Life is like an open book.
At least that’s how Marie was trying to live it this time around. Nothing shameful in need of concealment or lies being told to cover up unnecessary mistakes. She wanted just for once not to use her extensive reference of lies in order to have a conversation with someone.
So when Logan stopped by for a beer and a chat, why did she feel tempted to fall back into old patterns?
“You’re sure this roommate of yours is legit?” Marie was glad Johnny was staying overnight at his sister’s.
“Yes, dad, he’s a lovely boy.” He cringed whenever she called him a paternal nickname, glared when she laughed at his discomfort. “He’s a mutant. Let’s just say, we never have to pay a heating bill.”
“Sounds dirty.” He grinned, fangs bared.
“Gross. And Ah already told you, we ain’t like that. He’s not a ‘one woman’ kinda guy.”
“I see.” Logan mulled that statement over while taking a long draw from his Molson beer bottle. “Met anyone?”
He wasn’t asking if she’d had any ‘gentlemen callers’, so much as he was asking if she’d done any unladylike things. She smirked. Fine, if he wanted to know, she’d be an open book.
“No one Ah ever wanted to see again. ‘Though there was this one guy. A brit musician.” She waggled her eyebrows while Logan sniffed haughtily. “We got acquainted backstage at a Duckworth & Sons concert.” She tried to hide the smug look behind the rim of her mug, but it must have crept up into her eyes, because Logan’s narrowed with suspicion.
“Duckworth?”
“One of the Sons, actually.” He looked pretty perturbed either way. “Sexy dark eyes, cute little dimple on his left cheek. He sure knew how to strum a banjo.” She added a wink.
“Aw, hell Marie, I didn’t need to know that.”
It got her thinking; she’d been in town only a week and Johnny had forced her out in an attempt to ‘get to know each other’. She’d had the feeling he found her attractive, so when he left with a perky blonde bartender, she felt a sexual ache replace her initial relief. It didn’t take more than a minute for Rogue to go on the hunt, and when she found the banjo player loafing around by the stage door she already knew how things would progress. They’d talked for all of ten minutes before he had her up against an unplugged amplifier, dexterously unbuttoning her shirt while seducing her with his delicious liquid accent that could have melted her pants off. There had only been one bump in the road – he was deep inside her at the time – when she felt the adrenaline pumping furiously through her veins and she bit his neck a bit roughly. He hadn’t complained, but in her head she felt more than heard the Wolverine. It was... confusing. She felt that feral intrusion magnify her lust tenfold, while alternately whining inside that the man she was with was the wrong one. Whoever the right one was, she had been too busy at the time to consider.
“Earth to Rogue.” She was propelled back to her kitchen by one of Logan’s massive hands waving in front of her eyes. She batted it away, rolling her eyes.
“Ah thought we were done with twenty questions.”
“Alright. Anything you wanna ask me?”
“Not especially.”
“I can smell that lie rolling off you.”
“Sounds dirty.” She echoed, purposely taking a drink of her tea so she wouldn’t have to see his reaction. “What’s the point in askin’ you about mah old life? That’s done. Ah don’t wanna ask to make small talk.”
“That really how you feel, kid? We’re your ghost life?” It was surprising how angry and hurt he could look, and how he could make her care.
“Look, don’t you want me to be happy?” She asked frankly, feeling her upper hand slipping away.
“Of course.” He answered slowly.
“Then what are you doin’ here?”
“What the fuck kind of question is that, Marie? I know we’ve been at each other’s throats this past year, but I’m trying!”
“So Ah should try back? Ah’m sorry if it hurts your feelings Logan, but Ah’ve been changin’ for the past year and Ah’m finally likin’ the place mah head’s at, and you’re tryin’ to drag be back a step! Doesn’t it matter to you that Ah was miserable the last six months Ah was at the mansion-”
“It’ll be different this time!” He was leaning forward across the table, his abdomen pressed against the IKEA table hard enough to shove it against her knee. “And you runnin’ all over hell’s half acre ain’t growth when you’re runnin’ away from somethin’. Me comin’ to take you home, isn’t draggin’ you back a step. It’s for your own good!” He chanted the last sentence in his head – even if deep down it was a half truth.
“Horseshit! You’re not here for me. You’re here for yourself.” She mimicked his zeal and found herself doubled over the table, getting in his face. She realized too late that his proximity to her was miles too close, so she stuttered over her words like the shy teenager he first met. “Or Storm. Or Bobby... or the X-men, but you ain’t here for ‘my own good’. Don’t pretend any different.” She leant back in her chair, and exhaustion swept over her and embedded itself in the form of a headache. “Please, let’s not fight anymore. It makes me tired.”
“What am I supposed to do?” She wanted to laugh. He was lost without the option of fighting.
“Just... Ah don’t know.” They were not like when Johnny’s old school friends visited, crashed on the futon and had nostalgic toga parties. “We’ve never had the most normal relationship.” The easiness she injected in her tone seemed to soothe him enough so he sat back, a little less on edge.
