I'm happy. Some people might not agree with me, but only because they experience complete happiness, the kind I did and took completely for granted before my mutation came along. When I was sitting in that bar in the middle of nowhere, staring at a glass of water I was downright unhappy. But then Logan came, and he gave me a little hope. Without realizing it, he reminded me that there still were some good people left in the world.
So I took those shreds of hope and I did my best at school, where he left me to be cared for. I smiled when I felt like crying, I laughed when I was dying inside, and I nodded understandingly when my friends moaned about their boyfriends, all the while despising them for entertaining such shallow feelings. Strangely enough, the more I pretended to be happy, the more genuinely happy I felt. My smiles became sincere at times, my laugh was more similar to how it was before, and instead of nodding understandingly I started to moan about my own boyfriends.
Or rather, boyfriend. Bobby. He was cute, sweet, and utterly committed to making me laugh. But he didn't love me. Like most couples in high school, we were together because it was comfortable and better than being alone. It would be a while before I realized who it was Bobby really wanted to touch, who he was really in love with, but felt he couldn't have. But that's another story.
If it hadn't been for Logan, I might've persuaded myself to love Bobby. Or even pretend that what we had was love, not just friendship or convenience. But I had felt real love, bone-deep and almost obsessive, poured into my mind through my skin. It haunted me, knowing how truly trivial my relationship with Bobby really was. But I pretended, let him kiss me through ice, touch me over my clothing. It was all there was in store for me, and I made peace with that. Made peace with the fact that real happiness couldn't be achieved anymore.
But then there was Logan.
It was just after midnight, and I was out on the porch, smoking a cigarette. Officially I had given up, but I was willing to bend the rules from time to time. And this time I really needed a smoke. You see, Jubilee and I had gone to the mall that day and had been attacked by a few FOH wannabe's. We had been trained in self-defense, and got away but some of the things they said were still in the back of my mind. I couldn't just forget and move on. Cigarettes would relax me.
"Why you cryin', baby?" a familiar voice rumbled. I turned slightly, drinking in the sight of him. He was leaning against the door leading into the living room, gazing at me with those piercing hazel eyes. Just looking at this man was enough to make me smile, in spite everything. He smiled back at me, and I found myself memorizing that expression, saving it away in my mind, to conjure back up later. "Nice smile, darlin', but it ain't gonna cut it. What's wrong?"
I sighed. "I'm just obsessing about the attack today." I would've lied to anyone else, made some excuse to leave. But it was very difficult to lie when faced with those eyes. They seemed to see right through me, through my layered clothing and into my soul. Blushing at the thought, I looked away from him. He approached me, and my heart was hammering in my chest. Stupid, I know, but I just couldn't stop loving him. I had made peace with that too.
"Yeah, I heard about that. I'm sorry." I nodded in acknowledgement, fighting hard to keep my expression neutral, but I couldn't seem to control the muscles in my face. The closer we were, the more difficult it was to do anything right. I cursed myself when I felt new tears gathering in my eyes, not because of the attack, but because of the hopelessness of my feelings for him. "Hey…" Gloved fingers brushed my chin, then forcing me to turn my head and look into his eyes. They were green that day. "You're safe now, I'm here." Here? I thought sadly. No, you're never here. You might be here in body, but only because of Jean's memory. You might be speaking to me, but only because of a promise to protect me. You may think I'm innocent, but you don't know just how shameful my thoughts are.
"I know," I said and tried to smile. It was futile, all I managed was a twitch of my lips. He frowned. "Is that all you're crying about? Is there something else?" I giggled, and it sounded strange to my ears. There were so many things to cry about, it seemed. Why did my defenses always fall around him? My true feelings always managed to float to the surface. "Um, no. No, everything else is fine." He didn't smile, or nod, or leave me alone like someone else would. He knew I was lying. "Is it that kid?" I shook my head. "No, Bobby and I are doing fine." I steadily avoided his gaze after saying that, knowing he'd be able to read the truth in my face.
"He was with that guy Remy the other day," Logan said conversationally. I raised my eyebrows. "Oh really? I didn't know you took such an interest in him." He only gave me a mock-scowl as he went on. "They went to see a movie, I think." The meaning of his words slapped me in the face. Shocked, I couldn't even speak. "I'm sorry, darlin'." Well, he didn't sound like it. "You don't sound like it," I answered, smiling up at him. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I should be upset. Oh, well. I could be upset later. "That's 'cause I've been waiting for a chance to kiss you, darlin'." No words came to my mind. "Uh…" I said unintelligently. He leaned in closer to me. Our faces were almost touching. To this day, I don't know where I got the courage to say what I said.
"Why?" He could've said a thousand things, there were a thousand plausible excuses. But Logan didn't lie to me, not ever. "I want you." Not the answer I wanted to hear, but close enough. So he kissed me. And I let him. Not through ice or a scarf. Just his soft lips on mine, his tongue tangling with my tongue, his stubble scratchy against my cheek. It was the best thing I'd ever felt, and it was so close to total happiness I couldn't breathe. But then my wretched mutation took effect, and he was on the floor of the porch. I screamed without meaning too, falling down onto my knees and holding him tightly.
"Don't die, Logan, please…please, I love you so much, sugar…"
He stopped twitching, as if those very words had some magical power over him. His eyes fluttered open. I found myself staring into his eyes, breathing fast. I wanted to kiss him again, but resisted. "Logan…?" I mumbled, clumsily kissing his gloved hands instead. "You-" he choked out, still breathing irregularly. "Shh, I'm here. You're safe now…" Which in retrospect, made no sense, considering I was the one to put him in danger in the first place.
I half-supported, half-dragged him to his room. I was only half-listening to his mumblings because I was so preoccupied with the weight of him. But when we reached his door, I heard it. "Loves me…she loves me…" I stared at him, at the blatantly joyful look on his face. "Yeah." My voice shook. To distract myself from my struggling emotions I put him in his bed. I stayed with him till morning.
When I woke, I found I had fallen asleep on end of the bed. He was awake. Logan was lying on his stomach, propped up on his elbows, staring at me. "Morning, darlin'." His voice was the same, he looked the same. For a moment, I wondered if the night before had happened at all. Maybe I had warded Logan off with some excuse, maybe he hadn't told me about Bobby's (God!) new boyfriend, maybe he hadn't kissed me so hard and maybe I had only imagined how he tasted. Yes, I thought, it's possible I just grabbed a bottle of scotch and got myself so drunk he had to carry me to bed. His bed? Hmm.
"Good morning."
"Sleep okay?"
"Uh. Yeah. Fine. Um, you?"
"Like a rock."
"Oh. Good."
There was a pause. He broke it, and for all the emotion on his face, you would've thought he'd said something about the weather. "You love me." No, I take that back. There was a light in his eyes, a smugness in his expression. I felt a heat rising in my face. The thought that he viewed it as some kind of cute crush or something horrified me. "I do love you!" I spat, as if challenging him to deny it. He raised his eyebrows, ironical. "Yeah, baby, I thought I just said that." Another pause.
"Well?"
"Well, what?"
"Do you love me?!"
"Yeah."
A feeling like nothing I had ever felt before came over me. I crawled across the bed, my eyes never leaving his. Heady desire came over me. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him and kiss him and kiss him… "Say it." He wrapped those strong arms around me, pulling me close. He put his lips to my ear, covered by my hair, and just that contact made me shiver. "I love you."
And what happened after that? Well, that's none of your damn business. But needless to say, I'm happy. Heart-racing-I-love-life kinda happy. I can make peace with that.
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