Chapter 4
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Fortitudine Vincimus (By endurance we conquer)
Fuck it, I’m alone again. Bastards learnt real quick that the easiest way to get her out was when I’m unconscious. Each time I wake I damn myself to hell, I let them take her again. This traitorous body of mine despite all the fuckin’ drugs still heals but it’s never in time. All I can do now is wait. And I aint very good at that on the best of days. This is one of their fuckin’ sick and twisted games, they let us be together only to rip us apart. I hate to admit it but their fuckin’ game works well.
There’s no fucking purpose to us being here, I’ve been trying to work out the answers to why we’re imprisoned, trying to work out their final goal, but there aint one, its purely for entertainment and enjoyment on their part, they just want to revel in the pain, our pain.
This cell is small, cold and damp and it now comes with added extras, like an overpowering smell of blood and suffering. Even when the drugs are fresh in my system its still there. The floor is covered in blood, some dry some not, hers and mine. Even in the varying degrees of darkness my sight never gives me reprieve, I can still see it, and each day without fail I know more gets added to it, like a river that runs into the sea it has a never ending supply. The rags we have to wear aren’t fairing much better, they’re stained and torn, a testament to the pain endured. A clear reminder of what was and an even clearer reminder that while we’re here, more of the same is coming.
I always do my best to avoid the dart, never works though, there’s nowhere to go and my reactions are always still dulled from the last one. There’s never quite enough time in-between hits. They maybe sick bastards but they’re clever sick bastards, they know just how much and how often, planned with precision so I’m not a threat. They’ve neutered the beast and rendered it powerless. I’m never quick enough, I’ve failed yet again. I roar in frustration as I grab the needle and tear it from my flesh, I know the drugs work too fast but I always try, I try to kill the fuckers as they throw her back in. My mind is willing but my body betrays me. I can feel the inevitable beginning, I feel weaker and weaker and my legs give out, unable to support my weight. I watch the door slide open as I fall to my knees and I can do nothing as her frail body is thrown to the floor. I listen to her cry as her soft limp flesh impacts with the unforgiving hardness of concrete and I am torn for a second between my love for her and my rage for them. They know as well as I do that she will always come first. One day though, one day the tables will turn and I’ll be the one laughing.
I crawl across the floor and although I try not to hurt her more I pull her to me. I have to know and I begin to check all her wounds. The beast and the man are one at this moment raging at the sight, the beast in me screaming, the man in me crying.
She always tells me she’s fine. It’s said as if on auto pilot, she tries to lie to make me feel better, it never does but I’m beginning to understand why. I do the same to her. We try to protect each other even though we fail miserably.
“I’m Fine”
“Like hell” My anger overpowers me but it’s not aimed at her, she know I think that it’s cause I hate this fuckin’ whole thing, that we’re here, that I’m here, and more than anything that she’s here .“I’m sorry, it’s just……….so hard to see……….”
“I know……….” And I think she does. I can see it in her when I come back, how much it hurts her to see me in pain.
“Just hold me.” So I do, just like she does with me.
It’s always there, its feint but its there, I can smell at least 3 of them this time. “They’ll pay darlin’ I promise they’ll pay, each and every fuckin’ one of ‘em.” She clings to me tightly as I say the words, her eyes begin to fade, the battle she’s had at trying to keep them open finally being lost, she looks like she has so little fight left.
God she was never supposed to get hurt, she wasn’t fully trained, not expected to take the risks. She was supposed to be safe surrounded by those who could protect her, surrounded by me.
Total fucked up failure, that’s me.
Since the day I met her, I’ve been different. She’s kept me alive, given me a purpose. She knew, she had to, it had to be the reason why she had impeccable timing, she always made me feel something, when all I felt was dead inside. Her smile, her laughter, her touch, all given when I most needed them. My lifestyle I realize now was an escape. An escape from the truth I’ve never admitted to. I was lost, lonely and scared, big bad meanest mother fucker on the planet and I was scared, scared to live. She gave me a reason, gave me hope.
I can live without anything; I’ve proven it to myself on a daily basis. I had a life, not that I remember it, but I must have had one, it was ripped away from me, stolen without my permission and I was left alone. Dead. A shell. Empty. It’s all fucked up now though ‘cause I can’t go back to that. Don’t want to go back to that.
I don’t believe in god or some higher power though I think it would be easier if I did, maybe I’d be able to believe that there was a reason however flawed for all that happens. Maybe I could believe that there would be an end to the pain that I had a future to look forward to, a life I could actually live. Trouble is I’ve see too fuckin’ much in this world, been through so fuckin’ much.
This would be the last straw – I couldn’t live with the loss, not hers.
I rock her gently, holding her as tight and as close as I dare. I never want to let go, never want to stop and I can’t even now when she’s asleep.
I hold her, love her and pray to a god I don’t believe in and I damn myself for my inability to save her.
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