“I suppose I owe you some answers.”
Logan was quiet and she couldn’t make out his face as he turned away from the moonlight. His back was to her and it was suddenly a very apparent physical symbol of the wall between them.
“You don’t owe me anything,” his rough voice responded in the night. His voice sounded weary and somehow final.
Crossing her arms she glanced out at the night that covered the gardens of the hotel. Sighing, she turned back to focus on him and spoke again, “Don’t you want to know what the weapon is?”
Cigar smoke billowed around the back of his head as she saw him reach up and pull it out of his mouth. Taping it against the rail he shook his head from side to side once.
“A drug addict and a full fledge thief, not so sure I’d trust the truth anyways.”
“So we’re back to hurting each other again.”
“Didn’t think we stopped.”
She thought about turning and leaving. Thought about saying she had tried at least and that was that. But it wasn’t the background noise of the bar that reminded her that her friends were inside perhaps waiting that caused her to stand still, it suddenly was her own choice and she didn’t need to be pushed into it. This was something she wasn’t going to let go. She wasn’t going to walk away again.
Walking slowly towards him she leant against the rail, her eyes still focused outward. He didn’t say anything but he didn’t move away. Reaching into the pocket of her jeans, she delicately pulled out the object and dangled it in front of her. The moonlight reflected off of the metal of the chain and the single dog tag, catching Logan’s attention.
“I lied,” she whispered.
He snorted.
“I lied when I said it wasn’t about you.”
She knew she had his full attention.
Reaching over he grazed his fingers across the dog tag, acknowledging it was the other half of the one he had given her.
A loud shout behind them followed by laughter caused her to jump slightly and she gazed up at the focused look in Logan’s eyes.
“Do you mind if we go somewhere else?”
He nodded. Putting his cigar out he walked towards the exit in the patio that led into the gardens. Following him, she was unsure where he was going until he abruptly stopped on the path and turned right. There, he remained standing by the pond on the property.
It wasn’t exactly her idea of the best spot but no one else was around and she did want what was to follow to be private.
Standing beside him, his face was again shadowed in the night by the trees around her. He didn’t say anything and she took that as a sign that it was time for her to talk.
“Back at the mansion,” she started her voice cracking.
Swallowing hard, she licked her lips and continued.
“During the month that John was back, but even a little bit before that I was having some problems with my powers.”
“After learning control, at being able to touch I thought the stress of my power had disappeared but instead I started to notice it was fluctuating at times. If I kept it off too long, it appeared to be twice as strong the next time. I knew you didn’t want me to use my power on missions unless as a last resort and I found myself agreeing. It was important I kept covered up on missions in case my control slipped.”
Logan stood stock still beside her, almost like a statue but she could feel his presence and the silence was grateful. For once they weren’t bickering but it wasn’t making everything she said any easier.
“Then with John,” she hesitated but Logan made no sound.
“I was angry with John for joining Magneto and for becoming the bitter man he was but I understood what the Professor was trying to accomplish. Part of me even hoped the Professor was correct in his assessment of John. But John...” she paused. “John, I think did want to change but he didn’t know how to do it exactly. Xavier’s was the one place that had ever truly been his home once but he had always felt like he hadn’t belonged even there. He was to proud to admit he needed us again and even trying to hang out with him again he knew which buttons to push and he wasn’t afraid to do it.”
“One particular day, I can’t remember exactly when, he asked me to hang out with him, just the two of us. I agreed thinking he was responding well to being welcomed back but even with no one else around him to impress he liked finding those buttons with me. He was disappointed in me, he would say. Couldn’t believe I had turned into one of Xavier’s soldiers, he would spit. And then...” she faltered.
“He wanted to know about you and I and I refused to give him any more ammunition but it didn’t seem to matter, he was so bitter and hurt in ways I didn’t understand. I turned to leave that day and he had grabbed me suddenly, my power I guess from my emotions had flared on and I had drained him un-expectedly. And oh god it had been too much, it had been too long.”
She could feel her eyes water but she refused to stop there.
“His essence consumed me and once he saw what it was doing to me, saw that I was trying to find the switch was trying to get away, he just held on stronger, despite the pain. I remember falling against a tree and kicking him off of me, fumbling to find the switch again to turn my skin off. I did but I knew it didn’t seem to matter. Pyro’s personality had been too much. I remember he was gasping for breath, I remember him staggering against a tree, but what I remember most of all was the smug smile on his face.”
“He’d burned himself right through me.”
“I remember running away, ashamed that I’d let him get such control over me and I remember waiting in our room. I remember sorting through Pyro’s personality, trying to push him away and I thought I had succeeded but when you came in, I wanted to tell you what had happened and I couldn’t. Not that I didn’t want to, it felt like I physically couldn’t. I could feel John’s apathy towards you and that it was to be our little secret.”
“I was thrown off by how powerful John was and my reaction. It felt like I was caught up in my own fire of circle, as clichéd as it sounds, but John was always there. Not just in my mind but physically. He’d request time with me from the Professor and I’d want to reject but I just somehow couldn’t.”
“He’d already held conquest in my mind and eventually that conquest turned physical. I was attracted to him and I hated it. I could feel the burning passion his touch had given me when I had drained him and I reacted the same to him. It was like a moth being called to a flame.”
“And Remy?” he asked suddenly, his voice cold and detached.
“I don’t think I can ever explain this all clearly but...” she clenched her hand around the chain and continued as she closed her eyes. “I sought out Remy.”
Logan growled quietly. “Why?”
“It wasn’t to hurt you, despite the fact I know it did. Of course it would,” she whispered. “But I did it to hurt John.”
