I fumbled for my cell phone, reaching deep into my purse. My eyes latched onto the caller ID and my heart lurched, I closed my eyes briefly. My heart sped up and my spirits sank. Every time he calls.

I knew Logan needed me, just like I knew I’d eventually answer. I also knew my heart would be broken by the time the night was over. It was the same old same old situation. I knew where he was, they’d called me already. I don’t know if it’s control over his metabolism, or his body knowing he wants to get drunk as hell, but he’s been managing it at the same bar for the last two weeks. After the first time he’d called me, I’d left them the number to reach me at whenever he came in and got too drunk. Luckily it was a mutant friendly bar.

When I slipped in the back door, Logan was entirely too drunk to notice. He’s probably completely numbed his senses. He didn’t notice me when I slipped into a table to his right, or even when the bartender used my assumed name.

“Hey Anna, he got a ride here today. Cab dropped him off. Sorry you had to come get him again, but you know how he gets.” Bert, the owner of ‘The Rodeo’ was a balding old man with a beer belly and a no nonsense attitude.

I smiled at him, sadly and nodded. “Can I get a coke?” I asked as I shoved my keys into my purse. “Put it on his tab.”

I watched him for a while, his hands moving slowly over a white sheet of paper in front of him. I knew without looking he’d been drawing Jean again. He’s very good and it always tears my heart in two different directions when I see some of his work. One way, there’s his sadness and loss and guilt and grief over loosing Jean. The other way there’s all the sadness, heartache and loss I feel over loosing him. I know he’ll never come back to us. It’s just the way it is. I don’t have a miracle drug to pull him back from the edge, just newly touchable hands and skin that he doesn’t even seem to notice. The mournful country music floating out of the jukebox seems to fit everyone’s mood.

When he wasn’t caressing the paper in front of him, he had his hands wrapped around a bottle of whiskey. Bert says it’s his third, so I know he’ll be pretty drunk for a while. He pulled out his cell phone, and dialed. This time it’s a text, but I know the words are the same ones left on my unopened voicemail. “Baby, I love you. Please, come.”

He still doesn’t know I’m here, and his words of love do more to break me down a little further and send me spiraling into depression than they do to convince me to come help him. But I’m already here, so who I am I kidding. I knew he didn’t mean it, but it’s all I got so I pathetically took it to heart.

He’s close to finished tearing himself up for the night, the bottle down to the last quarter mark. He alternated between drinking, looking at Jean’s portrait, and flipping open his phone only to close it before actually doing anything.

Another 15 minutes passed with the same repetitive motions and Bert called out ‘Closing time, last call for alcohol’. Logan looked at his bottle, then Jean, then the phone and flipped it open again. He started pushing buttons and I knew that it was time to put him out of his misery.

When I got two feet from him is when he finally noticed my presence in the bar, and quickly folded up the paper and slipped it into his jacket pocket. I’d gotten a glimpse of it before it was out of sight, and something was wrong, the profile wasn’t right. He took a long pull from what was left of the whiskey before turning to me.

“Baby” he slurred, leaning toward me. I slipped an arm around his shoulder, doing all I could to keep his 360 pound adamantium frame on the barstool while I reached into the other pocket for his wallet. I pulled out his cash and paid the tab, leaving a good tip for them having had the thoughtfulness to call me.

I help him stand, thankful for my continued training in the Danger Room and with the Junior X-men. So I could be there in a pinch if they needed me. With Kitty finding out she was pregnant, and Logan a little unreliable these days, I’d had to fill in a few times. I felt another spasm of heartache when I thought of Bobby and Kitty. I hadn’t been lying when I’d said I’d taken the cure myself, not for Bobby. But I think it hurt me even more for him to break up with me when he had the option of touching than it would have if he hadn’t.

My attention is ripped back to my present situation because Logan lurched into me and I had to concentrate to be kept from being thrown off balance. We were getting random looks from people in the paring lot and I ignored them, silently telling them all to mind their own business. I managed to retrieve my keys and open the door to my Jeep before I lost my grip.

He helped get himself up into the Jeep by grabbing and pulling with his hands, and pushing off with his feet. I’m glad the roll bars are made of whatever they’re made of, because they’re strong and don’t bend under Logan’s weight. He grumbled a bit when I buckled him in, but I ignored it.

I didn’t know whether or not he wanted to go to the mansion or to my apartment, but since I didn’t feel like dealing with the 20 million questions about Logan and how he’s doing and how I’m doing that I always get when I bring him home late and night like this, I opted for my apartment. He could deal.

I sighed and looked at the sleeping Logan that I somehow had to get from the passenger side of my Jeep to my apartment. That involved two flights of stairs. I got out and walked around to his side. My scent was all around him and usually that made it safe for me to wake him, but he was drunk and that always made me wary.

“Logan.” I called, out of range of swinging distance. He stirred a bit and I called out again, a little louder. That got me a mumbled ‘Marie?’ so I deemed it safe and moved closer.

“Come on Logan, I can’t get you out and up the stairs on my own power, I need your help.” I’d kept my voice in soothing but forceful tones the whole time I’d been speaking. Opening the door while his attention was on me and what I was doing. His golden eyes opened a little, and he growled slightly. I let out a low sigh.

He wasn’t moving so my tune turned pleading. “Please.” I said as I reached over to unbuckle him, releasing the belt and grabbing his hand. Sometimes I forget that the tiniest thing can send Logan over a couple of different ledges, depending on what it is. For instance, using the last word that Jean said to Logan right before he killed her, always made him angry sad and ready to kill something all at the same time. So each reaction you got was always different and never predictable. This time was no different.

