Not Yet
“What are we going to do now?” There was a sheer rock wall behind them. Ten highly suspicious settlers regarded them over barrels of shotguns. They had been passing their camp little too close for comfort. Logan pulled her behind his back and held up one hand.
“We were just passing through. We are unarmed.”
“Right. Heard about you from Pete. Unarmed my ass!” One of the settlers shouted. Big burly man in his forties.
“We are trying to get home. This was the safest route. I had no idea there was a camp,” Logan tried to reason with him. He looked like a sensible man.
“We don’t want muties near our camp. Takes weeks to get rid of that stench!” Sensible looking man wasn’t as sensible as he looked to be.
“Get down from my mark,” Logan whispered to Marie over his shoulder. He knew what was coming. He hoped his little ruse would work.
When she heard a soft hiss of his claws and saw him leap forward she dived down, squeezing against small twigs and moss. Shotguns went off nearly simultaneously, and then something heavy collapsed on top of her. Logan, she realized. Approaching footsteps forced her to stay quiet. She stopped breathing when somebody crouched next to them and prodded Logan’s seemingly lifeless corpse. She could feel sticky blood all over her. Then Logan’s body was rolled off from her.
“Both dead. Good. We’ll leave the bodies. Warning for the next who tries to cross our border.” Footsteps were retreating. She waited for several agonizing minutes before she dared to open her eyes. Forest was silent around them. There were no signs of their attackers, so she sat up and crawled to Logan. His clothes were filled with small round holes. He was soaked with blood. But he was healing. One by one wounds were closing, forcing led pellets out.
“Ouch. That hurt,” he groaned and sat up slowly, inspecting the damage. When he noticed her appearance he leaned closer, nostrils flaring, eyes scanning every inch of her.
“I didn’t get hit,” she assured him.
“Good. What about them? Those settlers. Did they get away?” Logan asked, standing up. She wrinkled her brows.
“In case you didn’t notice, they tried to kill us. We were the ones in danger!”
“Their camp wasn’t so big. They will need all manpower they can acquire if they are going to survive over winter. There were kids, too. I wouldn’t feel too good right now if I had killed even one of those men. After all, they had right to protect what was theirs.”
“So it was okay to kill us, or anybody else, because they have kids?” She asked.
“And they took our bags. We have nothing.”
“Not true. We are both still alive. And we can get supplies from the next town we pass. Won’t be safe, but I was starting to get tired of those sleeping bags anyway. Blue isn’t my color after all.” She stared at him for a moment.
“You bastard! You got hurt! It’s not something to joke about! If it was some penance you felt you had to pay, I can understand that, but next time… If you pull a stunt like this again, I’ll kill you myself!” First she had been accentuating her words with pounding her fists to his chest. Now she was crying and clinging to his shirt. And he had no idea what to do.
“Aww, fuck! Just hold me, would you!” She thumped his chest once more. He put his hands around her awkwardly.
All those long years on the road, thinking of her, missing her. Horrible bitterness and jealousy when he found out she had given herself to another man. Gut wrenching sense of loss when he had held Aislin for the first time over Marie’s lifeless body. And now this. He wanted to scream at her. Blame her for everything. And at the same time he wanted nothing more than to keep her close. Last vestiges of darkness started to evaporate. She was doing it. Sound of her heart. Scent of hers. Softness and warmth of her body under his rough hands. He pressed his face against hers, nuzzling her skin gently.
“I’m here, Marie.” She turned her head towards the sound of his voice, and their lips brushed together. It was a brief touch, but it was enough to pull her out from his embrace.
“I can’t do this. Not yet.” He smiled and nodded. Not yet he could take. He had time to wait.
Time To Stand On My Own
He lay in front of brand new tent, gazing stars above him. When they had set up their camp, they had agreed he would sleep outside for now. At least for a while. It had been Marie’s suggestion. He couldn’t blame her if she wanted a little distance, some barrier between them when she slept. His behavior had been quite erratic lately.
Two more days and they would reach his cabin. Most likely it had been either demolished, or somebody had moved in there. He had been nice to the settlers. He had been on their territory. But if somebody had claimed his cabin, he would throw him or her out. They both, he and Marie, needed a place to settle. Lay down their load and just live for a while. He had no doubts that when summer came they would wander around, but cabin would be a good outpost during winters.
His eyes started to drift shut. Fire crackled and he could hear Marie breathing in the tent. He concentrated to that sound, mimicking it with his own. He was nearly asleep when sudden gasp from the tent tore him wide-awake.
“Marie?” He asked quietly. Slight shuffling and sniffing. Zipper of the tent opened and her head poked out. At the last possible second she flinched and retreated back in.
“Are you alright?” He asked. More sniffling, and he could smell her tears. He sat up and parted the zipper.
“Can I come in?” She nodded and scooted on top of her sleeping bag, making enough room for him to crawl in and lay down next to her.
“Nightmare?” Another nod.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She shook her head.
“Come on. Let’s get back to sleep,” he whispered and urged her to lie down next to him. When he tried to put his arm around her she shrugged it off.