“That’s a hell of a’understatement.” He glowered, reaching for his next bottle. He took a long drink before saying what was so obvious. ”I just wanna look out for you.” It really hit home on his drive up there that she wasn’t evil, wasn’t dead or lost for good. She was all he had left. Maybe that’s why he was so fiercely protective.
“That’s nice.” She said casually, then considered being honest. “Well, sometimes it’s nice.”
“I know I’m a bastard, you don’t have to sugar coat it.”
“Ah’d never do a thing like that, sugah.” Well, Logan thought, ‘sugah’ is better than ‘dad’. Without asking, he grasped the handle on the tea pot and poured her more peppermint tea. She smiled, eyes sparkling. “Well thank you.”
“Is this what we’re gonna be like now? Tea parties? Do I need to wear my Sunday hat?”
“As opposed to beer guzzlin’ hockey nights, talkin’ about girls and monster trucks?”
“I don’t watch monster trucks.” He heaved a bereaved sigh and scratched his chest uncomfortably. “Damn Marie, seein’ you here... you can take care of yourself. It scares me kinda.”
“But you’ve hidden it so well.” She deadpanned.
“That’s what I’m afraid of. That you’re hiding shit from me. Maybe everything’s not as perfect as you’ve been telling me.”To his credit, he wasn’t yelling anymore. He actually sounded more run down than after Alcatraz. “After this past year... it’s hard to imagine you being alright.”
“For fuck’s sake, Logan, don’t give me those pity eyes. Up until Ah don’t know when, you hated my guts.” Again her tone was casual, but there was sourness in the way her mouth formed the words.
“I never hated you. I was fucking fuming as hell, probably had a few thoughts of throwin’ you through some solid objects. And then I get gut punched by this,” without missing a beat, he slipped a folded brown envelope across the table toward her, “and then I was pissed again ‘cause you never told me yourself.” Frowning as she rifled the manila envelope open, it was a split second before she recognized the insignia, handwriting and government stamp work.
“How did you get this? It’s classified...” It was a stupid question, Rogue realized. Only one person had access to these files and the ability to make copies. “Fury sent it?”
“Fuck if I know... or care...” Her grip crumpled the pages in rage, feeling completely exposed. Sure, it was clear he’d found something out from the moment she opened her door to him, but this... she braced herself for the yelling to continue. “What the hell were you thinking? Taking up with the Avengers and never saying boo diddly fuck all to me?”
“Fury said-“
“Fury says a lot of bullshit.”
“Stark said-“
“Don’t even get me started on that tin can asswipe...” In another time and place, she probably would have giggled at that. “You and me, we’ve always been in this together.” Marie’s hands unclenched, letting the document slide from her grip back onto the table. She massaged the bridge of her nose. She hadn’t thought about all this in weeks.
“We haven’t been in anything together for a long time. Since before Jean died the first time.” There was a pregnant pause. She should have felt badly for bringing it up, but she could only muster a half-hearted apology. Logan glared for a moment, finished his beer, kept staring.
“Go on. I’m not yelling, so you best be explaining.”
Marie wasn’t sure that was a fair trade. She fiddled with her skirt. Fidgeted in her chair. There was silence in the flickering florescent light of her small kitchen, made even more claustrophobic by the way Logan just sat unmoving a couple feet across from her. There was a crazy moment when Marie thought about excusing herself then climbing down the fire escape in her room. She began playing with her hem again. Then she took a deep breath, and began:
“It was Tony Stark who approached me. Carol was there too. Ah didn’t meet Fury until after...” Until after Carol was hooked up to a ventilating machine. Marie pushed past the tears threatening to explode from her eyes in a sobbing mess. “They said they needed me to infiltrate the Brotherhood and gather information on a possible terrorist cell in D.C. They said since Ah had a friend in the group, it’d make it easier for me to get in than any of their other agents. But to make sure Ah’d get in, and get out if somethin’ went south, Ah had to take these injections that’d temporarily give mah skin its power back. What they really wanted was for me to suck the memories out of some high level Brotherhood inductee who masterminded the whole plot...”
“Doesn’t sound like somethin’ you’d volunteer for.”
“Yeah. Not usually. But Ah was a pariah at school. Nobody wanted to admit it, but Ah was like a traitor. It was...lonely. Bobby wouldn’t even look at me for a month.” Oh boy, here come the tears.
“I thought you didn’t care what Bobby thought. I thought you got the cure for you.”
“Ah didn’t have any illusions about us. We were done bein’ a couple. But Ah still loved him and he was still mah best friend.” An image of their study hall thumb wrestling sessions invaded her mind before she shook her head. “Or was. Ah wanted it all. Ah wanted to be an X-man, and not hurt people anymore.” She laughed bitterly, sniffed and patted her cheeks dry. She thought she saw Logan’s hand reach for her, but he had second thoughts and left it halfway between them. “Ah figured Ah’d do my tour and then when the injections wore off it’d show Ah was still on their side. So, Ah contacted St. John-”
“Flame boy? That’s your friend in the Brotherhood?”
