Yeah I know its been years since Rogue and I were dating, and I wasn’t even her first - that was reserved for him, but that don’t stop the feelings. I’ve loved her from the moment I met her, from the moment that I saw the hopeful look in her eyes and I’ll go on loving her until I die.
That said I’m not a fool or a masochist I know Rogue has loved Logan from the moment they met. Knew it even back when we together, knew that I would never get the chance to love her body and soul and while it hurt I understood it. Just as I understand that Rogue’s suffering now.
Its been nearly a month since Logan died. He died to save her and a part of me has learned to accept that while a part of me doesn’t understand why. I mean sure they were friends, they were protectors of each other but still - to die for someone? As much as I love her I can’t say that I would ever die for her and maybe that’s the problem.
I’ve watched out for her every day since the funeral, hoped that she’d come out of that shell she’s in. Its been a pointless exercise in futility. Rogue is well and truly encased in that Logan loving shell she so desires and I’m again waiting and watching.
It’s a never ending chain, one that started at Alkali Lake. I know I sound resentful but let me explain, let me tell you why Logan’s death isn’t hurting as much for me as it is for everyone else.
I saw Dr Grey and Logan talking, saw them by the Blackbird and while I couldn’t hear them it didn’t matter. They were standing waaay too close together, and I in my naivete again thought that Logan was after Dr Grey. Its stupid now but the first thought that went through my head was that Scott’s gonna be pissed that Jean screwed Logan. Then Logan walked away and went to his tent and I crawled back in next to Rogue and we drifted off to sleep.
I have no idea how long I was asleep when I was roused from my sleep by movement. Cracking my eyes open in case it was the enemy, I froze when I realized who it was, she was crawling out the opening to where Logan was standing.
I can still remember that conversation, still remember the way my world shattered into a thousand pieces that night with the softly worded conversation that showed a side of the girl I loved but didn’t know, and the man who had protected us or rather her.
“You okay kid?” Logan whispered trailing one finger down the pale streaks around her face.
“Yeah, scared though,” Rogue whispered softly. “I’m sorry ‘bout them wanting to leave without you. You shouldn’t have to fight everyone by yourself, especially to save our asses.”
“I didn’t do it for them. I’m gonna look after you. I promise.”
Soft loving laughter echoed into the tent behind them as Rogue watched him, “You already did that Logan.”
“Its sort of a never ending promise there darlin’.”
“I don’t know if I can do this Logan,” Rogue whispered softly, her head tilted down. The air was still and cold causing her to shiver but she held steady to her thoughts. Glancing up at him she shifted, shrugged before sighing softly. Her tone even, filled with something that has hard to name.
“This being?”
“Being with Bobby, being a kid. My body is seventeen years old Logan but my mind, my soul is so much older..” she whispered softly, her voice cracking slightly.
“Yeah well I guess I kinda fucked up with that didn’t I?”
“NO!” Rogue was insistent, determined to show him what she knew. “I’ve always been old Logan, always been on the outside lookin’ in. With you I don’t have to pretend, don’t have to be anything or anyone other than me. You’ve seen me at my worst, seen what happens when I get selfish..”
“That wasn’t selfish kid, that was self preservation and I’m damn glad you did. I’m kinda partial to having you around me.”
“That’s just it Logan.. I need more than you’re willing to give me,” the whisper was soft and sad.
“And what do you need that I won’t give you?” Logan whispered moving a little closer to Rogue even as he tilted his head and listened to the night. On guard, aware of everyone and everything, part of him would keep them safe but another part of him, the part that she owned was focused solely on the woman before him.
“I need you to love me,” Rogue whispered softly looking at Logan with tears in her eyes, “Need you to love me body and soul..”
“I already do kid,” Logan smiled softly at her, trailing a gloved hand down her face. “I have since that day I let you climb in with me.”
“I know, I do. But you won’t let yourself give that to me. Instead you chase after Red, and you go bar hopping and..”
“I am not chasing after Red,” Logan interrupted suddenly, passionately. “Annoying her and Scooter is a sport I can’t just stop doin’, don’t mean nothing other than to give me a few laughs. And as for my bar hopping, it’s the only way I got of making enough money to survive.”