He quickly grabbed the hand that was reaching for his and jerked me toward him. He buried his face in my neck and growled a low painful noise into my skin. He knew instinctually that I was safe now but he never thought about the sensitivity of my skin. So the feel of his breath, the stubble on his chin, and the soft movement of his lips all combined to create a shiver that started at my toes and worked all the way up my body, making a pit stop in my lower regions and my breasts. All a reaction that was truly unintended on both our parts. He never even noticed.

“I’m sorry, Logan.” I wrapped my arms around him and just held him for a second. “Come on.” He complied and it turned out his healing had kicked in enough that he was able to walk fairly steadily up the steps and wait for me to open the door. He was tired as hell though, I’m assuming from putting his healing off or whatever he does. Plus, it’s really late. I guide him into my bedroom and plop him down on the bed. I’ve only got a loveseat and there’s no way either one of us will fit.

I help him with his boots and clothes, leaving him in boxers and tucking him under the blankets. He’s out in minutes. I head into the kitchen, grab a bottle of water and then into the bathroom. I’m way too tired for a shower right now, so I brushed my teeth and changed into shorts and a camisole top before climbing into bed. There was that moment of fear when he snuggled up behind me. An involuntary knee jerk reaction of having that much of my skin being touched all at once. I’m quickly over it and settling into that happy place I always find myself in when someone I love is touching me. It never matters if it’s just Jubilee touching my hand, or ‘Ro wrapping me in a tight hug, or Logan brushing hair off of my cheek. Although I’m fairly partial to his arms around me, his fingers brushing the skin at my waist, and my cheek against his neck; but being spooned with a heavy arm draped over me and his face snuggled into my neck is by far the best away to fall asleep.

I woke up to his hands roaming over my sides, and his teeth nibbling on my earlobe. He was half asleep I could tell, but when my name fell from his lips I couldn’t have cared less about his state of wakefulness. He moved half on top of me, rolling me onto my back in the process. His lips found the skin above my breasts, and he kissed them nuzzling my cleavage as my hands moved up into his hair.

It couldn’t have been that long since I’d went to sleep, but I could tell the alcohol has worn out of his system by the light in his eyes. I could also tell that was the exact moment he’d become completely awake. He’d finished with my breasts and was nuzzling my neck again; his hands had quit their roaming and settled on either side of me. Left hand by my shoulder, right hand hovering near my hip, his knee was nudging mine apart and he was awake enough to seek approval. He looked down at me, and I saw him realize what he was doing.

I knew immediately what he was about to do. It would have be bad enough for me in the morning, to know he came to me for some need he couldn’t meet alone, but I couldn’t let him deny me this. I wanted more than just almost’s and barely’s for the rest of my life. If one night with the man I loved was all I was going to get, then I would take it.

I was already writhing with need and flushed from his attentions, and I’m sure I was reeking lust and desire and want all over him. A pleading look in my eyes combined with his name moaned through my lips had him tossing caution to the wind and kissing me. Every touch of his fingertips and each brush of his lips were like setting fire to kindling, I burned all over for him. He set my blood on fire and did his best to quench the flames. He was hard and fast and soft and slow all at once, everywhere with his hands and mouth, sending me shooting through the sky.

Hours later, sated, tired, sore, and complete with Logan asleep on my bed, and me locked in the bathroom I cried for what will never be. Afterward, when I was boneless and shamed, I crawled into bed and pretended everything would be sunshine and roses in the morning. It didn’t help any when Logan wrapped his arms around me and growled low and deep.

Logan was up and drinking coffee at my kitchen table when I crawled out of bed. Neither of us spoke. It was awkward and clumsy and I wanted to get everything out in the open, so he could make some kinda off hand remark and everything would be ok again and we could pretend we were just friends and hadn’t crossed into forbidden territory last night. I absently wondered if he smelt the shame rolling off of me. I wondered what our mixed scent smelled like, and felt a twinge of pain in my heart at the thought. I can’t stay here. I thought suddenly. This is only gonna end one way, and I know it’s not the way that’s gonna enable me to carry on like I need to. Not when I’m looking at him everyday.

He beat me to it. “I’ve got a cab on the way. Thanks-” he stopped seemingly at a loss for words. “Thanks for last night, for… everything.” I couldn’t help the blush that stole across my cheeks, I wondered if he’d realized he was my first. “Look, I just need some time Marie. Time to clear out my mind, a little time to be me and deal. After that…” He trailed off.

A horn honked outside and I was glad, because I didn’t have the heart to listen to him tell me that after that he’d be leaving. He stood, and walked over to me. Wrapped me in a tight hug and brushed a kiss across my mouth. “Marie…” The horn blared again and I prayed he couldn’t tell there were tears waiting to be released from my eyes.

“Go on, Logan.” I smiled my brightest smile at him. “They’ll leave without you.” He looked at me for a few more seconds before turning to go. He left his coat.

When the cab was completely out of sight, I started packing. Throwing everything I could, clothes, snacks, toiletries, everything I’d need into my suitcases and duffel bags. I loaded my Jeep and ran back upstairs to check for everything that was important to me. I penned a note for my landlord, telling him to keep the deposit and please make sure the rest of my things went to Xavier’s Institute. Then I wrote a letter to the Professor.

I told him I needed to go away; there were things I had to deal with. I didn’t know how long I’d be gone, or if I’d come back. I thanked him for everything and told him to give everyone my love. I told him to give Kitty and Bobby my best wishes and to tell Logan ‘Thank You’. I also asked him to wait a week before delivering my news. I put a stamp on the envelope and stuck it in the mailbox on my way to the bank. I grabbed his leather jacket off of the loveseat.

I emptied my savings and checking accounts, $8,173.52 total. It was enough. I got in the Jeep and drove, hoping the road and the radio would help me where I couldn’t help myself.