So scream you, out from behind the bitter ache
Heavy on the memory, you need most
still want love, ugly, smooth and delicate
not without affection, not alone
You're still in my head like you were right after you touched me. If I close my eyes I can almost imagine that you are standing next to me. When I think things I know what your answer would be if you were here to talk to me, but you aren't. You left and I should be angry at you, but I'm not. I think if you weren't still in my head I would be, but I know you. I know what makes you do what you do and I can't be angry at you for that. You had to leave. You had to know. You didn't leave me.
And instead of wishing that it would get better
man you're seeing that you just get angrier
I think everyone around here thinks that it is better for me that you have gone. You're too angry, too hot headed. You're a bad influence. They don't get that you're in my head. You'll always be in my head. Maybe it is because we touched twice. Maybe it is because you survived. I don't know, but I do know that you will always be in my head. And I like you there. People would probably think I am crazy, but I like having you with me all the time. Having you in my head is wonderfully comforting. It's as close to being touched as I will ever be.
And it's good that I'm not angry
I just need to get over,
I'm not angry, anymore
I don't think you would be as angry as you are if you were still here. I think you would actually laugh to see me now. With you still in my head I have a tendency to react to things a bit more aggressively then I used to. I don't go out and pick fights or anything, but I don't back down either. Jean has said I'm 15 going on 40 and she is probably right. I crave cigars, too. I even asked Scott for one last week. He looked at me as if I had grown another head. Then I called him Scooter and he took me to see Professor Xavier.
Cry when you cry, run when you run
love when you love
represent the ashes
that you leave behind
I think the Professor knows that I still have you in my head, but he hasn't mentioned it to me. I bet he's told Scott, Jean and Ororo. I see their strange looks. I notice the way they overlook some of my behavior that obviously comes from you. I like to think that when I deal with your anger that I am helping you. That it is either some of your anger that was transferred to me or maybe some anger that you still have, but you can feel me helping with.
And instead of wishing that the road had shoulder
man you're seeing that you're sinking over time
I hope you're finding your answers. I know that would help you. Maybe then you would even come back to me. You promised, remember? I've started distancing myself from everyone. I don't know if it's you or me or both, but I find myself not wanting to be around people. I just want to go off by myself, close my eyes and think of you. You're safe. You protect me. No one gets that. Jubilee, Kitty and Bobby all watch me sadly when I avoid them, but I can't help it. Part of it is that I am afraid to hurt them. But a bigger part of me doesn't want to loose you. To be around them I would have to control you. That's sort of an oxymoron, control you. But I would have to suppress you in my mind. Your anger has a tendency to, well, get the best of me and then I lash out. I know they know it isn't me. I'm not an angry person, but I don't want to hide your anger.
And it's good that I'm not angry
I just need to get over
I'm not angry
it's dragging me under
I'm not angry
I've taken up kickboxing, not that I have anyone to fight with. I have one of those big, hanging punching bags that I hit and kick. Actually I'm on my third in two weeks. I think I understand now why you do all that fighting. It feels so good to get mad and hit things. I know it's not the PC thing to do, but we're not exactly PC are we? I just let your anger flow through me and I tear those bags to shreds. When I broke the first one I thought Scott was going to fall over. He just kept looking between me and the bag as if he was trying to figure our how it happened. All I did was shrug my shoulder and ask how soon a new one could be put in. That's when they suggested some anger management classes, but I know they wouldn't help me. It's not my anger, it's yours. And I won't let them take away anything of you from me.
I'm not angry it's never been enough
it gets inside and it tears you up
I'm not angry but I've never been above it
you see through me don't you
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
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Story Notes:
This is a series I am writing based on the music from Matchbox Twenty's CD Mad Season.