“No no it isn’t. Talk to the Professor, maybe he can give you a job Logan. I mean you’re smart, smarter than everyone there. Then you’d have money to survive on, money for that beer you love so much, for those cigars and you wouldn’t be out getting the piss beat out of you! You wouldn’t be out screwing someone who doesn’t give a shit about you!”
“You really think he’s gonna give a man with no past, no memories a job? What am I gonna do Marie, teach avoidance? Or maybe scrub toilets for the brats?” there was pure skepticism and borderline rage in his voice. The easy way he avoided the last statement clearer than crystal as I lay there listening.
“You could teach PE or advanced Calculous, or military strategy and you know it Logan! I don’t want to lose you, I’ve already lost enough.”
“If I did that Marie, if I stayed things would be different. There wouldn’t be any room in your life for the Ice Pick, there wouldn’t be any room for anything but us!”
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted Logan. The chance to have an us, to have what I know we could have.”
“To even think about it is enough to get me castrated you know,” Logan chuckled suddenly, “Jeannie figures I belong to her.”
“Fuck her,” Rogue replied sharply only to be shushed by Logan. “You’re mine, and I’m yours Logan. You know that. You know what would have happened that night...”
“Same thing that’s gonna happen tonight if you keep it up,” Logan replied softly.
“I’m more than ready for that Logan,” Rogue whispered softly, “But there are too many risk right now. If we get attacked how we gonna explain why we’ve both got our pants down around our ankles?”
“Simple. None of their fuckin’ business. But I see your point. Get some sleep Marie, we aren’t out of this just yet,” Logan shifted tracing a finger across the edge of her top by her neck.
“And when we are out of this?”
The soft chuckle that echoed on the breeze was filled with banked desire, and a promise. “Better clear your calendar darlin’, and invest in soundproofing your room. And get plenty of rest now, cause there ain’t no way you’re gonna be getting very much when this is over.”
The rustle of the tent as she came back inside hid my movement as I closed my eyes tightly, unwilling to let them know I’d heard every word. I felt her lie back down next to me and pull her sleeping bag back up over her shoulders, and I heard the soft tread of metal laced footsteps as it faded into the night.
Long after she’d sighed and slid into sleep I lay awake fighting the tears I could feel burning at my eyes.
After we got back from that mission, after I recognized the look in Logan’s eyes as we touched down at the mansion when he looked at Rogue I knew that it would be over. Only it wasn’t, Rogue didn’t come to me and say we’re through, nope. Not a word from her. I’m still not sure how long it was before I came to the conclusion that she liked hanging out with me in a group setting, but that was it.
I can still remember waking one night a few weeks after we got back from Alkali Lake and getting up to get a drink or something from the kitchen. I had made my way down the stairs only to pause when I saw the faint glimmer of light coming from the t.v. room, a light that was filtering out from under the door.
Do not ask me what possessed me to move toward that light, toward the final straw but I couldn’t stop myself. So I crept through the shadows and peeked through the crack in the door. Sitting on the couch was Logan smiling softly at the young woman sitting with him. The very naked woman that leaned toward him even as he lifted a hand to caress the curve of one breast and I felt something shift within me. At that moment I hated both of them with enough emotion to freeze their asses in place.
It wasn’t until the room began to frost over and Logan had shifted looking at the doorway that I realized that I’d started to do that. I ran. Call me a coward, call me anything you want but if you’d seen what Logan did to those men you’d have run to.
That was the end. The end of Rogue and I, I cornered her in the kitchen the next day and demanded an explanation. Told her I was sick of this little secret of hers and watched her smile and pat me on the back of the hand as she looked at me.
“I need Logan in a way I will never need you Bobby. I’m sorry but you and I were never going to be more than friends,” she walked away from me with those words, right into Logan’s arms and sent me a small smile as he led her away.
Oh yes, I can say that Logan’s death while it’s a tragic loss is not my main concern. Oh no, forgetting the past, forgetting the pain of knowing that I was never in the running is of more importance to me. That and being there for Rogue, because regardless of the way things ended between us I still love her.
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