“Don’t.”
“Do you want me to leave?” He asked.
“No. Just don’t touch me.”
He woke up when birds started chirping in trees surrounding their campsite. He lay sprawled on the floor of the tent. At some point Marie had apparently decided touching wasn’t a bad thing after all. She lay on top of him, hands hugging his upper torso, legs aligned between his. She was warm and soft. Scent of their campfire clung to her hair. There were other scents, too. Sweat, blood and tears. And underneath it all Marie. Vanilla and peppermint. Mixing slowly with his own scent.
His back started to hurt. Floor was hard and cold. He tried to figure out a way to get up without waking her when she suddenly woke up.
“Hi.” He greeted her when her confused eyes met his.
“Hi. I got cold. I hope you don’t mind,” she explained hastily and wiggled away from him. He swallowed his disappointment, got on his hands and knees and crawled out from the tent.
She watched when he stood up and stretched his back. Even from this distance she could hear small creaking sounds his back made. Metal scraping against metal. Logan grimaced and bent over. She had seen him this way before. One winter he had returned to mansion on Scott’s bike, nearly frozen solid. It had taken days from him to recover from that experience. When metal covering his bones got cold it really hurt him.
“Are you alright?” She asked, laying her hands to his lower back. His skin radiated coldness.
“It was a cold night. I’ll be alright once we get moving.”
“How long to your cabin?” She asked, starting to pack their equipment. It was not much, but they had luckily found all the essentials from a small town couple days ago, soon after settlers had robbed them.
“Two days. Two more days and then we are home.” He straightened his back and started to help her with packing.
“Thanks… For keeping me warm,” she said, little awkwardly. He nodded.
“Nights are getting colder. Maybe it’s not a bad idea to start sleeping together. We can share body heat.” She paled a bit, but didn’t protest.
They kept up a good pace that day. Scenery around them started to look more familiar to Logan. Forest got a little thicker and darker, but on the ground level there was not as much undergrowth than there had been earlier. It was easier to walk.
“There should be a small pond ahead. We could camp there. If we start early tomorrow, we should be at the cabin by evening.”
“It’s still early. Can’t we continue?” She asked, clearly nervous. He shook his head.
“No use. And I would like to look around a bit. I could use some fresh meat for supper. There used to be rabbits around here.”
“Ok,” she whispered, and he could hear she wasn’t pleased.
There indeed was a pond. Crystal clear, nearly perfectly round. Soft grass grew around it. Logan remembered seeing a couple of swans in there years ago. Aislin had loved those birds. Up until she had tried to feed them and they had attacked her. After that she had studied them from distance. He smiled for the memory.
“What?” Marie asked. She had gotten suspicious and agitated. He started to regret his earlier proposal of sleeping together. She wasn’t ready yet, no matter what happened last night.
“Nothing. I just remembered something. Could you set up the tent? I’ll go and see if I can find us something fresh to eat.”
She had gotten quite skilled camper during their journey, and it didn’t take long to pitch up the tent and light a fire. After task was completed there wasn’t anything else to do, except to think. And that was the part she feared. She really didn’t want to go through everything that had happened between her and Logan. She still wasn’t quite sure weather to trust him or not. He was better. In fact, he had been his usual self for the past few weeks. No strange looks thrown to her direction, no quiet sniggering or sudden attacks. And how the hell had she been so stupid earlier? Stupid enough not to notice big flashing neon lights, advertising his insanity.
“I wanted it to be like it was before,” she whispered an answer to her own unannounced question.
At the lab only thing she had truly missed were the easy, lazy days at the mansion. Giggling and making out with Bobby. Helping Ororo at her garden. Fixing bikes and cars with Logan, listening his tales about his journeys. Safety and security. She had craved those things so bad that she had seen them in him, when in reality all he had had to offer was death and destruction.
“Not anymore. It’s time to stand on my own.”
When he returned to their campsite, Marie seemed relaxed, more at ease than earlier.
“No rabbits tonight. I hope soup is okay?” He said and retrieved a small tin can from his backpack. She shrugged her shoulders and took it from him, placing it near to the fire to heat it up. She didn’t comment his failure, and for that he was grateful. There had been several easy preys, but he had been too distracted to actually catch anything. His mind had kept replaying all the situations he had let her down during the year they had spent together, starting from when she found him outside of the lab, ending to a sight of her, shivering and feverish in his arms.
“About what I said earlier… About sharing body heat… We don’t have to do that. Not if you don’t want to. We can get more blankets and clothes. There should be a town close by,” he said, stirring the soup on his plate awkwardly.
“It’s just that… I want to keep you safe and well. I want to know you’re okay. I messed up for good, and I know there’s no reason for you to trust me ever again, but I wish you believe me. All I have ever wanted to do is to keep you safe.”
“I want to believe you. You have no idea how badly I want it to be true, but I can’t. Not yet,” she said.
“Let me show you how I feel.” She stared at his extended hand.
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Turn your skin on. Take what you need. It’s killing me to see you flinch every time I get near you.”
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