Rogue said I was like, ‘unnecessarily nosy’ when it came to her love life. Whatever, dude, she says ‘nosy’ I say ‘interested’. And unnecessary? Puh-leeze. Girl wouldn’t even go out at all if it weren’t for the Jubester.
I was always doing her favors by setting her up with guys in order to (hopefully) annoy the crap out of Logan. Or, as I liked to call him, Big ‘n Hairy. Of course, Logan didn’t really wear that nickname as well as he would’ve once.
Oh, sure, he was still big in the sense that he was tall and muscular and could crush me without a breaking a sweat.
But he used to have a kind of an aura of, well, bigness. Like, you see him, you look at him, (I mean, who wouldn’t? He’s Rogue’s and all, but still: yeah, baby!) and he looks back at you like: yeah, dude, acknowledge my super hotness. But then Jean bit the big one, and ka-boom, it’s a massive attack of puppy dog eyes. And, dude, puppies? Not big. Tiny. Cute, but tiny.
As for hairy? Clean-shaven, chica! That’s right, Mr. Razors-are-for-losers went all n’sync! Okay, that’s taking it a bit far. Logan could never be n’sync. The sideburns weren’t the essence of his badass thing, and no, neither was the I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-fell-in-a-jar-of-gel-by-accident hair style. It was the eyebrow. The sexy, cool, hot and kinky eyebrow raise. Yup. And he still did that, like, all the time. Somebody, totally not me, goes: “Yo, dude, what’s with the sad pouty puppy look?” and the tasty eyebrow is uppity again, like: “Puppy dog? Do puppies have eyebrows like THIS?”
But, still, Big ‘n Hairy was not working for me anymore, so I invented a new, more fitting nickname. Wolf boy. Dude, not in front in him! Nobody likes pissing people off that deserve it like I do, but I’m not like, suicidal or whatever. Jeez. Anyway, so I realized that Wolf boy was making poor Rogue sad. She was all, like, ‘Tahk to meh, sugah,” and he’s all, you know, “No.” He wasn’t like trying to be an asshole, but he so totally was. So I decided to give him an old-fashioned, girl-to-very-large-scary-man reality check.
It went like this, as follows:
“Dude.”
“Get outta my way, kid.”
“No, dude, we gotta talk.”
“Don’t have time.”
“Make time. It’s about Rogue.”
“Rogue? What’s wrong with her?”
“Her heart’s all achy-breaky, dude.”
“Is it that little fucker-“
“Dude, his name is Bobby. B-o-b-b-y. And they broke up. ‘Cause he’s GAY. And you like, hurt his feelings by calling him names. And, like, stop calling Kitty ‘that damn cat’, ‘cause I swear she’s got a total complex already and…”
“Kid? Do I look like I give a shit about your little friends? Just tell me what Popsicle did and I’ll know how many parts of him are gettin’ hacked off, all right?”
“Dude, it’s your fault, not Bobby’s. Emphasis on ‘Bobby’, not Popsicle, ice pick, little fucker, schmuck, ice boy, son of a bitch-”
“Jesus, I don’t care! Just tell me why Rogue’s upset with me.”
“She’s not.”
“Then what did you just fucking-“
“She’s sad.”
“Because of me?”
“And your puppy impersonation.”
“Are you starting that puppy shit again?”
“Look, dude, whatever you wanna call it. You’re mopey and she wants to be, like, supportive or whatever and you’re all weird.”
“Weird? When was I weird to her?”
“Like, when you guys were sitting on the bench in the garden-“
“How the- that was private, dammit. How come I didn’t smell you?”
“Hello? This is the 21st century! Binoculars and radar! Yeah, dude, snoopiness is an art and I am the artiste!”
“Kid. Just. Tell me. What. I did. To make her. Sad.”
“You get all sad and stuff about Jean being like, you know…dead. And it is sad! Really, totally, oh-my-god kinda sad! Sort of. I mean, you know, I didn’t know her all that well and her being my math teacher didn’t like, make me forget about her I’m-Jean-worship-me routine but I totally cried at the funeral, I even wore black. Well, I was wearing yellow earrings, but dude! Signature color!”
“I just completely tuned you out and it gave me some time to think about what happened in the garden. She asked me to talk to her about what was bothering me.
“Dude, like, you didn’t swear at all! Two sentences in a row!”
“I gotta go talk to her. Look, uh…thanks. Thanks, kid.”
“So totally my pleasure. Rogue’s my best friend, dude.”
“Mine too.”