“It wasn’t easy. Took a couple rendez-vous and picked fights with Storm and Hank to convince him Ah was really turnin’ coat. And after that... some of the things Ah had to do...” God, the people she had to hurt... Logan knew all too well the price of joining the Avengers under Fury’s reign. That was why he’d been so livid to learn they’d gone behind his back and recruited Rogue. And that the girl had done it on the sly.
“So what happened? With Ace? Gambit?” She could tell he was restraining himself. He knew it wasn’t her fault, but it was still somebody’s fault, and he was itching to put a hole in whoever that somebody was.
“Ah was closin’ in on some intel about the cell when this boob Avalanche decided to take a detour en route back from a meetin’. Wanted to ‘raise a little hell’. That’s a direct quote.” She sniffled, wondered offhandedly how bad her mascara was running. “He didn’t even know the shindig we were bustin’ in on was infested with Avengers. You know the rest.” It had been all over the news: MUTANT TERRORISTS CAUSE HAVOK AT DEFENSE DINNER. Three people died. Ace and thirty others ended up in the hospital. “It was an accident, Logan, Ah swear. Carol was throwin’ punches and pianos and anythin’ she could get her hands on. Ah didn’t mean to hold on so long, Ah just wanted her to stop.” Logan willed his hands to stay unclenched, for his claws to remain sheathed. He hated what had happened to Carol. But Marie was the gun, not the one who pulled the trigger. He had to believe that.
“And Gambit?” He asked gruffly when it seemed she’d say no more. A fresh wave of nausea and self-hate washed over Rogue’s face.
“Remy...” She said his name so reverently, that Logan wished he hadn’t brought it up. “He and Lorna took me in. Ah was half dead Ah think. Carol was half dead. Mah cover was blown. Ah thought Tony was going to kill me.” And at the time she wished he had, wished he’d been wearing his Ironman suit instead of the navy blue Hugo Boss. “But Ah wasn’t takin’ those injections anymore. Ah got stronger again, Lorna made sure of that. And Remy and Ah...”
“An accident.” He knew they’d been having sex when it happened. Just by the look in her wounded doe eyes.
“Don’t say it like that.” Her voice cracked, and for the life of him, he didn’t know why he’d said it so coldly.
“Like what?”
“Like you don’t believe it was an accident!” She screamed, and the tears were flowing again. “Ah really care about Remy. And it tears me up, because he doesn’t even hate me like he should.” Looking at Logan through watery eyes, Rogue felt her chest burn with guilt. “Apparently no one hates me like they should.”
“Why haven’t you gone to see him?” Logan’s mind was fixated on the present tense in which she declared her ‘care’ for Gambit.
“Can’t face him. Saw Lorna at that gala thing. Ah treated her like shit ‘cause it was the only way Ah knew how to act. And all she did was take care of me. Even after all Ah did, even when Ah was stealin’ her beau...” God, she knew rehashing her past behaviour would destroy her, why did she have to be an open book? “How are they?”
“Thought you didn’t wanna know.” But Logan could never withhold anything from Marie when she looked so thoroughly damaged. “They’re not together, if that’s what you mean.” Is that better? He wanted to ask.
“And Carol? Tony?”
“You knew she was awake. She’s finally in physio. No sign of her powers, though. Stark wants her to move in with him, but she told him they’d kill each other within a week, and even without her powers she’d probably win.” He chuckled, but it made Rogue’s heart lurch more to hear about these people she’d spent so much time trying to think of as imaginary. She sagged, her head pounding with an honest to God migraine. She wondered if she threw up on him if he’d leave. “What’s wrong?”
“Ah wish you’d never come here.”
“This again?” She heard the scrape of his chair against the linoleum floor but she was too busy staring at the flickering ceiling light, batting back the flood in her eyes, head pounding. He touched her shoulder. She still wouldn’t look.
“Why’d you have to do this?”
“I had to know Marie.”
“You. You, you, you, you, you.”
“Stop it Marie.” His grip on her shoulder tightened, and Rogue wondered idly if her collarbone would snap. She deserved it. She deserved worse. “Stop it.” Logan shook her this time, like he knew what she was thinking. “Stop all of it. Everyone’s alive. You’re going to be okay.” She didn’t even try to push him away as he gathered her into his arms, pulling her off her seat and then into his lap when he took her place. She didn’t fight him off when she felt the almost too stiff pull of his hand in hair, stroking her in what he probably thought was a comforting manner. She felt the tiniest patch of stubble on her forehead and the exhale of his breath on her scalp, and the warmth bleeding through his shirt into her shoulder. “Here’s the deal. You’re not coming back to the mansion. Yet. I can accept that. But you will call. Doesn’t have to be anyone but me, but you’re gonna call every week or I’ll be back up here like the Flash and you’ll be anchored to the flatbed of my truck all the way back.”
She didn’t answer him, just nuzzled into his neck, which he assumed was a nod. She woke up the next morning tucked safely in bed, and he was already crossing the border.
Life is like an open and shut case. Apparently the final verdict was forgiveness.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
More fighting. Rogue's Avengers incident is finally explained.