perception. Splitting hairs and technicalities, one person could see a statement as truth and another person could see that same statement as a lie.
Double speak if you will. Our politicians, religious representatives and we, ourselves use it every day. When then does this perception become so skewed that while it can be presented as truth to many, how can they be sure that's what it is? Parents tell their children that this double speak that we use everyday, loopholes in perception for those who are minded to phrase it that way, are white lies. That they can't harm you. Now I know Marie will be pissed as hell that I'd split hairs with her by saying that I "found the kitchen that way." But if or possibly when, could my splitting hairs turn to real lies.
At what point would I make that irrevocable step, and would I even realize it?
Do the people who mislead us intentionally feel that they are liars?
Are any lies in any format, a good thing?
Part of me says yes, there are real reasons why a "white lie" is a good thing.
But the part of me that has always tried to be honest with myself, says that it isn't a good thing but the simple thing, the easy thing.
When though have I truly taken the simple way? Too many times come to mind. The Easter Bunny is real. That I loaded the dishwasher but used all the dishes again after they were clean. That I wasn't scared. Santa Claus (Claws) comes down chimneys and leaves presents. People are all inherently good. That a mission that almost killed me wasn't really as bad as it was. That I don’t occasionally hate Marie's mutation. That I would have never taken Jean if I had known that I could, instead of Marie because it would have been easier.
My child and my wife trust me. But what in the hell have I really done to earn that? Sure I protect them. Yes I love them. I fear loosing them. And the truth is that I will loose them. Sometimes I don't take the easy path despite the pain it will cause me. Not potentially, but WILL. Are good memories worth having if you get the people who bring them into being torn from you?
I still know that perception is what makes truth. And what makes lies. It's so simple, so why can't I come up with a good answer for why I still choose the easy path despite my continual bravado? And that’s a lie too, now that I think about it. Bravado is a lie, a false courage that makes others think you aren't scared. Truth is that I will see my little girl grow old and die, or loose her some other way that is more sudden and painful. Same goes for Marie. Even though I can heal her, will I be able to at the crucial moment every time? The answer for that is no.
Sometimes I just want to leave my wife and child. I love them too much to loose them, but I might be able to walk away from them. But I doubt it. There are only three times I've not taken the easy way out and walked the path of fire.
Picking Marie up and taking care of her. That was the first.
Marrying Marie and knowing that 'in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part' was something that I had to look forward to. Kinda like someone with MS who knows that they will wind up dying because their muscles atrophy and the air is robbed from their lungs after years of painful decline. That was the second.
Watching my daughter be born, and knowing that I, her father, will never be able to completely protect her from the evils of this world, that I will see her die just as surely as I will see Marie die. Third time is supposed to be the charm. The only charm there is in it that I have found is that my daughter is a blessing. Yet another one grace unto me that will be torn asunder.
Every morning I get out of bed I remind myself to never forget to be vigilant. And I lie to myself and say that love is worth all the pain I'm in store for.
It's all perception. And right now all I know is that I wish I could take the easy path and never have known this. And that 'Rhea hadn't asked me that damn question.
Maybe I'm not as lucky as I thought. Maybe tomorrow will bring a different perception to me. I know I'm lying again, but I'll keep doing it cuz it’s the only easy path open to me now, cuz just as much as I can't bear knowing that Marie and 'Rhea will die...I can't bear being the one to pull the trigger.
"Logan? What are you thinking so hard on shugs?" Like the light of my life that she is Marie comes and sits on the bed next to me lighting the path for me to see. Perception is what you make of it. That is not a lie. A gentle touch to my hand laying on 'Rhea's back reminds me that for now……. I will live in the moment and not think of the consequences of my lies. Or of the truths that I know.
But one look at the gloved hand covering mine and I know. Marie knows. And she has always known. That she, the woman who has soothed so many of my hurts is my true source of pain now and she will always be. It is something she will never be able to forgive herself of, because she loves me, and has continually tried to save me from hurt. She will die in my arms if I'm lucky. But I have shit for luck. I fell in love. And that is the worst luck ever. Because love doesn’t live forever. I will hate her after she dies and leaves me. Alone. No easy path. Just jagged edged glass under my feet. Until I find the strength to let something kill me.
That's why she's never really joined the team. But she did go on this mission...why she has cloistered herself in safe walls, despite her invulnerability, most of the time...what a crock. It's half-assed most of the time; it'll stop a bullet, but not a rocket, tell me how that makes any sense? Because she wants to spare me as much pain as she can. Be here for me as long as possible. But I can see it wearing away at her, she's a fighter my Marie, and that nature will be my downfall. Not even 'Rhea's life is more important than Marie's. Heaven forbid losing 'Rhea before "her time", but if Marie was still alive in that instance… I could heal her enough to always have more children with her.
Marie knows it all though.
Every time I've wanted to leave, all she has done is tell me to be happy. There won't be any happiness without her, I never even knew it was anything more than a concept. A pipe dream and a white lie told by those few who perceived that they had it. I just want to go before her, when I pray, and it is every moment of my life now, it is for that I ask. Let me die before Marie so I never know more pain. No more. Don't give this wonder to me just to take it away and expect me to be sane afterwards.
"Shugs...there was an accident on the mission." Tearing my eyes from her small hand, I bring myself back to this little girl's room. 'Rhea loves green, I painted forest murals on her wall. "Shugs...look at me." I don't want to look at Marie. I don't want to know what went wrong, because then she might be a figment. "Logan. I'm here. Look at me." Small, silk encased hand tugs my face to look at her. Her lips… have I ever noticed how pink they were? Yeah, yeah I have. She has these fine lines at the corners from smiling so much… she's only thirty-five...but those lines aren't there now.
"God no...Marie..." she has to be gone, this has to be a hallucination because those lines couldn’t be missing from her face, and all I can do is choke. The hand is pulling my head to look up into her eyes. The fine lines are absent there as well. "God no..."
"Shugs...I had to take on Sabretooth..." Visions of what that monster would have done to my lovely, beautiful wife...I know those images are going to drown me. "I killed him. Drained him dry. But now...I have his healing factor...Shugs? Are you listening?" my mind is locking down. Marie's dead and this is just a specter, her last sending of love to me. Then the pull starts. Maybe god's answering my prayers...I won't have to be around now…. Good, death is far preferable to not having Marie. But why did it stop?
I don’t want the fog to lift. I don’t want to know my wife is dead while I live. But that soft silk glove still filled with fingers strong enough to bend adamantium with very little effort are still holding my face, forcing me to look directly into eyes that are liquid chocolate. Now though those eyes are different. Flecks of gold shimmer back at me, elongated pupils. "James Logan Hunters. Look at me. I KILLED Sabretooth. I am ALIVE. Not gone. Just look at me. C'mon Shugs, snap out of it." Her voice is getting annoyed and impatient. Oh what I wouldn’t give for that to be….. shit.
Three heartbeats fill the room. Mine, 'Rhea's...and Marie's. Finally I know. Perception of truth… mine does tend to be alittle skewed. And hey, she doesn’t have to stay home all the time now...but it would still make me feel better.
Grinning, at last I see clearly. Everything is alright. I still will have to deal with 'Rhea's death...unless she has the misfortune to inherit my mutation, which I DO NOT want her to be subject too. But Marie's will be so far off...unless she does something stupid...but fuck all those worries now. I got my sleeping princess and my wife next to me and for right now everything is good in the world. And that's no lie.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Story Notes:
I have a whole list of notes for this one I would post. But my convoluted brain would not come up with a way to phrase it so others would either understand or not get snarky.