Isn’t that like, so, so, so deep and meaningful?! But it wasn’t like he got down on one knee and proposed to her so I was like forced to go eavesdrop. For her sake, I mean. Still not nosy. My equipment wasn’t set up in the library though, so I broke into the security room and used a camera. Okay, fine, I’m not like completely un-nosy. But I’m not nosy. I could tell they were going to skip the whole something’s-wrong-no-there’s-not routine they usually go through before serious convo. Here’s how it went, as follows:
Logan on hallway screen, walking briskly. It’s the let’s-do-this walk. Goes in library. Appealingly 1940’s actor-like in black-and-white. “Marie? You in there?” he says.
Marie on library screen, sitting comfortably in huge comfy lazy boy. Is wearing tight blue jeans, v-necked white t-shirt, black leather gloves, black flimsy scarf, hair loose. It’s okay, but hello? No yellow? Looks all perky when she hears Logan, then blushes for being perky about his voice. Girl, he’d float any hot-blooded, non-lesbian woman’s boat. She hesitates. Then she says: “I’m here.”
Logan approaches, then appears on Rogue’s screen from behind tall bookcase. Looks uncomfortable, but determined. Also very yummy, in gruff-older-man way. “I need to talk to you.”
Rogue blushes more. He doesn’t know why, but I do. She told me once about a dream she had where he starts out saying: “I need to talk to you,” and then he makes love declaration and they have wild, crazy- “What about?” Dude! His weirdness! Like, what else?
“You being upset ‘cause I wouldn’t talk to you about what was upsetting me.” Logan leans with one hand against wall, threads fingers through hair. Wonder if they’ll bring up the lack of pointiness and the clean-shaven face?
“No.” What?! Rogue has lost her mind and is speaking gibberish. I’m torn. Should I go to the library and say what she really means, thereby revealing own nosiness (okay, I admit it!) or just let this run its course? She could be kidding, I guess. Not very funny, chica.
“No?” Logan, all confused. Moves away from wall, and stands in front of lazy boy in a way that must be so, like, intimidating. I’d be intimidated. She doesn’t look it, though. She’s just smiling, like: dude, payback time. Ooh, that’s it! She’s just…what? Angry? Frustrated? Psycho? Is my reality check going to waste here, people?! Communication!
“You’re mourning Jean. I understand. I don’t want you to talk to me just because Jubilee held a gun to your head.” Hey, I didn’t- Dude…good idea. Why didn’t I think of that? I mean, not serious real-bullets-gun kinda gun, but like a squirt gun. A really realistic squirt gun. The whole reality check would’ve been like, ten times shorter! Like, talk to Rogue about the puppy eyes or I blow your metal-enhanced brains out. Totally!
“I’m not.” Oh, pay attention, Wolf boy is in talking mode again. “It was like goin’ through hell thinking about her right after, but I dealt. I’ll miss her, but I’m over it.” He’s got his muscular arms crossed, and he’s looking her straight in the eye. Rogue looks all skeptical. He’s sighing.
“Logan, you can’t even say her name.” Oh. My. God. Can these people stop focusing on Jeannie Who Chose Just The Most Inconvenient Time To Die In The History Of The Whole Logan/Rogue Dynamic, and talk about how you love each other and you think you wanna get down and dirty! But, uh, in the privacy of your own room. ‘Cause, like, ew. Nosy, not pervy.
“Yes. I can. Jean. Her name was Jean and she’s dead and it’s fucking sad, all right? Jesus, would you…don’t you want to know why I have been shitty about talking?” says Logan. Yes! Go Wolf boy! Let’s steer the conversation towards love. Sweaty, sticky, monkey-crazy love! I love you Rogue! SAY IT! Oh, wait. He looks shifty all of a sudden. He’s looking around like he’s looking for something. “Uh, you don’t see any, uh, radar around here or anythin’, do you?”
“You think Jubilee is sticking her nose in? No, she wouldn’t, trust me.” See? That’s a true pal. A real friend. A sister-like, through-the-bad-times kind of buddy that- “She doesn’t set up her equipment in the library. I think she has a book phobia or something? She said she was afraid she’d catch something from reading.” Gee, whiz, what a friend. Thanks a bunch, chica. You back-stabber.
“What? Intelligence?” Hey! This is just plain mean! I’m like, their relationship mentor and what do I get in return? Nothing but grief, dude. It’s like, so unfair. Maybe I’ll just go in there and tell Logan Rogue told me she wanted to kiss him but she hates the taste of cigars. Ha! Ahahahaha!
“Hey, come on, that’s not fair. Jubilee always means well.” Oh, okay. I’ll forgive her. Possibly. After many, many hours of torturous silent-treatment. I mean, you know, there’s like this teensy weensy chance she may be, somewhat, forgiven already. Kind of. Logan, on the other hand…Wolf boy’s in my doghouse now. Oh my God! A wolf in a doghouse?! How funny is that?!