“He thought he owned me. He thought he was getting one up on you, he didn’t care that I was in a relationship with you. His enjoyment came from knowing he was hurting you. But Remy, Remy sure did surprise him,” she finished strongly.
“I’d finally gotten him back, shown him he didn’t have the control he thought over me, over you and our relationship. He’d already ruined everything. So Remy was something he didn’t see coming. I’m not saying what I did was right or that why I did it makes the betrayal any less.”
The tears finally ran down her face but she ignored them.
“It was like drowning,” she gasped.
“It was like slowly disappearing and suddenly, I know it’s selfish but it wasn’t about you or John or Remy. I needed to be me. I needed to be on my own. As much as it hurt me to leave you, I needed to figure things out. I couldn’t face you.”
“I think I may have even hated you but I hated myself more.”
“Everyone was so preoccupied with Jean returning and with John’s appearance and the new recruits, I know maybe it’s not fair to say but it made me disappearing all the more easier.”
“But I still loved you,” she whispered and her voice cracked as she held a sob back.
“But what did that mean, after everything. I was disgusted that John had found a way to use my own power against me. So I ran. Figured I’d figure it out for myself and I only ended up falling down more. I hated my ‘gift’,” she spat.
“After a while,” she gasped and took a deep breath. “It was easy to pretend I had built a new life for myself. That being at Xavier’s hadn’t really meant anything; it only served as a reminder of my failures. It made it all the more easier to ignore my gift, pretend the subtle changes could be ignored because I wasn’t a superhero. They were of no importance.”
“But it didn’t end there did it?” he spoke through the darkness, his voice less cold but still far away.
She shook her head.
“I already told you how I started to experience your powers at frequent times but that wasn’t all I got from you.”
He turned sharply and let his gaze fall on her.
“I’ve never been able to decipher much from your memories. I always tried to respect your privacy. Usually there would be brief flashes or a sense of déjà vu and of course the nightmares.”
She felt him step closer towards her but she continued.
“Your memories began to be far more prominent then usual as I began to feel the physical changes. I thought it was to punish me.”
She sighed and rubbed her shoe absently in the ground around the pond.
“I was a mess.”
“My power just takes and takes and the only thing I ever truly wanted was what you gave back to me freely and in the end I was just as destructive as my power,” she laughed bitterly suddenly. “Hank’s right, what kind of excuse is that. I should be capable in my power.”
Logan was quiet and after a moment where she could no longer take the silence she spared a glance at him. His face was clear in the moonlight since he’d stepped closer but it was filled with anger.
“I’m sorry,” she gasped, feeling her eyes water again. She turned to leave but his warm hand on her shoulder stopped her immediately.
“Marie...” he whispered. His fingers curled around her shoulder and turned her around.
Tentatively, she grasped his forearm, feeling the corded muscle under his shirt. She could feel the anger vibrating through his body. She refused to look at him.
“You’re so angry,” she gasped.
“Yes,” he responded stiffly. “But not at you.”
She looked up at him through blurry eyes.
“Not entirely.”
She nodded.
“I’m angry that you’ve been dealt this shit in life, Marie. I’m angry that your power is such a struggle for you when it comes so easily to others. I’m pissed as hell at that piece of shit Pyro and if I ever run into him he won’t know what hit him. I’m angry that Xavier hadn’t picked up on it. I’m angry at myself for not noticing the struggle you were going through. I’m angry at myself for believing so easily that you just gave up.”
His hand tightened on her. “Maybe I can’t be angry at you for leaving but I’m sure as hell angry that you’ve spent the last three years running from this, pretending to be someone you’re not. You’re a caring person, Marie.”
Leaning his forehead against hers, he closed his eyes and breathed deeply. “I’m angry at you for pushing me away.”
His other hand moved around her waist.
“I don’t know how to fix this,” she whispered hurriedly.
His thumb brushed against her cheek and she looked up at him in awe, as his gaze was suddenly open to her.
“It ain’t goin’ be easy,” he whispered back.
“Logan, but what I did and...”
“I can’t make that better for you, Marie. The only thing I can do is be here with you. I can tell you how I feel but you’re the one who’s going to have to accept what you have going on in you and what happened. You made it sound all so simple but it wasn’t.”
She bit her lip and glanced away again.
“I know you telling me all this wasn’t to excuse it. You were right you know, that I don’t do betrayal but you were wrong about forgiveness. You taught me long ago to be a better man.”
“Look at me,” he emphasized as his hand slipped around to grab the back of her neck.
She did.
“I need you,” he whispered. “All of you,” he emphasized.
“No more runnin’,” he whispered against her lips. “Not ever.”
“Okay,” she gasped back.
“Understand then?” he asked more firmly.
She nodded. “Yes.”
“No more runnin’,” he spoke again before he captured her lips in a fierce kiss.
The tears from her eyes fell more freely as he kissed her, surprised that she was given such a chance, that he was kissing her with everything he had. Kissing her like the past three years hadn’t happened. Melting into his warm embrace she didn’t fight it as she responded, for once in a very long time she was free.
Breaking apart briefly, she caught the seeping animalistic look in his eyes as he pulled her closer. When he looked at her with such lust she felt lucky to know that even the animal in him loved her, viewed her as his mate.
She was surprised when his fingers touched her hand, untangling the chain from it. Un-wrapping it, he placed it over her head, where the tag settled between her breasts.
Reaching into his own pocket he pulled out the other half. Realization passed over her as he placed it over his own head.
“Logan,” she gasped. “There’s someone you should meet.”
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