“Why?” Rogue is looking away, all hurt and annoyed. Chica, here comes the love declaration! Be happy! The Jubester got you your very own pet Wolverine! Oooh…just had strange, somewhat disturbing image of Rogue leading Logan on a leash…so wrong, dude. So wrong. I need to get my mind way, way, way up outta the gutter.
“I…” Don’t tell me he’s chickening out! Oh, you great big puppy dog chicken loser! Being hot is no excuse, dammit! If they don’t get together now, I’m gonna have to take some majorly drastic measure, dude. Like, drag them onto the Jenny Jones show or something. “I’ve fallen in love with someone. And I didn’t…I didn’t want to tell you, because it-“
“Don’t say it.” Rogue looks totally broken. She’s shocked. I feel so, like, guilt-ridden, dude. I set this library meeting up! “I know what you’re saying. So please stop explaining. Don’t tell me. It hurts.” Hey, that’s funny, she somehow reminds me of Gwen Stefani right now. How weird. And the cigar-smoking wishy-washy piece of human crap is telling her he loves somebody else! Oh my God! He is, like, so dead. I’ve got a gift that would blast your ass and a shovel, baby, I bet no one would miss you.
“It…? Oh. I understand.” Dude, he actually looks hurt! Like the guy actually has the right to- hey, wait. Unless…unless maybe he does love her. Maybe she’s ‘someone’! And he thinks she gets it and his love declaration, like, offended her. God, they are so thick-skulled, man. Where would they be without me?!
“I’m going to burst into tears, okay? So, just-just go and let me keep a little…sniffle…dignity. Just go!”
Holy shit! I gotta get down there! I’ll be back in like two seconds, okay? Sit tight, I’ll give you an update ASAP, promise! Ciao!
AN HOUR LATER.
Hey, sup, dude? Don’t worry, it’s all good. Rogue and Logan are like THIS! Yeah, the crossing of my first and middle finger means good. In fact, it means very good. Like, duh. They’re probably making sweet, sweet love in the stables as we speak. Oh, you probably don’t get it, do you? Want the 411 on what happened after the library debacle? Relax and listen, I am in like, no hurry to study for my French test tomorrow. Je ne parle pas Francais, know what I mean?
So anyways, I went storming into the library, hoping they hadn’t completely destroyed their chances of communication (they totally screwed up all my good plans for them) but they’re gone. I was about to bust back into the camera room and figure out where they were when I saw a note with the heading: Hey Jujubean! And dude, that’s me. So I read it. Here’s what it says:
Hey Jujubean!
Sugar, I love you and you’re my best friend in the whole, entire cosmos And the reason Logan and I are together is so completely and totally ‘cause of your ab-fab work, chica. Continue to delve into my life and help me in my relationship with Logan! I’m talking sex shopping trip, chica!
Let’s hit the mall and buy latex and condoms, dude! Go, you!
Lots o’ love,
Rogue, your ever-so-grateful pal
p.s. you’re the least nosiest person I know!
Okay, so maybe that wasn’t EXACTLY what it said, but dude, I can read between the lines, right? You wanna see the real, actual note? That’s like, so private. What’s with the puppy eyes?! Hey! Hey, come on, I can’t stand that look! God, you’re nosy. Fine, okay, fine. Here’s the note. Jerk.
Hey Jujubean!
Sorry, sugar, but that little fight in the library was for your benefit. Logan was upset with you for interfering, so we got a little even. He spoke to me beforehand and cleared it all up. He wasn’t sad about Jean, he was sad ‘cause he thought I didn’t love him! Can you imagine?
I hope you’re not mad. One thing is for sure though, Logan and I are happily together and you did help. Thanks for that. You can be a pain in the ass, hon, but you are my best friend. But don’t get any ideas, okay? Butting into my relationships and stuff is a no-go. Gotta go, we’re going riding.
Love you, you crazy wannabe matchmaker!
Rogue
Well, gee, I guess if you get all LITERAL and REASONABLE, two things I just hate, then, yeah, maybe it did sorta seem she doesn’t want me to butt in anymore. But, you see, she admitted I helped! Which means she needs my help! And, dude, what’s any relationship without a good old-fashioned chaperone? Even one that hides in the bushes with binoculars? Anyways, gotta buzz, I’m like, so doomed if I don’t study for that bug-up-my-butt Mr. Summers. Hey, I wonder if he what he needs to loosen up is a nice date? Hmm…who’s available…? Anyways, bye!
The End